I’ve been borderline psychotic lately. I don’t know why, either. I’m getting plenty of sleep. I’m not menstrual. Well, I was but now I’m not and this has been going on for a couple of weeks. I’m not eating enough and I do get cranky when hungry, but I’ve had very little appetite as of late. Again, I don’t know why.

I’m wondering if I’m just really depressed. I feel a combination of depressed and numb. Like I’m too numb to fully be and feel depressed, but I’m too depressed to really feel numb.

I haven’t taken my morning meds in over a week. I just can’t seem to remember. I have notes posted to remind me and everything, but I still forget. I don’t know if I need to change up where the notes are or what. It’s like I’m so use to seeing them, I don’t see them anymore. But in the long run I’m missing my anti-depressant and half my mood stabilizer every day.

Is that enough to make me psychotic?

I’m taking my anti-psychotic.

Why am I still psychotic?

Pat is about at the ends of his limits with me. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t slept in days. He has his own health issues keeping him up at night. We are at each other’s throats. Taking turns with the tempers flaring.

I don’t even know what to say, besides I’ve been down right bitchy the past 2 weeks. Above and beyond bitchy. I don’t know why. I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s like I’m watching myself lash out at those I care about and I can’t seem to do anything more than just watch. I can’t stop it. I can’t change it. I just watch and apologize. Apologize to the point that my husband doesn’t want to hear it anymore.

I’m currently more prone to raging too. I don’t think I’ve gone into full blown rages. If I have I can’t recall them. Then again, I never can recall them. It’s kinda like I black out. I lose moments of time. Where as soon as it’s over I’ve forgotten it’s even happened.

I currently feel very vulnerable. And I know it’s my own fault.

I also feel like the world is egging me on. Like those around me are purposely pushing my buttons trying to make me explode. Rationally I know that can’t be true. No one likes me when I’ve exploded, but it’s still how I feel right now.

As of tonight I’m taking my anti-depressant at night with the rest of my meds. It’ll totally mess up my sleep schedule because that particular med wakes me up, but it’s all that I know to try. I can’t keep missing it and I can’t seem to get it taken in the morning. So what’s left? I’m still regularly missing half my mood stabilizer, but I think I survive off half the dose. I’m not giving up on remembering, this is just me acknowledging that I have a problem and I need to have a plan B. Plan B is take the one I’m completely missing later. It isn’t as good as plan A, which is to take meds twice a day, but it has to be good enough.

I’m also going to have to continue to take my Ambien almost nightly. It’s the only thing that can battle the PM norepinephrine (boosts energy) boost the anti-depressant gives me. These days I can’t get my mind to shut down without it anyways, so either way I’m stuck with a sleep aid.

3 thoughts on “Bitchin’

  1. All I have to say is

    "Don't talk about rages like you know what they are"

    remember where that comment comes from and then you know when you flew off of the hinge for no reason.

    especially when the person you flew off of the hinge at did really nothing to bring that on.

  2. I certainly have no advice, good bad or indifferent. My husband has bpd and I see much of him in your writing. For some reason this makes me feel better.

  3. MRWife – I'm glad you find comfort in something. Living with someone with BPD is in some ways harder than having BPD.

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