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My Samantha and her “Lou-Lou” have always had a unique relationship.  It is a step beyond your typical brother-sister relationship.  They are buddies, but it’s more than that.  It’s almost like a twin bond, but they are years apart and that still isn’t it.

A recent example of this is the recent discovery that when she wakes in the early morning light, but isn’t quite ready to face her day, she breaks out of her room (There is a baby gate up that she can get past easily but it’s there as a visible boundary that all children need.) and crawls into bed with him until the day begins.  Last night there was a fierce thunder-storm and I fully expected her to land into bed with me, but she didn’t.  So I went to check, and sure enough it was Luke’s bed she sought safe haven in.

 

I have always believed that we all have more than one soul mate.  Some are meant to be life-long lovers.  Some are meant to be life long friends.  Some are meant to come in like a force and leave just as fast, but having played an important life changing role in the eye of the storm of their coming and going.  I can name a few of mine, I assume I have more to come.

I have truly come to believe that my Lucas and Samantha are soul mates.  In a way, they way they act around each other it’s like they are in love, but in a strictly non-sexual way. (Come on, don’t go there.)  They just have this love and need for each other that is fierce and knows no ends.  They find comfort in each other when scared.  He protects her like it’s his sworn duty, not caring that mommy and daddy would be just as happy, nay honored, to protect her.  His patience with her is a patience my Lou-Lou is not well-known for.  She can get away with things their big brother could never dream of.  When he is in deep need of his personal space, and quiet not letting anyone in, there she is by his side.  She doesn’t seem to have to ask to be let in, she’s just in.  Sure, she may not know the worries of my troubled little boy, but she seems to know how to treat them.  Hell, maybe she does know.  They’ve shown signs of being able to read each other’ minds.  You jest, but we’ve made the hive mind joke more than once around here and it’s eerie at times.

I am curious to see how their relationship forms over the years as they mature, and it matures.  However I’m willing to bet it will only get stronger.  She may not always need to crawl into his bed when the midnight storms scare her, but I’m betting if she does need to, he’ll simply role over.  Then as they’re grown and separated by more than a hallway, well… I can honestly say that thought breaks my heart.

My Sambam and Lou-Lou are one of a kind.

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Legacy of Love

My name is Karen Marrs and I am a long time survivor of Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, General Depression, General Anxiety, and Life.

Suicide may be selfish, but for those who have felt that pain, it is hard to see it as such. Robin Williams spent his entire life fighting depression, mania, and addiction (addiction being one way of hiding from the pain of mania and depression). The degree to which he made all of us laugh, he was hurting inside. His humor was the best (addiction free) way he had to escape his pain, which in turn brought upon a mania that can be just as painful and dangerous. Robin Williams fought to get past his pain for 63 years and that is impressive. So please, instead of shaming the man who finally lost the battle against his demons, please let us thank him from our understanding hearts for fighting those demons for so long and for as well as he did. He made us laugh. He made us cry. And for that we are forever grateful. Please let that be this wonderful man’s legacy. Not the way he left us.
In his honor I would like to initiate the raising of funds to be donated to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.  Could they have saved his life?  I don’t know.  But I do know they work magic for thousands that need them.  With the pure heart Robin Williams had, please let his legacy be love.  Let’s make this donation in his name.  I’m asking for 2000$.  Pocket change if we all chip in a little.  Do you have a few dollars to spare to save a life and let the Robin’s legacy be one he deserves?
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I think everyone has those moments in their life that are on constant repeat even decades later where they are like, “Omg did I really say/do that?” In most cases, I think we blow them out of proportion and we feel this undying mortification or regret for things that we are, in fact, the only ones to remember.  We are, after all, our own biggest critics.

I do also think, however, that someone with BPD who is at their most unstable adds a whole new level to this.  Because while everyone says things that they wish they could take back, we are far more unfiltered and reach astounding heights in our ability to be uncensored, unaware of consequences, and incapable of impulse control.

There are things I have said and done, mostly inadvertently, that I just can’t help wonder if things could be different if they hadn’t been said or done.  The relationships I have destroyed that I held so dear, that I didn’t realize until it was far too late what was happening.  I was that far gone, that unaware of the situation, and that trusting that the other person would understand I was at my worst and didn’t have the skill set to really control my impulses, my thoughts and my situational awareness.  And clearly, that was misplaced trust.

And please don’t get me wrong in that.  The fault is my own.  Everyone realistically has their limits on what they can turn a blind eye to, and me at my worst can push past the limits of even the most patient of people.

I just…

While everyone reflects back on the time they put a foot in their mouth, and mostly with needless worry…

My regrets run deep.

And some wounds, I truly fear, will never heal.

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I know.  I don’t call.  I don’t write.  Yet here I am wanting to talk school?

Alright.  My duel major for my Bachelor’s in Business Administration and Applied Psychology are already in the works.

From there I was planning my Masters in Psychology.

But.  Out of the schools I’m looking at, most don’t even offer a masters in psychology.  Even if they do, you need a specific quantity of credit hours from your undergrad to be in psychology.  My current undergrads just aren’t going to cut it.

But a third Bachelor’s in general psychology would.

And I can get that at the local really good university I plan to get my Psy.D. at.  It’s one of the best schools for psychology in the country, even. (But they don’t offer a master’s in it.)

But then.

If I’m doing that, and I’m already planning to get the Psy.D. in the end, none of the school I prefer even offer a masters in Psychology, and you don’t need the masters for the doctorate, why am I trying for the masters?  How much debt do I want?  How many degree do I intend to collect?  (The answer is now and always will be: All of them.) (Did you know federal student loan debt gets discharged when you die?)(Guys!  If I’m a student until the day I die, at a very old age or of any other natural causes, I won’t ever have to pay my loans back!)(Just saying: I could be a professional student.)(I mean, it IS looking that way anyway.)(Gotta catch them all!)(It took me a decade to get to school, I’m never leaving!)(People that like, I don’t know, chase down to get money from people who actually do this, please know I’m joking.)(I intend to use my degrees.)

I’m still toying with the Masters in Business Psychology which is the follow-up to my B.S. Applied Psychology.

But if I do that I might as well just drop my B.A. in Business Admin.  I’ve always argued business is a great foundation to anything, but at this point, I’ll pay someone with a business degree if I actually have a private practice. (Plus I think I’m just holding on tight because in my decade long fight for school, this has been the planned degree.  But I’m in school, I’m pulling noting but A’s, and I’m in the National Society of Collegiate Scholars.  Fight is over.  I can let it go.  Please don’t start singing that song.)

So that means I’m looking at the following for my full degree set:

  • B.S. in Applied Psychology
  • B.A. in Psychology
  • M.S. in Business Psychology
  • Psy.D. in Psychology

Then possibly med school which would involve pre-med and then the M.D.  It would have its advantages but it also time-consuming, expensive, and involves cutting open/up dead bodies.  We’ll see.

This makes sense?  I mean, I can always change my mind as I go, as long as I’m not mid degree.  Right?

Wait, I did tell you all I got invited to join the National Society of Collegiate Scholars, right?  I accepted.

 

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To whomever is trying to break into my wordpress account,

Look, you’re either going to have to figure out my password, or give up.  Simply trying to request or change it won’t work.  The request to change is tied to my email and my email is fairly secure.  So unless you track me down, mug me and steal my phone, you can’t get into my email.  And no, the email that shows in my wordpress profile, is not the actual email that’s tied to my sign in.  So you don’t actually even know what email address you need to break into.  But keep trying, I have unlimited text messaging.

Really, all you’re accomplishing is that you’re alerting me to your presence and telling me I need to keep an eye on things.  Oh.  And you’re giving me a much needed chuckle.  So thanks.  Really.

 

Sincerely,

Someone who wasn’t born yesterday

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I’m sorry I don’t write anymore.  I’m just waiting for the day where my days aren’t measured by the spoonful.  I’m waiting to find the words to explain what the hell is happening to me.  I’m not doing ok, but I’ll live through it.

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