Archive for April, 2009

Thomas and Migraines

Posted April 29, 2009 By kmarrs

I’m still struggling with this. No kid his age should have to feel so much pain.

I took Thomas to the doctor today in regards to his headaches. The doctor did a neurological exam and determined there doesn’t seem to be any underlying reasons for the headaches. It’s rare for kids his age to get migraines but he has all the proper symptoms and a strong family history so it seems my kid is one in a million.

We have an appointment in September for the neurology department at the local children’s hospital. Thomas’s doctor just wants to be absolutely sure nothing else is going on since Thomas is so young.

In the meantime Thomas is to take Cyproheptadine every day as a preventative measure.

Which leads me to the fun fact of the day. As of this afternoon, with the use of rice grains to practice, my 5 year old can now swallow pills.

The concept freaked me out when I was twice his age.

But given a choice between forcing a nasty liquid down his throat every day or teaching him to swallow the pills, I went for the lesser of two battles.

In addition we’ll be using a gel that gets rubbed into the inside of his wrist as needed when he has a break through migraine.

I’m working on learning to deal with this.

I keep telling myself it could be so very much worse.

But I’ll still feel a lot better if the meds work.

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This Just In…

Posted April 29, 2009 By kmarrs

BTW, Gertrude by Hermann Hesse was one of the most amazing books I have ever read. I was saddened to see it end. I’ve read a lot of books in my life, but this one was top of the list. I know I say this a lot, but seriously, pick this book up! I can’t even begin to describe how it touched me. It’s beyond words. So you’ll just have to read it to understand.

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I’m Reading…

Posted April 29, 2009 By kmarrs

Priestess of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley and Diana L. Paxson. It’s a wonderful fantasy full of druids and magic and all things imaginative. It’s written by the same women who wrote The Mists of Avalon. To my knowledge you don’t need to read one, to read the other. But really, is there any reason you shouldn’t pick them both up now? Well perhaps not both at the same time… I’ll understand the one then the other method.

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Today’s Theme is Boredom

Posted April 29, 2009 By kmarrs

Say it with my guys!


Or something like that.

No wait, it’s more like this.

Dammit, I wish I could remember how I worded it to Kate. It made so much sense then. Here is to hoping I can recreate the train of thought.

Here goes.

I feel out of place in life. Like I don’t belong. Like I’m always on the outside looking in. Like I’m detached.

The correct phrase we are looking for here is dissociative disorder. It goes hand in hand with BPD. One of the 9 criteria in fact, if I recall. Actually upon looking it up, I’ve confirmed it’s the 9th one.

The thing is when I’m busy it’s like I have purpose and the feelings of detachment aren’t so bad. But when I’m bored the feeling of no purpose is made more severe by the realization that at that exact moment I really don’t have purpose…

I’m losing my track of thought here.

I guess my main point is I get bored way too easy and when I’m bored I start to lose connection to the world around me and I start losing my sense of self and existence.

I remember when I was working in Brenda’s lab how bored I was starting to get. It was severe enough that it started to worry Brenda. I don’t know that it annoyed her. It might have. But I think it was all around frustrating.

Things improved when I advanced to my own lab. I think mostly because I had more tools of amusement at my disposal. I could tear apart a machine if things got too bad. Or if I simply needed to fill a gap I had paper work or I could clean. All things I took great joy in doing.

None of that has gone away. But it’s starting to turn into the same old same old. Nothing changes. The same racks get scrubbed, the same floor mopped, the same scissors obsessively labeled and put away, and the same paperwork every week. in fact, less required paperwork now, than 6 months ago. Everything is getting done just as it should get done. My sense of responsibility won’t allow for anything less. However the joy that was there 6 months ago, isn’t there now.

Simply put, I’m bored. Bored with it all.

I don’t want to start daydreaming of changes of scenery. Let’s face it. No matter where I go or what I do, I’ll get bored with it in time. It’s all a part of who I am. Things are good where I’m at. Things are solid where I’m at. I have a job that I know and that I’m good at. I have a boss who may not always understand me, but he’s willing to try. He knows my limits, he knows what I deal with, and slowly but surely he’s being filled in on my illness. He’s supportive. I’ve had bosses who haven’t been. So I won’t look that gift horse in the mouth.

So no, the idea of moving on to something else is thrilling in theory. However I finally know myself well enough to know there isn’t any real point.

I guess I’m hoping that the addition of school will shake things up enough to keep my interest. I’ll be able to do my school work at the lab when things are quiet. And balancing school, work and home won’t allow for a dull or “I’m bored” moment. With the added advantage of being productive and worthwhile…

I dunno

I just need to battle this empty life is pointless feeling.

Anything to battle that.

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This Just In…

Posted April 28, 2009 By kmarrs

I’m working on a book. Very slowly, but surely. It’ll be quite a long time before it gets anywhere. But someday, it’ll be ready.

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Where I Post About Swine Flu

Posted April 28, 2009 By kmarrs

Ah yes, Kate is not the first to compare TK’s headaches to swine flu. My father, in fact, is convinced Thomas has it and is slowly dying.

So a couple quick things I’d like to mention are as follows:

First and foremost, Thomas has not been to Mexico, nor has he had Mexican beacon or ham or pig of any nature.

Second, and almost as important, neither have any of his classmates or anyone else he’s been around for the last few weeks.

Third, and still important, when the headache goes away instantly after you throw up, that implies migraine.

Fourth, and up there on the important list, he’s been having these headaches for a couple of months now. Which is since before the swine flu outbreak.

Fifth, and still mildly important, Pat has had chronic migraines since he was Thomas’s age. So I think it’s something that just runs in the family. I get them too, after all. The kids were doomed before they began to even breath.

So yes, I am taking my father’s and even Kate’s fears seriously. But I’m not putting a lot of fear into it. I’m fairly certain they are just migraines and not indeed swine flu.

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