Rereading Below…

I feel the need to clarify one thing.

I hate people who pop out babies just so they can get or stay on welfare. They don’t have any interest in the kids or working hard. I think it’s a gross abuse of the system.

How am I different?

I have babies because I love my kids and love raising them with my husband. They are the purpose and reason in my existence.

I work very hard. And yes, having had Luke allows me to work even harder in order to provide for my family.

Pat is disabled, not lazy. Legally and mentally disabled. Kids or no kids, welfare and the system would be in our lives. The only check we collect is his monthly SSI. The only way our kids affect that is that the more we have, that harder I can work to provide before they start taking away DOUBLE what I make over a certain predetermined amount. We also do have insurance through the government, that we are in the process of losing, though will get back now that my hours have been cut. But I won’t feel guilty for that. To insure my entire family would cost a fuck ton in addition to the cost of meds and co-pays and deductibles. The cost of health care in this nation is 3rd world and so I gladly accept the governments help. I feel it’s their job to begin with, and not just for those who are low income. It isn’t like they are covering boob jobs and tummy tucks. They pay for my therapy and my meds for my mental condition. Without that care I wouldn’t be able to work, and THAT would be a burden on the state.

So am I seriously considering a 3rd? Yep! A 4th too! But Pat and I had that dream long before SSI and Welfare were ever in our lives.

If Sleeping Were And Olympic Sport, I’d Be Sponsored By Serta

A lot has gone in in the past few weeks. And I’ve had a hell of a time staying awake through any of it.

Work got interesting. Up until recently I was salary non-exempt. Meaning I was salary in that I was required to work a minimum of 40 hours a week and I got paid a certain rate per hour, so no matter what I brought home a certain amount of money per-week. Technically if I worked under the 40, I still brought home that amount. So I was salary. However, if I worked over 40 hours a week I got paid per hour over that amount, not time and a half, but still the regular rate.

Now, I’m just regular full-time required to work an average of 37.5 hours a week. For the next few weeks I’m only getting 35 hours. But as long as it averages out to at least 37.5 at the end of the year, I’m good.

I could see this as good news or bad news. Since I was making about 50$ a week more than I could before Pat started losing benefits and we started losing insurance, I’m going with good news.

That’s the thing… with my husband being on disability I can’t just work more to increase our cash flow. For every dollar I make over a certain amount, he loses two. If I were making a ton of money, that wouldn’t be a huge deal. But I’m not, so that loss really hurts us. I’m all for not spending my life dependent on the government. But with the current state of the economy and the cost of health care, dude you gotta do what you gotta do.

It’s funny because when my sister found out I was pregnant with Luke, she went on this huge rant, to my mom cuz god forbid she take her grievances to my face, about how I couldn’t afford another kid. How could I when 2 months after her birthday she finally decided what she wanted me to get her and told me so and my response was that she’d have to wait a couple of weeks for me too work it into the budget, but I’d be happy to. Her point was that if I couldn’t afford a present for her, how could I afford a kid. An understandable point. But let’s look at the facts.

1. 2 months after her birthday is about a month before my oldest’s birthday. So my “spare” money was focused on his presents and his party. I had her in the budget the month of her birthday. She refused to come forward with ideas, I moved on.

2. We budget around here. We keep some emergency money for just in case. But aside from that, every paycheck is pre-planned about a month in advance. We know when bills hit, about when we’ll run out of diapers and plan a certain amount weekly for groceries and gas. This allows us to afford everything we need and gives us some extra for fun. We don’t use credit cards. if we don’t have the cash, we don’t have the item. So asking me for something out of the blue and expecting it within a week, not going to happen.

3. I was prepared to spend a good 100$ or more on her birthday because I wasn’t able to do anything for the previous Christmas and felt bad. So 100$ out of the blue, well see point 2.

So really, I’m not sure how valid her point was.

Now consider this.

Every member of our family allows me to work that many more hours before my husband starts losing his SSI. He was, at that point at his max. So it wasn’t going to go up no matter how many kids I popped out. But I was going to be able to work more. Without Luke, my promotion with both hours and pay increase would have landed him at nothing, and we’d be homeless… Despite the fact I now work more hours for more money per hour. Chew on that.

So basically, because of Luke, we can afford Luke. And believe it or not, we can afford a third when the time comes. With the added benefit of not going bankrupt because I accidentally worked overtime 2 weeks in a row.

I have more to post but that was long winded enough as is, so I’ll touch on the rest later. I promise.

For now I leave you with this. We’ll call him, tax deduction #2.

Bits and Pieces of Thoughts

I feel like I should be posting more. Getting the hell, and that’s what we’ll call it, I’m going through down on record. But even on the rare night that I’m not asleep before my kids… (wow I’ve retyped that last part like 5 times and the next part even more) I’m having trouble forming complete and understandable sentences. The thoughts are fleeting and jumbled. And I find my mind searching for the correct words like a little kid learning to talk. I’ll be fine for a few sentences and then lose it completely over a simple one. I guess it’s less obvious in type. But I think my co-workers are starting to notice the blank stare and me tripping over my tongue as I try to search for words.

And yes, the depression was a bigger, larger, greater hell than the side effects of celexa.

Still need to talk to the meds doc though. Hallucinations can’t be a good sign. They aren’t true hallucinations. They are classified as “disturbances”.

Either way you look at it, these meds are fucking with my head.