BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

So there is a Tumblr user who will go unnamed for their own safety that I’ve been an adopted mom to for a while.  They live in a shitty situation with their parents and are a constant victim to all sorts of abuse with no easy way out.  Also, please note that they are 20 so what I’m about to do is legal.  However, being an adult doesn’t always make leaving any easier.

I consider this person to be like a daughter to me.  A daughter of my heart if not my blood.  You know how found families are.  They are a core member of my friend group and over time they’ve revealed more and more details of the abuse they suffer to the group.

I finally reached my breaking point and with their consent, the whole group is now in rescue mode with me playing a central role.

First I need a new job that pays a living wage, which I’m looking for no matter what anyway.  I’m about to graduate, this is the next step in my life.  But with that living wage, I should be able to sort my finances and make it so I’m no longer dependent on my mother.  This is key.  I can’t initiate the plan if my mom is giving me a few hundred dollars a month to support my family.  I don’t currently have a death wish.

Anyway with finances in a better position, and a tax return in hand to fund the trip, in early March I’m making the 12 hour drive to a state I won’t identify (actually my mom is driving me in her car because I’m a horrible driver and my own car is guaranteed to not survive this trip, bless its soul) we’re packing my found daughter up, and bringing her home with me.  All while her parents are at work so we have no resistance.  (A note will be left and the local police will be notified that this is a rescue and they are not missing, just leaving a bad situation.)

Once back in Ohio they will live with me as long as they need to get on their feet and establish their life as an adult, just like I will allow my other 3 kids.  I don’t see a difference.  It won’t be the most ideal living situation as quarters are cramped.  But they’ve declared it much better than their current situation.  So that’s something at least.

My friend group is working out the logistics of this plan.  Everything from where I can rent a little cargo trailer and a trailer hitch, to making sure they can finish their current degree and move on to the next, to health insurance, to getting them in therapy the second we’re back in Ohio.

My immediate family is on board with this.  Pat is a little more resigned than excited.  But Pat understands who they married and how I am.  My purpose in life is to rescue those in need with whatever power I have.  That, and I’ve been talking for years about being done having kids, but wanting to foster older kids and give them a loving family once we’re financially stable and the kids are grown.  This is about 10 years sooner than I had in mind, and it’s an adult we’re fostering.  But hey.  This is the path I’ve been led down.

Sammy is super excited to have a big “sister”.  The boys are accepting.  Lucas is hesitant but he’s autistic and is really hesitant with any strangers.  He’ll be fine.  He has 8 months to warm up to it.  Most importantly, while I’m aware of his stranger danger tendencies, he’ll at no point be in any danger so trust will be built.

Mom is hesitant but also on board enough to drive me 12 hours and back to make this happen.  You know how mom’s can/should be.  Cautiously supportive.

So yeah, that’s what I’m up to these days when not studying.

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The Job Hunt

Posted July 8, 2019 By kmarrs

Ok. So due to being a federal work-study, I’m officially out of a job as soon as I complete my final class on August 9th. Which is like a month away. So yikes!

I’ve already started the job search. Weeks ago by this point.

I’m looking for really most any entry-level position I can find in the business world that does not involve sales. My focus is on administrative assistant positions and entry-level human resources. But I’m fairly open. Again, as long as there are no sales involved.

I’m searching on my own via Zip Recruiter. However, I’m also working with a recruiter in an employment agency. She is confident she can find me something in the $15-20/hr pay range.

$15/hr is the minimum I can make, even full-time, in order to meet my financial obligations. I’m hyper aware that come February the government is going to come knocking wanting me to pay back $57k in loans. Now we’ll be able to work out an income-based payment plan, and might even be able to be forgiven for a chunk of it. But I’m not going to be able to avoid paying it off completely.

So that’s where I stand and what I’m up to besides work and school and family.

Also, just a quick tip: Zip recruiter makes it super easy to apply to like 50 jobs at once with just the click of 50 buttons. However, do not do this. This is the fast track to opening a portal to hell. So instead, aim for like 10-12 applications every week or two. Just trust me.

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Can You Spare Some Change?

Posted July 1, 2019 By kmarrs

Let’s face it, I’m broke. I’m working fewer hours than I used to while I finish up this degree. It’s hurting our ability to pay bills. Heck, I haven’t worked enough hours to pay bills in years, while working towards this degree, but it’s gotten worse! Additionally, while we do get food stamps, feeding all 5 of us is no small expense. Now that the kids are out of school for the summer, they are no longer getting free breakfast and lunch. I would literally do about anything to feed my family. That includes asking for tips.


Yes. I have a Ko-Fi page. I’m asking that if you find value in my blog? Or maybe learned from me?  Or you understand BPD a little better because of me?  And you want to show your appreciation?  Consider leaving me  Ko-Fi tip!  Even just 3$ can help out food on the table and keep my electric on!

The link/button is on the top left of this blog, but I’m going to provide it again right here.

Anything you send will go directly to bills and food.

And I thank you! As do my parents as they are the ones currently picking up the slack. If I can lift some of the burdens by being paid to blog about BPD, that would be amazing.

I’m done trying to run ads. They are intrusive and irrelevant. But if I’m doing good and providing a service, then I feel it’s valid asking for tips.

The donations are in 3$ increments. The idea is it’s the equivalent of buying me a coffee, even if I don’t actually drink coffee anymore.

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So the Almighty Dark Lord Max, Ruler of All was summoned and I’ve agreed to do the thing. Cuz it’s an agreeable thing to do.

“TARA 4 BPD (Treatment and Research Advancements for Borderline Personality Disorder), is a not-for-profit organization that provides evidence-based facts to people with BPD, their loved ones, and mental health professionals. We offer a psychoeducation program for family members to reduce stigma and repair relationships. We help families realize that BPD behaviors are a way of coping with enormous emotional pain, not a manipulation tactic nor a means of getting attention. We teach families how to predict and prevent escalations, repair relationships and increase trust. We are currently engaged in Grassroots Research on BPD in order to call researchers’ attention to the experiences of children who eventually meet criteria for BPD.

Many family members feel helpless when a loved one self-injures, talks about suicide, or makes a suicide attempt. They panic, and their typical response it to call 911, take their loved one to the ER, etc. There is presently no data available that evaluates the experiences of people with BPD in the ER and in psychiatric hospitals. We want to know if going to the ER helped or harmed them.What was the emotional impact of being in the ER or a Psychiatric Hospital? How did they get there? By themselves, or did someone else bring them there?

We have developed a survey to evaluate the effectiveness of ER Interventions and/or hospitalization. We are asking for your help with distributing it by posting a link to the survey on your blog. This data will help us educate families on appropriate responses to harmful behaviors.”

Here is the link to the survey. I, myself, am going to take it. You should too! Research like this is extremely important.

Here is a link to their actual site if you want to check them out.

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Posted June 24, 2019 By kmarrs

Despite getting an iron infusion about a month ago, as of Friday, June 21 my hemoglobin is sitting as a 7.6. With the healthy range being 12-16, this means I’m trying to function with about half as much blood as I need to be a functional human being.

All things considered, I’m doing spectacularly at this.

I honestly thought that the brain fog and zero spoons (refresh yourself on spoon theory if needed, please) was because I’m trying to juggle school/work/family/and now a job hunt. (More on that last part later.)

Anyway. I clearly can’t stay at a 7.6 so I wasn’t surprised when I received a call from my hematologist’s office first thing this morning. I just didn’t know what the plan of action was.

Turns out I’m going in for a blood transfusion on Wednesday the 26th of June.

I’m actually super excited for this.

Which I guess might sound weird. Blood transfusions make people rightfully nervous. They aren’t standard protocol unless there is trauma and thus are associated with accidentals and disasters and other things that involve massive blood loss. So there is a stigma to them, is what I’m acknowledging.

However, this is not my first blood transfusion. It’s probably closer to my 5th. Though I don’t have an exact count.

Needing the occasional blood transfusion is just a fact of my life now.

Usually, I get iron infusions, which is just basically iron particles suspended in like a saline solution, that get sent straight to my bloodstream via IV. I get those every 3 months, or so. These force my bone marrow to make blood. But it seems the last one either didn’t work or there is something going on.

Possibly a bleed. My iron levels are great it’s just my hemoglobin that’s super low. So this indicates I’m bleeding somewhere. Which probably means more tests. Which I don’t have time for. So I’m super stressed about that.

Anyway, I’m writing this and posting this as it happens. I didn’t want to queue it. So this is fresh news. I’ll follow up next week, or so, with news about the job hunt.

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Self Worth

Posted June 17, 2019 By kmarrs

For so long now, my self worth has directly tied into my grades. I have an amazing GPA, I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude, this is what my value as a person is based on, in my eyes.

My therapist is working to convince me that this is not the best thing to measure my worth on.

She also went as far as to suggest that in grad school, I won’t continue to be a straight-A student; which I immediately took as a challenge. I will defy that or die trying.

Then when I shared that sentiment with my friends and family on Facebook, someone else pointed out that it’s not worth the die trying sentiment because literally, no one is going to care about my grades after I graduate.

So really, aside from being useful towards getting into grad school, grades don’t matter.

So then maybe this is why I shouldn’t base my self worth on them.

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