I’m feeling really depressed today. I think it’s because I have a full day of nothing I need to do. It goes back to how my life is a series of reactions and today I have nothing big to react to. I just have to pull myself through the day one second at a time with little to look forward to.

I suppose I should be enjoying the fact I have the day to spend with my kids. But in all honesty, those days like today freak me out. I’m not very good at entertaining them, and while I love to just watch they usually want me to get involved. They want me to play.

I’m not very good at playing with my kids. I’m not very good at playing in general. I use to blame my mom because I have no memories of my mom playing with me as a child. After talking to my mom about it I’ve come to the conclusion it’s just my memory. It doesn’t help that as a child I was at my happiest reading, on my own, with no human interactions.

Anyway, I never fully learned how to play so I don’t know how to, in turn, play with my kids. The whole thing freaks me out.

It doesn’t help that I have limited patience to just push cars around on the floor.

I’m honestly not sure why I’m allowed to have kids. Yet, I want more. Like 2 more.

This post isn’t about that.

I feel bored
and worthless
and pointless
and purposeless
and empty inside

As much as a struggle with work, I at least have a purpose there.