The motivation to live life.

One thing my meds aren’t fixing is my desire to get through life. I’m not talking about whether I’m suicidal or not. I mean the basic decision to find the energy to get through what I have to do. I find myself taking short cuts and all out avoiding.

Want an example?

My kids haven’t had a bath in a week.

I myself went 2 days, work days at that, without a shower.

I’m not doing things at work I need to be doing.

I’m skipping meals because I don’t have the energy to eat. I don’t mean I don’t have the energy to make something to eat. Pat does the cooking. I mean lifting the fork from the plate to my mouth takes more effort than I’m willing to put out there so I skip entire meals.

I have my kid fill the rat’s water bottle because going up and down the stairs takes too much out of me.

I have a drier full of clothes ready to be folded that I can’t seem to make myself fold.

I don’t think it’s that I’m tired. 3 times now I’ve had the opportunity to nap in the past week alone and I have been too awake to sleep.

I think instead I really am that depressed.

At the same time I’m incapable of doing nothing for any extended periods of time because sitting too still drives me crazy. I have to be doing something at all times but don’t have the energy to do anything worth doing.

I feel like I can’t accurately get this across. Like ok I don’t have energy big deal. It’s like right now I want to go to bed but I don’t have the energy needed to toss and turn til I go to sleep.

I have to really want something to get it done. This post, for example, has been running in my head for days now and I’ve just now had the energy to get it out there.

I need motivation. I need drive. I need to will to not just breath, but to live.

I need to talk to my doctor.