BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

It’s Probably Nothing

Posted October 12, 2015 By kmarrs

So I don’t really know what to say on this, or when the appropriate time to say it would be, if ever.  I’m just kind of at a point where if I don’t blog about it now, I may never, and I think I can work an important PSA into it.  So here goes.

On Wednesday, October 7, 2015, my husband found a lump in my right breast.  Well, not so much a lump, but a noticeable change.  I, of course, immediately made an appointment to have it checked.  The CPA that examined me said she was leaning towards it being nothing to worry about, but she did refer me out to a specialist so that we could all have peace of mind.

So on this coming Thursday, I will be getting my first ever mammogram.

At this point it’s more better safe than sorry than an actual alarm, but there is still a chance, however slight, that there is actually something wrong.

So I ask you to please, if you don’t already, check yourself regularly.  You are never too young, and things can spring up out of nowhere.

Ok.  Thanks.

Be the first to comment

The Fellowship (Not) Of The Ring

Posted October 9, 2015 By kmarrs

I maybe, probably, like 75+% certain, have a job starting in January!  Not that I was necessarily looking for a job but…

See, my algebra professor is head of the math department.  At least her part of the math department.  So on top of teaching duties she has a butt ton of administrative stuff.  And she basically works like 60+ hours a week and is doing her best but is only one person and she actually manages to keep all the balls in the air, but it exhausting.  It sounds exhausting.  She needs help.

I pointed this out to her Wednesday and suggested she could use a TA.  She agreed and said she could ask for one, but no one ever wants to TA mathematics.  Ever.

Uh.  I would.  Gladly.

So she and I talked it over.  I’ve given her my background, my education goals, my career goals, and it sounds like the only person who’d want the job, is a good fit.

It does have to be officially posted and technically I could have competition.  But that’s why I’m only 75% certain I have a job starting in January.

January?  Yeah, I have to not be her student before I can TA.

Technically it would be a work fellowship because I’m not a graduate student, but it’s still basically the same thing.

And it’s a paying gig.  I honestly didn’t know that when I volunteered.

My logic…

I can’t handle working and school right now.  I’m still too fragile.  But…

This would only be like 10-15 hours a week.  Basically if I have class on, say, Tuesday and Thursday nights, I’d go down at noon and work for 5 hours then go to class.  Maybe a third day if there is enough work.

I would not be interacting with people other than professors and maybe occasionally scheduling a meeting for her, so there is no stress of the general public.  Plus there are no sales goals or customer service surveys.

I’d basically be grading, typing, copying, hole punching, stapling, etc etc.  The busy work she can delegate.  She even suggested she might loan me out to other professors who need help.  So this could get maybe at some point closer to 20 hours a week.

But… this is the stuff I actually enjoy doing.  And I enjoy Dr. Latin.  She drives me crazy, she reminded me a lot of me without the mental health issues, but we mutually respect each other and it makes for some fun banter.

I think this would be a way for me to work without feeling like I’m working.  Plus it gets me out of the house.  Plus it’s a paycheck.

More importantly: I can start teaching as soon as I have a bachelor’s in some cases.  That’s me teaching in, oh, 5 years.  If I spend the next 5 years TAing for various professors, I’ll have tons of experience in the world of teaching, behind the scenes anyway, and my foot in the door at the university I see myself teaching at.  This is a great step in the right direction.

So, I’m super excited.  I really hope this works out.  Not just because it’s a job and that would be useful, but because this is a great step in the direction I want to go.

1 Comment. Join the Conversation

General Check-in

Posted October 7, 2015 By kmarrs

I know, it’s been a hot minute since I last posted.  I blame upcoming tests, school projects, and general course work load, but there has also been some gaming in there.  What can I say, it’s how I decompress.

And I’ve needed to decompress.

See last week, last Tuesday, I was on my way to class when my car’s steering column fell apart.  While I was driving the car.  Luckily I was in a parking lot going about 3 mph.  Because if I’d been on the freeway like 15 minutes earlier, I would have died.  That is no exaggeration.


So… That image just kind of sums up my, well, year. At least the past few weeks.

School is going well, except for the plan to make friends. If I get an A in the one class I’m going to have to fight for it tooth and nail. So that has me stressed. I mean it’s a good stress. The kind I thrive under. I’m also just still depressed and tired.

But it’ll work itself out, right? It will. I just need to hang in there.

I may have already said this, but I’m in a one-on-one DBT with my therapist. I’ve had to miss a couple of weeks thanks to the car, but we’ll pick up where we left off. It’s good to have a refresher on the skills. I’m also in a point in my life where I’m the most receptive to it. So yeah, that’s going well.

I guess… I’m doing what I need to do. I’m taking care of myself. So eventually this depression will lift. It has to.

Be the first to comment

I Don’t Really Hate Math, Of Course

Posted September 30, 2015 By kmarrs

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew, taking two math classes at once. Either way it would have been two classes at the same time, but I might have paired it better if only one class was a math class, and they weren’t both 15 weeks long. The next 15 weeks are going to be stressful.

The thing is, I know I can handle it. I’m scared I can’t, but that’s how I am. I never give myself credit.

What I don’t know is if I’ll survive this term with a perfect 4.0. I’m having to let go of some impossible standards. There are only so many times I can work a problem before I give up and admit defeat. Defeat isn’t the end of the world. It only feels like it is. Defeat simply means I need a little help and that’s ok. It has to be. I’m not perfect.

I’m not perfect.

Which the insane part is I long ago accepted I’m not perfect, and yet I hold myself to the standard of perfection when it comes to my academics. I know it’s because I know I’m capable of great things. But I’m still only human. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m human and I make mistakes. Or I simply don’t understand everything with perfect clarity. And that’s ok. The standard I hold myself to is an impossible standard and that standard is not ok.

I repeat, mostly to myself because I’m the one not listening, holding myself to a standard of perfection is not ok. It’s not healthy. It has me obsessing over every miserable point loss, and spending hours reviewing what I already know because I’m afraid I’ll forget something come test time.

I can’t do this to myself. I’m fighting a hard enough battle as it is, why do I insist on purposely making it worse?

I need to stop.


So what if I get a B? That’s still above average. It’s a passing grade. It’s more than acceptable to any rational human being.

My perfect 4.0 won’t last forever. At least it’ll be better if it’s because I’m not perfect, verses not doing the work. I’m putting in the effort. It shows. I’m getting the vast majority of the material even. I’m just… tired? Not perfect. And in my mental and physical exhaustion I make mistakes,

I might even pull off an A in both class. All this stress over my GPA might be for naught. Either way, I need to just let it go. Accept what is and let go of what can’t be.

I just. This is hard for me.

All I am right now is a student. I don’t have a job to excel in. I have motherhood, of course, but that isn’t all I am. School is what is taking me away from my kids so I at least need to make the best of it. Be the best at it. No. Just do my best.

I need to do my best and accept that no one’s best is perfection. No one is perfect. I need to accept I’m certainly not the exception.

Be the first to comment

Know What?

Posted September 28, 2015 By kmarrs

Fuck maths.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Shit.  I don’t have time to talk about it.

But fuck maths.

Be the first to comment

It’s a Metaphor

Posted September 21, 2015 By kmarrs

Have you ever just known you were solving a math problem wrong but you were so far in you just had to see where it took you just incase, but 10 minutes later you’ve confirmed it had to have been wrong all along? Oh, and you’re not sure when exactly it went wrong?  Sometimes you have all the skills but you just don’t know when or how to use them.  Sometimes you had the skills but that was like a decade ago, and best of luck with that.  Sometimes you never had the math skills, the individual how-tos and you’re just plain stuck.  Sometimes even with all the skills math still throws radicals, insane fractions, and irrationals your way.  It’s all mathematically correct, but it makes zero sense and is just a mess.

Also: this can all be a metaphor for life and suddenly you can relate to my math struggles.

Ah well. I’m going to try isolating the other radical and see what happens.

Be the first to comment
saufrancine dapper_328@mailxu.com