BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

Crocheting

Posted March 6, 2017 By kmarrs

When I was much younger, about 8 years old, my grandmother, who could crochet anything, started teaching me the craft.  But as we were short on time, we didn’t get any further than the beginning chain.  The plan became for me to spend a couple of weeks with her that summer, and she would have me taught the rest of the way in no time at all.

She died that spring.

So here I was 25 years later, unable to crochet more than the beginning chain.  That is until I met my friend Savi, who can, just like my grandma, crochet just about anything.  Now Savi isn’t local but she worked as a catalyst towards me wanting to master this skill once and for all.  So I asked her for her advice on what YouTube videos might be the best to teach me.  She sent me this link.  With my tax return I bought a bunch of yarn, a set of crochet hooks, and a couple of beginners pattern books and away I stumbled.

As we speak I’m taking a break from a Barbie blanket I’m working on.  Nothing too exciting.  It’s solid white, and isn’t following a pattern.  It was a means of me remastering a chain, and learning the first stitch.  My next project will be a second Barbie blanket where I master the second stitch.  And so on.  It’s good practice.

My stitch work is uneven and I have a lot to learn.  However, I’m getting there and I’m determined.  I will do this.  So help me.

Besides, it is calming.  I mean not now.  Right now it’s frustrating.  But once I have my stitch down and I’m comfortable with what I’m doing, it’ll be calming.  I know this as fact.  It’s a great tool for the depressed and anxious.  So I’m learning and mastering.

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New Year, Same Me

Posted January 19, 2017 By kmarrs

This is just a general update.

It took me two months to get over that cough.  And even so my lungs still aren’t quite right.  I’ve never had bronchitis hit me that hard.  But then again, pneumonia.  Right as I was starting to get better, right about Christmas, I caught a cold my daughter brought home from school, and it went right to my lungs.  I just couldn’t catch a break.  Then again with this weather yo-yoing between freezing and light jacket weather, it’s no wonder everyone is sick.  And everyone is sick.  I don’t just mean my family, I mean there are nasty bugs out there going around.

I’ve made some friends.  On Tumblr but it totally counts.  I’ve joined a group of misfits that have banned together to form a family.  Misfits is my word, but I think they’d agree with it.  I’m still in the early stages of joining.  I’ve been welcomed by the group patriarch, Simon.  And one of the group members, Savi, is my new best friend.  Or she will be just give it time.  I’m slowly making friends with the others.  It’s hard because I’m introverted, but I’ve been welcomed and that’s a great feeling.  They meet on social media and watch movies and chat every night, basically all night, because we’re a bunch of insomniacs.  I only meet with them Thursday night through Saturday night because I need my sleep during the week.  One part depression, one part med cocktail, one part fibromyalgia, one part I’ve been this way my entire life: I value sleep and need a solid 9-10 hours of it with frequent 12 hour power naps to help fill in the gaps.  You think I’m joking?  I’m not.  So I’ve made friends.  My therapist would be so proud.

Only, she’s not my therapist anymore.  It’s a long story but the gist of it is, I’m not feeling the magic anymore so I’m breaking off the relationship.  Maybe I’ll go back next time life crumbles.  Maybe I’ll find a new one.  I still have my meds doc, so I’m not without mental health help.  I’m just not in therapy.  And right now, at this moment that’s ok.  That relationship wasn’t a good fit anymore so it was time to move on.  If I was really responsible I’d get myself set up with a new one and a relationship established before my next life crash.  I know my meds doc can recommend one.  I’m just tired.  And right now, that’s one less half hour trip there, hour-long appointment, half hour trip back.  I could find someone closer, but I like the group I go to.  They are worth the travel time.  And I’m not giving up my meds doctor.  So I might as well find a therapist in the same building.

Trump.  Actually, I’d rather not.  I have not opened that can of worms on this blog and I’m going to keep it that way for now.  Let us just leave it at this: I’m really going to miss Obama.  He brought a level of dignity, class, and professionalism to the office that will be sorely missed.

School is going well.  I’m maintaining a nearly 4.0.  I still have that one B that is keeping me from perfection, but I’ll survive.  I have not repeated the incident, at least.  I’m currently in a professional communications class which is heavy on the writing.  I’m, maybe not enjoying the content, but I really enjoy my professor and this class will be a huge help in my academic and professional careers, so I can respect it for that.

Speaking of which, class starts in 15, so I’d better proof read this and get it posted.  I’ll try my best to be better at writing regularly.  I’m not saying weekly, but we’ll see.  I’m just so tired.  Work, school, kids.  I’m exhausted.

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Bronchitis with Bite

Posted November 17, 2016 By kmarrs

I’ve gotten bronchitis every single fall since I was 12 years old.  For those of you keeping count, that’s 20 year’s worth.  I haven’t missed a year.  Sometimes I even get a bonus case in the spring.  I don’t know dudes.  I don’t smoke anything that actually gets inhaled.  I don’t have asthma.  I don’t have many things that would explain this 20 year ordeal.  I just have chronic bronchitis.

So when the chest cold hit last week, I acknowledged my fate and went to the doctor before it had a chance to get bad.

Actually, let’s back up about a dozen years.  I don’t know when this part began, but as far as recent years go, the only things that really get me breathing right are an inhaler, which isn’t uncommon, and a shot of steroids to the ass.  Now, I suppose it doesn’t have to be administered that way.  I could do the 5 or 7 day taper down, but I metabolize it better when I get the shot to the ass and I become less psychotic.  Seeing as I’m borderline psychotic on my best days, I find myself willing to submit to the needle.  Plus needles don’t bother me.  And my ass has lots of padding.  So it’s a little fast prick (insert lewd joke here) and then I can breathe again within hours.

But I always need the steroids.  Always.

So when I went to the little urgent care at the grocery store I had two items on the agenda: steroids (any form, I couldn’t be picky at the urgent care) and an inhaler.

Now I’ll admit I was early in the illness so I wasn’t yet wheezing, but she acknowledged my history and stated that yes it was bronchitis, just caught early.  She handed me a script for an inhaler, an antibiotic (she thought I might also have a sinus infection, you don’t treat bronchitis with an antibiotic), a script for a decongestant, and a script for a cough syrup.

No amount of talk would get her to prescribe a steroid.  It didn’t matter that I had a 20 year history of this, she wasn’t going to do it.  She didn’t give me a reason, just a refusal.  So that was that.

That was last Saturday.

I went to work Monday and convinced my coworkers I was dying and dying loudly.

Tuesday I went in again, because I knew I’d be needed, but told my boss it would probably be best if I stayed home Wednesday and Thursday, and why. (I didn’t see her at all Monday, and she works on a whole different floor, so she had no idea I was sick and dying from the cough.)

Tuesday at 1PM I got sent home early, which isn’t unusual for a Tuesday and I decided F that noise, and went to my local emergency room.  I was bad enough I needed chest x-rays and I wasn’t going to leave until I got a shot of steroids to the rump.  The hospital, btw, use to be the first place I went with this crud, and that’s where the steroid treatment began.  So I knew they’d hook me up.

Well, after a brief wait, and a few chest x-rays I was called back to a room and given the interesting news that I was no longer dealing with just bronchitis, I know officially have my first case of pneumonia.

They hooked me up with a breathing treatment, because my pulse was up and I was, well, that sick.

And yes right before I left, my beloved steroids to the rump.

I can’t even tell you.

It’s like for days I kept coughing and coughing and coughing almost nonstop, but nothing was happening with it.  After the steroids… You know that feeling of finally being able to get under a cough to push it up, verses fighting against it for ages but never being able to get under it, so it’s just stuck down inside you? Steroids let me get underneath the cough and push it all the way out of my lungs.  Now instead of nonstop coughing, I cough a few times an hour and that’s it.  Maybe more if I’m doing a lot of talking.

And I’m still like super drained, because duh I’m really sick, but before that shot, the idea of going back to work Monday felt impossible.  Now it’s totally doable.  The next few days of rest and I’ll be so ready to return to work.

So yeah, I’m just going straight to the hospital with this crap from now on.  I’ll wait until it’s fully in my lungs.  No more catching it early, because doctors don’t like being told what’s going to happen, but when it hits, I know where to go from here on out.

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Babies

Posted November 11, 2016 By kmarrs

My 20 gallon community is teaming with new life.  I have baby Sunburst Platys.  But most excitedly I have baby cherry shrimp.  It took forever for them to breed, and I think half of them end up fish food, but so far there have been 2-3 waves of baby shrimp and I’m super excited.  At some point, tax return most likely, I’m going to try and talk Pat into letting me upgrade to a 30 gallon.  I won’t add new life, it’ll just better support the life that’s already in it.   We’ll see.

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IQ You

Posted November 7, 2016 By kmarrs

On the 24th of October I sat the admissions test for MENSA.  I sat and failed, that is.

It’s been a lifelong goal of mine to join MENSA.  So this came as a hard break.  It’s not even that I’m not as smart as I thought I could be.  I don’t care as much about that.  I was greatly looking forward to the social opportunities.  And well, yes, I feel stupid.

I do feel really stupid.

And as I sit here trying to turn this into a long post I realize there is nothing more I want to say on the subject.  I mean I could explore how I feel stupid even though I’m not stupid but fuck that.  I don’t really want to talk about it.

So I’ve shared that I tried.  I’ve shared that I failed.  And now I have school work to work on.

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Social Life

Posted September 15, 2016 By kmarrs

I’m trying to make friends.  It’s one of my goals in therapy, to have a friend by the end of 6 months.  I have plenty of acquaintances, but no real solid best friend (besides Pat).  And I want one (besides Pat).  So I have embarked on a social life, of sorts.

First I invited a girl who used to work with us, but had to leave, over for dinner.  She was curious about the animals, and she’s really nice, so I figured, hey, why not!  She and her boyfriend came over and had Pat’s famous baked ravioli.  But, I don’t know.  They seemed in a hurry to leave after dinner.  And she hasn’t really seemed interested in more than idle small talk since.  So I guess there is no real connection there.  Which fine.

Next up, I took my boss to see Wicked.  She came over to dinner first and met the family then we headed out to the show.  It was a great time, and I enjoyed being social.  I even hope we’ll be social again in the future.  But my boss is not going to be more than a casual friend to me and that’s ok.

Finally, another girl I work with has a daughter Sammy’s age.  So I invited the two of them to come to Sammy’s birthday party.  That was a hit and both girls have a new best friend.  Katie and I however, will be ok mom friends, but she just isn’t my type when it comes to a best friend.

So, I’m not left with nothing.  I’m just not any closer to having a best friend.

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