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Treatment Past and Present

So as you might know by now I was diagnosed with BPD roughly 2 years ago. A direct result of which has been a couple years of therapy (not my first series, though my first based on an accurate diagnosis), daily hard-core drugs (we’ll try this and this, ok how about this and this, well then maybe just this), and 3 rousing series of DBT.

All that has left me feeling frustrated. The therapy only works if I’m willing to admit to my therapist that I’m still having problems instead of convincing her I’m ok. So ok in fact that she came to the conclusion there was no need to continue sessions, just a monthly visit with the meds doc and of course my daily drugs. The drugs probably did help a lot more than I’m willing to admit, though the side affects were more than I’m willing to tolerate and the process of trial and error almost killed me. No, really. Don’t EVER put me on a mood stabilizer. Because if I’m in a depressive then it will stabilize me there and prevent the up swing that could lead to me leaving the depressive. I can only handle the depressive for so long before I start plotting and practicing for my own death.

I have the scars on my left thigh and the stint in the hospital to prove it.

And the DBT instructor never called me with the start of the new class so apparently I’m done with that too.

So where does this leave me? Unstable, unmedicated, and unwilling to admit to anyone who can help that I fucked up and need help.

I’m not suicidal, though some days I have to put more effort than others into wanting to be alive. It is important here to note the subtle difference between not wanting to live and wanting to die. It might be hard to notice the difference but it is there. It is the difference between suicidal and just wishing you’d randomly not wake up. One calls for immediate action, the other an admittedly close eye.

I dunno, I’d just give anything for the feeling of hopelessness to go away.

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