Archive for May, 2009

Random Thoughts From My Head

Posted May 31, 2009 By kmarrs

My stomach hurts. I think it’s from the booze I drank last night. Not too much I had to drive with the kid in the car. Not even really enough for a buzz. I’m not sure why I bothered. I would have been better off taking my meds, which I had to skip to drink. So note to self, don’t bother drinking anymore. Not worth it.

Still doesn’t make sense that my stomach hurts now. I never get a belly ache from booze. So maybe I’m just hungry or ate too much party food last night.

I went to a party last night. Magical Skate turned 21. It was a fairly calm party for a 21st birthday. There was booze but it wasn’t obtrusive. And it was a good mixture of adults, kids and little kids. So it was more like a semi-large gathering.

I had panic attacks, not handling the crowd. I’m still shaken up from it. Which is one reason why I’m dreading work tomorrow. Tomorrow.

My stomach is really bothering me.

And I feel really shaky.

I didn’t sleep last night. I tried and tried. But I just had trouble. I had very vivid dreams when I did sleep. So it was anything but a rested night. Pat was going to let me sleep till noon but by about ten I couldn’t take it anymore and come upstairs.

I tried to smother myself again last night. Clearly it didn’t work. I didn’t really think it would. I don’t know why I keep trying.

I need to get some bread into my belly. I keep coughing and almost throwing up.

Some mother fucker ate the last of the bagels without taking the rest out of the fridge.

I keep burping booze.

I didn’t even drink that much.

So not worth it.

Teddy Grams. I have teddy grams. I should eat some of them. They are good on an upset stomach.

Teddy grams are the shit. I don’t know why I say it like that. I’m too not cool to use lingo like that.

Jesse said something hurtful last night. Really really hurtful.

me: writing a book is hard

My memory is crap so remember the fine detail needed to fill in paragraphs and pages it hard.
Jesse: Chances are you wont make it very far, nobody does

I should take my morning meds. I could use the Ativan.

I had a lot of panic attacks last night. At one point I went into one of the unoccupied rooms and cried. I don’t know why. It was right after my old boss put me one the spot about how I’m doing, when I’m going back to work, and if I’m ready. Not Brenda. She knows better. She uses tact and watched my body language to see if she’s going too far. She’ll laugh when she reads this. Brenda and tact don’t belong in the same sentence. But still, she goes at it gently like a mother. Jeff put me on the spot and shot off questions fire squad style.

I don’t know if that’s why I went off and cried.

I had a couple of good days. I’ve had a couple of bad days.

My stomach is feeling better.

Luke is napping. When he wakes up we’re eating lunch and then going to the park. Pat and Thomas are going to fly a kite. Luke is going to get some much needed run around and climb time.

Luke is afraid of grass. You sit him down in grass and he screams as if you are boiling him alive. It’s as funny as it is pathetic and is it sad. He’s isn’t in danger so it’s ok to laugh. But not too much. Only a little laughter is ok.

I think I had best shut up now.

Now I’m burping Mt Dew. Progress, I has it.

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Stressed Out

Posted May 31, 2009 By kmarrs

I go back to work on Monday and I’m not sure that I’m ready. I’ve been tossing and turning over this for the past week and I’m too the point of panicked. I’ve been off for the past 2 weeks, unpaid. Jesse paid a few bills for us so that we could make this happen. I mean realistically I was in the hospital for almost half of it, so it isn’t like I had a choice. The second half I took off because I’m just not ready to be out in the world yet. I’m still at the phase where I want to hide in my room and be a shadow.

I dunno.

I just know that NOW is the time for the rich uncle I don’t know about to die and leave me everything.

I’m so sick of crying over this.

Why can’t I just be a big girl and suck it up and go back to work?

Because I’m not ready.

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Zoo Pics

Posted May 29, 2009 By kmarrs

I call that last one “What Animals?”

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I remembered

Posted May 29, 2009 By kmarrs

Day one hospital:
1 orange sherbet lunch
2 orange sherbet dinner

Day two hospital:
2 orange sherbet lunch
4 orange sherbet dinner*

Day three hospital:
2 orange sherbet breakfast
2 orange sherbet lunch
2 orange sherbet dinner

I had a thing for orange sherbet.

*Bella and Rya had both ordered orange sherbet because I recommended it so highly they both took one bite and didn’t want or like it. So I ended up with theirs and mine.

There was of course other food eaten, not just orange sherbet. BUT had I had another meal there I was going to order 10 for the next breakfast and nothing else. Just to see what would happen.

That was one of our games, ordering random stuff and lots of stuff to see if we’d get it. Hey, you take whatever kicks you can in the psych ward.

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Posted May 29, 2009 By kmarrs

2 scoops Orange Sherbet (new addiction thanks to hospital… remind me to post on that)
2 cups milk
1/2 can cool whip



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Random Bubble Babble

Posted May 29, 2009 By kmarrs

We have a fish tank. Our fish tank is currently (and this has been known to change monthly or weekly) 1 blue snail (Essie), 3 zebra danios, 2 black mollys (Molly and Mike Mulligan), and 3 neon tetras.

One of the neon tetras is significantly smaller than the rest of well existence. He is about as long as a pinkie nail. I named him thug.

Thug is that tank wide, hide and seek champion. He also loves to give mommy, me, a heart attack. I’ve made Pat move things around in the tank a couple times now looking for him. He likes the castle the best.

I keep threatening that he’s so cute I could just swallow him whole. Mind you I make this threat to anything little and cute, including human babies. But your average human baby isn’t about the size of the pills I take on a daily basis. 4 Thugs would equal 1 800MG Ibuprofen.

Oh yes, and then there is peach. While at the fish store buying most the rest of the fish I also picked up 10 rosey feeder fish for our aquatic turtles. Pat decided 1 of them was too pretty and into our tank he went. He named him peach. That’s the type of man my husband is.

And now all our fish have ick and Thomas has named all the unnamed fish, spot. I’m not sure what he’ll do once the treatments we are giving them work. LOL

Up until a week ago we had 2 beta fish. 1 died due to cat trauma and so we threw the other into the fish tank because it was almost empty of fish. When we invested in new fish and the beta was picking on them, the beta went back into his own little tank. But apparently he didn’t adapt well and he kicked the bucket yesterday.

Next I’m getting 2 more snails and another beta. One at a time. We have a fish of the month club card. We got it free with our large fish purchase so we get a free fish of our choosing every month. And at the rate we go through fish around here….

Though thankfully our tank is finally balanced so here is to hoping we can sustain life….

This post brought to you by the latest thug induced heart attack. I figured it was time I post on the smallest members of our family.

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