Year: 2009

Holiday Shopping

Posted on by kmarrs

We went Christmas shopping today. It was really cold and windy out so the stores were not as crowded as they normally are.

We managed to get the toy for Luke that we really wanted. It’s a really neat little table for his mega bloks. The kid loves blocks so we figured this would be perfect. We’d seen it in the store last month but didn’t have the money. Then we went back black Friday with money and they didn’t have it in stock. Luckily there was one left today so we bought it.

Thomas is getting two new games: Sorry and Guess Who. He loves playing games with us, so they should be fun.

We’ve also stocked up on new books for the boys. Luke is getting 3 new board books and Thomas is getting 5 beginner readers. He’s learning how to read and these books are at his reading level. I don’t expect him to read them off the bat, but he can learn.

All in all it was a productive shopping day. We still have Thomas’s present from Santa and stocking stuffers left, but it feels good to be almost done.

We for the most part aren’t getting gifts for anyone else. We simply can’t afford to this year. Some years we can, some we can’t.

My Response: Marriage and BPD

Posted on by kmarrs

Pat posted a blog entry today. I removed the link from my twitter and facebook so you might have missed it. This is in response to his post.

Mostly I’m at a lost for words. I know I’ve been doing bad lately but I thought Pat and I were ok. I feel like I need to fix things between me and Pat but that I need time to fix myself first. I’ve been putting all my energy into fixing myself lately, hoping everything else would fall into place. Apparently that will not be the case. Do I really think he’ll leave me? No, those are words he says often. Roughly every 6 months. They are words he uses to bring about change. To scare me into change. So what will I do? I’ll work on changing. I have 1-3 months to convince him to stay.

"Marriage"-Pat: A Borderline (BPD) Marriage

Posted on by kmarrs

I am not making this post to be malicious or vindictive. I’m posting Facts as I see them and my intent for the following 1-3 months.

I’m posting this here because Karen Likes to Share everything with her followers and because this relates Directly to BPD.

after the first of the Year I am Filing for a Divorce. I am not doing so because my Wife has BPD I’m doing so because in the past 2 years my wife has Educated herself on everything dealing with BPD and it has made the Manipulative nature of her Disorder that much worse.

I find it ironic that being educated to your illness can make it worse but in the case of BPD that is a fact. Please don’t get me wrong, Its one thing to know its another to obsess…

to my wife I’m nothing more then a tool. a Coping Mechanism to deal with every day life.

I handle the Cooking so she wont burn herself, I handle the kids so she doesn’t hurt them, I handle the money so she doesn’t over spend, and now I even handle the Driving so she doesn’t wreck the car.

all the while I sit at home and stress out carrying the load of two people emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc… as well as carrying the load of three people physically(Read; I’m fat).

I used to have an awesome sense of humor, Love of Music, Love of Life, love… but Ive burnt myself out. Ive given my heart and soul to this marriage fully… and I’m out of fuel.

I could handle the BPD when we didn’t know it was BPD. but now that she knows this disorder in and out. she knows what buttons to push, what excuses to make, she knows that I would be the bad guy if I even tried to blame her and not her disorder for the mistakes, mood swings, etc…

BPD Isn’t the cause of all your mistakes Karen, not even half of them. its not an excuse. It is PART of who you are and I understand that, BUT IT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE.**

now that I am Calm, I say again. after the first of the year if you have not been able to figure out the difference**, I will be forced to do what is right for the Kids, Myself, and you…

I can only assume that this will be my last post on this blog so with that fear in mind I would like to thank all of the people that have supported Karen and myself in the past couple years and hope you all continue to support her in the years to come. I do hope I will be posting again in 2010 with good news but we will see…

Love
Pat

 

Meds Update 12/04/09

Posted on by kmarrs

AM:
Trileptal 300MG

PM:
Cymbalta 90MG
Trileptal 600MG
Geodon 200MG
Ambien 10MG

So a couple changes. I noted last month that my Trileptal at night got bumped to 600, but I never published an official med’s update for the month. I’m now taking my Cymbalta at night because I can never remember to take the morning meds. If Pat can help me remember them, I’ll go back to taking it in the morning. That’s when the norepinephrine boost does me the most good, since it boosts my energy. I also noted last month that I’ve added the sleep aid Ambien to the regime. I originally planned to just take it as needed. It seems that thanks to Cymbalta at night, the Ambien is needed nightly. Whatever, as long as I can sleep for a good solid 8 hours, right? Finally my Geodon, the anti-psychotic that I’m on got bumped from 160 to 200. It’s a high dose for what the books will tell you but an average dose compared to reality.

We are desperate to tweak things to get me back interested in life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I’m not suicidal. But this is almost worse. I don’t really care either way if I live or die. I don’t care about my life. I don’t care about my work, my interests, my friends, my family. I’m just this unmotivated and uninterested lump that goes through the motions of life. I do, however, care that I don’t care.

So what am I doing about it?

Well moving my anti-depressant to a time slot where I’ll actually remember to take it was a huge step. This way it’s, you know, in my system. Bumping my Geodon up is another small step. The final huge step will be remembering to take my Trileptal in the morning. I can’t seem to remember it on my own so I’ve asked, no begged, my husband to help me remember. I’ve even offered to do wonderful things for him if he’d only remind me. But the reality is Trileptal has a half life of 12-18 hours. So if I’m taking it at say 8PM it’s wareing off by 8am to 2pm. Judging by my moods I’m guessing it’s closer to the 8am for me.

And that’s my monthly meds update.