Him Archive

Isolation Part 4

Posted August 10, 2015 By kmarrs

BPD and the Broken HeartYou know what? No! I’m not so desperate that I need to campaign for a friend, which is basically what I feel like I’ve been doing for the past week. I am a kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loyal friend that will do literally anything for those I care about. If he has to think that over, then well, clearly he isn’t paying attention and isn’t worth my tears.

There have been a lot of tears.

He couldn’t have handled them anyway.

And now I’m down to, well, I will always have the lesbians. And a crippling amount of anxiety and introvertedness that will probably keep things that way for a long time to come.

Isolation

To Be Continued

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Isolation Part 3

Posted August 7, 2015 By kmarrs

hope love and Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Part 1

Part 2

Remember that best friend I made and then lost around the time Pat and I blew up the second time? I’m calling him Clyde to respect his need for privacy. We’re back in contact. It’d been a full week even of texting back and forward. (This was the same week of the good-bye to my almost lover, actually.) I put on the table that I wanted to be friends again. A fresh start. He’s thinking about it. I guess we’ll see what he says.

I know in my heart that I haven’t been the same since he swept in, and then exploded out of my life. He was the perfect best friend and now there is this bestfriend shaped hole in my heart, in my world, where only Clyde really fits. I can honestly say I love him to death. Not romantic love, he isn’t my almost lover. No one could replace my almost lover, but no one could ever replace Clyde either.

I’m also going to be honest and say that if we become friends again, I think it’s inevitable that we’ll sleep together. First I doubt that chemistry will disappear just because time passed. Also, for me, I’m… Once I connect with someone mentally and emotionally, like I have with Clyde, it’s only natural to me to sleep with them. That’s one reason my marriage is open to begin with. Mind you, this doesn’t happen for me with many people. I can still count on one hand the number of people I’ve slept with in my life, but Clyde… with him I’m not asexual. Never have been and I doubt I ever will be. I’ve never really learned how to tame down lust as I so rarely feel it. So yes, it’s inevitable I’ll sleep with Clyde if he’ll take me back as a friend. But he’ll be my best friend and while it may not be romantic, I do love him to death, so it’s ok.

To Be Continued

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With All Due Respect

Posted June 26, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder and FriendshipI’m coming to a point in my life where no matter how desperate for friendship I may be, I don’t have time or room in my life for bullshit. I don’t have time to worry over and miss someone who claims to want me in their life, but can’t be bothered to make time for me. If you can’t even bother with an occasional text message, then I need to move on. I don’t care how deeply I care for this person or they supposedly care for me.

I don’t have time to worry over a casual friend that has to complicate every transaction. We could be great friends under certain conditions but conditions are starting to sound like work and there is only one condition that should really matter and that’s the one they draw the line at. Aka rules for a friendship are bullshit other than needed boundaries. I set up a boundary, however, and suddenly I’m complicating things. Uh uh. I don’t have time for these games.

This last one, however, is hard.  This person really got me and I could talk to them for hours during the lonely hours at night.  Then they made a couple of posts that were kind of racists.

Now, stepping back a second, here is a little clue about me: I’m all about tolerance.  I view all people on this earth as fully equal no matter gender, race, sexuality, religion, age, or anything else.  The only thing I’m not tolerant of, is other people’s lack of tolerance based on these thing.  Aka I don’t have patience with homophobes, racists, or sexism.  The only thing that effect equality from one person to the next are personal actions.

Meaning:

Very recently someone I would consider to be a terrorist went into a church filled with black people, listened to the sermon for a while, and then opened fire killing many.  That terrorist gave up his freedom to have certain rights and those black people are now unquestionably better than him.  Not because they are black, but because of his actions.

I think this is fair.

Now, this friend posted a couple semi racists things.  Or, more accurately, she liked and commented on them and they showed up in my feed.  I was highly uncomfortable with it, but as she hadn’t until that point otherwise shown signs of intolerance, I wasn’t sure what to do.  I suppose I could have let it go, but that thought gave me a bad feeling in my belly.  So I decided to come out and ask her about it.  My aim wasn’t to accuse, but instead to test the waters and see how she really felt.

The thing of it is, I’m not exactly good at beating around the bush and tend to be rather blunt.  So while I didn’t come out and call her racist, at first, I did come out and ask her how she really felt.  I learned, and then I called her racist.

She needless to say was not thrilled with this assessment, which I can’t honestly blame her, and I walked away from the conversation to better assess how I felt.  The two primary questions being, can I respect someone who is racist, and can I be friends with someone I don’t respect?  Then she openly attacked me via messenger.  One simple line that burned through to my soul.

I have not spoken to her since, but I did receive and email a day or two later.

It opened with an attack on my mental health (aka my black and white thinking).  Then it went on to what could be considered a well constructed apology.  Or at least to start with.  It was essentially the I’m not racist because I have a black friend argument, but a lot more in-depth and respectable.  I easily could have read that, understood where she was coming from, and regained some respect for her.

Then she ended the email with this: “You really don’t even deserve an explanation.”

Well ok then.  You no longer deserve to be my friend.

I know I don’t have much to offer, but… wow.

With all due respect, I’d rather be alone than surrounded by those that cause me pain.  A hard lesson I’ve had to learn over the years.  I’m not perfect but I try really hard at being a good friend, and I deserve someone who recognizes that, respects that, and puts equal effort into it.

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30 Days of the Truth: Day 3

Posted November 2, 2010 By kmarrs

I stole this from here. I’m not going to be able to strictly follow their schedule. I already missed the first few days and they are off schedule themselves, for that matter. But I like the idea so I’m going to give it a go.

The idea is that every Monday and Wednesday, though I already have a regular post Wednesdays so we’ll say Friday, you go through the topics and post the truth about yourself. So here we go.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

This is a hard one for me because I don’t believe in regrets. I instead choose to learn from everything.

My first impulse here was to say the Andrew thing. Most of you are going “huh? what Andrew thing?” and well, we are leaving it like that. I’m not rehashing the whole thing here and now. I went over it once before in this blog. If curiosity is getting the best of you, go search for it. It’s near the beginning. And that’s all the attention I’m going to give to that topic.

I’m not going with my first impulse. The second impulse is not going to college when I had the time and the money. Instead, I got married and had kids. And I love my family. Very much. But I would be better able to support the family if I had finished school.

I forgive myself because I didn’t know what I wanted to be back then. Fuck, I still don’t. I most recently wanted to go to school for photography, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that photography won’t pay the bills. So I’m going to come up with a plan d and move on to it.

When time and money permits.

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BPD And The Daily Life

Posted March 13, 2009 By kmarrs

I can only write this from my perspective, of course. I can’t tell you what my family goes through. I don’t know what my friends experience. I could guess, but that would be it, a guess. But here is what I go through.

The following is going to be bits and pieces of coherent, we hope, thought as it comes to me.

First is the rage. I can literally see the switch in my head flip from peaceful to ready to explode. I only wish there was a visual clue to those around me. But I fill with rage in an instant and it just explodes out. I’m not violent with it, though that is an impulse I fight every second. My only real hope of it never getting that far is to find the right combination of meds.

From there, impulses. They vary. Everyone has basic impulses. Gut reactions. Instincts even. The thing about my impulses is that they can be very less than helpful. The impulse to quit a job because of a hard day. The impulse to hurt myself because of a rough week. I am very lucky that I’m through the job quitting phase. Everyone I’ve left have been for a solid reason. But each time it was the final straw impulse that put me there. In my current position I’ve had my tough times and I’ve talked myself out of quitting several times. I’m just lucky my love of the job is stronger than my impulse for self defense that leaves to the “I quit”. As for the impulse to hurt myself, that started right before I was in the hospital, and it ended before I got pregnant with Luke. It lasted not even 6 months. I’d say 3 or so. And I don’t plan to do it again. Another impulse that isn’t worth it.

Not all impulses are that extreme. Most of them are standard not thinking before I think or act. A lot of it can be brushed away as minor. But words and actions do hurt. And not everyone is so quick to forgive. Or worse yet, years of verbal impulses can chip away what patience there is. And I see what I’m doing. I know the pain. But I’m powerless to stop it. I honestly don’t know what I’m saying till it’s out of my mouth. I know, I know… think before you speak. I’m getting better. I wouldn’t be married otherwise. Here’s the kicker. I can usually convince myself something is harmless or can be explained to harmless in the 2 seconds it takes to think before I speak. I’m not usually right though.

Splitting is I think one of the worse parts. Imagine your entire world is black or white. Black is evil. White is godly. Everything is one of the 2, no half and half, and NO gray. That’s splitting. It mostly pertains to people.

I’m going to get the Andrew aspect out of the way here. He for the longest time was my first and only gray. I saw the good and bad in him at the same time. It’s been awhile. He’s mostly black now. I’ve spent a long time convincing myself of that. I don’t know if I can or could still see the good in him. I don’t want to. I’m happier seeing him as black.

Pat has been flip flopping between the 2 for years now. He can flip 10 times in one day, or he can go days or months before a flip. It has a lot to do with how we are treating each other. One minute he can be making me dinner and he is white as hell. The next minute he used instant mac and cheese, not the regular, and he’s suddenly evil. True story. My defense? He knew I wouldn’t eat the instant shit, why did he bother making it? Currently he won’t let me bite his neck, so black. Just teasing. But this will make him laugh when he reads this.

Not everyone is one or the other. Doesn’t mean they are gray. We’ll call them transparent. I don’t think there is a better way to describe it.

And my kids we’ll call rainbow. It’s like a whole different way of thinking.

As for myself, I’m usually black or transparent. That’s just how it works.

There is so much to add but I’m done for now.

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The Who is Not a Band

Posted March 10, 2009 By kmarrs

Back when I first made this I was afraid to let my hubby read it. Not because I had any dark secrets, but because I needed to be able to rant and have him not read about it. And that’s a great theory. But I’ve come to realize 2 things. First off, most of what I need to rant about he should read. If not so that he can fix it or do better, then to allow him to be aware of my influences. Second, I fully expected to rant about Andrew, the who. But a couple of months have passed, and I’ve toyed with delving into that, but in the end I have limited interest.

So here’s that situation in a nut shell.

Pat and I were having marital issues.
We separated and were headed for divorce.
I met Andrew.
Andrew and I started talking.
We started talking a lot.
We became good if not best friends.
Feelings formed.
Feeling grew.
There were a couple of dates and some messing around.
I feel in love with Andrew, to an extent that still scares me. (Because I don’t recall falling like that for anyone else yet I have so it shows how selective my memory is.)
Pat begged me to take him back.
I gave him a chance.
I was hospitalized from depression.
I realized in the hospital I didn’t want to be married to him so I told him such.
He moved out of my mom’s house where we were living.
I started things back with Andrew.
I had sex with Andrew.
I moved in with Pat.
Not because I thought things would work, but because I was a mess and needed Pat’s help and not while under my manipulative mother’s roof.
Somewhere along the line I realized that while I wasn’t infatuated with Pat like I was Andrew, I still loved him, he was my best friend, and I wanted to grow my family with him.
I decided to make my marriage work.
Things ended with Andrew.
We don’t even talk now.
And I learned that the person I fell for, is not who he really is.

Is the made up imaginary Andrew built in my schizotypal mind a threat to my marriage? Not really, I’m happy with Pat. Even on our bad days, I want to be with Pat.

Is the real Andrew a threat to my marriage? Not in a million.

Am I still sensitive to his existence? Yes, and I hate it. But I just can’t get past being uncomfortable with my husband talking about my vibrator over vent to Jesse, Andrews brother, with Andrew listening. And it isn’t because I don’t want Andrew to hear. It’s because the entire situation throws me back in my memory of past conversations that I really don’t want to think up. Not because I wish for them. But because I’d really rather leave the memories in the past, where they belong.

It flat out doesn’t help that Andrew will never be able to be fully out of my life. His brother is one of me and Pat’s closest friends. Andrew and Pat are acquaintances. There is no full separation. So I get thrown into memories almost daily in a way I really don’t want to be. I don’t like it. And I’m hoping it eventually stops. I just tell myself daily that it wasn’t real. None of it was real. I was just a cheap thrill. LOL I’m thrilled I can say that and think that and not care. Because it means I really finally don’t care.

Pat, is understandably, paranoid.

And it is one of my biggest goals in life, right after happy healthy children and a successful career, to show him that he never need worry again.

And that’s the rant. Only without the rant. So that’s the bleh? I’m not angry or hurt or frustrated anymore. I don’t regret, it served it’s purpose. If nothing else, it lit a fire under Pat to fight for me and that brought along changes that needed to happen for us to stay married. With the added bonus of me discovering parts of myself long past forgotten.

I don’t love Andrew. I don’t like Andrew. I miss my former best friend, but even that person is a figment of my imagination. And has since been filled in with much better imaginative friends.

So the question is, do I give Pat the link to this? I vote yes. I have nothing to hide.

Pat says the more I even mention it, the more it gives him right to be paranoid. And I do realize he’s right. So maybe this entry will have him in tears of hurt and frustration. I asked for it. But maybe a few bits and pieces of it will show him where I’m coming from a little bit better. Either way I’m done talking about it.

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