Remember that mountain I was climbing? The top was recovery? The bottom was the hospital? Well, I landed on the roof of the hospital not too long after the post went live. And god I wanted in those doors. I wanted admitted. I wanted to feel safe again. But, we couldn’t really afford it.
I was, however, given the green light to drop classes this semester. It increased the stress over money, (Care to donate? The button is to the right. It’ll go to things like electric and gas.) but the stress over trying to pull off school was actually worse. I was so stressed I was losing my ability to concentrate and function as a human being. And I just couldn’t advance my education through that.
Am I dropped out for good? Hell no! But for sure the rest of winter semester and maybe summer semester as well. I’ll have to pay back on my loans some, but if David, the Brother-in-law that lives with us, gets the job he’s talking about, that will still be less stressful than trying to focus on my education.
So I’ll take something like nine months off, including what I’ve already taken, which will be spent bettering my medication cocktail, spending time with my sister and seeing if she’ll survive this failing liver issue, and rebuilding a friendship I thought I had lost. Hell, maybe it is lost for good, I don’t know. I’ve been told something will be figured out, but we’ll see. If I do have that friendship back, however, I’ll have an essential part of my personal support system back in place. So we’ll see. If he is loss, then I will have mourned and healed by then.
Altogether, come August or September, I plan to be ready to reenter the academic world, ready to take names, kick ass, and keep my GPA where it’s at. I do love learning and school, even if it is stressful at times. It just needs to be about the only major stressor.
Which is good, as I might owe the school a couple thousand due to the timing of me dropping. That part is still being worked out. Ideally they will let me pay it back with future loan money. Or a payment plan, or it will be forgiven. Who knows. It’ll be decided.
My academic advisor knows the full situation and knows this isn’t me being lazy but my life exploding in my face, on top of my debilitating mental health issues. He also has access to the grades I’ve pulled off. So he is going to work with financial aid for me, and they will come to a solution. So I’m choosing to not worry about it. Even a payment plan is less stressful than what I was going through just a few days ago.
The ugly cry automatically triggered by going to the school site, was a clear sign that is was time to give up pretending I could school. So was the cutting.
So now, I’m not without stress, but I removed what I could, so I can better focus on healing from what I can’t.