School Archive

I am.

I don’t know what I am, but I am.

Part of me thinks I’m too sick to keep trying to juggle school and work and life.  But at the same time, having a routine and structure does me good.  Work gives me that.  I have somewhere to be during the week.

My hours have dropped.  First, they couldn’t keep me busy for 20-25 hours a week.  That’s a simple fact.  So instead of being there from 9-3 Monday-Thursday I’m now there from 10-3 Monday through Wednesday.  Some weeks it might be more like 10-2 Monday through Thursday.  Either way, it’s less hours.  Which is good.  I keep the routine and structure, but I don’t have to push myself harder than I can reasonably function.

I am still sick.

And tired.  God I’m tired.

So it is with this in mind that I’m continuing my bid for social security.  By dropping down in hours I’m improving my health, but I’m also making under 1000$ a month now so I’m not automatically ineligible for ssi.

In all work is going rather well.  I like my job and I seem to be good enough at it.  I also like my boss so I’m happy where I’m at.  I just can’t do it for more than 15-20 hours a week.  I’m not healthy enough.

Meanwhile school is going really well.  I just finished another term and kept my perfect 4.0 in the process.

My new term has already started, by the point in time you are reading this.  This one should be easier than the last two.  Well, last term, macro and microeconomics, wasn’t hard.  It was just a LOT of writing.  This one should be less work overall.

My first class is called Understanding Science.  It’s a two credit hour class that meets a general education requirement.  It’s 12 weeks long and while there are 4 tests in total, I’m not expecting much trouble.  I’m good at science and this is only skimming the surface.

My second class starts in 6 weeks and it’s Communication Ethics.  I know nothing about it but the girl I work with just took it and got a B.  She also said it was one of those classes where you can get all the work done in a single evening.  So I’ll give myself two evenings and get an A.  Her professor was also a stingy grader.  Hopefully mine isn’t.  I do know I’m taking it with someone else so there is a chance s/he is an easy grader.

That’s basically my life right now.  School.  Work.  Kids.  Sleep.  More sleep.

I guess that’s why I’m not writing much.  There are only so many ways I can say school is going well.  And well, life is rather drama free at the moment.  I’m not complaining, but it makes for a quiet blog.

Even my current stint of unhealthy is a quiet one.  I’m simply tired and stressed and moderately melancholy.

I’ll post a fish update soon.  They give me life.

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New Job

Posted March 5, 2016 By kmarrs

God I’m tired.

I love my job.  I love working for the university.  I love working in the math department.  I love my bosses.  I love everything about it.

It is exhausting.  I mean the work itself isn’t.  I’m just having to spend more energy in general than I have in a long while, so I’m tired by the time I get home.  Half the time I come home and nap, before waking up and working on homework.

Homework.  Ugh.  It isn’t like the number of assignments lessens based on the amount of job work I do.  I will say this though, having the university library right across the street from my office is useful.  I have not done it yet, but once I find my rhythm and I’m no longer in as great of need of an after work nap, I fully intend to stay at the library a couple of days a week to get coursework done.

Once I’m in face to face classes I’ll be staying behind at the school anyway to go to class after work.  I work Monday-Thursday 9-3, for the most part.  Balancing the schedule of 2 adults, and 3 kids will bring some variance to that, but that is the general schedule.

I took pity on myself and dropped one of my classes this term.  I had it so I was taking to courses at once for the last 6 weeks of the term.  But until I find my rhythm and balance of work/family/school, I need to not take more than one at a time.  Usually it isn’t really an issue anyway.  The only reason I was going to be doubling up was because I took an extra 6 weeks off at the beginning of this term.  Needed it.  Don’t regret it.  I just won’t be going to school full-time this term.  And that’s fine.

My psychiatrist isn’t leery about me working to begin with.  I’m sort of healthy enough for it, but I tend to jump into the deep end thinking I can float no problem, and then end up starting to sink.  I think only taking 1 class at a time will get her to stop worrying some.

Alrighty.  Time to stop procrastinating this econ paper that refuses to write itself.  I’ll check in next Tuesday, maybe.

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Astounding

Posted October 19, 2015 By kmarrs

So in the past 2 weeks, I’ve taken 2 major tests.  One for stats and one for algebra.

In stats I managed a 97% that I’m very happy with.  My score for the class thus far is 98.26%.  I don’t see that shifting much.  I mean, it might go down a few point maybe, but in general I understand the material well enough.  So it’ll be stupid mistakes on tests that catch me up, if anything.

In stats I managed a 115/115.  Here is how that breaks down: 107 from the test, 2 points bonus (there was a bonus question on the test for extra credit) and 6 points “extra”.  So I had a feeling, but I emailed my professor about those 6 points, to see where they came from.  Well they, and I quote “came from [me]. Just say thanks and take a nap.”  Heh.  This professor and I have an interesting relationship.  She knows I’m openly trying really really hard and I am exhausted with the workload of 2 math classes.  She knows I’m being bullied by a classmate and used by the rest.  She herself is being bullied by the same bully.  She knows the bully is also cheating, but she can’t prove it.  I’m helping her there.  She knows I’m going to have to work my ass off to keep an A.  I was at a 90.17% before the test, but now I’m up to a 94.90%.  Honestly, I think she wanted to give me a perfect score because the entire class, in a not so friendly tone, was assuming I was getting it anyway.  I couldn’t be happier about that 100% if I had earned it the old-fashioned way.  Even so, it wasn’t handed over for nothing.  I did earn it.  Just not in the more obvious way.

I really could use that nap.  I only have half the homework load this week, thanks to the stats test being an in class test.  But I want to spend some time going over old material just to be sure I’ve really got it.  I’m not as confident as I’d like to be.  I did technically like 8 points, after all.

 

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The Fellowship (Not) Of The Ring

Posted October 9, 2015 By kmarrs

I maybe, probably, like 75+% certain, have a job starting in January!  Not that I was necessarily looking for a job but…

See, my algebra professor is head of the math department.  At least her part of the math department.  So on top of teaching duties she has a butt ton of administrative stuff.  And she basically works like 60+ hours a week and is doing her best but is only one person and she actually manages to keep all the balls in the air, but it exhausting.  It sounds exhausting.  She needs help.

I pointed this out to her Wednesday and suggested she could use a TA.  She agreed and said she could ask for one, but no one ever wants to TA mathematics.  Ever.

Uh.  I would.  Gladly.

So she and I talked it over.  I’ve given her my background, my education goals, my career goals, and it sounds like the only person who’d want the job, is a good fit.

It does have to be officially posted and technically I could have competition.  But that’s why I’m only 75% certain I have a job starting in January.

January?  Yeah, I have to not be her student before I can TA.

Technically it would be a work fellowship because I’m not a graduate student, but it’s still basically the same thing.

And it’s a paying gig.  I honestly didn’t know that when I volunteered.

My logic…

I can’t handle working and school right now.  I’m still too fragile.  But…

This would only be like 10-15 hours a week.  Basically if I have class on, say, Tuesday and Thursday nights, I’d go down at noon and work for 5 hours then go to class.  Maybe a third day if there is enough work.

I would not be interacting with people other than professors and maybe occasionally scheduling a meeting for her, so there is no stress of the general public.  Plus there are no sales goals or customer service surveys.

I’d basically be grading, typing, copying, hole punching, stapling, etc etc.  The busy work she can delegate.  She even suggested she might loan me out to other professors who need help.  So this could get maybe at some point closer to 20 hours a week.

But… this is the stuff I actually enjoy doing.  And I enjoy Dr. Latin.  She drives me crazy, she reminded me a lot of me without the mental health issues, but we mutually respect each other and it makes for some fun banter.

I think this would be a way for me to work without feeling like I’m working.  Plus it gets me out of the house.  Plus it’s a paycheck.

More importantly: I can start teaching as soon as I have a bachelor’s in some cases.  That’s me teaching in, oh, 5 years.  If I spend the next 5 years TAing for various professors, I’ll have tons of experience in the world of teaching, behind the scenes anyway, and my foot in the door at the university I see myself teaching at.  This is a great step in the right direction.

So, I’m super excited.  I really hope this works out.  Not just because it’s a job and that would be useful, but because this is a great step in the direction I want to go.

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General Check-in

Posted October 7, 2015 By kmarrs

I know, it’s been a hot minute since I last posted.  I blame upcoming tests, school projects, and general course work load, but there has also been some gaming in there.  What can I say, it’s how I decompress.

And I’ve needed to decompress.

See last week, last Tuesday, I was on my way to class when my car’s steering column fell apart.  While I was driving the car.  Luckily I was in a parking lot going about 3 mph.  Because if I’d been on the freeway like 15 minutes earlier, I would have died.  That is no exaggeration.

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So… That image just kind of sums up my, well, year. At least the past few weeks.

School is going well, except for the plan to make friends. If I get an A in the one class I’m going to have to fight for it tooth and nail. So that has me stressed. I mean it’s a good stress. The kind I thrive under. I’m also just still depressed and tired.

But it’ll work itself out, right? It will. I just need to hang in there.

I may have already said this, but I’m in a one-on-one DBT with my therapist. I’ve had to miss a couple of weeks thanks to the car, but we’ll pick up where we left off. It’s good to have a refresher on the skills. I’m also in a point in my life where I’m the most receptive to it. So yeah, that’s going well.

I guess… I’m doing what I need to do. I’m taking care of myself. So eventually this depression will lift. It has to.

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I Don’t Really Hate Math, Of Course

Posted September 30, 2015 By kmarrs

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew, taking two math classes at once. Either way it would have been two classes at the same time, but I might have paired it better if only one class was a math class, and they weren’t both 15 weeks long. The next 15 weeks are going to be stressful.

The thing is, I know I can handle it. I’m scared I can’t, but that’s how I am. I never give myself credit.

What I don’t know is if I’ll survive this term with a perfect 4.0. I’m having to let go of some impossible standards. There are only so many times I can work a problem before I give up and admit defeat. Defeat isn’t the end of the world. It only feels like it is. Defeat simply means I need a little help and that’s ok. It has to be. I’m not perfect.

I’m not perfect.

Which the insane part is I long ago accepted I’m not perfect, and yet I hold myself to the standard of perfection when it comes to my academics. I know it’s because I know I’m capable of great things. But I’m still only human. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m human and I make mistakes. Or I simply don’t understand everything with perfect clarity. And that’s ok. The standard I hold myself to is an impossible standard and that standard is not ok.

I repeat, mostly to myself because I’m the one not listening, holding myself to a standard of perfection is not ok. It’s not healthy. It has me obsessing over every miserable point loss, and spending hours reviewing what I already know because I’m afraid I’ll forget something come test time.

I can’t do this to myself. I’m fighting a hard enough battle as it is, why do I insist on purposely making it worse?

I need to stop.

So.

So what if I get a B? That’s still above average. It’s a passing grade. It’s more than acceptable to any rational human being.

My perfect 4.0 won’t last forever. At least it’ll be better if it’s because I’m not perfect, verses not doing the work. I’m putting in the effort. It shows. I’m getting the vast majority of the material even. I’m just… tired? Not perfect. And in my mental and physical exhaustion I make mistakes,

I might even pull off an A in both class. All this stress over my GPA might be for naught. Either way, I need to just let it go. Accept what is and let go of what can’t be.

I just. This is hard for me.

All I am right now is a student. I don’t have a job to excel in. I have motherhood, of course, but that isn’t all I am. School is what is taking me away from my kids so I at least need to make the best of it. Be the best at it. No. Just do my best.

I need to do my best and accept that no one’s best is perfection. No one is perfect. I need to accept I’m certainly not the exception.

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