Jesse


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Right now, after 9 really long, hard years, things are finally really starting to look brighter.  It’s been a constant battle to be where we are and even so, there is much room to improve.  So while I gladly accept what progress we’ve made, here is what I would like to see happen in 5 years.

In 5 years, we hope to be where we were aiming for all along.

In 5 years, our youngest will be on a bus headed to school each morning, and not returning until that afternoon.  A fact I’m in denial about because OMG MAH BABY but, this will allow Pat those hours to do what he wants to do.  Instead of putting full energy into kids, he will be able to focus on home more like he wants.  (He does awesome I want to add.  There is still only so much he can do.  The kids are the primary focus.  As they should be.)

In 5 years, with the kids gone during the day, Pat can focus on writing.  For years he’s wanted to start and work on a project.  He’ll have that chance.  The home can wait. ;)

In 5 years, we will be in our home.  However this current house hunt, and whose name the loan is in turns out, we will have taken it over by then.  Or gotten a different place fully in our name start to finish.  We will have properly paid back Jesse whatever we end up owing him from this process.  And we will be putting money towards our mortgage, not someone else’s.  Jesse is wonderful, awesome, beyond words.  But I don’t want to be indebted to him for the life span of a 30 year loan.  I will be indebted to him soul to soul for eternity, but I don’t choose for money to be involved longer than is necessary.  We could not do this for another 5 years without him.  We need to do it now.  He is graciously making it happen.  I will never stop being thankful.  In 5 years, things can be switched around and we’ll be, not even because there is that soul debt, but financially I hope to be square.  Besides, then he can turn around, buy yet another house, and make an investment killing.

In 5 years, I will be somewhere in my career.  I can’t say where because my path is unclear, but I don’t see that as a bad thing.  An opportunity to take a not previously known path will appear in the next few years, I will take a chance, and it will be glorious.  But I won’t know that path until I reach it.  And I am enjoying the stroll along the way.  There are lots of violets along side this trail.

In 5 years, school will be further along.  Honestly?  I don’t hope to have much beyond half a year’s worth done.  I don’t choose to rush it because I’m enjoying my kids while I can and focusing on work.  But I’ll get there.  And in 5 years I will be further along.  I have to be further along.  At the very least, I hope to have my master plan further defined.  2-year business management followed by a 4-year economics is still looking mighty grand, but how long ago was it that I was planning photography? Then, math/English/combo shot?  Then psychology?  And while all of those still sounds so perfect for my spirit and feeding my soul, I have to look at what will pay the bills, and what I can finish before I retire, not after.(Economics would do that AND still feed my soul.)  So for now the plan is the 2-year management followed by the 4-year economics.  But, 5 years from now is a ways away.

In 5 years, this diagnosis bull-shit with my boys will be out of the way.  Or at least for this stage of their life.  I don’t expect perfection, I just want a better family dynamic and better learning and growing opportunities for them.

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Karen: Jesse you are a tie breaker
you are the person who decides who is normal and who is fucked up. Are you ready for this?
can you handle the power?
are you even there?
Jesse?
Sent at 9:14 PM on Thursday

Jesse: Wat

Karen: ok

when you get a song stuck in your head is it being sung in your voice -OR- is it being sung in the artist’s voice with musical accompaniment and all?

Jesse: The way I last heard the song

Karen: so you hear the artist’s voice and the background music?

Jesse: Yep

Karen: wow

same as Pat sorta
it makes the vote even again

Jesse: Lol

Karen: when you didn’t answer right away I asked my mom and she said she hears the song in her voice, like me

Jesse: Nuts both of you lol

Karen: Pat currently has “my humps” being sung by Frank Sinatra with a 5 piece band backup, heavy on the trumpet, stuck in his head

both of us? try you and him!
you are the ones hearing voices not your own.
I’m going to have to take this to my blog, I think
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This enterprising Linux user wrote a script that rhythmically opens and closes the CD tray on a tower PC; the CD tray is connected to the baby’s rocking seat. As the tray cycles, the baby rocks. Lovely.

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Jesse: Your picture of TK in the swing would look awesome if there was no tan pole lol

So I fixed it

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Writing a book should not feel like pulling teeth. This shit is hard work!

The problem is I can get the bones of the book on paper easily, but filling it in with meat is tragically impossible. My memory just doesn’t work properly.

But I’m determined to do this. I’m determined to make it work. I’m determined to see this through to the end.

If for no other reason than to spite Jesse.

Fuck you Jesse, you win.

That is, after all, why he said those hurtful words to begin with.

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Writing a book should not feel like pulling teeth. This shit is hard work!

The problem is I can get the bones of the book on paper easily, but filling it in with meat is tragically impossible. My memory just doesn’t work properly.

But I’m determined to do this. I’m determined to make it work. I’m determined to see this through to the end.

If for no other reason than to spite Jesse.

Fuck you Jesse, you win.

That is, after all, why he said those hurtful words to begin with.

5

My stomach hurts. I think it’s from the booze I drank last night. Not too much I had to drive with the kid in the car. Not even really enough for a buzz. I’m not sure why I bothered. I would have been better off taking my meds, which I had to skip to drink. So note to self, don’t bother drinking anymore. Not worth it.

Still doesn’t make sense that my stomach hurts now. I never get a belly ache from booze. So maybe I’m just hungry or ate too much party food last night.

I went to a party last night. Magical Skate turned 21. It was a fairly calm party for a 21st birthday. There was booze but it wasn’t obtrusive. And it was a good mixture of adults, kids and little kids. So it was more like a semi-large gathering.

I had panic attacks, not handling the crowd. I’m still shaken up from it. Which is one reason why I’m dreading work tomorrow. Tomorrow.

My stomach is really bothering me.

And I feel really shaky.

I didn’t sleep last night. I tried and tried. But I just had trouble. I had very vivid dreams when I did sleep. So it was anything but a rested night. Pat was going to let me sleep till noon but by about ten I couldn’t take it anymore and come upstairs.

I tried to smother myself again last night. Clearly it didn’t work. I didn’t really think it would. I don’t know why I keep trying.

I need to get some bread into my belly. I keep coughing and almost throwing up.

Some mother fucker ate the last of the bagels without taking the rest out of the fridge.

I keep burping booze.

I didn’t even drink that much.

So not worth it.

Teddy Grams. I have teddy grams. I should eat some of them. They are good on an upset stomach.

Teddy grams are the shit. I don’t know why I say it like that. I’m too not cool to use lingo like that.

Jesse said something hurtful last night. Really really hurtful.

me: writing a book is hard

My memory is crap so remember the fine detail needed to fill in paragraphs and pages it hard.
Jesse: Chances are you wont make it very far, nobody does

I should take my morning meds. I could use the Ativan.

I had a lot of panic attacks last night. At one point I went into one of the unoccupied rooms and cried. I don’t know why. It was right after my old boss put me one the spot about how I’m doing, when I’m going back to work, and if I’m ready. Not Brenda. She knows better. She uses tact and watched my body language to see if she’s going too far. She’ll laugh when she reads this. Brenda and tact don’t belong in the same sentence. But still, she goes at it gently like a mother. Jeff put me on the spot and shot off questions fire squad style.

I don’t know if that’s why I went off and cried.

I had a couple of good days. I’ve had a couple of bad days.

My stomach is feeling better.

Luke is napping. When he wakes up we’re eating lunch and then going to the park. Pat and Thomas are going to fly a kite. Luke is going to get some much needed run around and climb time.

Luke is afraid of grass. You sit him down in grass and he screams as if you are boiling him alive. It’s as funny as it is pathetic and is it sad. He’s isn’t in danger so it’s ok to laugh. But not too much. Only a little laughter is ok.

I think I had best shut up now.

Now I’m burping Mt Dew. Progress, I has it.

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