The Physical Ailments Archive

The Walking the Borderline Weekender

Posted April 4, 2015 By kmarrs

Walking the Borderline Blog BPD Borderline Personality Disorder
I’m sitting here at 2AM on what is technically Saturday morning and my guaranteed weekly post is due to go live in 11 hours and I’ve got nothing.

Oh, I suppose I’ve got something but I spent 6 hours in the emergency room with my Lou-Lou Bear who had his first migraine headache today and it was a doosey. He’s ok. He’s sleeping now and has been for the past couple hours since he got home.

Meanwhile, I’m honestly not sure how I’m still awake. I think it’s just sheer acknowledgment that making it to bed requires energy I don’t currently have.

So this is my weekender. A tired sign-off for the week. A wishing of a happy holiday if you celebrate anything this particular time of year. A promise that I will figure out what I’m writing about this week between now and Tuesday. And finally, a promise I’m going to bed now.

Hope your week was bright, all. I promise mine could have been worse and I’m hanging in there.

Also: Happy birthday to my baby sister who made it to 28. May she make it to 29 and beyond.

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My Little Sister

Posted February 28, 2015 By kmarrs

Liver failure blog bpd borderline personality disorder
I have made mention on here before of how my sister’s liver is basically failing and she became severely ill over the summer and through the fall of 2014.  I have gone back and forward with myself over what details I might offer on that situation.  It isn’t my life and isn’t my story.  However, she’s the only sister I have.

So let me back up about 20 years to tell the full story of a sisterhood in trouble.

Growing up and especially during our teenaged years we did not exactly get along.  We actually fought rather viciously.  There are so many things that could be blamed here, but aside from accepting my share of it, I’m not going to point fingers, name names, and list events.  It is suffice to say we were terrible sisters.

As young adults and well into my 20’s we never fought like we did, but we still picked at each other.  Basically, we didn’t necessarily like each other.  It was somewhere between Loki and Thor, and civil.  I mean I’d totes steal a battleship for her.  She’d totes follow me to another planet to bring justice for my crimes and make amends.  You know.  Only technically by age I’d be Thor.  Whatever.  You get the point perhaps.

Then a few years back one of us, I think her, decided that really we needed to grow up and be sisters, dammit.  We needed to make an effort to know each other as adults and get along for everyone’s sake.  We needed to attempt friendship.  And you know, we did, but you couldn’t call us close, even if we were friends.

Then in the summer of 2014 she came a little too close to death at the hands of the disease called alcoholism.  I’m not going into this too much as this is her story, but she was (is) an alcoholic and her liver was (is) failing.  As we all know alcoholism is a disease and not a choice, so fighting it was hard and took a couple attempts.  As well as a second, longer stay at the hospital when she came closer to death.  That was just over 5 months ago.  I know this as she is now proudly just over 5 months sober.  (She also quit smoking, you go girl, you fucking rock!)

Well, becoming sober and finding recovery was a huge help, but medically not enough.  She of course needed treatment for her failing liver.  They did all that could be done and sent her home with medications and steroids to continue with and awaited to see how much her liver would heal.  The answer was decidedly not enough.  So, my sister officially needs a transplant.  There are no further treatment options aside from this.  As she is 5 months sober and has not touched a drop since before that 5 month mark, getting a transplant is seriously doable.

Except her urine sample keeps showing alcohol use, despite her blood not.  They don’t necessarily assume secret drinking, but they can’t give her the transplant under those conditions.

Here is the deal.  Pick up any sort of hygiene product.  Check the ingredient list.  I bet alcohol is in it.  Including hand sanitizer (duh) but also things like toothpaste and deodorant in small, trace amounts.  Trace amounts that your skin soaks in and your liver gets rid of with no problem at all.  Won’t even show up in your pee.  Unless your liver really is that bad.  That close to total failure.  That’s how it shows up in your pee, but not your blood.

So she can’t be on the list, but she can fight to be reconsidered.  They aren’t just going to let her die without a fight.

She will be called up randomly and will have 24 hours to get herself to a specific medical lab where she will produce a specimen on the spot.  Think random drug test, only random alcohol test.  At first I think it’ll just be urine, but probably blood too at some point if needed.  That way if she is constantly and randomly showing she’s sober via her blood, even if her urine isn’t, she can prove her sobriety and they’ll either figure out what’s going on with her liver or just acknowledge it’s failing.  Either way she’s sober.

Additionally she is now a label reading champ and hopefully there will be nothing in her beauty, health, and food lineup that has alcohol in it.  It is hard because if that juice in your fridge is just the slightest bit fermented, you won’t notice and your liver will sort it out without issue.  Well, my sister also won’t notice, but her liver won’t sort it out at all.  So she also has to watch every bite she eats, as so much food has trace amounts.  Like certain food dyes and certain flavors of greek yogurt.

Needless to say this is a hard battle but my baby sister has a great team around her helping her fight it both in her family, her medical team, but also her big sister.

We are closer than ever.  Even have matching infinity “sister” necklaces should the world question.  I tell you there is nothing in the world like almost losing your baby sister before she even turns 30, to scare you into the relationship you should have had all along.  I’ve always loved her, but now I openly adore her. (Crap.  I’m crying again.  I do that these days.  About everything.)

Loki and Thor sure as hell don’t have that.

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blog borderline personality disorder

Fishy Kisses!

 

 

Wait.

Hold up.

You were expecting something more,
I don’t know,
presentable?

Frame worthy?

Mature?

Worthy of the title sexy?

Fine.

Whatever.

I guess I have that too.

 


blog borderline personality disorder

Better?
I really am enjoy 20/15 vision. Though now I can see well enough to understand my mother’s critique of my cleaning. So there is that. One of these days I might even have the energy to care enough to do something about it. That day is not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Can I just say, I did a lot more coding on this damn post than I normally do and it was a rude awakening as to how long it’s been since I’ve really messed with html?

And then making the image with the 7 photos into 1 cohesive image? Don’t let me bitch about that one, though. It was a mathematical blast. I’m being serious there. <3<3<3<3<3 Karen + Math = 4ever <3<3<3<3<3

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Hold Up! We Have A Badass On Our Hands!

Posted February 10, 2015 By kmarrs

So my darling 3yo Sambam spends most of her afternoons surrounded by 6 older boys, not just her brothers. To say things get rough and tumble around here is like saying water is wet. To give all 6 boys credit though, they seem to recognize my little girl as a delicate sacred flower to be preserved at all costs. It helps that they’ve all met her very protective daddy.  Plus they all openly adore her, even her brothers.

Yet this delicate flower put them all to shame when she managed to get 4 stitches in her lower lip Wednesday night, 1 inside and 3 outside, without shedding a tear.

See she was copying the older boy’s game, only without the gross motor skills and judgment they have, and ended up essentially back flipping the side of her head into the coffee table and literally bit through her lower lip in the process.  And this isn’t one of those ironic uses of the word literally where they actually mean figuratively.  Teeth met teeth and lip was between.  Or would have been if she hadn’t bit through.

Of course, after the initial “oh shit what just happened” wore off she screamed bloody (again literally… my GOD the blood) murder from the moment I swooped her up til about half way to the ER.  Once there she turned on her charm and initiated playing wingman for her uncle David, who was set on trying to find a nurse for his own needs and personal care.  She basically beamed a holy grin and waved at every nurse and doctor that passed, and a fuss is made of her even when her grin isn’t bloody.

When the time came, they put numbing cream on her lip for a good 20 minutes while she and I discussed how sometimes her lovies get boo boos and Grandma stitches them up.  Well Sambam had a boo boo just like that and the doctor was going to stitch her up.  She nodded in understanding.  Then the doctor came back and had her lie down flat.  I told Sambam to just relax and close her eyes. I took one hand and David by my side, noting the hot female doctor’s wedding band, took her other hand, and Sambam received her stitches like a champ!

So she may be a flower, but if so she’s a daylily.  Which is oddly appropriate as a mixture of red and blonde.

bpd and parenting
bpd and parenting
bpd and parenting

The first two are before stitches, from the ER waiting room, where she was fascinated with the hole in her lip.

This kid. I tell you.

Bad. Ass.

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The Year of the Doctor

Posted January 23, 2015 By kmarrs

Taking care of health is important if you have Borderline Personality DisorderYar!  I promised thee a blog post!

Alright this is apparently the year where I celebrate having insurance again by being a responsible adult that takes care of her physical well-being.  Parts of this are easy, and other part not so much.  Also imbedded within these words will be an update as to my mental health and the meds I’m now taking.  So way to be relevant to the blog topic, self!  *pats self on back*

So, topics to cover:

  • Head
  • Shoulders
  • Knees
  • Toes
  • Eyes
  • Ears
  • Mouth
  • Nose
  • Lady Parts

Maybe not in the order, huh?

EYES: A major “yay!” and a slight “WTF MATE!” included!

So all 5 of my clan went to the eye doctor this week.  The husband, oldest and I have all worn classes since we were each respectively 7 or 8 years old.  So for us it was just a yearly check in.  Nothing of note for Pat or Thomas, other than Thomas has my eyes in more than just color.  (Did you know that it’s been proven that the more you read, the more near-sighted you become?  Explains why I’m damn near blind.)

I, of course, need new glasses as well only… So apparently based off their previous records on me, my current prescription, and what the script in my current glasses read to be, the last place to examine eyes and get my lenses really messed up their readings *coughWALMARTcough*.  What’s the most fucked up about that is that the year I got those glasses was the only year I’ve ever had insurance through work and Wal-Mart was basically the only place that took that insurance and my mom still had to pay through the nose for me to get these glasses and apparently the royally messed up. That or my eyes magically got better by a lot and then tragically got a little worse than they had been the year or two prior.  So, really?  Every other year the government has paid for my glasses, which I no longer feel guilty about because I’ve gotten a better doctor and better glasses that I need to see because I’m going blind.  Anyway I’m back to one of my 2 old eye doctors (I flipped between them based on location and who could get me in without a 15 month wait) and they have always run consistent to one another.  So I know where I’m staying here on out.  Also?  She got me to 20/15 which she apparently can never accomplish in people with eye-sight as bad as mine and I can confirm has not happened in a really, really long time.  I’m so excited for those glasses to come in!  I’ll read all the things!  ALL OF THEM! *cough*

Lucas, who turns 7 today *sob* will be getting his first pair of glasses, and while we aren’t surprised he needs them, we are surprised just how bad his eyes are at his age.  When Thomas first got glasses he could take them off to play.  Not Luke.  I think this kid is about to see a whole new world!  Also; he won’t sit with his nose glued to the TV while watching anymore.

Sammy, who also sits nose to TV, has been confirmed to do so because she is 3.  The good doc did detect she isn’t exactly 20/20, but it’s a small degree of vision imperfection and usually not worth trying to convince a 3yo to take care of glasses over, unless there are other signs of trouble. (There aren’t.)  So while Sammy will indeed be wearing glasses in the future, she isn’t there yet.  Which is good.  It’s inevitable with the poor girl’s genetics, but I really am not up to that battle.

Lady Parts:

I’ll spare you details.  However, let me say that while I am two years out of sync on what should be a yearly appointment due to first no insurance, and then a chaotic uprising, I’m back on track here and scheduled for my yearly.  Also: When was your last well check here?  Guys, I know most/all of us are falling apart in so many ways, but this appointment is so important and can not be skipped.  These doctors look for some scary stuff.  Especially scary if left untreated.  So please, if you are behind, pick up the phone and schedule now.  No insurance?  Planned Parenthood takes care of so much of this as well, for I believe decent prices.  It varies by location; ask.

HEAD:

I’m doing mostly ok in the mental health department, but this is with the help of a dozen pills a day.  Since getting back in, I have been seeing my meds doctor regularly. Then, despite a few month blip where I had to cancel due to a funeral, and then not making it back in for a bit, I am back to seeing my therapist every couple of weeks.  I actually had a meds appointment today, which is why I owed you this blog post and didn’t write it on the spot, and we had a discussion on the current main symptom, which I’ll get to in a second.  First we’ll discuss the pill regiment up until today’s addition.

First, I’m on Cymbalta 60mg every morning.  It’s my go-to anti-depressant and I actually look forward to taking it when I start to fall apart.  Oh, it kills my sex drive and makes me fat, but it is also the best I’ve found at making me feel stable, without the robotic after taste.

I take 300mg of Trileptal every AM and 600 in the PM.  It is the mood stabilizer that has always been good to me.  Again, no robotic after taste.  As an added bonus, it doesn’t want to kill me like Lamictal does. (Can you imagine death by rash?)

New for me is my twice a day 1mg of Ativan.  This is a fairly low dose (higher than the 1mg part implies) that doesn’t take away all my stress and anxiety, but it takes away the physical tics it brings.  A higher dose that kills the anxiety does things to me (man).  But as my anxiety tends to make my skin crawl and other just not fun things, I’m on a high enough of a dose to prevent that crap.  As an added bonus: for the first time in about 7 years, not only do I have hair but it’s past my shoulders now!

So today I went in with the intent on talking about my rage.  Sure enough, when the other symptoms are under control, I become a raging beast.  I’m not psychical or violent, but I’m loud and can use hurtful words.  I think we all know first hand that words can hurt just as much, if not more, than violence and actions.  So after brief discussion, per my request I start back on Geodon tomorrow.  Oh, antipsychotics aren’t a joy to be on, but I’ve been on/off them enough to know the pros and cons of either side of that decision and I’m looking forward to feeling more like Dr Jekyll, and less like Mr Hyde again.  (More Banner, less HULK?)  Even if it does mean I’m going to eat every carb in sight and pack on another 20 pounds.

KNEES?:

Speaking of packing on another 20 pounds, I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been and I don’t like it!  It’s like over the past 3 months I have just packed it on!  Well, with the Holidays behind me, I’m fixing that, dammit.  I wouldn’t say I’ve given up pop, but I’ve cut way down and am working on drinking a lot more water.  I’m eating less pasta and more rice.  I’m doing my best to be more physically active, but I’m writing this a week after buying my first cane (knees!), so there is that.  Nevertheless I don’t need the cane everyday, so on my good days I’m going to go out and walk/run the neighborhood like I swore to when we first moved in (and then life fell to shit around me).  I won’t ever be society’s idea of skinny, but that’s ok.  I just want to be happy with my body within my own ideals of attractive, and I’m not.  I also want to fit all my clothes again, and I don’t.

MOUTH:

Ugh.  I can’t even… It took us something like 8 years to find a dentist that both took our insurance and was someone we were willing to go back to.  I tell you, there are a lot of bad dentists in the world.  It’s even worse than regular General Practitioners.  We finally fund one just to have him close down his business in the past year (had to go back home due his mom’s failing health).  I don’t even care that he was in the opposite side of town.  I would have made the drive.  Now I’m back to square one and we are all well over-due for a visit.  I seriously… Why is this so hard?  I mean, I can tell horror stories.  I really liked the dentist that we finally found too.

NOSE:

Speaking of general practitioners… I need one of these even more than I need a dentist but I’m seriously dragging heels about this.  Frankly, most just don’t know how to help me or are scared of me.  How my Borderline Personality Disorder scares a way a doctor that won’t even be treating it as I have a great mental health team, is beyond me.  I literally could scream.  Dear Doctor, if you want to be frightened away by a condition, at least let it be the fact you aren’t competent in treating fibromyalgia.  Oh, about that.  Mind you, I’ve only had one doctor ever even realize I suffer from fibro, so that is annoying in itself.  But now that it’s finally on record, I’m opening with that.  However, the reason I’m not going back to that doctor, besides the fact he’s terrified of my mental health that he isn’t treating, is that he was constantly wanting to treat the fibro with meds I was already on for the mental health or meds I had been on for it.  First off, and yes this does give you some leeway to be scared of the BPD monster, you can’t just throw a mental health pill at a mental health patient, without considering the repercussions.  Also, if I was on a pill for years for my mental health and it never ever helped my fibro, why would it suddenly magically make my fibro better now?  Ok, I’ll humor you.  Oh look, I’m suddenly suicidal because misuse of antidepressants can do that, ironically.  Alright, fine.  Maybe his fear of my mental health WAS valid.  But only because he was a moron.  And he isn’t even the doctor that I walked out on, or the one who put me on blood pressure meds to treat the wrong kind of headache, and then claimed he was 150% sure that the meds weren’t what caused me to gain 20 pounds suddenly over a 2 month span despite me doing everything else right. (True fact: In a study of whether or not blood pressure meds cause weight gain, what he put me on was called out by name to cause rapid and massive weight gain.  Yet he was 150% positive that those meds don’t cause weight gain and in fact tried to pin it on the fact I just had a baby.  This was about 6 months AFTER giving birth.)  So needless to say I’m a little skeptical about the medical profession and not looking forward to having to find yet another new doctor.  However, the husband is insisting and it would be nice to have someone to see should I have a general illness, and should he actually know how to treat my fibro, and not be scared by the BPD monster… well, I’m not holding my breath.

Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes

Bleh

 

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A Klutz With Fibromyalgia

Posted March 28, 2014 By kmarrs

Broken wrists and FibromyalgiaER Doctor: So what did you do to your wrist?
Me:I tripped over a kid, not my own, and braced my fall with it.
Dr: Ow!  And you did this today (Late Thursday)?
Me: No… Sunday afternoon.
Dr: And you’re just coming in?
Me: Well, I’m a klutz with fibromyalgia.  If I came in every time something hurt, I’d never leave!
Dr: *chuckling* Well, it’s good you know this about yourself.  We have plenty of repeats who don’t.
Me: Exactly.  I figured I had just sprained or strained it as usual, stabilized it, and have taken Ibuprofen for pain and swelling.  But 4 days later it’s getting worse and not better so I figured now it’s time to make sure I’m not being stupid.
Dr: Makes sense.  Alright, let’s get some x-rays.

30 minutes, if that, passes

Dr: Alright you have a hairline fracture about here. *points to where thumb meets wrist* I’m going to wrap it for you and refer you to an ortho for follow-up to see if you need an actual cast.

And scene

Ah yes. Fibromyalgia: Where you can fracture a bone in your hand and just live with it for 4 days before getting it checked because you’ve had worse pain so how bad can this be.

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