Real Shit That Happens To Everyone Yo Archive

Can You Spare Some Change?

Posted July 1, 2019 By kmarrs

Let’s face it, I’m broke. I’m working fewer hours than I used to while I finish up this degree. It’s hurting our ability to pay bills. Heck, I haven’t worked enough hours to pay bills in years, while working towards this degree, but it’s gotten worse! Additionally, while we do get food stamps, feeding all 5 of us is no small expense. Now that the kids are out of school for the summer, they are no longer getting free breakfast and lunch. I would literally do about anything to feed my family. That includes asking for tips.

Tips?

Yes. I have a Ko-Fi page. I’m asking that if you find value in my blog? Or maybe learned from me?  Or you understand BPD a little better because of me?  And you want to show your appreciation?  Consider leaving me  Ko-Fi tip!  Even just 3$ can help out food on the table and keep my electric on!

The link/button is on the top left of this blog, but I’m going to provide it again right here.

Anything you send will go directly to bills and food.

And I thank you! As do my parents as they are the ones currently picking up the slack. If I can lift some of the burdens by being paid to blog about BPD, that would be amazing.

I’m done trying to run ads. They are intrusive and irrelevant. But if I’m doing good and providing a service, then I feel it’s valid asking for tips.

The donations are in 3$ increments. The idea is it’s the equivalent of buying me a coffee, even if I don’t actually drink coffee anymore.

Be the first to comment

My Dad

Posted April 22, 2019 By kmarrs

Longtime readers know my relationship with my dad, over the last 20 years especially, has been a rollercoaster.

The worst of it was when we lived together 6-12 years ago and he was trying to be head of house, while not really contributing to the household, and over stepping some boundaries when it came to the kids. I won’t hash it all up. It’s history and I’m trying to let go of some things. But I’ll sum it up by saying, 3 generations living together is rough, especially when it’s the middle generation that’s “in charge” and it was made worse by the fact that dad and Pat don’t really get along. It was a rough situation and it lasted too long.

Once we got dad out of our house, things were still sort of rocky for awhile. Not bad, just not good. Mostly awkward, with unsure footing.

But then Rachel almost died. And I realized I couldn’t take the relationships that matter for granted.

Now I would like to stress here that had my father been abusive (I know my audience, potential and confirmed) I would have cut the ties and walked away. But my father has never been abusive. It was just a bad situation and then an awkward one.

So the relationship was worth fixing.

I still didn’t jump right on it. I spent time with him occasionally. Like when I was at my mom’s house. And a few one-on-one daddy/daughter dates. But things weren’t really in motion yet.

Then I started weekly therapy just right down the road from him, but 30-45 minutes from my house, getting out of therapy as rush hour traffic started. It seemed like the perfect situation to be like, “Hey. Let’s spend time together.”

So now every week I have therapy from 4-5 and then I go and have dinner with my dad. Sometimes it’s fancier sit down. Sometimes it’s fast food. Sometimes we run an errand or two while we are out. I’m not up at that end of town too often, and dad doesn’t drive. So sometimes there are things that just need to get done, so we run errands together. It’s nice. Really nice.

This past Monday night we saw Captain Marvel together. I’d already seen it with Pat and the kids, but dad hadn’t. He has no one else in his life to see movies with, right now. So I suggested we catch an early showing. I think we are going to work movies into the plans more often. Maybe not monthly, but when there is something he wants to see.

Movies are especially good since there is company, but no talking. Dad and I talk about surface level stuff, but things just stay shallow. At least right now. It’s not bad. The frequent silence is comfortable. It’s just not deep. So movies are a good way to spend a few hours together in companionable silence, and still have entertainment.

I should have him take me to the new Men in Black when it comes out sometimes in the next month or so.

Anyway, there is room for imporvment in my relationship with my dad, but we’re actively working on it. So I think we’ll be ok. We may never reach deep waters, but some relationships are like that.

I know my dad loves me. And I think he enjoys my company. So that’s good enough for me.

I just… I need to work on trusting him. But that’ll come in time.

Be the first to comment

Nearly Died. Twice.

Posted June 17, 2017 By kmarrs

So.

Ok.

In something like March I was placed on Iron Supplements because my hemoglobin was a little low.  For women it’s suppose to be in the 12-15 range.  But mine was off a little.

Then in seemingly unrelated news, in early April. I had a bad night.  I thought I was just dehydrated severely, because I had really bad diarrhea. But “whatever the cause” I passed out twice.  Once while actually sitting down.  Full on blacked out and came to only after landing hard both times.  I rehydrated and took it easy the next couple of days, but went about my business.  Oh and my stool was black, but iron supplements do that, ya know?  Anyway, I had a doctor’s appointment in about a week and a half, I’d report all this then.  Couldn’t get in any sooner.  Nothing to fuss over.

But like those two passing out spells really knocked it out of me.  I was so fatigued.   And could hardly catch my breath.  But like I’m a fat chick and I’m always winded and the weather was nice so I was trying to be more active.  Walking more.  And well, fatigue is like an everyday thing with me.  This was more than usual, but I had just had a really bad health night so… Anyway I was seeing my doctor soon.  It would all get squared away.

So the big doctor day came.  I filled her in on all that and also my history or chronic loose stools that I thought had led to me passing out a week and a half prior.  She took all this in and it sort of made sense.  But she wanted some blood tests.  She needed to check on my hemoglobin anyway because I’d been on the iron for about a month and she wanted to see how that was going.  So I left the office with a new appointment for in a month, and went down the hall to the lab to get my blood drawn.  Thought nothing more of it.  And went home.

That night, right as I was crawling into bed at 10PM my phone rang.  It was my doctor’s office.  I needed to go ASAP to the hospital, no I couldn’t drive myself, my hemoglobin was at 6.8 and I needed a blood transfusion or two (hint I got 2) and they needed to find out why I was literally bleeding to death.

Anyway, to speed this up.  3 days, many tests, and lots of drawing blood and transfusioning blood later, I was sent home with the knowledge that the blood was coming from polyps in my stomach that had ruptured (and were treated), and my hemoglobin was back up to 9 something.  Also my antacid for my acid reflux was changed out to a protonix, that both helps with reflux, but will help prevent my stomach from bleeding anymore (laughs).  Oh, and I’m up to twice a day Iron Supplements because my hemoglobin is really low now.  But not dangerously low like it was.

so I take my meds like a good girl.  I go to the follow up appointment like a good girl.  I almost punch my doctor in the face like a good girl.  (long story)  I schedule an appointment for another month out.  This one was for this past Wednesday.  So like mid June.

The Thursday before that appointment I wake up, go to the bathroom, and am greeted by the very obvious signs that I’m bleeding again.  I sigh, email my boss, and get my husband to drop me off at the Emergency Room.  They check my hemoglobin, sure enough, in the span of about 6 hours it went from 8 something to 7 something to 6 something.  I wasn’t just loosing blood, I was loosing it fast.  Or had lost it fast, because they can’t find where it’s coming from.  This was the same hospital.  They had my history from my previous stay and are affiliated with my doctor’s office so they have my full work up.  They knew where to look first.  No sign of bleeding anywhere, other than, you know, the obvious blood loss.  So 2 more blood transfusions and they send me home.  Only this time I also got what’s called and iron infusion.  Which is basically the supplement liquified, tons of it, straight to the vein.

So here I am with the explanation that GI bleeds frequently heal themselves and I shouldn’t worry.  And oh by the way, the iron infusion I got at the hospital, and the second one I got as outpatient Friday, will make it look like I’m bleeding again, but I shouldn’t worry.  I know what symptoms to watch for when my hemoglobin is dangerously near death low, right?  Right.  But I probably won’t start bleeding again.  I mean why would I?

*turns and looks at the camera*

Be the first to comment

IQ You

Posted November 7, 2016 By kmarrs

On the 24th of October I sat the admissions test for MENSA.  I sat and failed, that is.

It’s been a lifelong goal of mine to join MENSA.  So this came as a hard break.  It’s not even that I’m not as smart as I thought I could be.  I don’t care as much about that.  I was greatly looking forward to the social opportunities.  And well, yes, I feel stupid.

I do feel really stupid.

And as I sit here trying to turn this into a long post I realize there is nothing more I want to say on the subject.  I mean I could explore how I feel stupid even though I’m not stupid but fuck that.  I don’t really want to talk about it.

So I’ve shared that I tried.  I’ve shared that I failed.  And now I have school work to work on.

Be the first to comment

Surviving Finals

Posted December 21, 2015 By kmarrs

So. Wow. It’s been a long minute since I last wrote.

All I can really say to my defense is that my idea of thinking 2 maths classes at once would be an easy return to school… Haha. Ha. ha. No.

I forgot the sheer workload in a single math class much less two at once.

But I survived! Even finals week! With my 4.0 intact.

God, I’m tired though. The kind of tired that a nap just can’t fix. It’s like straight through to my core.

But I’ll recover. Just in time for next term. I’m actually going full-time next term, with 3 classes, but they are only 6 weeks each and none of them at the same time. It should be much lighter.

Also, I forgot how much I love to read. Or rather, I never doubted how much I love to read, but I sort of didn’t realize how much I missed it until term finished and I curled up with a book. To just sit there and read when you know there is nothing else in the world I need to be doing… It’d been awhile.

I’m rereading Game of Thrones. I hadn’t read them in a long while, years really, and I’d never read the 5th book so I’ve curled up with the first book and I’m going to try to read all 5 before I’m back in class.

Alright. I’ll try to update more, but I’m not really sure what there is to say. Life is quiet with no real drama. Other than the car breaking and then being gone with no replacement. I mean, my BIL who lives with us has a car, but I only really have access to it 2 days a week. And even then it’s shared. I’ve never not had a car. It’s getting old fast.

Be the first to comment

Astounding

Posted October 19, 2015 By kmarrs

So in the past 2 weeks, I’ve taken 2 major tests.  One for stats and one for algebra.

In stats, I managed a 97% that I’m very happy with.  My score for the class thus far is 98.26%.  I don’t see that shifting much.  I mean, it might go down a few points maybe, but in general, I understand the material well enough.  So it’ll be stupid mistakes on tests that catch me up if anything.

In algebra, I managed a 115/115.  Here is how that breaks down: 107 from the test, 2 points bonus (there was a bonus question on the test for extra credit) and 6 points “extra”.  So I had a feeling, but I emailed my professor about those 6 points, to see where they came from.  Well they, and I quote “came from [me]. Just say thanks and take a nap.”  Heh.  This professor and I have an interesting relationship.  She knows I’m openly trying really really hard and I am exhausted with the workload of 2 math classes.  She knows I’m being bullied by a classmate and used by the rest.  She herself is being bullied by the same bully.  She knows the bully is also cheating, but she can’t prove it.  I’m helping her there.  She knows I’m going to have to work my ass off to keep an A.  I was at 90.17% before the test, but now I’m up to 94.90%.  Honestly, I think she wanted to give me a perfect score because the entire class, in a not so friendly tone, was assuming I was getting it anyway.  I couldn’t be happier about that 100% if I had earned it the old-fashioned way.  Even so, it wasn’t handed over for nothing.  I did earn it.  Just not in a more obvious way.

I really could use that nap.  I only have half the homework load this week, thanks to the stats test being an in-class test.  But I want to spend some time going over old material just to be sure I’ve really got it.  I’m not as confident as I’d like to be.  I did technically miss 8 points, after all.

Be the first to comment