BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

Keeping a Finger on the Problem

Posted May 27, 2019 By kmarrs

I have a new app recommended to me by my therapist called HeartRate+ Pro that I’m supposed to use for 5 minutes, 3 times a day (or 15 minutes once a day) to learn how to better control my heart rate.

The idea of the app is that the camera flash tracks your pulse while you breathe in time to the preset pattern. This breathing pattern is supposed to trigger the ideal heart rate.

So far I’m having limited luck with it. But it’s early yet and I’m not using it religiously like I should.

I need… I need to get better about that.

Because the thing is, if this tool can help lower my heart rate, I can start ADHD meds all the faster!

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Meditation Part 2

Posted May 20, 2019 By kmarrs

Sambam is dealing with some pretty significant anxiety at the 7-year-old level. So I’m teaching her how to meditate.

First I guide her through some deep breaths to establish a calm foundation. Then, I have her doing exactly what my therapist has me doing: I’m having her reflect on what she’s feeling emotionally and how it affects her physically, for about 5 minutes.

I don’t know exactly what is going on in that little head of her in those moments of silence, but when the time is up, I ask her how she’s feeling and she says better, so I guess whatever she’s thinking it must be working.

We do this every night before she goes to bed. It makes the bedtime process a hell of a lot easier. But I’ve also told her to practice the breathing through the day when she needs it, but also when she doesn’t, so that she has the tool all sharp and ready to go when she needs it.

We’ll see where this goes. I kind of feel like the blind leading the blind, but if it’s helping, it can’t be too bad.

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Meditation

Posted May 13, 2019 By kmarrs

In the past, meditation has actually given me increased anxiety. This was because I was of the impression that the goal was to clear my mind completely. Which… is impossible. You can not clear the mind that has ADHD. I’m not even convinced you can clear the neurotypical mind.

Then somewhere along the way, recently, I learned the goal isn’t to clear the mind. You’re going to have thoughts. The trick is to acknowledge them then let them pass you by. Move them aside. And go back to focusing on your breathing until the next thought.

So, with therapist instructions that I’m supposed to meditate for 5 minutes a day, I attempted this. She wants me to spend those 5 minutes focusing on what I’m feeling. So I began the journey of daily meditation.

But it still made me nervous. Was I doing it right?

It took me a couple of days, but I finally downloaded a guided meditation app. The one I have has a beginner’s class that teaches you how to meditate mid practice. It’s not exactly what my therapist had in mind, as she’s since confirmed, but it’s a start. And I can spend an additional 5 minutes focusing on what Ruby wants me to focus on.

So, I guess I meditate now. I do it right before bed as part of my relaxation routine.

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Post-Op

Posted May 9, 2019 By kmarrs

I had that surgery this morning. It went really well. I’m in recovery mode at home just kinda riding the oxy high. They gave me oxy which is a lovely thing that they did.

I’m going to keep this really short because I’m hyper aware how stoned I am right not. Legally and rightfully. But uh…

Anyway, life is mellow today. I return to the chaos of finals week tomorrow but I’m giving myself today to just heal.

So Hi. I’m here. I’m alive. Not that there was a question on that. But I don’t even feel like death, except for my throat from the tube. I’m just sort of quiet and mellow and when provoked, silly. But there are worse ways to be post-op.

Hmm… this needs an image…

This candle is a lot smaller than this photo implies. It’s the mini candle. Good stuff.

So this candle was bought from DnD Apothecary and is super amazing. It came in a bundle with a metal D20 and a small wooden treasure box just big enough to hold 2 D20s. Luckily, I have a second metal one because, well, I also have a larger version of their candles, this one in the Woodland Ranger scent.

They are a small etsy based business but I really love them!

(Disclaimer: No one is paying me or asking me to plug them. I stumbled upon this person on Tumblr. Followed the link to their store. Bought a couple of candles. Plan to buy a couple more. And thought I’d share the joy that is this store with all of you. I really love their candles. They have soap too, but I have not tried it.)

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End of Term – Touch of Base

Posted May 6, 2019 By kmarrs

I’m wiring this on May 1, 2019. It is going live on May 6, 2019. And the term ends on May 11, 2019. Just so we’re all in the same place.

I feel… tired. Stressed. Scared. Determined. Tired.

I have a handful of papers to read in the time that remains, for a huge project that is due by the 11th. I have to get the project itself put together. This includes all my secondary research. However, I also conducted primary research and have 2 surveys to analyze. One if fairly minor. The other has over 300 responses. I’m really overwhelmed and scared I can’t do this project justice.

On top of that I have a few more papers to write for that class. and a handful of chapters to read.

And that’s not my only class.

In my other class, I already turned in my big project because I needed it off my plate and it was less overwhelming. So I just knocked it out.

But I still have a huge final paper to write, and a couple of minor papers as well. Plus reading. Always reading. Though the reading for this class it less intimidating.

The next 1.5 weeks are just going to be super stressful. And, lest we forget, I have a surgery scheduled for in the midst of it all.

But I will survive. I am strong. I have high powers on my side. I will come through this.

I have the week that immediately follows this off from school. But then I’m right back at it with the heavy course load.

Light a candle for me, yeah?

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Surgery

Posted April 29, 2019 By kmarrs

On May 9th I am getting something called an Endometrial Ablation. Which basically means they are removing the lining of my uterus. If all goes as planned, this means I will stop having a menstrual cycle.

The official reasoning behind this is my anemia. I’ve already had a tubal ligation, meaning I can’t have anymore children, so there is no medical reason for me to continue to lose blood every month, especially while suffering from anemia. This is a legit concern. So we’re putting a stop to it.

What it means for my gender dysphoria is off the record and not a concern. But considering a lot of trans people in my position go for full hysterectomies, if not full reconstruction…

What I’m doing is fairly routine and an outpatient procedure. I’ll only miss one day of work, and that’s because I couldn’t schedule for a Friday.

I’m, like, really excited for this surgery. I’m so sick of losing blood every month. It’s such a useless process at this stage in my life. Gender dysphoria not withstanding…

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