I took an Ambien to help me sleep but it hasn’t kicked in yet. It doesn’t help that I came home from work and took a nap. I needed the nap but now it’s bed time and I’m feeling well rested.
As I was lying in bed trying to sleep my mind started to wander like it does every night. Usually I stress about work or the kids. My maybe not so great idea to sell all the boy’s outgrown clothing came from a mind wander. Tonight my mind wandered to games.
Pat and I use to play wow together, only I was never as into it as Pat was. Then we switched to EVE which is the hardest game out there and I never stood a chance. then DDO became free and we switched to DDO. I even really enjoyed it for awhile. I played with Pat every opportunity I got. But now? I haven’t touched it in a couple of months. And I don’t know why. I’ve just lost interest.
I’ve lost interest in a lot of things. Gaming, movies, books, music.
I’m even starting to lose interest in my kids. Playing with them has become a chore. Taking care of their needs is to be dreaded. Part of me even questions if I was meant to be a mother. When I’m mentally healthy I’m a great one. But I haven’t felt mentally healthy in a while now.
I know it’s the depression. Even though I’m feeling better than I was I’m still suffering from quite a few of the symptoms.
I asked Pat today if all we had left in common was the children. He responded that it was beginning to feel that way.
We use to lie in bed, when we first started dating,and listen to music while we talked and made out. We had certain Cd’s we’d always play when we made love. But now our alone time together is ringing in silence.
We use to be big on movies. We didn’t always see eye to eye, but I’d usually agree to a guy movie if he caved and watched a chick flick. Princesses push him past his limit but he really is willing to watch chick flicks with me. The problem is, even with netflix, I have limited interest in watching movies. Generally the movies that arrive for me sit there for a week before I finally get around to watching them.
Then of course there are the games. We met at one, dated through several, got married and hosted games ourselves. We play live action, paper and pencil, and online and PC. We use to have an xbox. Games were central to our lives and relationship. But now… I dunno. This goes beyond my lack of motivation to my lack of interest. A severe lack of interest in most anything life has to offer.
I’m not suicidal but I’m not living life either. I’m at the point to where I’m just existing and nothing more. I’m in a rut, so to speak.
I had hoped my maintenance binge would help pull me out of my work rut. It really didn’t. I got done everything I needed to get done but where I use to enjoy the process, I was left with an empty feeling of going through the motions.
And that’s how I’m surviving life right now, on empty but going through the motions.