Archive for July, 2009

Having Calmed Down…

Posted July 24, 2009 By kmarrs

I need to point out a few things.

I’ve been suicidal off and on since I was 15ish. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes it has triggers. Sometimes it’s too much free time on my hands to think and get lost in my head. I’m not currently a danger to myself. I don’t want to be alive but I won’t kill myself no matter how much I think of it. If I was going to, I wouldn’t be posting about it up here.

Why did I post about it here?

This blog deals with EVERYTHING someone with BPD deals with. That includes suicidal thoughts and desires. This blog wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t post that up.

I had a bad couple of days where I really really really really wanted to hurt myself. I didn’t, but I wanted to. This blog would be a lie if I didn’t share that. I post what I’m thinking, how I’m thinking it, when I’m thinking it. That is this blogs point.

My cousin Scott pointed out I’m in a rut. Yes, that is true. What am I doing about it? I’m finding 1 thing each day to look forward to. Yesterday it was the look of joy in my kids’ faces when I got home from work. The “OMGWEEEE SHE’S HOME!” effect. Some days it’s better than others. However it’s the best part of my work day. Knowing I was missed. Today I’m looking forward to playing DnD. It’s my adults only time with the boys. I really enjoy playing my gnome warrior (Er, fighter barbarian… she is not Dygs my WoW toon… right…). Anyway, I really enjoy DnD so I look forward to it each week. I don’t know what I’ll look forward to tomorrow. I’ll figure that out tomorrow. Maybe Pat will take me to see Harry Potter (huge fan, get over it) tomorrow.

Anyway I really got side tracked.

I also wanted to point out my support system. I have a wonderful therapist and a meds doctor that I can call if I get bad. I’m also willing to go back to the hospital if I get really bad. I’m not really bad.

Then of course there are my friends and family. They’ve been with me through thick and thin and they won’t let anything happen to me. They won’t let me happen to me.

So in short, I’m ok. Had a couple bad days. Today is a good day. Or I’m working on it being one. I’ve gotten out of the house, showered and played with my boys. It’s an ok day.

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Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

Posted July 24, 2009 By kmarrs

Let Me Explain It Like This

Posted July 23, 2009 By kmarrs

Maybe I’ll come off a little less monster like.

I’m suicidal. Very much so. I don’t have a “plan”. I don’t intend to act upon any plan I might come up with. I am suicidal though.

I am also battling it. I’m battling it one day at a time. Trying to find something in each day and the next to look forward to. To live for. Playing DnD, birthday parties,trips to the park. Something, anything to make every given day special.

Yes I KNOW my kids make each day special. Stop saying and thinking that. I already know they are worth living for.

I have to find a reason outside of them to live. A reason for me because I want to live not because someone else wants me to live. If I live for them, I resent them for trapping me.

So please hear me that I know how wonderful my family is and I do love them dearly. But my kids can’t pull me through this.

I have to pull me through this.

But days like yesterday are hard.

Days like today are a little less hard because I at least have constant distraction of something to do.

Days like Friday will be easy. I get to buy a new rat cage. I get to play DnD. Two things I enjoy to pull me through.

Right now it’s the little things.

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Underlying Problem

Posted July 23, 2009 By kmarrs

I guess the problem is I feel like I’m living the same 2 days over and over and over again.

Day 1: work day
Day 2: day off

And there is nothing so magic about either one of those days to make me want to repeat them for the rest of my life.

Now most of you are going to point out my children.

Yes, I love them.

But I don’t know how to fully enjoy them. They instead, stress me out to no end.

As does work, which is my number 1 day I repeat.

I don’t know. I just feel trapped in a life that is nothing but the same.

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My Mood

Posted July 22, 2009 By kmarrs

I’m feeling really depressed today. I think it’s because I have a full day of nothing I need to do. It goes back to how my life is a series of reactions and today I have nothing big to react to. I just have to pull myself through the day one second at a time with little to look forward to.

I suppose I should be enjoying the fact I have the day to spend with my kids. But in all honesty, those days like today freak me out. I’m not very good at entertaining them, and while I love to just watch they usually want me to get involved. They want me to play.

I’m not very good at playing with my kids. I’m not very good at playing in general. I use to blame my mom because I have no memories of my mom playing with me as a child. After talking to my mom about it I’ve come to the conclusion it’s just my memory. It doesn’t help that as a child I was at my happiest reading, on my own, with no human interactions.

Anyway, I never fully learned how to play so I don’t know how to, in turn, play with my kids. The whole thing freaks me out.

It doesn’t help that I have limited patience to just push cars around on the floor.

I’m honestly not sure why I’m allowed to have kids. Yet, I want more. Like 2 more.

This post isn’t about that.

I feel bored
and worthless
and pointless
and purposeless
and empty inside

As much as a struggle with work, I at least have a purpose there.

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This Just In…

Posted July 22, 2009 By kmarrs

My baby turns 18 months old tomorrow.

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