Real Shit That Happens To Everyone Yo Archive

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and patienceIt’s funny how much in life we take for granted. It’s always there whether we chose to acknowledge it or not. Hell, there may come a time in our life where we even hide from it, refuse to interact with it, because we’ve forgotten how.

Have you ever run a mental health blog? I have for some 6 and years now. It’s always been there. At times I wrote in it a few times a day, every day. At time I checked in a few times a week. There were times when it was a few times a month. That’s basically last year. God, what a year! I should have written like crazy, but I didn’t. I forgot how. Or the pain I had inside of me was too much.
I denied my mental health blog, because I was experiencing too much mental health. Yeah.

Dear God, I took it for granted last year. At any point I could open it up and do as I please with it. Alter it. Write in it. Delete it.
I couldn’t even delete it right now if I wanted to.

All I wanted to do was have an image automatically show up in each post. I didn’t care where as long as it wasn’t a manual process that could be forgotten. After hours of searching and trying out different plugins, I found one that was highly rated and looked promising. And so I installed it.

And then a white page showed up reading, wait I can copy and paste as I have to write in a word document since it’s still there….

Add Custom Header Images requires a page titled The Headers with images and WordPress v3.4 or greater.
Return to Plugins Page

Fatal error: Call to undefined function deactivate_plugins() in /home/content/03/3798603/html/wtbl2/wp-content/plugins/add-custom-header-images/add-custom-header-images.php on line 61

I was, uh, on the Plugins Page, btw. In fact I get that message on any page. Turns out, I have to go in and alter the ftp and completely delete that file. Research taught me this. Hours of attempts and further research also taught me that the only person that has the access, unless I’m granted access, is my tech guy who hosts my domain on his server. Of course, since shit broke at 10:35PM, well, it was after his office hours.

I was so frustrated through all this, with myself mostly, that I literally shook for about 4 hours straight.

At about 2AM I wrote a pleasant email telling him what I done fucked up and how it needed to be fixed and would he rather make me a fts sign in, or go in and fix it for me real fast. I suppose it comes down to what is fastest for him, because I’m now an expert at how to fix it, when and if I get the access.

I know he’ll get the email within the next hour when he wakes. I don’t know when he’ll get to it as it’s Monday morning and he has a family and a real job to tend to.

Meanwhile I’m going to sit here and continue to freak out semi-needlessly, until I get the highly anticipated email.

After all, the stage is up perfectly. It’s only back stage that is blocked off. And I have posts scheduled to drop 5 days a week through till the beginning of March. So really, we have a month to get this fixed.

However, I swear if you are reading this by the end of the day Monday February 9, 2015, I will never again take this blog for granted.

I’m not sure I can keep up at the pace I’m at, but I promise I’ll keep shit going.

I promise you baby, just come back to me! *sobs*

I feel so sick.

Edit: I got my dashboard back at 9PM. It was a quick fix once my tech got in there. I now have the access as well just in case.

P.S. That image in the header of each post is of my own design and my own coding to get it there. Fuck plugins.

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2014

Posted December 31, 2014 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPDSo I really thought 2013 was the worst year ever.  Like nothing could possibly be worse.  I mean seriously.  2013 was total shit.

Then 2014 happened.  I know I’ve been really super quiet the past 12-18 months.  I think at some point it became an issue of “where the fuck do I even begin”.  Plus I was going through so much emotional shit.  I was a mess.  But I was a mess in the process of doing what needed done to make myself better.

However, medication can’t fix everything.  So let’s take a look at the pros (there are some) and cons (oh good lord) of 2014.  Then my goal for 2015 will come tomorrow.

 

Pros of 2014

I am medicated.  It seems a decent combo.  I’m on an anti-depressant, like lest time.  I’m on a mood stabilizer, like last time.  I’m not on an anti-psychotic, but at this time it does not seem necessary.  I have added an anti-anxiety, because it became necessary.

 

I have hair!  Mind you, I was just fine with shaving my head.  However, I reached a point where I decided I wanted hair again and I have worked very hard at making it happen.  I have a billion hair things to keep it out of my face and the anti-anxiety helps a lot.

 

I am back in with Patrick. (Uh, this list is not in order of importance.  Pat is more important than hair, about tied with meds.)  I knew by Christmas of 2013 that it was a goal, but I was not ready for it.  So even after we were “back” I still lived alone for a couple of months to sort myself out some.  Plus it allowed us to fix what needed fixed while we were still in our separate corners.  Additionally, it allowed me time to miss him like crazy which at that point was healthy and beneficial for the end goal of living together.

 

We have a house!  We are renting it, but we can rent to own once ready.  In the meantime we have a huge yard, privacy, and no shared walls.  If something breaks, someone else fixes it.  We are allowed to paint, hang photos, build a fence.  Just as long as we can leave it how we found it should we move.  I, however, plan to grow old and die here unless my finances really take off.  The neighborhood is super quiet, minus the occasional air force jet or helicopter.  And as of yet we have yet to be annoyed by that, because we’re still too in awe.  Plus, most of the air traffic is during the day, not when we are trying to sleep.  So we really don’t mind.

 

I completed a full year of school.  One full-time trimester, and 2 part-time.  This last one about did me in but I’m am still pulling straight A’s for a perfect 4.0 GPA.  I was also invited to be an International Scholar Laureate and represent American business student in Hong Kong this summer.  I turned it down because it had a 5-6K price tag that would not be covered by loans and aid, but I’m still honored I was even invited.  It also led to the knowledge that there are generally a lot of programs like this some of which school aid will cover.  So in a year or two I’m going to check out spending a few weeks studying in London or something.

 

You know what?  I had the best Christmas I have had in a really long time.  Pat and I hosted.  His mother was here until she had to leave for medical reasons.  Both his brothers were here.  Our niece and a brother-in-law stopped in for a bit.  My mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law was here.  Pat cooked an amazing meal.  There was love, laughter, and some really well thought out presents.  I loved what I received, but I really loved what I gave just as much.

 

We had a young kitty follow my oldest home and then in the front door last November.  He was clearly a stray as he was nothing but fur and bones, but he was also obviously use to people as he is a snuggler.  So we named him Jeff, and gave him a home.  Jeff has since made it clear I’m his human, which is odd as cats normally don’t like me.  However, this cat is a wee bit obsessed.  No complaints here.  He sleeps on my feet when I’m working on my desk.  He curls up with me in bed.  And now that I mostly have him convinced that eating the toes of the human changing position under the covers is a bad idea, it makes for a very peaceful slumber.  He is a bit of an asshole.  However, he is my asshole and I didn’t know how badly I needed this cat in my life until he showed up.  May he stay with me until old age.

 

Cons of 2014

My favorite uncle passed away.  He was actually really sick for a very long time so this wasn’t a huge shock, but it still broke my heart.

 

We don’t have enough evidence to press charges, but there is every sign that my 3-year-old niece was molested.  Which…  She’s ok now, but for a while there she was pretty shook up.

 

My sister almost died of complete liver failure.  As she has now made this public knowledge, I can talk about it.  (I’ve wanted to talk about it.)  She has been an alcoholic for about 7 years now and it took her liver.  Where she was showing signs of not being healthy for a while, it was only this past year where it became enough for a doctor to really look her over and realize that it only would have been a matter of a few more days or weeks and her liver would have fully stopped functioning.  She was in and out of the hospital over the course of the year.  Especially the last third of it.  She has been given blood transfusions, potassium, steroid, antibiotics, everything.  She has been 4 months sober as of Christmas Eve and has stopped smoking (SO proud of her!) and the doctors have waited things out to see just how much her liver could heal on its own.  See the thing it, the specialist who has taken a look says he doesn’t give a damn how much she drank in the past 7 years, her liver looks like it belongs to someone who has drunk heavily for closer to 30 or 40.  So there is every sign that there is an underlying issue.  However, they can’t find it.  So they got her blood work looking good and all the meds in her and wanted to see how much her liver could heal with all their care, and no drinking.  However, sadly, it just can’t heal itself enough.  They had hoped, but truthfully aren’t surprised.  However, they now know exactly where she stands so they can put her on the transplant list.  The full day appointment with that team is coming up.  They will run a million tests to make sure she is otherwise healthy and if she passes all that (she is young and is healthy aside from the liver) she will be on the list and will hopefully have her new liver in a couple of months.  Maybe as early as January, possibly as late as March, but most likely we’re looking at February for that.  This is scary as fuck because her body could still reject the transplant, but with her age and over all health,they think her prognosis is really damn good.

 

I lost the most important friend in my life (that isn’t my husband).  Not because of drama, but simply drifting apart and my heart may never fully heal from this loss.  I know we will always be there for one another in times of need, but as we use to see each other daily and we’re now down to a couple of text messages a month… It will just never ever be the same.  My world has a big gaping hole in it now.  A hole that not just anyone can fill.

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The Spirit of Santa – The Spirit of Giving

Posted December 5, 2014 By kmarrs

I need help saving Christmas for 4 amazing, young boys and their father.  These boys have had a rough go at life.  Some parts have been rougher than others.  This past year has  been the roughest yet, as their parents battled for custody.  Their father, the more stable of the two, has finally won this battle, but doing so has seen his finances get stretched beyond comfort.  He had to give up his second job, and when is babysitter stopped showing up, he missed a lot of work, nearly losing his job in the process, and a lot more.  Upon hearing what was going on, I stepped in and have been hanging out with these amazing boys, aged 4-9, every day after school until their daddy gets off.  In doing so, their daddy has been able to get back to being financially stable, however, not enough so to make Christmas happen.  He’s afraid the illusion of Santa will be shattered when they realize what Christmas coming after a tax return really means.

I call bullshit.  There is too a Santa and his magic is alive! However, not being made of money myself, I can’t do this alone.  So I’m asking for your help!  This family needs some Christmas magic now more than ever.  It’s been rough for them the past year.  I think a Christmas miracle is exactly what they need to see.

Please help me give this to them.

We are aiming for a deadline of the 14th so that there is plenty of time for phase 2: shopping.


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Him

Posted February 11, 2014 By kmarrs

BPD Borderline Personality Disorder and LoveYou got the best of me
Rest of me
Tried and true test of me
I lied for you
Cried for you
A piece of me died for you
I wasn’t good enough
Understood enough
I knew I’d withstood enough
You took your leave that day
Slipped away
No words of goodbye to say
You left a shattered heart
Torn apart
Tears won’t stop when they choose to start

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Secrets

Posted September 6, 2013 By kmarrs

BPD and secretsWhat do you do with that one secret you can’t tell anyone?  The one no one knows and will never know?  How do you bottle it up?  How do you tuck it away?  How do you keep it out of your own head because you don’t want it there?  How do you find peace and quiet in your own head, the one place you can’t escape?

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A Pink Anniversary

Posted May 1, 2013 By kmarrs

I could have handled the sinuses.

It moving to my chest was to be expected.  For me.  Everything moves to my chest.  I have a great chest, after all.

But what I woke up to last Tuesday, the day before my 10-year-anniversary, was a bit much.

I woke up for my shower at about 6.  When I got out and went to lie back down to snooze and meditate, and just procrastinate on being awake (A vital part of my wake-up routine, I schedule it in.  This is why I have 4 different alarms spread between nearly 2 hours every work morning.) I realized I couldn’t shut my eyes, either one, without an intense burning sensation.  It was like the sand paper was covered in acid, as it sanded my eyeballs smooth.  I got a wet washcloth and pressed it hard over my shut eyes and that allowed me to keep them closed.  45 minutes later, I was fantastic and good-to-go.  Aside from the sinus crud.

As the morning progressed, I noticed my eyes were burning, and I kept losing vision.  In both eyes.  I could blink it back, but my vision kept blurring and getting foggy.

Granted, the foggy made sense when I looked in the mirror over my lunch break and observed the layer of snot covering both eyeballs.  Also, the pink and swollen.

Now, I don’t exactly have a ton of experience with pink eye.  I never got it as a child that I know of.  Only my middle little has had it of my 3, and his was so bad his eye was swollen shut.

But while I’m no genius and only play a doctor on the internet, if the eye oozes, you get thee to an eye doctor!  Thank nacho cheese god (a minor god… or major depending on your love of the cheese) for them being able to get me in same day, no notice.

Sure enough.  Thank sweet baby Buddha that it was bacterial pink eye and not viral.  I was only contagious if my eyeball made out with other eyeballs.  Totally killed its plans for the night but I kept it in isolation.  In my head. (That joke was officially taken too far.  I’m sorry.  Not sorry enough to take it down, mind you.  But sorry enough to apologize.)

I’m a baby when it comes to my eyes and putting stuff in them.  Contacts?  No thanks.  The puff of air during the eye exam?  First time in my life I consented, and only because I had a double eye infection.  Eye drops?  Only if I’m dying at it will be my only savior.

Well, guess what.  Pink eye?  I was counting the minutes until my next eye drop dose.  Oh, the sweet and instant relief.  Oh glory to the good stuff!

Granted, I did confirm I could close my eyes, drop it in the corner, and then blink it into place.  The good doctor suggested an extra drop each dose, then ordered me a slightly larger bottle.

Still.  Progress.

So yes, for my anniversary date, I was one hell of a hot mess.  We went to dinner and then played pool, with maximum strength sinus meds and eye meds in tow.

I was bringing sexy back!

Apparently the theme for this anniversary.

Because later that night, I brought sexy back.

And I ain’t referring to eyeball snot. *wink*

*wink*

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