BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

5 Months

Posted April 5, 2019 By kmarrs

I’m officially 5 months out from graduation. But the next 5 months are going to be brutal. I’m going to try my best to keep the queue going with a post dropping every Monday at the usual time. The Thursday post just might not happen for a while though. We’ll see.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to let you know what’s going on. I’m doing my best but I have got to keep on top of school. Work is super busy too. And of course family is a constant at all times.

So while I’m not dropping the blog, I am focusing on the Monday posts for now.

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With Honors

Posted April 1, 2019 By kmarrs

It’s not 100% but unless I really fuck up one of my few remaining classes…

I walk the stage on August 6th and will be wearing top Latin Honors. I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude!

I’ve been practically working myself to death to maintain a nearly perfect GPA. With the exception of a single B, I have straight A’s. I berate myself over that B but apparently, one bad grade doesn’t matter. I’m still considered a top achieving student and I can finally forgive myself for that B and breath.

I feel more confident in my future now. I’m applying to one of the top programs in my field in the country. It’s right down the street and I won’t have to move my family to attend. But I can only imagine how competitive it is to get in! I’ve been so worried that my GPA would hinder me since it’s (currently) a 3.96 which is less than ideal, for my goals. However, if it’s good enough for Summa Cum Laude, then I guess it can be good enough for me.

Now I just have to blow the GRE out of the waters and I might stand a chance at my dream school!

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Strep

Posted March 28, 2019 By kmarrs

Lucas came down with strep throat last week. He woke up Thursday morning with a severely swollen lymph node in his neck so I took him to the ER at about 7 AM. My intent was to go to work after. But when we found out it was strep, and my own throat hurt, as did Sammy’s and Thomas’. So I instead spent the day getting us all tested.

The rest of us were fine. We all just had colds. But Lucas was not fine and was put on Amoxicillin.

5 days later, Tuesday afternoon, he’s suddenly covered head to toe in a rash. The dreaded Amoxicillin rash is no joke. It’s pretty bad. And there isn’t much you can do for it.

We called the pediatrician and they gave us the thumbs up to stop the meds. We’re due to show up in their office in a few hours and they will determine the next step as far as antibiotics go. You can’t really just stop mid treatment. That’s how antibiotic resistant strains happen. So we’ll see.

Poor kid.

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Caffeine

Posted March 25, 2019 By kmarrs

I quit soda in the fall of 2018. The sugar in regular soda was getting to be just too sweet. But the diet soda was giving me migraines. So I went with the healthy decision to just quit all soda cold turkey as soon as it became cool enough outside that I could make up for it with warm tea.

Instead I ended up taking on a major water habit that has me going through about 75 oz of it through the course of the day. I am hydrated, to say the least.

I was also still drinking kickstarts, usually two at a time. See, kickstarts aren’t soda. They are juice based with added caffeine. Caffeine I was using to self-medicate my ADHD. Also, I was drinking them enough that if I went without I went into wicked caffeine withdrawal and, again, migraines.

However, a 2-3$ a day habit when you’re hurting for food money is not a good habit. It wasn’t every day. But it was close enough. So I took advantage of the stomach flu I had and while I was already dying, I detoxed from the kickstarts. This was very early February, so just recently.

That left me with coffee and tea. Which I was fine with in moderation. For the most part I don’t have access to coffee, at 4-5$ each, and only regularly drink tea. (I only like lattes and cappuccinos. No matter how much crap I add to office black coffee, I can’t drink it. So I buy it from the Starbucks next door or at the Kroger and it adds up, even for just a few times a month.)

The thing is, after I gave up the kickstarts, and was only drinking a cup or two of tea a day, my headaches all but disappeared.

Then one fateful Thursday I had access to too large coffees in a short span and suddenly my headaches was back to how it had been.

Which leaves me to believe I have a caffeine sensitivity. And am probably better off quitting coffee too.

I’m still going to drink tea, but tea has yet to make me sick. Even black tea. So I think I’m safe there?

Or it’s possible if I quit black tea too, the mild, simply annoying headaches I still have will clear up completely. I’m not sure.

I know my resting pulse even without recent (6-12hrs) caffeine intake is around 120. Which might be anemia. However, my hemoglobin is currently healthy and my rate is still up.

So I’m curious to see how this all plays out.

I don’t want to give up tea. I really don’t like most herbal teas though. But really, as sick as I am, drinking nothing but water and the occasional juice might be what’s best for me.

But tea is good for my mental health.

So we’ll see how this plays out.

Anyway, it’s in writing. I’ve given up soda, energy drinks (aka kickstarts) and now coffee. And I’m drinking more than the daily recommended water intake.

.

Edit: Since writing this, I have since quit all caffeine including tea. I have fewer headaches and my pulse average is down 10 beats. I’m thinking this decision is for the best.

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Saturdays

Posted March 23, 2019 By kmarrs

It’s 7:30 PM, early spring.

This is my favorite time of day
The sun is setting outside my window where I sit at my desk.
The sun catchers I have up ready for this moment are glowing.
The plants in that corner are getting so much natural light.
I can’t see for shit because I’m literally blinded by the sun.
But it’s warm on my face even through the window panes.
So I sit here and soak it up with my plants and my sun catchers.

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Lip Treatment

Posted March 21, 2019 By kmarrs

So on a whim this past winter, I made a lip scrub out of ingredients you can find in any grocery store. Not just all natural, because nightshade is natural, but a lip scrub you could literally safely eat because sometimes that happens.

I used a little half cup Rubbermaid container and filled it about halfway with honey. Then I poured in half as much sugar, and then a couple of tablespoons worth of oil. I used grapeseed oil, but you really could use any food grade oil that they stock at the store. I just think grapeseed is the one I’m less grumpy about accidentally ingesting because you will get some in your mouth as you apply it liberally to your lips.

The whole thing is shelf stable so I keep my container of this right in my shower and use it about once a week, or as needed.

The sugar helps scrub off that dead layer of skin that builds up and peels. If you are like me, you chew it off the best you can, but stop doing that because it only causes more damage! This scrub will get rid of it and keep it gone! Then the honey and oil moisturize your lips keeping them happy and healthy.

Also, you know how in the dead of winter, or year round if you’re like me, your elbows get really dry and scaly? This stuff will scrub off the dead skin and moisturize there too. I use it as a face scrub roughly once a month. Not all the time, because there is oil involved, but it hydrates my skin wherever I apply it.

I’m telling you, this stuff is wonderful. You need to pair it with chapstick, but it goes beyond what just chapstick can do!

Lucas always gets lips so chapped that his entire mouth area turns red. I used this stuff on him (and Sammy) at the first sign of trouble, and it worked. It saved the kid so much pain! Because severely chapped lips hurt like hell!

Anyway, I could go on and on about how great this stuff is. Just a little sugar, honey, and food grade oil. You can buy everything you need for like 15$ and have enough to make a dozen containers. I made one from my mom for her birthday. She swears by it too!

So consider yourself encouraged to pamper your lips! Winter may be over, but it’s great year-round at least to some degree.

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