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Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

It’s close enough to Wednesday. It’s only a few minutes away. By the time I hit publish Wednesday will be here. So I’m going to go ahead and get this post out of the way while I’m in the mood.

Depression wise I’m still OK. Not quite as OK as I was but I’m OK. On a scale of 1 to 10 I’m at a 4 or a 5. It was a 3 or a 4 last week. I don’t think it’ll get too much worse than it is. I don’t think I’m slipping back into a depression. I just think I’m a little stressed out.

The hubby and I had a huge fight Sunday that started out about trashcans but ended about money and my job. As always. It’s the main thing we fight about. I know it’s time to find a new job. A replacement job. But I’m just not ready for it. So instead I’m looking for a second job. I’ve applied at a store I really want to work at. I know they are hiring for what I want to do. So it’s just a matter of waiting it out. I’m going to give it a week and then put in a few more apps other places. The catch is I think I’m pretty much limited to 3rd shift since everywhere else I’ve looked needs me on weekends and my current job doesn’t allow for that. And since my current job is my main job I’m working around it’s schedule. Which is why I’m probably going to have to find a full-time replacement job in the end. I’m just not ready for it. And now I’m being redundant, I know. But I’m happy where I’m at, I just need more hours.

But most of all, I need to stop fighting with my husband and I need to get out of the hole we are sinking into money wise. Both are contributing to my depression and I don’t want to be depressed.

Rage wise I’m still lashing out. I’m just really quick to temper and snap at people. I don’t fully rip heads off, but I do claw and gnaw at them.

Sleep. Oh the sleeping. Or lack there of. I already touched on this but I’ll refresh your memory: Ambien stopped working and I was told to stop taking it for a few days then try again. I gave it 5 days then I tried again. It’s still not working. So my doctor gave me some samples for something called Rozerem. My main problem with sleeping is that I can’t seem to get my mind to shut down and turn off at night. I have millions of racing thoughts. I can tune them out, mostly, during the day. All the little anxieties, all the worries, everything gets tuned out when I’m up and active. But when I’m trying to sleep, just laying there, there is nothing going on to tune them out. I’m starting to think that I need to start taking an anxiety pill at bed time. Maybe that would shut up the anxieties. Anyway I tried Rozerem for the last time last night. And about half an hour after taking it I felt drunk. I could barely lift my head it was so heavy and my sense of balance, even though I was lying down, was shot. Within about 10 minutes of realizing I was drunk I assume I fell asleep because next thing I know I was waking to the baby going “Momma. Momma!” So hopefully the Rozerem will continue to work for a nice long time.

There’s your weekly update.

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