The Present Looking Into The Future Archive

BPD and the Black Hole of Despair

Posted June 29, 2015 By kmarrs

I am going out of my mind with this feeling that I’m just drifting off into space, oblivion, or maybe just coasting along.  I don’t know.  I’m just kind of existing.  I don’t think I’m overly sad, though I am depressed.  That’s a fun one.  I mean, unless you’ve ever suffered clinic depression, it makes no sense.  But it’s a true fact:  You can be sad, but not be depressed, and you can be depressed and not be sad.  Depression isn’t a gauge of how sad you are, even if you are in fact both depressed and sad.

Depression is really this state of being where you’re, I don’t know, feeling less than.  Less than, anything and/or everything.  I currently feel less than a person.

It doesn’t help that my day-to-day doesn’t change from one day to the next.  All my days run together and aside from the occasional appointment, I don’t even have need to know what day of the week it is.  And it’s driving me out of my mind, really.  I am a human being who hates pressure, but still thrives under structure.  There is no structure to anything right now.  None.

My biggest thing I need to get back to is school and I know that.  I needed winter off, I was drowning in life.  The stress was beyond anything I’ve ever experienced just 4 short months ago.

I needed to take the summer off, because if my sister hadn’t received her new liver a few weeks back, we would have buried her by now.  I was hoping for the best, but ready for the worst.  I also would have started the term with my sister on her death-bed no matter what.  It ended well, but it ended well at the last possible minute.

So I go back this fall and I’m so ready for fall to be now.  I’m actually excited about it.  I get to learn again!  I’m going to start where I left off and delve into economics, only this time I’m going to take it in a classroom.  It involves math and therefore follows the math rule: Never try to teach yourself math.  i don’t care how helpful the text-book might be.  Math is just one of those classes that needs the benefit of an instructor walking you through step by step.  Economics is no exception.

As an added bonus, taking it in a classroom will mean I’m out of the house once a week!  Go team! I’m going to burn this place to the ground if I don’t start getting out more!  Only not really,because I’m a pyrophobe and I have like 500 books that I don’t intend to lose.

So I’m anxiously awaiting the day I can register (July 6th).   I’m anxiously awaiting the first day of term (August 17th).

In the meantime, I’m just drifting and it’s soul crushing.

Dear God someone pull me out of this hole!

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Literary Time Travel

Posted May 15, 2015 By kmarrs

old_book_clip_art_20190This was due yesterday, which I thought was today, meaning I should have written this two days ago.  Though I couldn’t have because what I’m going to write about happened today for me, yesterday for you.

I blame the hormone imbalance of having started my period, but I’ve decided self publishing is way too easy as far as publishing itself goes, but horrid for any possible publicity.  So I’ve gone crazy-er and have decided to do this the old-fashioned, books smell pretty, way.  Of course I didn’t know exactly how one does this.  I still don’t.  But I do now know that the first step is to get a literary agent.  I basically need to convince them that my book is a great investment so that they can convince a publisher that my book is a great investment and then POOF published.  There is some magic in there.  And preying.

I’ve sent my Letter of Query, synopsis, a few chapters, and an author bio out to 10 different agents.  I have a list of many more I can try later.  However, I think I’m going to wait til I get these first 10 responses, see what they say, tweak my letter/synopsis/chapters/bio some, and then send to 10 new.

If all else fails I’ll look up the agents behind Twilight and 50 Shades.  I mean, come on.  If they can get published…

No.  That’s mean.  I mean they sold like crazy for their target market and made their agents very rich.

Who am I to knock that as a writer?

Now as a reader…

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The BPD Mountain of Stress

Posted March 16, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and stressRemember that mountain I was climbing? The top was recovery?  The bottom was the hospital?  Well, I landed on the roof of the hospital not too long after the post went live.  And god I wanted in those doors.  I wanted admitted.  I wanted to feel safe again.  But, we couldn’t really afford it.

I was, however, given the green light to drop classes this semester.  It increased the stress over money, (Care to donate?  The button is to the right.  It’ll go to things like electric and gas.) but the stress over trying to pull off school was actually worse.  I was so stressed I was losing my ability to concentrate and function as a human being.  And I just couldn’t advance my education through that.

Am I dropped out for good? Hell no! But for sure the rest of winter semester and maybe summer semester as well.  I’ll have to pay back on my loans some, but if David, the Brother-in-law that lives with us, gets the job he’s talking about, that will still be less stressful than trying to focus on my education.

So I’ll take something like nine months off, including what I’ve already taken, which will be spent bettering my medication cocktail, spending time with my sister and seeing if she’ll survive this failing liver issue, and rebuilding a friendship I thought I had lost.  Hell, maybe it is lost for good, I don’t know.  I’ve been told something will be figured out, but we’ll see.  If I do have that friendship back, however, I’ll have an essential part of my personal support system back in place.  So we’ll see.  If he is loss, then I will have mourned and healed by then.

Altogether,  come August or September, I plan to be ready to reenter the academic world, ready to take names, kick ass, and keep my GPA where it’s at.  I do love learning and school, even if it is stressful at times.  It just needs to be about the only major stressor.

Which is good, as I might owe the school a couple thousand due to the timing of me dropping.  That part is still being worked out.  Ideally they will let me pay it back with future loan money.  Or a payment plan, or it will be forgiven.  Who knows.  It’ll be decided.

My academic advisor knows the full situation and knows this isn’t me being lazy but my life exploding in my face, on top of my debilitating mental health issues.  He also has access to the grades I’ve pulled off.  So he is going to work with financial aid for me, and they will come to a solution.  So I’m choosing to not worry about it.  Even a payment plan is less stressful than what I was going through just a few days ago.

The ugly cry automatically triggered by going to the school site, was a clear sign that is was time to give up pretending I could school.  So was the cutting.

So now, I’m not without stress, but I removed what I could, so I can better focus on healing from what I can’t.

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Borderline Personality DIsorder and Trouble with FinancesAs an alternative to the below, I would like to offer up front the following: text or image ads placed in prominent positions on this blog, for reasonable prices.  I do have a link across the top discussing advertising rates.  I’m desperate enough that I’m willing to negotiate them.  Please take a look!  Walking the Borderline gets an average of 2,000 unique pageviews a month, even with the decrease in my writing, which I’m working on increasing.  I have a few SEO hot posts that really pull in the new traffic.  Then of course, I have a smaller (than 2k anyway), but very loyal following.  So it will be worth the money.  A text ad with me, for example, will run you 50$ for the month (and let’s be honest here, I’ll forget to take it down at month’s end and won’t charge you more than the 50 based off my memory flaws).  TheBloggess?  She’ll, rightfully, charge you twice that.  Ok.  So that being said, let’s get to the main post.  Because I’m all sorts of desperate.

We are so horribly screwed for money right now that it’s reached the point of scary. There are three adults who live here, with 4 combined sources of income, but all 4 are fixed. Two of the sources cover the monthly rent basically perfectly, with enough left over for toilet paper. One of those sources was reduced due to its recipient working like crazy in November and December to try to catch us up on bills. It mostly worked, so as of December we were on track. However, because of that his monthly check for being severely mentally disabled was cut in half. Leaving us about $50 short to cover the rent that we normally never have to worry about. Not to mention the other couple hundred that covered toilet paper, dish/laundry detergent, etc. The other two sources of income is school money. We found out way after the fact that one of the two incomes there that will normally appear at the beginning of the semester, will be up to a month and a half late, due to the student being new. They need to be sure he attends classes before they send him the money that covers bills. My check never was going to show up until mid semester, but that wasn’t going to matter because the other check was going to cover all of January and February’s bills. We have disconnect notices for, well, everything for the first time in almost a decade. Turning off the cable would be a simple solution, except both students rely on it for school. In my case as all my classes are online, that’s a 100% reliance. And as we are in a 1 year contract, we can’t simply cut back on that. We are getting 300$ worth of services for around 100$ and while we could live without the tv for a while, removing it breaks the contract. Good deal or not, you can’t break the contract. So all this is to say that while 2 sources of income from school are coming in February and March, we are so far behind despite cutting back on everything, that by the time it shows up most everything will be disconnected, and we’ll be paying this month’s bill in March, and will still probably be behind.

We are doing the best we can. We brought Pat’s brother in with us to help him and so he could help us finance wise. The three adults couldn’t afford 2 households but joined, once we’re finally caught up, we’ll be able to afford 1. Paying off this damn car with the tax return will be a huge help. We’d get rid of it but we’d just have to turn around and figure out a cheaper, but most likely less reliable, car. This car has us in the hole, but it is reliable as hell so far. Pat is planning a small, 20 hr/week job in the evenings once school is out. With school in session it isn’t an option, for long and complicated reasons involving the fact he needs the car to deliver pizzas. I’d get a job but everyone family and doctors included agree that is NOT an option right now. In my mental state I can barely handle the stress of school, much less school and work. Choosing to do just one between the two, going crazy and messing up is best saved for my grades, and not a company. Like I said, I’m not handling stress at the moment. In addition, my fibro, depression, and meds have me highly unreliable for being awake at any given time. And it isn’t a simple case of being “sleepy”. No. I mean passing out at 9PM and still being exhausted like I didn’t sleep at 8AM. Sleepy is cute and cuddly. Exhausted is scary and stabs people. There is a cartoon showing the difference someone, if you need to visualize the difference. So clearly, work is not an option for me. I tried for disability myself, but was denied because “there was no way of knowing if I’d be depressed for a full year or longer”. Yeah. I’m going to get a doctor, get my fibro treated, then try for disability again for both the depression and the BPD and the fibro. Won’t hurt to try. I’ve been out of work a full year now.
I’m still rambling. I’m so sorry. I should get to my point. In 12 years of marriage, Pat and I have never been this financially screwed. We are about to lose everything. If you have anything you can offer to help I need paid for my work here.   My blog has a donate button (towards the top right of the page) and it would be appreciated beyond what words can express. I hate asking this. This… it’s very humbling and humiliating.

If you can’t help, I so deeply understand. Please just know I do truly get it. I understand broke on an intimate level. I understand financial obligations and I understand the wish to give does not suddenly create the ability to give. But if you can help, please click the donate button. It’ll let you donate any amount you have to offer.

Oh!  I also have a zazzle Store!  You can buy fancy swag over there!  No joke.  It gives me some (small) income.  But right now literally every penny counts.

 

There is some really weird stuff up at the store. (I have a sub store dedicated to wanting to nom on babies and another perfect for any “Sam” in your life.) There is some really awesome stuff as well! Please take a second to browse and see if anything catches your eye? You get neat swag, I get kleenex or shampoo. I will also make custom requests, though so can you if you give it a try, but I already know the ins and outs of the program and have time needed to design you stuff. *wiggles eyebrows*

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Dreams

Posted January 8, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Hopes and DreamsIf I ever really make it in my profession (not rich, but a few steps beyond comfortable) I want to buy a big parcel of land out where I’m at now.

I want it to have previously been a farm so that there is already a barn I can use to board other people’s horses for cheep or free, depending on the labor they are willing to offer (you clean up after your horse so that I don’t have to and keep them fed, you can board free). The snuggles I give the horses are, of course, free with boarding.

I’ll also have a chicken coop with just enough chickens to be sure I never have to buy eggs, but not so many that I don’t know what to do with them.

I want a rabbit hutch for my kids because they all want rabbits and Pat says no, but if I buy this damn farm he won’t have a choice.

I want a duck/koi pond.

Oh; and I’ll have a dozen barn cats. I’d neuter/spay them all, but will keep food down so whatever new cats want to show up… well… the more the merrier.

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2015

Posted January 1, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPDAfter the past few years I fully give up on having “this year will certainly be better” expectations.  So really, I’m just going to take it as it come and do as I must.

Also, I don’t really believe in New Years Resolutions.  Other than maybe “survive the next 365 days”.  Most resolutions are life changing things and generally speaking, people try to carry out more than one at the same time, and usually with little plan.  So yes, as great as “Eat healthy, exercise more, and stop smoking/drinking/doing drugs/sleeping around/whatever” sounds, chances are…

But, I’m not opposed to goals.  So:

  • I have a reading list I’d like to accomplish
  • I want to take my summer trimester off
  • Keep doing the best I can in school
  • Get back to the art museum sometime soon
  • Get to the planetarium at COSI
  • Remember that this blog exists on occasion
  • Stop dating things Month, Day, 2014 by the end of January.

See?  Just little goals to make my year the best it can be.

 

Do you have goals?  Resolutions?  Survival plans?  Please feel free to share them in the comments!

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