Miscellaneous Mental Archive

Dark Place

Posted October 29, 2017 By kmarrs

I’m currently in a very dark place.  Money just got super tight.  Tighter than it’s been in a very long time and I’m terrified.

Plus school is currently kicking my ass.  Though my current class is about to be over.  I just have to watch a few more educational video, read one more chapter, and then write a paper.  Oh yeah.  And take a test worth 20% of my final grade.  *sigh*  I’m just super stressed.

After this class comes a management class.  I have not actually looked at it yet.  But it is the standard form.  No tests, just papers and most likely a group project.  I’m still at a point in my life where that is stressful, but it’s less stressful than this current class and I’m use to that format.  Most of the classes at my school don’t test.

After that class, which is 6 weeks long and ends December 12, I’ll have about 8 weeks off from classes.  That will be a much needed and welcomed break.  2 of those weeks will also be a vacation from work.  Won’t help the money situation any, but the entire university shuts down over the holidays, so I have no choice.  We’ll just have to make the best of it.  I do need the vacation, so that’s good at least.  I just hope the stress of losing more income, doesn’t outweigh the relaxation of a vacation.

So overall mental health wise… I have goals in life so I’m not actively suicidal.  But I would very much like to just curl up into a little ball and sleep until the world is a better and kinder place.

Also I miss my old cat that use to catch flies mid air and eat them.  I don’t… I can’t live with cats because they drive me crazy, but this fly is driving me crazier.  And it’s just… I’m already on the brink of a total mental breakdown, I don’t really need a fly pushing me over the edge.

But there you have it.

How can you help?

See the links to my books over in the left hand side?  Every little bit of additional income helps me out.  So consider purchasing one or both.  Alphabet Antics especially makes a great gift for the 2-5-year-old bracket.  That’s straight up money towards my rent and bills.  Never before has rent been in jeopardy, but starting now, it is.

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School and Mental Health

Posted October 18, 2017 By kmarrs

I’m way past due on an update, but there just wasn’t much to write about.  But I’m sitting here with time to kill, and I actually have something to say.

Having taken a good 5-6 years at my education, I’m still a couple years out from complete, but I’m running out of loan money.  And my loan money is essential for paying for my education if everything stays the same.  And by everything staying the same I mean me going part-time, mostly.

Let me back up.  Some of you know how Grants like the Pell Grant work here in America.  Let’s say, and this is a random number, you are granted 2000$ per term.  That’s great, but that’s only if you go full-time, or a full 12 credit hours.  If you go 6-8 credit hours, you get exactly, to the penny, half that.  Now at schools where classes run 3 credit hours, going part-time at 6 credit hours, is no big deal.  Your grants will generally cover this.  But my school the classes are 4 credit hours so I either take two classes at 8 credit hours, but get the grant money for 6, or I take the full 12 and get the grant money for 12.  Now you’re starting to understand why it is I took out student loans in the first place.  My mental health is not as such I can go full time easily, and well, loans also give us an extra 2000$ per term, roughly, to put towards things like bills, car repairs, or once a year Christmas.

Now that my loan money has run out, however, I have confirmed the numbers, and like it or not, starting next fall I start up full-time.  I do have 1 more term (Winter) worth of loan money left.  And I’m taking this summer off.

I’m.  I’m about at my breaking point.  Just stress and the pressure to perform.  I’m maintaining just shy of a perfect 4.0GPA and I’m well aware that to get into OSU’s psych program I need to not fuck up.  I mean really.  They are one of the top 25 schools for psychology in the country.  It’s going to be hella competitive getting in, and I’m not a shoo-in.  So I need to maintain perfect grades and that’s a lot of pressure.

Having this summer off will be a big help.  Plus since I’m still part-time I was able to schedule it so that I have a total of 8 weeks off, counting the holiday break, starting at the end of December into February.  That will be good.  2 of those weeks I’m out of work even.  So that will be really nice.

I’m just very tired.  And very stressed.  And doing my best to maintain mental stability, but some days it’s very challenging.

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Downward Spiral

Posted March 10, 2017 By kmarrs

I seem to be on a 4 year cycle.  At the cusp of the 4 years I spiral downhill fast into a really bad year.  Then I claw my way back out of it and have a couple of years of really good mental health and then a fourth year of decent enough but edging towards the cusp mental health.  Then rinse repeat.

I hate predicting it, because it’s like I’m making it true, but the pattern holds.  Every 4 years I enter a romantic entanglement as a means of escaping and trying to feel better, and in the process sabotage my relationship with my husband.  We separate.  Near divorce.  And I spiral further down.  The romantic entanglement blows up in my face, because it’s not a health relationship to start out with, and I fly back to a confused and hurting Patrick who eases my pain.

This time will be different.  First, I know my pattern and there will be no romance.  Even if there is, as Pat and I are now in an open relationship, I don’t have to sacrifice anything.  I can be open and honest with him, and trust him to guide me through treacherous waters.  I know this sounds unfair to him.  But it’s something we’ve come to together.  It’s far healthier than the alternative, and he’s wanted an open relationship for years.  So this isn’t just me.

As far as my spiral goes, I’m trying to head it off.  I’m in a healthy, low pressure job.  I’m kind of stuck in school, can’t take a term off, but the routine might be beneficial.  Also the shrimp project and the fish keep me mellow.  And the learning to crochet gives me distraction.  So I’m using my DBT skills.  So I think I’ll be ok.  It would be nice to make it through the next year without landing in the hospital.

Because I’m drawing ever nearer to the cusp.

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IQ You

Posted November 7, 2016 By kmarrs

On the 24th of October I sat the admissions test for MENSA.  I sat and failed, that is.

It’s been a lifelong goal of mine to join MENSA.  So this came as a hard break.  It’s not even that I’m not as smart as I thought I could be.  I don’t care as much about that.  I was greatly looking forward to the social opportunities.  And well, yes, I feel stupid.

I do feel really stupid.

And as I sit here trying to turn this into a long post I realize there is nothing more I want to say on the subject.  I mean I could explore how I feel stupid even though I’m not stupid but fuck that.  I don’t really want to talk about it.

So I’ve shared that I tried.  I’ve shared that I failed.  And now I have school work to work on.

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Tick Tock Goes The Clock

Posted December 23, 2015 By kmarrs

(Hah! Bet you didn’t expect me back so soon!)

I’ve developed some nervous ticks. Some twitches and shakes. I’m not entirely sure what that’s about.

I’m guessing it’s mostly me decompressing from what has been the most stressful semester ever.

Like before now, during the term, I was so stressed and under pressure that every molecule of my body was compacted together and afraid to move for fear of fracture.

Now that I can breathe easy again… After 15 weeks of being held together so tight, I’m now shaky. It’s like all that pressure disappeared at once and there is nothing left to stabilize me so I vibrate.

I dunno.

Mentally I’m stable. Tired. Weary. But well.

Just have a slight shiver of vibration to me.

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Five Days, Four Nights

Posted August 19, 2015 By kmarrs

This is going to come out very disjoined and just won’t flow.  I’m sorry, but that’s just how I am at this time with this topic.

I spent most of the last couple of weeks in July fantasizing about taking a few bottles worth of pills.  It wasn’t just a, “I wish I was dead,” but a full on plan.

When I tried to hospitalize myself in March, the hospital I went to was so sure it was just the stress of my sister’s illness.  They refused to take my own illness seriously.  When she got her transplant, and that stress was over, but I didn’t magically get better, I in fact got worse.  For awhile I thought it was just me needing more friendship in my life.  I made a new friend.  I chatted with the new friend.  I was ecstatic for like two days, and then the new friend excitement wore off and I still felt like I wanted to die.  Turns out I didn’t just need friends.

But being turned away last March left me with zero faith in the system.  I was “too smart to need hospitalization”.  Yeah, yeah.  I’m also smart enough to know exactly how to successfully kill myself.

So I called my meds doctor and I filled her in on how I was feeling, the extent to which I was suicidal, and why it was I was hesitant to go to the hospital.  I knew I needed help, but I also knew if I got turned away again I would go through with an attempt.  At that point all hope I had would be gone.

She of course pointed out the differences between the present and March.  For starters, in March as horrible as I felt, I was wishing I was dead, not planning it.  I also decided it would be wise to pick another hospital.  This time I went to OSU instead of Mount Carmel East.  Why yes, I am breaking my policy and I’m naming names.

OSU actually apologized for MC’s mistake even though they had nothing to do with it.  They full on told me that MC made a bad decision.  In doing so they didn’t just validate me being there in the present, but they validated my needs back in March.

I spent about 8 hours in the ER before they made the final decision and got my room ready.  There was never really much doubt in them keeping me, outside of my paranoia at the system.

While still in the ER, the consulting Psychiatrist and I discussed what exactly the stay could do for me, besides keeping me safe.  I finally admitted to myself and the world that the Cymbalta, my miracle drug, just wasn’t working any more.  We discussed alternative meds and I picked Zoloft because it would help with depression and my anxiety.  The very next morning I start Zoloft and they started weaning me off Cymbalta.  To say I was fast tracked is an understatement.  In 4 days I was taken off 120MG of Cymbalta and put on 150MG of Zoloft.  My body handled it well.

It was Friday July 31, 2015 that I was admitted, and I was released the following Tuesday.

And here is where I end this tale for now.  I of course did some writing while I was in there, and I’ll share that with you in bits and pieces over the next week or so.

Stay safe.

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