Pregnancy and BPD Archive

This Is It

Posted August 30, 2011 By kmarrs

Pregnancy and Borderline Personality DisorderIt’s officially August 30, 2011. In 8 hours I’ll be at the hospital being set up to be induced. Don’t know what will happen for sure when, but as long as this kid is out sometime tomorrow, we’re cool.

I should point out that if there are too many spontaneous labors I will have to wait. Hours? Days? I don’t really know. But I’m going to be optimistic. That said, that would be one set back I won’t argue. Lord knows I’d be pissed if I was in serious active labor and had to wait on a bed because someone was scheduled to be induced (and they hadn’t even gotten there yet).

So, that being said, don’t expect to hear from me for a couple of days. I hope to do a check in on the day I’m released, but this blog won’t be my biggest priority. Then again, I’ll want to post at least a pic and the basic stats, so I’m sure you’ll have something soon enough. Just don’t hold me to a date.

Also, that really cranky post I wrote whenever that was (I’ve kinda lost track of days)… It seems to have done the trick. I didn’t want to be mean, I just couldn’t hear those questions and comments anymore. Luckily the response I got was understanding and not anger. And it allowed me to give forth information when I was ready instead of when other people were curious, and that’s what I needed. Not that there was any info to really give. But with that having been the case, answering “no contractions” 15 times a day would have about killed me. Or rather, led me to killing somebody else. So avoiding that was really really nice.

So cross your fingers baby in about 12 hours or less, and on that note I’m going to go try to sleep, fail, give up and then clean something.

Oh! And should you want to follow along, may I recommend following me on twitter? If we are already facebook friends, my hubby will be leaving comments on my account from his where you should be able to find them if you look. But the best bet is twitter. Just keep in mind: I’ll be able to send in tweet updates from my phone, but my phone doesn’t have actual internet so it’s in text message form. Which means you can reply until you are blue in the face, as long as you don’t expect a response until after I get home.

Right. Sleep. Fail. Give up. Clean. BABY!

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The Boys and the Beginning of a Daughter’s Story

Posted August 27, 2011 By kmarrs

Children of Borderline Parents
Thomas was born at 36.5 weeks, according to official records. I have always had doubts about his due date for various reasons, but since 36.5 made him a preemie, it was more important to agree to that than argue, because that was significant information for future pregnancies if it was accurate. Though, him being a preemie (by 3 days) did mean there was extra staff in the room, they were never needed because he was just fine.

I was at work when I went into labor with Thomas. I had just finished putting together something I probably shouldn’t have been putting together for my department. While there was no heavy lifting, it was slight physical labor. Not long after, the Braxton Hicks contractions I’d been having FOREVER, became regular and I took notice. I timed for awhile and then gave my boss a heads up right before I phoned my doc. My doc did agree it was time to head in, so I called my hubby and away we went.

Once I got to the hospital, it was decided I was dehydrated and that’s why I was feeling contractions like I was. By that point they were headed towards intense, but I shouldn’t have been feeling them yet. However, I was far enough dilated that I warranted a room and they weren’t sending me home. So I got situated, was given an IV to hydrate, the contractions stopped being noticeable, and I slept through the night.

By morning, I was at the point where I was feeling them again and the doctor broke my water to speed things up, but it was still hours before it was time to push.

When pushing started, I literally pushed about 3 times and he flew out. No exaggeration. My first born, at 8 solid pounds, wanted out and once he had that little extra help from momma, out he came. There was no stopping him.

Nothing has changed, btw.

Children of Borderline Parents
Luke was born at 37.5 weeks. Again, like his brother, I had Braxton Hicks for weeks before his appearance. The final few days before he was born, while they were no where near regular, they were pretty intense and I was getting no sleep. So despite my plan to work until labor, I showed up to work one Monday and told my boss I could finish the day but then I had to stop. I couldn’t do it anymore. She never even hesitated in agreeing with me. She had from day one had been the protective momma bear type and she knew I was at my breaking point. And we all knew it was a matter of days before I was in labor anyway, so what difference did a few days early make? I think it also helped, that it lessened the chance of a dramatic water break at work. (Though once again my water was broken by a doctor.)

Sure enough, the day after I went on leave, I spent the day knowing this was it. The contractions were regular, but not yet close enough for most of the day. That evening, mom and I took a last minute trip to target. I think I finally settled on a diaper bag and I’m sure we picked up a few other odds and ends. Not really sure.

That evening, the contractions brought me to my knees and had finally reached that goal of 5 minutes apart or less, so to the hospital I went.

Just to be told I wasn’t dilating.

So I walked the hospital halls for hours. Walked and walked and walked. Every few minutes having a contraction that had me grabbing the closest whatever and making it impossible to breath.

But I still was not dilating. Not even a little. I was stuck at 2.

So I was sent home at around midnight, maybe, with a sleeping pill and was told the contractions would stop or they would see me in the morning. At that point, they couldn’t confirm I was even in labor. We just knew no progress was being made.

Let me tell you, there are some things even the strongest sleeping pill won’t let you sleep through. I spent most the night on my hands and knees half dozing, half wishing a speedy death (to me, not the baby). Finally by morning I had enough and went back. Thank god I was dilating and was quickly taken to a room.

It was still a few hours before it was time to push, and I did my best to rest while I waited since by that point I had my epidural, but I didn’t accomplish much sleep even then.

When the time came to push, I pushed and pushed and pushed, but I couldn’t give it my all. I was too exhausted. It doesn’t help that Luke, very much being my child, did not want to come out. (You should hear what I did to my poor mother 2.5 decade prior, for reference.)

Thankfully, he was just far enough along that they could vacuum him out instead of me having a c-section. Either way, it became obvious my pushing wasn’t going to get us anywhere.

He was finally literally pulled out and declared a healthy 6 pounds. To this day, I find it hysterical that my first born an 8 pounder flew out while my second born a 6 pounder refused to budge.

So now, my darling daughter.

Sammy dropped out of the blue at 36 weeks. Right in time to follow the 37 week average, her brothers had established. Not long after, the Braxton Hicks which had been amazingly missing, started up.

Almost a week after she dropped I had this appointment. That night I literally timed contractions for 6 hours straight. Here are those results. The following day, last Saturday, I had contractions off and on through the day, but nothing like the day before. By Sunday, they had full on stopped. It wasn’t until, I believe Tuesday, that they started up again, though just like Saturday they were random with hours in between.

Thursday at my 38 weeks appointment, it was still blatantly obvious that I was damn close, just not quite there. I was, thankfully, dilated just enough though at a 3.5, that my midwife offered to strip my membranes. While painful, it is harmless and can about half the time trigger labor for those who are close.

Thursday night, I was self confined to my bed by about 7PM. I was in some amount of pain. Membrane stripping can cause cramping and when added in with the baby being right there (which is painful… Whoever named it “lightening” needs kicked in the teeth because nothing feels heavier than the baby dropping.) and the occasional contractions, I was pretty miserable. I was also not in the mood to play “guess that pain” which makes timing things hard, so I decided it was in my best interest to sleep.

I slept for a few hours and then found myself awake. So I still mostly confined myself to my bed, and read for hours. Then I went back to sleep and dozed off and on until about 1PM Friday afternoon. Thank God I’m officially pregnant enough that my husband does not fault me for a day spent in bed. I think it helps that if I’m there, he doesn’t have to put up with my moody ass. Which is only getting worse as this pregnancy lingers.

At about 4AM, btw, the bloody show, showed up. Now, having had 3 episodes of bleeding prior in this pregnancy, my first reaction was , “Yeah right” but then considering the membrane stripping 12 hours prior, I decided I should take it seriously. I consulted the holy book of pregnant women and it confirmed what I thought: While it wasn’t time to call the doctor or head in, it was a sign things were happening. I went ahead and sent my mom and Pat (he was upstairs and I was hoping he’d sleep through it and find it in the morning since it could still be hours and I wanted him to sleep) a text to give them a heads up. Then went on about my business.

Friday at about 2-2:30PM the occasional contractions suddenly turned into every 4 minutes someone tried to both rip out my spine and tare apart my uterus contractions and they were lasting a solid minute. I went ahead and lay down for a short while to see if they continued, and they did. With them coming out of nowhere like that, I wasn’t wasting time. For weeks I’ve had it drilled into me that the 3rd comes fast. My midwife had said when the time comes, don’t waste time confirming with the office, just go. So I went.

When I got there I was dilated to 4. And showing signs that this wasn’t false, I was in labor. But I was not yet to the point where they could keep me. Labors can be long, and they do try to encourage mothers to do the part they can, at home. Better comfort and well, less time occupying a bed. I totally understand, really. Not thrilled, but understand. That said, with this being my third, they didn’t want to just send me home after the first check. I was sent out to walk the halls for an hour, and I did. To the point that my back still hasn’t forgiven me, I walked those damn halls that I had walked 3.5 years prior.

I was told when that hour was up, they were looking for any progress at all. More dilating would be nice, but thinning would work too. Or any sign at all that things were progressing and not lulled.

Nothing.

So they had me hang out for a bit so they could monitor contractions and present the full picture to the person making the decision. I was obviously in labor. There was no denying that. And this was my third which means things could go from slow to pushing, fast, so they didn’t want to send me home if they could avoid it.

But finally they had to give up, and home I went. With everyone knowing I’d be back in the morning, if not sooner.

I’ve been home for 5 hours now. And while the contractions haven’t stopped by any means, they aren’t progressing either. So I’ve been resting. Mostly to conserve energy, so that this isn’t a total Luke repeat. However, while contractions are take my breath away, though not quite drop me to my knees, intense when I’m sitting, they are still pretty mild when I’m lying down. They by no means stop, but they aren’t much of anything intensity wise. So I’m going to use my lying down contractions to gauge when it’s time to go back. At a 4 I only have to dilate a little further to nab my bed. Or thin some more. So not much progress is needed. Just something. Anything.

Of course, a good old fashioned water break would work too.

Meanwhile, I just need to keep telling myself, this is real. This is it. Slow and painful as it may be, the end is near. I just have to get to that point.

And finally, I leave you with this for humor’s sake:

Important life lesson: When your hubby is rushing speed bumps asking, “Are you in labor yet?” the correct answer is NOT, “No but you are welcome to try.” He will. And while yes, if it works, kick-ass you’ll be grateful… One should never have to ask, “Was that a back contraction or a spine relocation?”

And back to bed I go.

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The Times as They Stand

Posted August 20, 2011 By kmarrs

bpd and pregnancyThose who were following me on facebook and twitter last night, know that I started timing contraction at about 7:30 last night and kept on going for 6 hours until 1:30ish and finally gave up and said “Screw it, these aren’t going anywhere, I’m going to bed, and my body will wake me if I need to wake”. Well, here, for your eyes to behold, are the exact minutes of how my daughter tormented me.

7:35

7:47

8:08

8:12

8:23

8:58

9:05

9:11

9:16

9:24

9:36

9:42

9:52

10:01

10:06

10:19

10:23

10:37

10:45

11:05

11:22

11:37

11:54

12:06

12:09

12:22

12:25

12:30

12:42

12:48

12:53

1:04

There was another 1 or 2 between 1:04 and 1:30ish but by that point I was too disgruntled to mark them down, and not long after I flat out stopped paying attention.

You’ll note that there were a few times where it started to look like, “Hey! This might be it!” just to, you know, not be it.

I would also like to point out that 90% of those lasted over a minute with a few of them being the bring you to your knees type.

At no point was I looking for regular with all of them exactly 5 minutes apart. That can lead to home deliveries in some cases. I was just looking for most of them to be 5 or less. If I could just get to that point, I was dilated enough that they would keep me and break my water in the morn if I wasn’t progressing fast enough.

As it stands, it is 3:15 the following afternoon and I am still having contractions, but they are not the timing kind. They are “OH HOLY HELL” intense, just too far apart to bother paying any other attention.

PS

The sheet of paper is being framed and titled “Indecision 2011”.

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Really Long Pregnancy Update you WANT to Read

Posted August 19, 2011 By kmarrs

PregBellyOk. Today was the 37 week OBGYN appointment. I’ve never made it to the 37 weeks appointment, so I was kinda sad to be going. Anyway…

 

My blood pressure is a touch higher than usual. Which isn’t alarming, but I’m almost always the same, so the change was unusual. It was followed by a recheck 15 minutes later and was still reading the same. It was then followed by a million questions. She seemed satisfied with the answers so while we are keeping an eye on it and watching for other key symptoms, so far no real alarm.

 

I was asked by the nurse if I wanted my cervix checked. They automatically do it at 38 weeks, but offer it at 37. If momma has been having contractions and such, it’s worth the check. If not, it’s uncomfortable as hell, so they don’t make you. I answered the offer with an unhesitating “HELL YEAH!” (Fine, it was a polite “Yes please”)

 

I am currently at 2.5 centimeters and the baby is RIGHT THERE. I knew that about the baby, but hearing there is actual progress was very very nice. Granted, this doesn’t mean it will happen tonight (it could) it just means the torture my back has been putting me through wasn’t for nothing.

 

The “back spasms” have indeed been confirmed to be contractions. I was to the point where I was pretty sure of that anyway but it was nice to hear. At this point, they are still braxton hicks, but that can change at any point. She does agree with my lack of a frenzy in timing them. We both agree that I’ll know when to start monitoring and seeing as how every time I start, they immediately stop, I’m good to just follow my own logic. These may be very different than what I went through with the boys, but I have done this before, I’ll know.

 

We did discuss me being induced. I won’t know until Monday or Tuesday what time, but I will be induced on the 29. Which has me at EXACTLY 39 weeks. That said, NO ONE thinks I’ll actually make it to that point. It’s just being scheduled just in case. My, “the end is in sight” safety net.

 

In parting, I should point out that at 37 weeks and 4 days, I have officially been pregnant for this pregnancy longer than I was the other 2.  A record I was NOT really wanting to break.

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Back to Baby

Posted August 1, 2011 By kmarrs

Pregnancy and Borderline Personality DisorderI had to take a short break from nesting last week. I ran out of things I could actually do. But as soon as mom dropped off some boxes and picked up Luke for the weekend. I kicked me and Pat into overdrive and shit got done!

I boxed up most of my books so that I could move two bookcases into storage, and Pat set the crib up in their place. I also moved my make-up table into storage as well. We moved a dresser down into it’s place. This was all fun since both pieces of furniture needed moved down 2 flights of stairs. The crib was able to come apart and be put back together. The dresser, not so much.

Once the furniture was set up, nesting kicked in. I now have clothes in drawers, sheets on the bed. Blankets stacked here, laid out there. Things are pretty much ready to go.

I still have a small to-do list to tackle. I have 8 bins full of old clothes the boys outgrew to sell and donate. I was waiting for August to hit so I can sell closer to the changing season. Whatever doesn’t sell I’ll just donate. At this point I need rid of it. But I do want to try to make some profit from what I can.

I have a bag of bottles and binkies that need washed. Those are waiting to be done once the baby is actually born though. I’ll have dad take care of it while I’m actively in the hospital.

There is more to share. It’s stuff from my facebook. I’m torn between just copy and pasting or rewriting it. Since I can’t decide I’m just going to leave it alone. None of it is overly urgent anyways so, meh.

I’m kinda very meh these days. Not overly depression based so much as overly pregnant and exhausted. “I’m going to keel over if I don’t stop right here and nap even though I just woke up 5 minutes ago,” exhausted. Which is a sign of depression, I guess. But it is also a sign of being 35 weeks pregnant. We’ll reevaluate my mental health after I’ve had this baby. Unless something crops up and evaluation become necessary. Because for now, I’m too pregnant to be much of anything else.

Alright, I’ve decided on the facebook crap. Copy/paste it is. And you will like it!

There is a remote possibility that I may have experienced my first couple of braxton hicks today. Nothing overly exciting, other than it being the first sign that the child might actually be born this century. So, that’s a plus. ‎”Remote possibility” because they don’t feel like what I remember, but I know they can feel like a dozen different things, nothing from this pregnancy has been the same as the first two, and I’m not entirely sure what else they could have been. Just random twinges of something that wasn’t bad, just kinda there. Though with as many as I had with Luke, for weeks on end, you’d think I’d know when when I felt one. lol

There is by far nothing regular or overly exciting. Just the occasional something. I’m not even positive what the something is, other than it isn’t bad or troubling. Just something.

With both boys, I bought a baby book to fill out. TK’s made it about 6 months and then it just didn’t happen. Luke’s made it not even that long. So I’m wondering, do I even bother to buy one for Sammy? Then I decided: internet. Surely there is an online site where you can fill this stuff out. I have found a few and think I even found on I like. I’ll let you all know if it’s worth using! PS, it’s free until it’s time to actually get it printed, if you get that far. And then the pricing is based on how many pages. It seems nice. Plus, I can go back and build one for each boy, if I can remember enough milestones for them. If not, I’ll document Sammy’s but maybe not print. I don’t know. Details I can figure out later.

And what I’ve found is free to set up and fill out then if I decide I like it and keep up with it, it will be printed and bound, not unlike a photo book. It’s 40-80$ to have it printed, but it has a lot of pages and is personal, and that’s actually reasonable enough that I can live with it. The hard cover is completely personalized, it holds every possible milestone you could want from pregnancy to second birthday. (And if you don’t want it won’t leave a blank space, it’s like it never would have been there) and it allows photos all throughout. I think it’s what I stand the best chance of bothering with, really. Not unlike a blog, but it gives you a topic instead of having writers block. It also will send you emails reminding you, hey I’m here, which is a plus for me.

Alright, I think that’s it for now.

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Well Then, That Was Fun

Posted July 28, 2011 By kmarrs

Pregnancy and Borderline Personality DisorderWith today and tomorrow being the busiest two days of really, the past couple of months. And everything being highly important, nothing being able to be pushed back or canceled. Clearly today was a good day for my body to go, “You know what, let’s throw in a sign of early labor just to inspire chaos and add a trip to the hospital into the schedule.” Because clearly, that’s EXACTLY what we needed today. Though, at least it wasn’t tomorrow. (Fuck you universe, don’t go getting any ideas! Because unless there is literally a body falling out of me, you aren’t messing with tomorrow’s to-do list.)

So at about 10AM, just as we were getting to the rental office to sign our lease for the coming year, post kick to the bladder, I had to pee. Oh look. Blood. And not the thin pinkish/red spots like before. No, this was thick mucus that was dark reddish brown. I knew something was up, thought maybe sign of pending labor, but I haven’t had so much as a braxton hicks, so I was mostly unsure/calm. I also know, at this point, while blood can be a bad sign, it wasn’t like it was part of a miscarriage. So that added to the calm. We signed the lease, I came home and sent Pat on to his next stop: welfare. (Because while I knew there was most likely a trip to the hospital in my immediate future, if Pat didn’t make this trip to welfare, I wouldn’t have the insurance needed to delivery this baby. If push came to shove, there was always 911 if he wasn’t home in time and things became urgent. Otherwise, welfare came first.)

While Pat took care of his business, I called my OBGYN, packed a bag, gave a few people a heads up, and then sat down at my computer. Which by-the-way… never look up causes of bleeding in late pregnancy. While yes, one cause is indeed “bloody show” which means the baby is coming soon, other causes are a lot less pleasant and a little more OMG YOU’RE GONNA DIE! But then, that’s what the internet was invented for, right?

Pat was back within an hour and a half, and while dad watched the kids, he took me to the hospital.

By the time I got there, there weren’t any more obvious signs of bleeding. So that was a good sign. They hooked me up tot he monitor and confirmed that there weren’t any contractions. They did and exam and confirmed that while there wasn’t active bleeding, there was a definite brown discharge. And then they confirmed that I’m not dilating at all.

So all the means is, oh look there is something there but there is no labor and there is nothing wrong, so once again your body is just messing with you. April fools, in July.

So I’m home now. And “patiently” waiting out the next few weeks until this happens for real.

And honestly, while I want this to be DONE, I am grateful that it’s not happening at 34 weeks. Because while I’m far enough along that they won’t stop it, and the baby would most likely be fine, a little longer cooking would be awesome. Except for the part that OH DEAR GOD I’M GOING TO BE PREGNANT FOREVER. There is that, after all.

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