Archive for 2009

A Lesson On Quality Of Life And BPD

Posted December 19, 2009 By kmarrs

So work this past week was beyond belief. Sunday being the worst. First we were having issues with prints overlapping. That’s where they come out stuck together and you have to pull them apart and let them dry. It requires much counter space. Greeting cards were the worst and I refused to print them. Luckily my boss agreed with that logic. Anyways it turns out my first two crossovers weren’t turning and so the prints were being pushed through by the prints behind them and that’s why the were over lapping. Once tech support fixed the shaft supports the crossovers were turning and prints made their way through the racks and out the drier just like they were suppose to. I was a happy Karen by about 1pm. Until about 3pm when I ran out of 8 inch matte paper. Remember those greeting cards I mentioned before? Yeah, well they require that particular paper. We didn’t get more in until Tuesday at around 3. We had a few dozen orders show up in the meantime. When we finally got 8 inch matte paper in on Tuesday my printer printed nothing but greeting cards from 4 to 8pm with no breaks. Just one greeting card after another. It was insane. The lab pulled in 2500$ that day. Our average holiday work day brings in 1000-1500$ in comparison. It was a long 3 days. This coming Sunday had better not compare. What pissed me off is that I went in at 9am on Sunday even though the lab didn’t open until 11 so that I could work ahead and hopefully have a smooth day. But because of the overlap problem I still spent most of the day behind. I hate that. But, I handled it!

So Pat is of the opinion, and I’m starting to agree, that I’ve gotten as much help as I’m going to get from my meds and from here it’s about improving my quality of life. Quality of life is the term used to evaluate and describe the general well-being of individuals and societies. In my case, as an example, it’s not about how much money I make, but how happy I am on what it gets spent on. In other words, since 95% of my money goes to rent and bills and there is very little left over, I’m miserable. Quality of life also deals with environment, or where I live, recreation or leisure time, physical and mental health, education, and social belonging.

In short, if my quality of life sucks, no amount of meds are going to make me happy. At the same time with my mental health if I’m not on meds, no amount of quality of life is going to make me happy. That isn’t always the case. For some people their depression is based on their quality of life alone. You improve their quality of life, and the depression goes away. In other cases, like mine, where their are issues dealing with brain chemicals, quality of life alone can’t combat the symptoms and meds have to be used.

I talked to my therapist about Pat wanting a divorce. We discussed it for most of my session. The hard part was with coming up with examples on how I can be manipulative. I’m suppose to have Pat tell me when I’m being manipulative and then write it down so I can bring it in to show her. The catch is that Pat and I seem to have different opinions on what being manipulative is. I’m probably the one who is wrong because lord knows Pat has done a lot of research on manipulation the past 2 weeks. Almost too much research. I feel like I can’t say or request anything for fear of accidentally trying to manipulate him. This next week I admit the divorce request in my group therapy. Joy.

Speaking of the divorce request, I know I touched on this in my last post but I want to elaborate here. Pat said himself that the tax return was suppose to go towards a second honeymoon or a divorce but now it’s going towards a new car. So he said himself he can’t divorce me with the tax return. Which is a relief. I’m still going to work 100% towards what I need to do to keep my husband. But it’s nice to not have that 1-3 month deadline hanging over me. Now it’s more like a 13-15 month deadline and I can accomplish anything in that amount of time. So like I said, this doesn’t mean I stop trying, this just means I have more time to succeed.

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Posted December 18, 2009 By kmarrs

My car is no longer drivable at all. As in the brakes could go at any minute among other problems. And yet we are going to have to baby it to and from work each day anyways. I’m no longer allowed to drive it at all.

Meanwhile my father has a perfectly good car that he never drives except to the store once a week and to the barber once a month. Despite the fact we provide the roof over his head and ask for nothing major in return, his car is not an option for me to get to and from work. Oh, he’s willing to consider giving me a ride now and then but he suggests I take the bus. Best part? I left his room feeling selfish for even thinking about asking. Because clearly me getting to and from work is optional.

I think I’ll just move into my lab. It’ll give Pat some space as well. He can no longer divorce me, btw, whether he wants to or not. Our lawyer money is going towards a used car here in a couple of months when we get our tax return.

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Work Stress = BPD Stress

Posted December 13, 2009 By kmarrs

We are insanely busy at work. Especially on the weekends through Tuesday. I’m finding myself going in early and staying late much of the time. Tis the season though.

I feel that I’m handling the stress fairly well. I think I prefer this over work being slow and boring.

We have this big film to CD order we are working on. Which is just as annoying as slides. She wants everything scanned high res which takes forever. I’m so ready to be done with that order. I haven’t had much if any time to work on it really. Chris, the guy who works in the lab with me, has really stepped up to the plate with it actually. He usually does when it comes to scanning shit. He is like a scanning machine. He’s also in the lab on two of the slower days of the week though so he has more opportunity. Not this past Friday though. I guess he was balls to the wall busy on Friday. I kinda feel bad. Kid isn’t paid enough to put up with being that busy by himself. Lord knows I’m barely paid enough. I kinda enjoy it though. I don’t think I could do it all the time, but I enjoy this part of December.

Oh! I sold a camera today. I know, I know. I work in a camera store. Selling cameras is what we do. But it’s a huge thing for me seeing as how I work in the lab. I don’t really do sales aside from the occasional photo finishing order or accessory when the sales guys are too busy to handle everything. And this was a Nikon D5000, not some inexpensive little point and shoot. It was quite a sale for me.

It’s insane that we have less than 2 weeks left til Christmas. I’m so not ready. I still have to find stocking stuffers for the boys and we have to get a gift for Thomas from Santa. I don’t really know when or how we’ll have the money for it. We were handed 100$ from my dad as an early Christmas to go Christmas shopping with. That’s how we afforded the last shopping trip.

I swear I need to start doing my Christmas shopping in July.

God I’m stressed out.

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Do You Really Want To Ask?

Posted December 13, 2009 By kmarrs

Me: Was it a Bonobo that fucked with me?
Pat: Yes, thus I bought 10 of them.
Me: I have 12 of them.
Pat: No, 12 of them have you.

Long story from years ago involving a real life zoo. And then present day taking place in my facebook zoo.

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This Just In…

Posted December 11, 2009 By kmarrs

My almost 2-year-old is refusing to nap these days.

In related news, the world is coming to an end. We won’t live to see 2012.

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I had group therapy today. And was presented with the perfect opportunity to talk about Pat asking for a divorce. However, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Part of me doesn’t know what to say. Part of me is in denial. Part of me is dying inside. Part of me hopes he’ll change his mind. Part of me knows divorce will only cause more problems, not fix thing.

I guess the underlying problem is that I’m manipulative. He says he doesn’t blame me for when I’m manipulative because BPD makes me manipulative. He only blames me when I’m manipulative because I make me manipulative and I blame the BPD to get out of trouble. I don’t usually realize I’m even doing it. It’s so second nature to me. And I’m not trying to blame the BPD here. I accept responsibility for it. But that doesn’t mean I know how to change it.

I don’t know. But I’m trying. Hopefully that counts for something.

Meanwhile what am I suppose to say in therapy?

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