Real Shit That Happens To Everyone Yo Archive

Nearly Died. Twice.

Posted June 17, 2017 By kmarrs

 

So.

Ok.

In something like March I was placed on Iron Supplements because my hemoglobin was a little low.  For women it’s suppose to be in the 12-15 range.  But mine was off a little.

Then in seemingly unrelated news, in early April. I had a bad night.  I thought I was just dehydrated severely, because I had really bad diarrhea. But “whatever the cause” I passed out twice.  Once while actually sitting down.  Full on blacked out and came to only after landing hard both times.  I rehydrated and took it easy the next couple of days, but went about my business.  Oh and my stool was black, but iron supplements do that, ya know?  Anyway, I had a doctor’s appointment in about a week and a half, I’d report all this then.  Couldn’t get in any sooner.  Nothing to fuss over.

But like those two passing out spells really knocked it out of me.  I was so fatigued.   And could hardly catch my breath.  But like I’m a fat chick and I’m always winded and the weather was nice so I was trying to be more active.  Walking more.  And well, fatigue is like an everyday thing with me.  This was more than usual, but I had just had a really bad health night so… Anyway I was seeing my doctor soon.  It would all get squared away.

So the big doctor day came.  I filled her in on all that and also my history or chronic loose stools that I thought had led to me passing out a week and a half prior.  She took all this in and it sort of made sense.  But she wanted some blood tests.  She needed to check on my hemoglobin anyway because I’d been on the iron for about a month and she wanted to see how that was going.  So I left the office with a new appointment for in a month, and went down the hall to the lab to get my blood drawn.  Thought nothing more of it.  And went home.

That night, right as I was crawling into bed at 10PM my phone rang.  It was my doctor’s office.  I needed to go ASAP to the hospital, no I couldn’t drive myself, my hemoglobin was at 6.8 and I needed a blood transfusion or two (hint I got 2) and they needed to find out why I was literally bleeding to death.

Anyway, to speed this up.  3 days, many tests, and lots of drawing blood and transfusioning blood later, I was sent home with the knowledge that the blood was coming from polyps in my stomach that had ruptured (and were treated), and my hemoglobin was back up to 9 something.  Also my antacid for my acid reflux was changed out to a protonix, that both helps with reflux, but will help prevent my stomach from bleeding anymore (laughs).  Oh, and I’m up to twice a day Iron Supplements because my hemoglobin is really low now.  But not dangerously low like it was.

so I take my meds like a good girl.  I go to the follow up appointment like a good girl.  I almost punch my doctor in the face like a good girl.  (long story)  I schedule an appointment for another month out.  This one was for this past Wednesday.  So like mid June.

The Thursday before that appointment I wake up, go to the bathroom, and am greeted by the very obvious signs that I’m bleeding again.  I sigh, email my boss, and get my husband to drop me off at the Emergency Room.  They check my hemoglobin, sure enough, in the span of about 6 hours it went from 8 something to 7 something to 6 something.  I wasn’t just loosing blood, I was loosing it fast.  Or had lost it fast, because they can’t find where it’s coming from.  This was the same hospital.  They had my history from my previous stay and are affiliated with my doctor’s office so they have my full work up.  They knew where to look first.  No sign of bleeding anywhere, other than, you know, the obvious blood loss.  So 2 more blood transfusions and they send me home.  Only this time I also got what’s called and iron infusion.  Which is basically the supplement liquified, tons of it, straight to the vein.

So here I am with the explanation that GI bleeds frequently heal themselves and I shouldn’t worry.  And oh by the way, the iron infusion I got at the hospital, and the second one I got as outpatient Friday, will make it look like I’m bleeding again, but I shouldn’t worry.  I know what symptoms to watch for when my hemoglobin is dangerously near death low, right?  Right.  But I probably won’t start bleeding again.  I mean why would I?

*turns and looks at the camera*

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Astounding

Posted October 19, 2015 By kmarrs

So in the past 2 weeks, I’ve taken 2 major tests.  One for stats and one for algebra.

In stats I managed a 97% that I’m very happy with.  My score for the class thus far is 98.26%.  I don’t see that shifting much.  I mean, it might go down a few point maybe, but in general I understand the material well enough.  So it’ll be stupid mistakes on tests that catch me up, if anything.

In stats I managed a 115/115.  Here is how that breaks down: 107 from the test, 2 points bonus (there was a bonus question on the test for extra credit) and 6 points “extra”.  So I had a feeling, but I emailed my professor about those 6 points, to see where they came from.  Well they, and I quote “came from [me]. Just say thanks and take a nap.”  Heh.  This professor and I have an interesting relationship.  She knows I’m openly trying really really hard and I am exhausted with the workload of 2 math classes.  She knows I’m being bullied by a classmate and used by the rest.  She herself is being bullied by the same bully.  She knows the bully is also cheating, but she can’t prove it.  I’m helping her there.  She knows I’m going to have to work my ass off to keep an A.  I was at a 90.17% before the test, but now I’m up to a 94.90%.  Honestly, I think she wanted to give me a perfect score because the entire class, in a not so friendly tone, was assuming I was getting it anyway.  I couldn’t be happier about that 100% if I had earned it the old-fashioned way.  Even so, it wasn’t handed over for nothing.  I did earn it.  Just not in the more obvious way.

I really could use that nap.  I only have half the homework load this week, thanks to the stats test being an in class test.  But I want to spend some time going over old material just to be sure I’ve really got it.  I’m not as confident as I’d like to be.  I did technically like 8 points, after all.

 

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It’s Probably Nothing

Posted October 12, 2015 By kmarrs

So I don’t really know what to say on this, or when the appropriate time to say it would be, if ever.  I’m just kind of at a point where if I don’t blog about it now, I may never, and I think I can work an important PSA into it.  So here goes.

On Wednesday, October 7, 2015, my husband found a lump in my right breast.  Well, not so much a lump, but a noticeable change.  I, of course, immediately made an appointment to have it checked.  The CPA that examined me said she was leaning towards it being nothing to worry about, but she did refer me out to a specialist so that we could all have peace of mind.

So on this coming Thursday, I will be getting my first ever mammogram.

At this point it’s more better safe than sorry than an actual alarm, but there is still a chance, however slight, that there is actually something wrong.

So I ask you to please, if you don’t already, check yourself regularly.  You are never too young, and things can spring up out of nowhere.

Ok.  Thanks.

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General Check-in

Posted October 7, 2015 By kmarrs

I know, it’s been a hot minute since I last posted.  I blame upcoming tests, school projects, and general course work load, but there has also been some gaming in there.  What can I say, it’s how I decompress.

And I’ve needed to decompress.

See last week, last Tuesday, I was on my way to class when my car’s steering column fell apart.  While I was driving the car.  Luckily I was in a parking lot going about 3 mph.  Because if I’d been on the freeway like 15 minutes earlier, I would have died.  That is no exaggeration.

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So… That image just kind of sums up my, well, year. At least the past few weeks.

School is going well, except for the plan to make friends. If I get an A in the one class I’m going to have to fight for it tooth and nail. So that has me stressed. I mean it’s a good stress. The kind I thrive under. I’m also just still depressed and tired.

But it’ll work itself out, right? It will. I just need to hang in there.

I may have already said this, but I’m in a one-on-one DBT with my therapist. I’ve had to miss a couple of weeks thanks to the car, but we’ll pick up where we left off. It’s good to have a refresher on the skills. I’m also in a point in my life where I’m the most receptive to it. So yeah, that’s going well.

I guess… I’m doing what I need to do. I’m taking care of myself. So eventually this depression will lift. It has to.

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I Don’t Really Hate Math, Of Course

Posted September 30, 2015 By kmarrs

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew, taking two math classes at once. Either way it would have been two classes at the same time, but I might have paired it better if only one class was a math class, and they weren’t both 15 weeks long. The next 15 weeks are going to be stressful.

The thing is, I know I can handle it. I’m scared I can’t, but that’s how I am. I never give myself credit.

What I don’t know is if I’ll survive this term with a perfect 4.0. I’m having to let go of some impossible standards. There are only so many times I can work a problem before I give up and admit defeat. Defeat isn’t the end of the world. It only feels like it is. Defeat simply means I need a little help and that’s ok. It has to be. I’m not perfect.

I’m not perfect.

Which the insane part is I long ago accepted I’m not perfect, and yet I hold myself to the standard of perfection when it comes to my academics. I know it’s because I know I’m capable of great things. But I’m still only human. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m human and I make mistakes. Or I simply don’t understand everything with perfect clarity. And that’s ok. The standard I hold myself to is an impossible standard and that standard is not ok.

I repeat, mostly to myself because I’m the one not listening, holding myself to a standard of perfection is not ok. It’s not healthy. It has me obsessing over every miserable point loss, and spending hours reviewing what I already know because I’m afraid I’ll forget something come test time.

I can’t do this to myself. I’m fighting a hard enough battle as it is, why do I insist on purposely making it worse?

I need to stop.

So.

So what if I get a B? That’s still above average. It’s a passing grade. It’s more than acceptable to any rational human being.

My perfect 4.0 won’t last forever. At least it’ll be better if it’s because I’m not perfect, verses not doing the work. I’m putting in the effort. It shows. I’m getting the vast majority of the material even. I’m just… tired? Not perfect. And in my mental and physical exhaustion I make mistakes,

I might even pull off an A in both class. All this stress over my GPA might be for naught. Either way, I need to just let it go. Accept what is and let go of what can’t be.

I just. This is hard for me.

All I am right now is a student. I don’t have a job to excel in. I have motherhood, of course, but that isn’t all I am. School is what is taking me away from my kids so I at least need to make the best of it. Be the best at it. No. Just do my best.

I need to do my best and accept that no one’s best is perfection. No one is perfect. I need to accept I’m certainly not the exception.

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Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and patienceIt’s funny how much in life we take for granted. It’s always there whether we chose to acknowledge it or not. Hell, there may come a time in our life where we even hide from it, refuse to interact with it, because we’ve forgotten how.

Have you ever run a mental health blog? I have for some 6 and years now. It’s always been there. At times I wrote in it a few times a day, every day. At time I checked in a few times a week. There were times when it was a few times a month. That’s basically last year. God, what a year! I should have written like crazy, but I didn’t. I forgot how. Or the pain I had inside of me was too much.
I denied my mental health blog, because I was experiencing too much mental health. Yeah.

Dear God, I took it for granted last year. At any point I could open it up and do as I please with it. Alter it. Write in it. Delete it.
I couldn’t even delete it right now if I wanted to.

All I wanted to do was have an image automatically show up in each post. I didn’t care where as long as it wasn’t a manual process that could be forgotten. After hours of searching and trying out different plugins, I found one that was highly rated and looked promising. And so I installed it.

And then a white page showed up reading, wait I can copy and paste as I have to write in a word document since it’s still there….

Add Custom Header Images requires a page titled The Headers with images and WordPress v3.4 or greater.
Return to Plugins Page

Fatal error: Call to undefined function deactivate_plugins() in /home/content/03/3798603/html/wtbl2/wp-content/plugins/add-custom-header-images/add-custom-header-images.php on line 61

I was, uh, on the Plugins Page, btw. In fact I get that message on any page. Turns out, I have to go in and alter the ftp and completely delete that file. Research taught me this. Hours of attempts and further research also taught me that the only person that has the access, unless I’m granted access, is my tech guy who hosts my domain on his server. Of course, since shit broke at 10:35PM, well, it was after his office hours.

I was so frustrated through all this, with myself mostly, that I literally shook for about 4 hours straight.

At about 2AM I wrote a pleasant email telling him what I done fucked up and how it needed to be fixed and would he rather make me a fts sign in, or go in and fix it for me real fast. I suppose it comes down to what is fastest for him, because I’m now an expert at how to fix it, when and if I get the access.

I know he’ll get the email within the next hour when he wakes. I don’t know when he’ll get to it as it’s Monday morning and he has a family and a real job to tend to.

Meanwhile I’m going to sit here and continue to freak out semi-needlessly, until I get the highly anticipated email.

After all, the stage is up perfectly. It’s only back stage that is blocked off. And I have posts scheduled to drop 5 days a week through till the beginning of March. So really, we have a month to get this fixed.

However, I swear if you are reading this by the end of the day Monday February 9, 2015, I will never again take this blog for granted.

I’m not sure I can keep up at the pace I’m at, but I promise I’ll keep shit going.

I promise you baby, just come back to me! *sobs*

I feel so sick.

Edit: I got my dashboard back at 9PM. It was a quick fix once my tech got in there. I now have the access as well just in case.

P.S. That image in the header of each post is of my own design and my own coding to get it there. Fuck plugins.

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