School Archive

It’ll Be OK

Posted July 17, 2015 By kmarrs

School and Borderline Personality Disorder BPDWell, I never heard back from the lady with TSI, but when I tried to register for classes, just to see, it went through.  So whatever the problem is, she fixed it and didn’t bother calling me.  I’m actually kind of wondering if I left my phone number, or maybe she’ll call me tomorrow or whatever.  I don’t care.  It’s taken care of.  And Franklin has ALWAYS been good to me so I’m just going to end this experience on a high note.

I’m going to work hard this Fall and keep my GPA up and continue on with maybe economics this coming Winter, and keep my GPA up.  And it’ll all be ok.


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What Does TSI Mean For My Education?

Posted July 15, 2015 By kmarrs

School and Borderline Personality Disorder BPD

So apparently TSI is in-house collections.  Meaning I supposedly owe the school money?  I’m sincerely hoping that’s just an error because my life may have crashed around me, but was extremely diligent in making sure all loose ends were tied up and I didn’t owe anyone money.

I’m trying to stay upbeat about this, but if it turns out I somehow owe thousands of dollars back, I won’t be able to return to school and that… that isn’t acceptable to me.  I have worked way too hard and I left on good terms with the school’s understanding and support.  I have an email trail backing this.

Anyway, I have left a message with “in-house collections” and I’ll see what they say.

It’ll be ok.

It’ll be ok.

It’ll be ok.

It’ll be ok.

It’ll be ok.

It’ll be ok.

It’ll be ok.

It’ll be ok.


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Gearing Up

Posted July 13, 2015 By kmarrs

School and Borderline Personality Disorder BPDI am very ready to return to school.  I’m hoping it’ll give me that sense of purpose again.

I’m already selected my classes.  I just need to officially register.  I have indications I might have a slight hiccup there but I’ll work it out with my advisor.  (I’ve been sent to something called TSI.)  I’m trying not to stress.  I did things right and covered my ass so it should all work out.  I’m sure it’ll just take a phone call or email.

I’ll be taking two math classes this coming fall semester.  The bad news is that since they are both 15 weeks long, I’m taking them both at once.  The good news it’s math so they should both be an easy A and don’t really stress me out.  I have nothing else going on now besides the general day-to-day of being a mother and wife.  Pat is great at backing me up so I’m sure if I need to head out to quieter ground to work on homework, he’ll support it.  I have a laptop now so I can literally do all homework outside the house.

The one class is just the next level of algebra.  I did all this in highschool so while it’s been a really long time and I honestly need the refresher, it won’t be fully foreign to me.  Plus I’m good at math anyway.  The second class is statistics and I also took that in high school.  If I recall, even though I blew off ym senior year more than I should have, due to depression, I still did really well in stats so I’m again not worried.

I think this will be a great way to get myself back into the swing of things.

I’m trying to be really upbeat and positive and not stress over shit like it’s been awhile, I care about grades, and I’ll be taking two classes at once.  I think it helps that I really am honestly looking forward to it.  I missed being a student, even if I did honestly need all that time off.

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BPD and the Black Hole of Despair

Posted June 29, 2015 By kmarrs

I am going out of my mind with this feeling that I’m just drifting off into space, oblivion, or maybe just coasting along.  I don’t know.  I’m just kind of existing.  I don’t think I’m overly sad, though I am depressed.  That’s a fun one.  I mean, unless you’ve ever suffered clinic depression, it makes no sense.  But it’s a true fact:  You can be sad, but not be depressed, and you can be depressed and not be sad.  Depression isn’t a gauge of how sad you are, even if you are in fact both depressed and sad.

Depression is really this state of being where you’re, I don’t know, feeling less than.  Less than, anything and/or everything.  I currently feel less than a person.

It doesn’t help that my day-to-day doesn’t change from one day to the next.  All my days run together and aside from the occasional appointment, I don’t even have need to know what day of the week it is.  And it’s driving me out of my mind, really.  I am a human being who hates pressure, but still thrives under structure.  There is no structure to anything right now.  None.

My biggest thing I need to get back to is school and I know that.  I needed winter off, I was drowning in life.  The stress was beyond anything I’ve ever experienced just 4 short months ago.

I needed to take the summer off, because if my sister hadn’t received her new liver a few weeks back, we would have buried her by now.  I was hoping for the best, but ready for the worst.  I also would have started the term with my sister on her death-bed no matter what.  It ended well, but it ended well at the last possible minute.

So I go back this fall and I’m so ready for fall to be now.  I’m actually excited about it.  I get to learn again!  I’m going to start where I left off and delve into economics, only this time I’m going to take it in a classroom.  It involves math and therefore follows the math rule: Never try to teach yourself math.  i don’t care how helpful the text-book might be.  Math is just one of those classes that needs the benefit of an instructor walking you through step by step.  Economics is no exception.

As an added bonus, taking it in a classroom will mean I’m out of the house once a week!  Go team! I’m going to burn this place to the ground if I don’t start getting out more!  Only not really,because I’m a pyrophobe and I have like 500 books that I don’t intend to lose.

So I’m anxiously awaiting the day I can register (July 6th).   I’m anxiously awaiting the first day of term (August 17th).

In the meantime, I’m just drifting and it’s soul crushing.

Dear God someone pull me out of this hole!

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The BPD Mountain of Stress

Posted March 16, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and stressRemember that mountain I was climbing? The top was recovery?  The bottom was the hospital?  Well, I landed on the roof of the hospital not too long after the post went live.  And god I wanted in those doors.  I wanted admitted.  I wanted to feel safe again.  But, we couldn’t really afford it.

I was, however, given the green light to drop classes this semester.  It increased the stress over money, (Care to donate?  The button is to the right.  It’ll go to things like electric and gas.) but the stress over trying to pull off school was actually worse.  I was so stressed I was losing my ability to concentrate and function as a human being.  And I just couldn’t advance my education through that.

Am I dropped out for good? Hell no! But for sure the rest of winter semester and maybe summer semester as well.  I’ll have to pay back on my loans some, but if David, the Brother-in-law that lives with us, gets the job he’s talking about, that will still be less stressful than trying to focus on my education.

So I’ll take something like nine months off, including what I’ve already taken, which will be spent bettering my medication cocktail, spending time with my sister and seeing if she’ll survive this failing liver issue, and rebuilding a friendship I thought I had lost.  Hell, maybe it is lost for good, I don’t know.  I’ve been told something will be figured out, but we’ll see.  If I do have that friendship back, however, I’ll have an essential part of my personal support system back in place.  So we’ll see.  If he is loss, then I will have mourned and healed by then.

Altogether,  come August or September, I plan to be ready to reenter the academic world, ready to take names, kick ass, and keep my GPA where it’s at.  I do love learning and school, even if it is stressful at times.  It just needs to be about the only major stressor.

Which is good, as I might owe the school a couple thousand due to the timing of me dropping.  That part is still being worked out.  Ideally they will let me pay it back with future loan money.  Or a payment plan, or it will be forgiven.  Who knows.  It’ll be decided.

My academic advisor knows the full situation and knows this isn’t me being lazy but my life exploding in my face, on top of my debilitating mental health issues.  He also has access to the grades I’ve pulled off.  So he is going to work with financial aid for me, and they will come to a solution.  So I’m choosing to not worry about it.  Even a payment plan is less stressful than what I was going through just a few days ago.

The ugly cry automatically triggered by going to the school site, was a clear sign that is was time to give up pretending I could school.  So was the cutting.

So now, I’m not without stress, but I removed what I could, so I can better focus on healing from what I can’t.

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College Update: A Not So Borderline Success

Posted February 17, 2015 By kmarrs

university success and BPD Borderline Personality Disorder and College

I’ll keep this brief.  Just with all the years of battles I went through to get here, I am proud to say I’m officially a Sophomore based off the number of credits needed to graduate quartered.  I’m also maintaining my perfect 4.o.  I’m also a member of the National Society of Collegiate Scholars.  I was also invited to go to China or Australia this summer as an International Scholar Laureate and represent American business students.  However, the hefty price tag attached made that not so appealing of a thought.  There are other programs and other summers.

As of yesterday I’m back in classes after a much needed 8 week break.  I’ll still end up being full time this term.  I just scheduled it squished together.  You can assume I’ll regret that come semester end in 12 weeks, but then I’ll be taking the summer off.  So work hard now, play later.

Alright.  That’s basically it.  I’m actually a successful college student!

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