BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

Snail Tank

Posted July 26, 2016 By kmarrs

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Posted July 21, 2016 By kmarrs

I was officially diagnosed schizotypal last week.  As ever I’m still in control of, uh, “them”.  I don’t technically see or hear anything.  I know it’s not real.  It’s also not going into my chart.  That my doctor looking out for me.  There is a hell of a lot of stigma that can of worms causes and for no real purpose.  I’m high functioning in these regards.  It’s not one of the reasons I’m disabled.  If anything it’s always been a coping mechanism.  If I lose control of it, or if it turns into full blow schizophrenia, then it’ll need to go into my charts.  In the meantime I have imaginary friends and a whole fantasy world built up in my head.  My doctor knows about it.  Has known about it.  Every now and then it comes up.  It’s been officially diagnosed, mostly so I could officially call it what I’ve been calling it for years.  It’s like the one thing that’s remained constant.

As for schizophrenia, in women it can present as late as into the 30’s but typically it presents itself by now.  I’m not showing any signs.  So it’s not impossible and it does run in the family, but it’s not a real worry.  I know the difference between real and make believe, even if make believe makes my days a little easier.

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Posted July 19, 2016 By kmarrs
Cinnamon 2 months old

Cinnamon 2 months old

Friday afternoon we put our beloved Cinnamon into the ground. She was not quite a year and a half when she took ill suddenly. We planned to take her to the vet Friday morning. We were just waiting for me to have the day off and a pay check, but we lost her Thursday afternoon. That’s… That’s all I really want to say about it.

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Happy Birthday Sweet *cough* Thirteen

Posted July 7, 2016 By kmarrs

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Don’t believe me?  I have a copy of the US Constitution sitting right here.  It does mention guns, but certainly not assault weapons of that caliber.  Oh wait, they didn’t have assault weapons of that caliber back then.  Back when our founding fathers were giving you the right to own a gun they used the musket and its attached bayonet, the rifle, and the pistol.  Now, muskets, of the three, were faster than the rifle to load, and about as fast as the pistol, but I don’t have the exact numbers on the pistol, so we’ll go with the generous numbers of the musket.  Muskets could be fired as fast as every 15 seconds, or 45 shots per minute.  The AR-15 shoots 25 rounds in 2.5 seconds.  Then you have to reload, which takes, I don’t know a minute or two, depends on if you’re going into this super prepared or not, and then another 25 rounds in 2.5 seconds.  Without calculating reloading, that’s 600 rounds per minute.  That technology… do you think the founding fathers were nodding yes to that when they gave us the right to own guns?  If they had the weaponry back then that we have today, they would have started with gun control.  But 200 years ago people weren’t taking 600 rounds a minute into schools and taverns with the intent of causing harm for the sake of causing harm.  Because that’s what this is about.  This isn’t about taking your hunting rifle away from you.  This isn’t even about taking your pistol away from you.  This is about taking deadly massive shooting assault weapons out of the hand of the general public.  Because owning an AR-15 Assault Rifle isn’t a civil right.




There is also a conversation to be had about who should be allowed to own guns but frankly, I’m to heart sick for it.  I will say this, though.  If access to mental health care was as easy as access to guns in the US, this might have been a happier month.

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Medication Update

Posted June 23, 2016 By kmarrs

It’s been a little bit since I’ve posted a comprehensive list of what I take and why, so here it is.

Lorazepam – Ativan – 1 Mg – 1-2 a day as needed – This is my anti anxiety. I only really take one a day unless something is going on. I like having the option to take 2 in a day when I need to, but I mostly like not having to get it filled every month. This is one of those controlled substances where you have to get a new script every time, no refills, or at least that’s how my doc runs it. It’s really easy to get addicted to it and abuse it. So I respect the no refills rule. I makes her pay close attention to how quickly patients are running through their scripts. She knows I mostly only ever take it at night but that I like the option of one in the morning when needed. It’s agreeable. So it’s all good.

Pristiq ER- 100 MG 1 per day – This is my anti-depressant. It also helps with fibro but it by no means cures my fibro. It just helps cut the bad days down some. I’m on a second medication for fibro you’ll see. Pristiq is primarily for my depression. Helping with fibro is a happy accident.

Ziprasidone – Geodon – 100MG -1 Per day – This is my anti psychotic. It’s also one big reason I’m almost 300 pounds. I have to diet to maintain weight and stress has me not dieting as much. Geodon makes you crave carbs. I am working on more lean meats, fruits, and veggies. I’m working on quality, if not quantity. But oh how I crave the carbs while on this. It’s soul crushing. It’s so super hard and depressing to be big and no all I have to do is go off this essential medication. But instead I go for walks and tell myself my size doesn’t matter as long as I make healthy choices.

Omeprazole DR – Prilosec – 40MG – 1 per day – This is for my acid reflux. I figured since it’s part of the handful of pills I take every night, I’d list it. Also, as simple as this pill may be, it really improves my quality of life as much as any of the mental health meds.

Gabapentin – Neurontin -100MG – 3 times a day – This med is an anti seizure med also used to treat nerve pain, so it is my fibro med. I’m suppose to take 1 pill 3 times a day, but I made it clear that I will never remember to do that, despite all my good intentions, so I actually take all three at once with her approval. This too will cause me to gain weight which is super fun so I’m super excited about that. But to be pain free…

Topiramate – Topimax – 25MG – 2 per day – Officially this is used to prevent migraines. Unofficially, off label is used to counter the effects of Geodon weight gain. It might actually help me lose weight. Or it’s pseudoscience, but at least I’ll have fewer headaches.

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