School


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I know.  I don’t call.  I don’t write.  Yet here I am wanting to talk school?

Alright.  My duel major for my Bachelor’s in Business Administration and Applied Psychology are already in the works.

From there I was planning my Masters in Psychology.

But.  Out of the schools I’m looking at, most don’t even offer a masters in psychology.  Even if they do, you need a specific quantity of credit hours from your undergrad to be in psychology.  My current undergrads just aren’t going to cut it.

But a third Bachelor’s in general psychology would.

And I can get that at the local really good university I plan to get my Psy.D. at.  It’s one of the best schools for psychology in the country, even. (But they don’t offer a master’s in it.)

But then.

If I’m doing that, and I’m already planning to get the Psy.D. in the end, none of the school I prefer even offer a masters in Psychology, and you don’t need the masters for the doctorate, why am I trying for the masters?  How much debt do I want?  How many degree do I intend to collect?  (The answer is now and always will be: All of them.) (Did you know federal student loan debt gets discharged when you die?)(Guys!  If I’m a student until the day I die, at a very old age or of any other natural causes, I won’t ever have to pay my loans back!)(Just saying: I could be a professional student.)(I mean, it IS looking that way anyway.)(Gotta catch them all!)(It took me a decade to get to school, I’m never leaving!)(People that like, I don’t know, chase down to get money from people who actually do this, please know I’m joking.)(I intend to use my degrees.)

I’m still toying with the Masters in Business Psychology which is the follow-up to my B.S. Applied Psychology.

But if I do that I might as well just drop my B.A. in Business Admin.  I’ve always argued business is a great foundation to anything, but at this point, I’ll pay someone with a business degree if I actually have a private practice. (Plus I think I’m just holding on tight because in my decade long fight for school, this has been the planned degree.  But I’m in school, I’m pulling noting but A’s, and I’m in the National Society of Collegiate Scholars.  Fight is over.  I can let it go.  Please don’t start singing that song.)

So that means I’m looking at the following for my full degree set:

  • B.S. in Applied Psychology
  • B.A. in Psychology
  • M.S. in Business Psychology
  • Psy.D. in Psychology

Then possibly med school which would involve pre-med and then the M.D.  It would have its advantages but it also time-consuming, expensive, and involves cutting open/up dead bodies.  We’ll see.

This makes sense?  I mean, I can always change my mind as I go, as long as I’m not mid degree.  Right?

Wait, I did tell you all I got invited to join the National Society of Collegiate Scholars, right?  I accepted.

 

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And ACTION!

Karen Marrs
According to the internet I’m part banana. And you could be up to 10% more or less banana than I.
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/4794434/Bananana/
Karen Marrs
You know, fuck opening a practice… I should go into the research side of things. Genetics, etc.
What DNA marker, if any, makes a person more predisposed to depression, etc? What can be done about it? Science is headed towards fucking with DNA to “fix” people, so why not play my role as a scientist?
http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/26/health/ivf-mitochondria/index.html?sr=fb022614threeparentbabies9p
It took them awhile but scientific research lead to the discovery of the correlation between the veins in the hands and fibro, now scientists have to decide how to use that knowledge to fix fibro for good.
I could do that shit!
Patrick Marrs
DNA = Chem -nods- you would be good at Chem
Karen Marrs
I slept through high school chem. It was at like 8AM. You do the math. Or I showed up late because I “missed my bus”, with Starbucks in hand. But shit, the Starbucks right there at and was walking distance from my high school. If they had given me means to buy coffee, real coffee, at school, I wouldn’t have been late to chem and I might have actually stayed awake.
Karen Marrs
If I did go into research my degrees in business would be pointless. I mean, I’m still getting my bachelors in that because that is useful no matter the field. Even science is a business, sadly. But I could do right from this bachelors to my doctorates. I need to rethink everything. I mean, I want to help people and with my own practice I could do that, but think of the people I could help on the research side of things? I could do what the big bang characters do, only at OSU.
Karen Marrs
And, here is where I go vain. Most people are right-brained or left-brained. I’m both. How many research scientists can claim that?  How many can really think logically AND creatively. Scientific research could use more creative thinking. When logic just doesn’t seem to be working, I’m really good at thinking outside the box. Fuck, my box doesn’t even exist!9:14 PM
My bachelors in business, my masters in psychology, then pre-med, then med. Then I go from there.
Patrick Marrs
This conversation is smarter than me which tells me that whatever you decide will be well-informed and ‘right’.
Karen Marrs
Holy hell
This feels so right!

And SCENE!

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School is going.  I’m doing quite well, but the classes I’m taking are college writing and Math.  So they were going to go well. Should help pad my GPA for when the going gets tough.  I did realize, much to my delight, that now that I’m full-time I’m eligible for the Dean’s List.  I look forward to my placement this trimester.  You hear confidence because there is no reason I won’t.

I enjoy my Math class being in an actual classroom.  I think I might make a point of one in-class a trimester.  It gets me out of the house in a healthy setting and fashion.  I’m in a place where I’m looking to meet people for various reasons.  Don’t look at me like that, I don’t sleep with every hand I shake.  Not even a notable fraction.

Speaking of… I’ve been on a few first and follow-up dates.  I’ve been stood up a few times.  I had one guy who looked promising end up not being promising.  That sucked.  Though the fashion in which that spiraled out, his loss.  I just recently had another first date also promising with a second date on the horizon.  I still maintain I’m looking for a best friend first and foremost.  The rest is just what it is or isn’t.

Speaking of best friends there is someone a true best friend whom has been there for me as long as I’ve known him and he is so exactly perfect in what I need and what I’m looking for.  But it isn’t to be.  At least I still have that friendship and he is the standard I will hold every other guy on the planet to.  But sometimes… I really wish he could be.  I know I see him as a white knight but in over 2 years and countless tests I’ve never been presented with a hint of a reason not to.  Even Pat supports this friendship though the depths of it are mine and mine alone.  I assume Pat knows I have feeling there.  I don’t have to discuss it with him.  Pat knows my heart.  But even without official discussion, Pat, if he should read this, is nodding along in agreement.  He knows how deeply I care for this person.  And he knows this person is good for me.  And he supports this friendship like he supports me breathing oxygen.  I write this in fear that the other person could someday read this and question if I can be trusted.  I write this knowing trust would never be betrayed.  I write this knowing I wish he would read it and find support where I’m willing to bet he never suspected.  I can’t know for sure but it’s a safe assumption.  I know my husband and my husband knows me.  I am great with secrets but Pat is great with me.

So I dally on with first dates, last dates.  First kisses, last kisses.  Being stood up, and losing hours to unexpected conversation.  Comparing them all to the one who won’t be.

And I’m happy with Pat.  I know the past decade has been rocky, but this feels right.  Not because I get to fuck around, because I’m not, but because this brings me a spark to Pat.  If anything, in my quest to show Pat he is my number one man, I’m looking for new and exciting ways to show him my affections.  In his quest to remind me what I have in him, he’s being the man I always wanted but never realized I had.  He would be doing this anyway, I would be doing this anyway, but this element of the open marriage keeps that spark lit as we are on our toes to never forget the partner that really matters.

We’ve been to the art museum twice, once with the 10-year-old.  He took me to see The Princess Bride on the big screen.  The local theater showed it one showing only.  We giggled together in advance of the scenes we knew were coming.  We spoke along in parts, not the only one in a theater full of fans to do so.  We are going to an art gallery for Valentine’s day.  I have the most romantic thing I’ll ever pull off, planned for late valentines, early anniversary.  I’m excited to romance Pat and be romanced by Pat.

And yes, I’m excited to be in the dating world, even when it has me not wanting to leave my bed from time to time because I got dumped in the most childish way ever.  But I’m out there having fun.  And I don’t mean *nudge nudge wink wink* fun.  I mean the fun of getting out there and meeting people and just leaving the damn house, fun.

Feeling desired and attractive and young and vibrant helps too.  This helps my self-confidence more than it hurts it.  I can’t take getting stood up too personally.  But I’m actually starting to learn I might actually be kind of not ugly.

And that’s been 30 years in coming.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to in the new year, I’d have to say the answer is reading, studies, and dates.  Good and bad.

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I don’t do resolutions, but I guess I still have goals for the coming year.  Call them what you will.

  1. Read an average of a book a week ending the year at 52 books read.
  2. Read the entire Bible in full
  3. Write two blog posts a week ending the year at 104 posts written
  4. Keep my 4.0 GPA
  5. Have my financial situation  settled whether disability or having to find a job
  6. Make this year better than the one before it
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With my mental health slipping away, and my fine motor skills leaving much to be desired, I’m left wondering how much longer I can continue to get through the day-to-day, all while pretending that I’m fully functioning.

There is an old saying that a person only has so many spoonfulls of energy.  From this, the modern-day sufferers of invisible illnesses have coined the term “Spoonies”.  The idea is that everything we do takes a certain number of spoons and every day we are only given so many spoons to get us through that day.  Some days getting out of bed, showered, and dressed for the day might only take a single spoon.  Other days it might take 3 or 4.  I, personally, have both my BPD ( and its collection of friends) as well as fibro contributing to my spoon usage.  On days where my fibro is bad and giving my feet issues, it might take an entire spoon just to get shoes on my feet.  Another couple to keep them there.

For almost two years it took maybe 4 spoons to get through an 8 hour work day.  Lately, it’s been taking more like 12-16.  That’s more spoons than I have total.  What it takes mentally to sound and appear chipper, when my insides are crumbling and horrific, takes all my energy.  All my spoons.  And some days, I can’t make it to the end of the day before it shows that I am all out spoons.

I finally had to stop and ask myself if maybe it wasn’t time to stop and look for a new line of work.  My ability to perform at my best in my current job was compromised and I was becoming a liability.  I finally decided that maybe I’d be better off leaving the work force altogether for a while and filing disability.  It’s something I had hoped to never have to do, but at this point it will allow me to focus on my health.

It will also let me focus all my spoons, minus what I give to my family, on my education.  I have lofty education goals.  Even full-time everything I’m hoping to accomplish will take 10-15 years.  It comes down to: How old do I want to be when I graduate?  Do I want to have time to pay off my loans and use my degrees after graduation or do I wish to graduate as I retire?

You all have seen the back and forward of the school drama over the years.  You (should) know by now I’m a straight A student accomplishing nearly perfect grades, but that I got off to a rocky start after dropping some classes.  More than once.  Young and dumb.  I’ve since gotten my fresh start at Franklin University and am back at my straight A’s with a near perfect in most cases.  This tells me that I really can do this.  The only thing holding me back is, well, ME!

No.

More.

I’m currently working on my Bachelor’s in Business Administration, minoring in Business Economics because they go well enough together and can be finished within my electives.  Besides, Business Economics sounds fascinating.  Sorry, I’m one of those students.  Remember when I almost majored in math?  Yeah, still pissed Business doesn’t require calculus.  After my Bachelor’s I’m going for my Master’s in Business Administration and then my Master’s in Business Psychology.  Finally, because this is one I want more than the rest, I’m going for my Doctorate in Psychology.

What will I do with all that?  So glad you asked!  For starters, all of that is helpful in the business world, including banking.  But it can also be amazingly helpful should I decide to open my own private practice.

Then someday, when my student loans are paid off, I have a 401K and pension built, and I’m ready to retire, I can spend my time volunteering my time.  So many out there are disabled and in need of proper help.  How many of them, with just a little affordable (greatly reduced or even free) help would be able to reenter the work force and really contribute to society and their own personal lives and self worth?

I’m about to spend 10-15 years on disability and probably welfare.

Then I’m going to spend the rest of my life paying all that back in actual money but most importantly, in my time.  Because I can.

Or, at least, I’ll be able to.

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To say I’m struggling right now would be a clear understatement.  I’m holding my head above water and all, but just barely.  Some days are worse than others.  Some days I want to quit life and just hide until I feel better.  Clearly not a good plan though, so I push forward.

When I get like this it’s hard to see clearly the motivation fueling my actions, and the consequences aren’t always clear.  I have to question and second guess almost every decision I make, wondering if I’m self sabotaging.  I’m good at that after all.  Last week saw me doing something I would have seriously regretted beyond measure if I hadn’t been offered forgiveness I still question if I deserve.

This week school started back up after a week off between trimesters.

I’m working 45-50 hour weeks right now on top of trying to settle my life and I can’t help but feel that adding a school work load, however easy the class may be, to the plate just isn’t the best idea.  I do my best work under pressure, I’ve said this so many times, but it is true.  But the thing is, no matter how solid the material, everything cracks under pressure eventually if you only apply too much.  I don’t want to crack.  That is not healthy.

Logically, I’d been planning to take the occasional trimester off anyway.  No, not the second trimester available to me, but there was never a set, “I’ll go this trimester, and take this one off” schedule.  I always just assumed I’d know when it was wise to take one off and left it at that.

If I take this one off, that gives me until January to, if not completely at least get much closer, get my shit together.  I need to finalize a divorce, find a place to live, move in, and keep up my delicate hold on stable.  This also gives me until January before I have to tell a kid I don’t see like I use to, that momma can’t play now, she’s writing a paper.

Mental health wise, burying myself in my school is a great distraction.  It is also, however, a distraction that piles on stress and stress is something I need to self sooth from.  Proper self soothing, like reading, movies, exercise, friends, or even just long walks, takes time.  No matter how easy the class, the work load takes any and all free time.  I have so much I need to self sooth from as it is, taking away my time to do so might well be costly.  So not taking classes lets my refocus my mind on my needed DBT skills and get myself mentally healthy, with proper time in my week to do so.

Yesterday, when I first logically started looking at this option, was a really bad mental health day and I was so terrified I was running from life and obligation in doing this.  Today, with a clearer head, for now at least, I think I can see that I’m not running from obligation, I’m simply prioritizing it and I’m not running from life, I’m simply finding it and settling it down.

I haven’t hit the drop button yet but I need to tonight if I’m doing this.  My first bit of work is due tomorrow, and at this point of the game, 3 days into the trimester, dropping won’t affect anything GPA or aid wise.  Waiting too long will.

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Me to Pat: Why are you looking at me like that?

Thomas, very matter of fact: He thinks you’re funny looking.

Me: Thanks kid!

Thomas, still very matter of fact: You’re welcome.  Can we start the movie now?

 

Sorry guys, this psych class is kicking my ass.  I’m doing fabulous in it, though.  Rocking a 99% with 2/3rds of it graded.  However, it is very time-consuming.  Rumor has it my next class is a little less intense.  I could use the easy A.  I’m working for this one, even knowing the subject going in.

 

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