BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

Depression and BPD

Posted June 10, 2015 By kmarrs

Fire_antsFor months now, my continued and prolonged state of depression has been written off as a nasty side of effect of having a sister that was maybe dying.  You know, one of those times where depression was based on real life events and not on the fact I’m all sorts of fucked up in the head.  And yes, that’s the technical term I’m going with because it’s how I feel.  Want to fight me on it?

Well, my sister’s life was saved a week and a half ago.  Oh, she’s in miserable shape as she’s recovering from a massive surgery and a long illness, but she’s no longer dying.  There isn’t any reason to think she won’t live to see 80 or older.

It is at this point that all the pretty doctors, like those in the hospital when I tried to be admitted for being a danger to myself, seem to have thought I’d magically feel better.

OK, maybe they didn’t think it would be magically, maybe just a natural cause and effect, but as much as they talked about my sister’s illness being the cause, I damn well expected the effect of feeling world’s better!

If anything I’m feeling twice as worse because the magic didn’t happen.  I didn’t magically feel better when my sister was saved.  Oh, I mean I feel loads better about that, but the depression that eats away at you, crawls under your skill like a billion little bugs invading your every nook and cranny, setting up shop so they can take over your life and eat away at you from the inside out.

And I’m depressed.  I’m depressed as fuck.

I’m taking all the right pills.

I’m doing all the right things.

My sister is saved.

And I can feel the bugs crawling under my skin, invading my life, eating away at all my little happy pieces.  I can feel them.

I can feel them.

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True Story

Posted June 9, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder Blog

Two months ago I was sure I was just constipated and it turned out to be acute appendicitis.

This time I was almost positive I was passing a kidney stone but too dehydrated to get it on my own, and it turns out I’m just constipated.

Either way it turns out I have a gallstone which explains the I’M DYING feeling I sometimes get under the bottom of my right ribcage.

I don’t know.

At least I had health insurance.

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The Walking the Borderline Weekender

Posted June 6, 2015 By kmarrs

Walking the Borderline Blog BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

I know.  I’m sorry.  I haven’t written a word all week worth anything.  Not even in any of my books.  I guess… It’s not lack of anything to write as much as its lack of ability.  If it makes you feel any better, it took most the week to remember how to read.

Sister is doing well.  She had to go back to the ER for a second quick operation.  They basically poked a camera around and did some cleanup to figure out why the drains were filling so fast.  Nothing major, especially compared to what she went through the day prior.

She spent a couple of days refusing to wake up.  Not in a dangerous way.  She just had a lot of crap to sleep off and I think overall for those couple of days life was less miserable if she slept.  We could get the occasional response when she wasn’t in a deep sleep.  It had us in a tizzy because we were desperate to see her alert, but the nurses were all quick to assure she was fine.  All her numbers (bilirubin, blood pressure, hemoglobin, heart rate) were all looking amazing compared to how they had been just two days prior so she was healthier already.

Personally, while I wanted to see her alert just as bad as mom did, I assured her she had my support to keep on sleeping until she was ready.

Then when she was ready, she woke up.

This week in my store:

Profits from my store go towards supporting my family.

Speaking of my store, you can find a link to the WTBL new items up along the top. It’ll take you here. I actually own the pink shirt. No joke, I love it! All items in the WTBL store are great ways to support the blog and my family at the same time!  Seriously.  This and my writing (books/blog) are what I currently do for a living now.

 

In closing, this quote:

 

Sambam has learned she is three.  She has now decided she needs three of everything.  Three cereal bars, three stories at bedtime, etc.

The other night she saw she had three of the same book from Wendy’s and she goes, “Three color books!?!  I know I’m three but I don’t need three color books!  That’s ridiculous!”

And this cute realization:

The ferret doesn’t seem to care when we yell at the boys, but when we yell at Sammy he gets really defensive of her.  He’ll stand up in his cage staring us down like, “I will fight you!  That is the girl child and no one yells at the girl child!  Don’t make me come up there!  I will fight you!”

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My Baby Sister’s Liver

Posted May 30, 2015 By kmarrs

Liver failure blog bpd borderline personality disorderShe has a new liver! My baby sister has a new liver! They found a match in good shape! She was wheeled into surgery this morning! There were no complications! She’s going to live!

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Published Author – Karen Marrs

Posted May 28, 2015 By kmarrs

I hate editing.  So the fact my memoir is in full edit mode, with nothing left to write, is painful.  So to actively avoid editing, I have been playing more Final Fantasy, I’ve been working on The Last Dwarf, and I sat down and wrote a little kid’s picture book in full.  I then tested how, exactly, self publishing works by publishing it.  I now know what I’d do differently next time.  But in the meantime I present you:


Found in Print and For the Kindle

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Sort of Wordless Wednesday

Posted May 27, 2015 By kmarrs

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