Luke Archive

The Walking the Borderline Weekender

Posted April 4, 2015 By kmarrs

Walking the Borderline Blog BPD Borderline Personality Disorder
I’m sitting here at 2AM on what is technically Saturday morning and my guaranteed weekly post is due to go live in 11 hours and I’ve got nothing.

Oh, I suppose I’ve got something but I spent 6 hours in the emergency room with my Lou-Lou Bear who had his first migraine headache today and it was a doosey. He’s ok. He’s sleeping now and has been for the past couple hours since he got home.

Meanwhile, I’m honestly not sure how I’m still awake. I think it’s just sheer acknowledgment that making it to bed requires energy I don’t currently have.

So this is my weekender. A tired sign-off for the week. A wishing of a happy holiday if you celebrate anything this particular time of year. A promise that I will figure out what I’m writing about this week between now and Tuesday. And finally, a promise I’m going to bed now.

Hope your week was bright, all. I promise mine could have been worse and I’m hanging in there.

Also: Happy birthday to my baby sister who made it to 28. May she make it to 29 and beyond.

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Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and emotions

This story was written a week ago and scheduled for today.  The moon in question is what Pat calls a “Valentine moon” and he’s been watching for it for a long time.  Now on to our story.

Pat called me while out to tell me to look at the moon: big, low, full, white, and beautiful.  I went out to look and was taken away by it, but was also in awe how clear the sky is tonight.  As we have little light pollution, we can really see the sky out here.

I immediately gathered the kids, including Sammy who I wrapped in a blanket, and took them out to see it all.  Sammy is always asking me to show her the stars, but it’s almost always too cloudy, so I basically rose the boys on my way to my daughter.

Once we were out there, she loved it all but it was Lucas who piped up with new-found knowledge.  He admired the moon, then immediately pointed out Orion, complaining he couldn’t see the sword.  Then I turned around and pointed over the carport and sure enough, he immediately recognized one of the two dippers.  We couldn’t see enough to know which one.

Coming back in I set Sammy down so she could go back to bed and she pulled my attention square on her and thanked me for showing her the stars. (I’m honestly starting to tear up here.) And I got down on her level, wrapped her in my arms, and told her that, that was “what life was about”. And it is.  If you aren’t waking your kids to show them the view like what we had tonight, you’re doing it wrong.  I don’t care what time it is and if it’s a school night.  Wasting the view we had would have been a waste of a life.

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Usually I can build these posts weeks ahead so I don’t forget and end up missing a week.  But lately, everything is starting to look redundant, and I have the sads, and I’ve actually been catching up on some reading.  So this week, instead of a Tumblr or Pinterest chuckle, I’m going to share what warmed my angry heart.

bpd and parenting

Someone got his first pair of glasses and looks super handsome in them, if I may say so myself.

Then one fine day, my head got a little diddy stuck in it, so I’ve decided to share the results.

                    bpd and parenting
Don’t let that look of innocence fool you. She is smarter than you and uses it for pure evil. PURE EVIL.
Huh. I feel like I should have a photo of my oldest here.

Would you like to see him scowl at the camera or simply glare at the camera?

Yeah. We’ll leave this post cheerful.

bpd and parenting

Ah, yes. An older one but I do love it so!

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We all go through life hearing many things about ourselves.  Telling ourselves many things about ourselves.  These little facts.  These little truths.  These little half truths.  These little falsehoods.  These statements that shape how we see ourselves and how we feel about ourselves.  These words are adjectives.  And sadly, all too many are negative.

People will take the time to tell you that you are: annoying, stupid, ugly, fat, crazy, failing, etc.  Whether it’s actually true or not.  (We usually believe it either way.)

How often do people take the time to tell us the good, great, amazing things about ourselves?

Those adjectives, especially when meant, are called validation.

And validation is really fucking important.

I have decided to raise my kids on validation.  Oh, they are by no means perfect, as no one is, but they are still going to grow up hearing all the amazing things about themselves.  They need to know that in an imperfect existence is still beauty, that isn’t even hard to find.

Also, I am known for a temper that I take out on those I love, so they at least need me to counter that with a ton of validation.

So all three of my kids, whether they roll their eye or not, get a regular dose of validation.  Some days I even make them repeat it back.

You are smart.

You are pretty/handsome.

You are silly/witty.

You are special.

You are important.

You are loved.

You are valued.

Of course, that sometimes bites me in the ass.

Like the time Sambam wanted some treat or such there was only one of, meaning her brother would be left out on.  I informed her she wasn’t special (opps mom!)  She called me on it and informed me she was too special!  So I paused, took a deep breath, and agreed that yes, she was special, but no more or less special than her brothers.

Children with Borderline Parents

The Sun Shines Out Her Bum

Also, there was this gem from tonight that while vain, tells me she is at least listening.

Me: See you tomorrow baby!
Sam: See you tomorrow momma
Me: I love you!
Sam: I love you too
Me: You’re beautiful!
Sam: I know

It has to be noted that lack of validation in childhood and the young adult years can be a huge factor for someone developing Borderline Personality Disorder.  I can’t help but be aware of the gene pool my kids were born into, but I can counter it the best I can.

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Hear My Plea

Posted August 29, 2014 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder and financesWe officially have the keys to our first house. It’s rented, but it’s magic. I have wanted a house for the kids for over a decade now. And this house… It’s a 4 bedroom ranch with two bathrooms. Finally enough room that we aren’t tripping over each other just to move around. (We’ve been in a 5 bedroom for the past 6 years. The 5 of us.) The backyard could be classified a park it’s so big and it’s on a non-active air force base. We’re in the old base housing. We actually got an officer’s house. And we’re a 5 minute walk from the airport itself, right down from where they park the Apaches. My boys think they’ve died and gone to heaven. Even the most hesitant of them, Lucas who has only ever know this house and is timid and sensitive, is in heaven. Sambam is just in aw. It’s like she’s been left alone in a candy/toy store. Her favorite part is her closet, she insists she’s going to sleep there. I share the sentiment, it’s been a long time since my clothes haven’t hung from a pipe in the basement. I asked Thomas what the best part about leaving this house was and he waved his arms around to indicate all of it. It’s taken us over 11 years, but Pat and I have finally been able to give our kids what we’ve always wanted for them. I don’t even care it’s rented; that means if shit breaks, someone else has to fix it. The neighborhood is safe, the schools are great, I want to die of old age in this house! We can rent to own so that might damn well happen!

Here is this problem: This very first month, with the costs of moving, and some new financial sources not yet kicking in, we are in the biggest financial pickle we have ever been in. I am asking, hoping, wishing that those who might be able, to kick a buck or two or whatever you can our way. We are desperate. This money wouldn’t be covering shit and giggles, but the essentials of life. If you can help, please visit the donation button to the left which will go straight to my paypal. It’s always been there as a thank you for running this site, and as a little extra something which people have very kindly occasionally offered. But now, I really need it there. If you can’t give, please know we understand and love you all the same. We accept happy thoughts, crossed fingers, and blessing of good luck on this next stage in our family adventure, just as gratefully. There is also the option of sharing this cry for help with those you know? Only if you are comfortable with it. But sometimes, just sometimes, magic happens. And we really could use just a little more. (I’m not lying, this house is pretty magical.)

Photos you ask?

Bpd and home

The front of the house, which needs some work but we’re happy to. Thrilled to!

Bpd and home

The back yard! I assure you: Sambam and I have already twirled barefoot in that grass. Skirts swirling, heads dizzy, hearts, glowing, mouths laughing.

Borderline Personality Disorder and finances

Ah there she is, exploring our first ever covered parking. We’ll finally be able to keep the kid’s bikes at our place, chained to those pillars. But the neighborhood is perfect for afternoon bike rides.

I truly love you all who come here. Please know that. And I thank you all for every visit. For every comment ever left. And for any outcome from this post.

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A Girl and Her Protector

Posted August 22, 2014 By kmarrs

Children of Borderline ParentsMy Samantha and her “Lou-Lou” have always had a unique relationship.  It is a step beyond your typical brother-sister relationship.  They are buddies, but it’s more than that.  It’s almost like a twin bond, but they are years apart and that still isn’t it.

A recent example of this is the recent discovery that when she wakes in the early morning light, but isn’t quite ready to face her day, she breaks out of her room (There is a baby gate up that she can get past easily but it’s there as a visible boundary that all children need.) and crawls into bed with him until the day begins.  Last night there was a fierce thunder-storm and I fully expected her to land into bed with me, but she didn’t.  So I went to check, and sure enough it was Luke’s bed she sought safe haven in.

I have always believed that we all have more than one soul mate.  Some are meant to be life-long lovers.  Some are meant to be life long friends.  Some are meant to come in like a force and leave just as fast, but having played an important life changing role in the eye of the storm of their coming and going.  I can name a few of mine, I assume I have more to come.

I have truly come to believe that my Lucas and Samantha are soul mates.  In a way, they way they act around each other it’s like they are in love, but in a strictly non-sexual way. (Come on, don’t go there.)  They just have this love and need for each other that is fierce and knows no ends.  They find comfort in each other when scared.  He protects her like it’s his sworn duty, not caring that mommy and daddy would be just as happy, nay honored, to protect her.  His patience with her is a patience my Lou-Lou is not well-known for.  She can get away with things their big brother could never dream of.  When he is in deep need of his personal space, and quiet not letting anyone in, there she is by his side.  She doesn’t seem to have to ask to be let in, she’s just in.  Sure, she may not know the worries of my troubled little boy, but she seems to know how to treat them.  Hell, maybe she does know.  They’ve shown signs of being able to read each other’ minds.  You jest, but we’ve made the hive mind joke more than once around here and it’s eerie at times.

I am curious to see how their relationship forms over the years as they mature, and it matures.  However I’m willing to bet it will only get stronger.  She may not always need to crawl into his bed when the midnight storms scare her, but I’m betting if she does need to, he’ll simply role over.  Then as they’re grown and separated by more than a hallway, well… I can honestly say that thought breaks my heart.

My Sambam and Lou-Lou are one of a kind.

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