Month: July 2009

Poll Results

Posted on by kmarrs

I’ve been thinking over what the poll (regarding the balance of this blog) is starting to show me. It is far from over, but so far everyone thinks it’s got perfect balance.

Most people also think I could stand to show the ties between the personal stuff I post and BPD.

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into that.

The problem is, not EVERYTHING I post has to do with bpd. Some of it is simply getting to know me. Which isn’t the main point of this blog, but the disease needs a face, so to speak. When I blog about my mental illness you see the worse side of me. Whereas the cute stories about my kids and other trivial stuff shows you the human side of the monster.

I guess I’m also torn. Not over what I should post, because I’ll post what I damn well want to post. I’m torn over how to show the link between things like me going out and spending money, for example, and BPD. All while avoiding the phrase, “And this relates to BPD because.”

The poll is still up, go cast a vote if you haven’t already.

Meanwhile I do recognize I need to work on how I go about this blog. Hey, it’s only been 8 months and practice will make perfect, right? So I’m going to work on doing what you guys seem to want. As long as we can all agree not everything here will be about BPD. My human non-monster side needs to show it’s face too.

Finally, I’m starting to let it sink in that I can’t make everyone happy. So I’m settling for myself and the majority. But that’s only the majority of those who speak up.

This Just In…

Posted on by kmarrs

If I had known my going to the hospital would put us so deeply into debt, I never would have gone.

We have no hospital bills, but everything else piled up because of me going 2 weeks without any paycheck.

Makes me want to kick the teeth in of the person who commented back then that I did it just for attention.

Clearly.

We are so financially screwed right now. Luckily hours are picking up at work so hopefully we can sort this all out sooner and not later.

Let this be a lesson to everyone…. Mental breakdowns are not cheap.

Therapy

Posted on by kmarrs

I had therapy today. No major break through or anything. We’re still getting to know each other. Well, I know her as well as I’m going to. She’s getting to know me better.

We talked about some of the things in the past that have hurt me. How my step father was mentally and emotionally abusive to me. Also how my husband threatens a divorce every 6 months.

The last one got me thinking. I think I’m going to start a log of when he threatens it and why specifically. I know they are usually decent reasons. However I tend to block bad things out of my memory so I don’t remember specifics.

We talked about my rages again. How do I think they make Pat feel. How my kids feel. We discussed point blank how they are full on abusive.

We discussed my relationship with my sister a bit. There wasn’t much to discuss. We have no relationship.

I don’t honestly know what I’m going to get out of therapy. I’m hoping something.

DBT starts in a few weeks. I’m really looking forward to that! I always get something out of it.

Confidence

Posted on by kmarrs

When I started my promotion to lap supervisor, and transferred to my new lab, I came in with so much confidence that I was floating on air.

As time went by, though, it seemed like the staff here had little confidence in me. I blame the previous supervisor. She was not a strong leader and did not seem to want to do her job.

Time passed and my depression hit. Their lack of confidence sunk in and I earned that. I lost my strength and drowned in my weakness.

Now I’m back to being strong at work.

The ironic thing is the staff here has taken it upon themselves to boost my confidence.

The question that has me up at night is this:

Did they have confidence in me in the beginning and did I lose myself all on my own?
OR
Was I right and did the lack of confidence in me start with them and get me down when I was at me weakest point.

I’ve always taken pride in my work and I feel that I deserve respect for what I do. With respect comes confidence in my ability.

I was chosen for this job over someone you use to do this job. I was chosen for a reason.

So while they instill my confidence back in me, I’m going to secretly yet blatantly demand the respect and confidence I deserve.