Then 2014 happened. I know I’ve been really super quiet the past 12-18 months. I think at some point it became an issue of “where the fuck do I even begin”. Plus I was going through so much emotional shit. I was a mess. But I was a mess in the process of doing what needed done to make myself better.
However, medication can’t fix everything. So let’s take a look at the pros (there are some) and cons (oh good lord) of 2014. Then my goal for 2015 will come tomorrow.
Pros of 2014
I am medicated. It seems a decent combo. I’m on an anti-depressant, like lest time. I’m on a mood stabilizer, like last time. I’m not on an anti-psychotic, but at this time it does not seem necessary. I have added an anti-anxiety, because it became necessary.
I have hair! Mind you, I was just fine with shaving my head. However, I reached a point where I decided I wanted hair again and I have worked very hard at making it happen. I have a billion hair things to keep it out of my face and the anti-anxiety helps a lot.
I am back in with Patrick. (Uh, this list is not in order of importance. Pat is more important than hair, about tied with meds.) I knew by Christmas of 2013 that it was a goal, but I was not ready for it. So even after we were “back” I still lived alone for a couple of months to sort myself out some. Plus it allowed us to fix what needed fixed while we were still in our separate corners. Additionally, it allowed me time to miss him like crazy which at that point was healthy and beneficial for the end goal of living together.
We have a house! We are renting it, but we can rent to own once ready. In the meantime we have a huge yard, privacy, and no shared walls. If something breaks, someone else fixes it. We are allowed to paint, hang photos, build a fence. Just as long as we can leave it how we found it should we move. I, however, plan to grow old and die here unless my finances really take off. The neighborhood is super quiet, minus the occasional air force jet or helicopter. And as of yet we have yet to be annoyed by that, because we’re still too in awe. Plus, most of the air traffic is during the day, not when we are trying to sleep. So we really don’t mind.
I completed a full year of school. One full-time trimester, and 2 part-time. This last one about did me in but I’m am still pulling straight A’s for a perfect 4.0 GPA. I was also invited to be an International Scholar Laureate and represent American business student in Hong Kong this summer. I turned it down because it had a 5-6K price tag that would not be covered by loans and aid, but I’m still honored I was even invited. It also led to the knowledge that there are generally a lot of programs like this some of which school aid will cover. So in a year or two I’m going to check out spending a few weeks studying in London or something.
You know what? I had the best Christmas I have had in a really long time. Pat and I hosted. His mother was here until she had to leave for medical reasons. Both his brothers were here. Our niece and a brother-in-law stopped in for a bit. My mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law was here. Pat cooked an amazing meal. There was love, laughter, and some really well thought out presents. I loved what I received, but I really loved what I gave just as much.
We had a young kitty follow my oldest home and then in the front door last November. He was clearly a stray as he was nothing but fur and bones, but he was also obviously use to people as he is a snuggler. So we named him Jeff, and gave him a home. Jeff has since made it clear I’m his human, which is odd as cats normally don’t like me. However, this cat is a wee bit obsessed. No complaints here. He sleeps on my feet when I’m working on my desk. He curls up with me in bed. And now that I mostly have him convinced that eating the toes of the human changing position under the covers is a bad idea, it makes for a very peaceful slumber. He is a bit of an asshole. However, he is my asshole and I didn’t know how badly I needed this cat in my life until he showed up. May he stay with me until old age.
Cons of 2014
My favorite uncle passed away. He was actually really sick for a very long time so this wasn’t a huge shock, but it still broke my heart.
We don’t have enough evidence to press charges, but there is every sign that my 3-year-old niece was molested. Which… She’s ok now, but for a while there she was pretty shook up.
My sister almost died of complete liver failure. As she has now made this public knowledge, I can talk about it. (I’ve wanted to talk about it.) She has been an alcoholic for about 7 years now and it took her liver. Where she was showing signs of not being healthy for a while, it was only this past year where it became enough for a doctor to really look her over and realize that it only would have been a matter of a few more days or weeks and her liver would have fully stopped functioning. She was in and out of the hospital over the course of the year. Especially the last third of it. She has been given blood transfusions, potassium, steroid, antibiotics, everything. She has been 4 months sober as of Christmas Eve and has stopped smoking (SO proud of her!) and the doctors have waited things out to see just how much her liver could heal on its own. See the thing it, the specialist who has taken a look says he doesn’t give a damn how much she drank in the past 7 years, her liver looks like it belongs to someone who has drunk heavily for closer to 30 or 40. So there is every sign that there is an underlying issue. However, they can’t find it. So they got her blood work looking good and all the meds in her and wanted to see how much her liver could heal with all their care, and no drinking. However, sadly, it just can’t heal itself enough. They had hoped, but truthfully aren’t surprised. However, they now know exactly where she stands so they can put her on the transplant list. The full day appointment with that team is coming up. They will run a million tests to make sure she is otherwise healthy and if she passes all that (she is young and is healthy aside from the liver) she will be on the list and will hopefully have her new liver in a couple of months. Maybe as early as January, possibly as late as March, but most likely we’re looking at February for that. This is scary as fuck because her body could still reject the transplant, but with her age and over all health,they think her prognosis is really damn good.
I lost the most important friend in my life (that isn’t my husband). Not because of drama, but simply drifting apart and my heart may never fully heal from this loss. I know we will always be there for one another in times of need, but as we use to see each other daily and we’re now down to a couple of text messages a month… It will just never ever be the same. My world has a big gaping hole in it now. A hole that not just anyone can fill.