I’ve been meaning to post all day but I keep not getting around to it. I have all these things I want to say but they are just scraps of thought. I think I’ve been dreading trying to put them into complete thoughts.
I feel like I’ve been quiet lately. Most of my posts of late have been about my photo blog. Which isn’t horrible, but that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is here to talk about BPD and how it effects my life. The problem is, I have been feeling semi-stable lately.
Well that’s not fully true. I’ve been in a bit of a depressive lately. But as far as my moods go, that’s still kinda stable for me. Isn’t that horrible? Am I so far gone that I could seriously consider a depressive mood to be a stable mood.
I mean let’s get one thing straight. I’m blue. Down in the dumps. A little stressed out, and depressed because of it. Compared to the suicidal rages of depressed spells past, the blues are relatively stable. So yes I’m depressed but I’m not anywhere close to being in need of a hospital, so I’m ok. Stable.
Hell, this feeling is relatively normal. Meaning, people who don’t suffer from major mood and personality disorders still have spells when they are down in the dumps. It’s all part of being human.
So this is what it feels like to be normal? Not quite.
I had a bad day yesterday.
I can’t get into details because it’s work related. It wasn’t work itself though. That went ok. Slow (hey I had time to read) but ok. One of my coworkers said something that any sane person would have understood. But me being me I took it way personally and let it effect my entire existence. I even gave yesterday it’s own theme. “Karen’s not good enough.” What he said wasn’t actually saying that, but that’s how I took it.
Which I realize is totally cryptic but please understand that anyone on my facebook has access to this and I am facebook networked with some scary people at work. Scary as in they have the power to control my life, aka, they can fire me. Which I do understand that does not mean they are reading this but I can’t assume that. So talking about work, not ok. It can get me fired. Besides, I have better reason to believe that the person who hurt my feelings is reading this and if so and he knows it’s him I’m talking about… well I don’t want him to feel bad. He’s a nice guy and he had no idea his words would lead to the tears that kept on coming.
Here’s to hoping that last line isn’t later used against me. Paranoid much? Seriously though, the last thing I need is for corporate office to think I can’t hold my shit together at work. They can’t legally fire me for being bpd, but they can fire me if it affects my ability to do my job. Luckily yesterday was the day of the slow and the tears had their moment while a large order was going through. So I had time to get myself together while the printer did it’s thing and I just, well, you get the picture.
After all that I came home in a crappy mood and lost my shit with Patrick. I think the highlight was me declaring at about 6:30 that I was going to bed. I didn’t really. I tried. I lay down there with my eyes closed. But then I cried again (I know! Again with the tears!) and that had me wanting my husbands comfort but I couldn’t have his comfort because he was the one who made me cry and I pissed him off royally. He is also, btw, part 2 of why yesterday’s theme was “Karen’s not good enough”.
Enough about yesterday.
Today was better. Luke and I took Thomas to school and then stopped and got some breakfast to take home to Pat. Then Pat and Luke spent the afternoon with uncle Jesse and they went to Sam’s club and bought about a month and a half’s worth of diapers. Because this spending 20$ every week and a half on a box is killing us. I’m not sure how much money we saved long run, but at least it was in one lump sum verses me reminding Pat to budget diaper money weekly. The whole weekly thing was new to us. We had a costco hook-up for awhile but she didn’t renew it. Which is cool. Lucky for us Jesse has Sam’s club. It took us long enough to be smart and take advantage. Which Jesse was thrilled to allow us to do. Though now that I think about it, this was the first check in a couple months where we could blow 80$ in one sitting and not have it totally screw us over. So yeah…
Anyway, like I said today was better. I spent the afternoon reading and managed to get through the book I was on.
By the way I’m really enjoying the Avalon books. I just finished the 2nd, I’ve technically started the 3rd (I’m like 1 chapter in. Don’t expect an “I’m reading” for at least one more day.), I’ve already read the 4th and I’m going back and reading the 1st soon. I’m loving the mix of fantasy and history. It’s actually peeked my interest in Roman history and I’m starting to wish I had paid more attention when covering it in history class. Anyway, long short, I’m going to have to buy the series. There are 7 books in all and if the rest are even half as good, it’ll be money well spent. I might have to buy another book case though. I’m kinda running out of room.
Oh wow, I’ve rambled on, now, haven’t I. To think all that was just scraps of thought in my head. Seems I manged to piece them together just fine.
Oh look, my oldest is coughing so hard that he’s blowing chunks over everything. I gotta go.