Gender Archive

Surgery

Posted April 29, 2019 By kmarrs

On May 9th I am getting something called an Endometrial Ablation. Which basically means they are removing the lining of my uterus. If all goes as planned, this means I will stop having a menstrual cycle.

The official reasoning behind this is my anemia. I’ve already had a tubal ligation, meaning I can’t have anymore children, so there is no medical reason for me to continue to lose blood every month, especially while suffering from anemia. This is a legit concern. So we’re putting a stop to it.

What it means for my gender dysphoria is off the record and not a concern. But considering a lot of trans people in my position go for full hysterectomies, if not full reconstruction…

What I’m doing is fairly routine and an outpatient procedure. I’ll only miss one day of work, and that’s because I couldn’t schedule for a Friday.

I’m, like, really excited for this surgery. I’m so sick of losing blood every month. It’s such a useless process at this stage in my life. Gender dysphoria not withstanding…

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Dysphoria With Presentation

Posted January 21, 2019 By kmarrs

This was a Tumblr post I wrote about 3-4 months ago not long after I sent that email to my family I shared with you.

So this whole coming out as nonbinary thing.

Like… I present female.  Not because I consider myself female but because pants are bullshit and dresses and skirts are just a million times more comfortable to me.  I don’t wear makeup.  I shave my head all the way down to fluff.  But I still wear a dress or skirt 95% of the time.  I actually only own one pair of pants that fit me.

And like… I feel like I’m not valid calling myself nb because I am afab and I look like a girl and I may never try to pass as nb other than maybe top surgery.  But even then I’m not sure if I want to go all the way flat or maybe just down to a B-cup.  (I’m very top heavy.)

I just feel fake.  Or more accurately I feel like I come off as fake even if I know in my heart I’m not a girl.

And further, how do I… like my parents…  “Ignore the skirt.  I’m not a girl.”  Like they aren’t of a generation that will understand that some men wear dresses.  So I don’t know… I feel like my mom is thinking to herself, “It’s ok.  She still wore a dress this weekend.  She’s still you daughter.”

I just don’t know how to present myself as valid.

Maybe… are like, men’s pants more comfortable?  Is that what I’m doing wrong?  Shopping in the women’s section?  I don’t mean mentally more comfortable.  I mean physically.  Because pants are kind of really bullshit.

I will say I feel a little bit better since then. For Christmas my dad got me Doc Martins combat boots that are waterproof. I intended them to be winter and yucky weather shoes, since the keds I normally wear aren’t weather resistant or friendly. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d be able to wear the boots all the time. My feet are all fucked up from the fibromyalgia so it’s really hit and miss (mostly miss) with shoes. I wear the keds with everything because they were the only shoes that were really comfortable. I have a pair in white and a pair in black. But anyway, I put on these boots and it was like magic. Not only are they comfortable, but I feel… not feminine in them. Like they add an edge to even the softest of dresses.

I think I’m also going to get a handful of flannel shirts and add them over the dresses and just… I realize it’s a butch lesbian look and I’m not a lesbian, but I think it will help.

I’m not aiming to look like a boy. And I don’t think I’m going to stop wearing dresses and skirts. Pants are and forever will be bullshit. I just want to… rough up the look. I dunno. Gender is confusing and gender presentation is even more confusing. I’m basically making this up as I go along, trial and error.

Trial and error.

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Max: A Coming Out Story

Posted January 14, 2019 By kmarrs

The following is an email I sent to my immediate family around October. This was after I’d had one-on-one conversations with everyone. I’ll let the email tell the story.

Hey all,
So the end of the year is fast approaching.  When the new year comes I want to start using my new name (Max) and new pronouns (they/them).  I know some of you might not feel fully comfortable with this, but I’ve spent much of the past 34 years uncomfortable with my name and being female has never sat right with me.  It’s not something I have been open about.  I didn’t know how to approach the subject even inside my own head, much less with others.  I thought that because I wasn’t a boy either, I was just some weird girl.  But now that I know that it’s possible to be neither, I suddenly understand myself in a whole new way.  I’m nonbinary.  I’m a mix of boy and girl and neither.  I feel like Max is a better fit for me, and they/them are my true pronouns.
I know and understand that this will take some getting use to.  That’s why I’m making my intentions clear well in advance.  This way you have a few months to practice before the new year.
I understand that after the new year, you will probably still default to the old way and I may still get called by my birth name.  That’s fair.  But I am asking for honest effort and willingness to correct yourselves and each other, whether I’m there to hear it or not.
There are parts I’m still struggling with, namely my roles in my relationships with those I love.  I’m Pat’s spouse.  Pat has already been getting used to this shift for a bit now.  I will remain mom to the kids, however, not because I take on a motherly role, that’s always been Pat, but since I carried them for 9 months each, I wear that title like a badge of honor.  This might change in the future though.  We’ll see.  Rachel, I’m torn between being your sister and being your sibling.  Sisters in itself is a type of relationship that defines us.  At the same time, part of me really prefers the genernutralness of being your sibling.  Who knows, maybe we can work together and come up with a third option.  Mom (and dad) I know you say I’ll always be your daughter.  But honestly, I never was your daughter.  Your child, but not your daughter.  But at the same time, I need my relationship with you both, more than I need an accurate title in the family.  I’m putting my foot down about my name and pronouns but other than that, I’m picking my battles.
I love you all.  Please consider this over the coming months.  Work through what you need to work through.  I suggest calling me Max in your heads for awhile before you say it out loud.  The silent practice is less startling than the out loud practice and it gives you a chance to privately get used to this.
Also, I’m not making this name change legal anyone soon.  Right now Max is technically a nickname that I strongly and stubbornly prefer. 
Sincerely,Max

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Sexuality marriage and BPDI, for so many years, have known my husband and me to be a complicated mix of male/female with neither one of us fully subscribing to our assigned gender. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always gone back to him when I’ve left: I know no one else can complete me like he does.

With the post on my sexuality still pending, I had him read it and then asked him to expand upon what he thought his gender alignment to be. After a long talk it came to the agreed up conclusion that the old joke that “he is a lesbian trapped in a man’s body”, was not far from the truth.

You see, he really is at this point transgender. He was assigned male at birth, but relates more to the female gender. He’s not going to bother with a sex change, though, because he’s never seen a point, and he has a wife who is happy to let him be his inner woman. His sex organs are what they are, and as for “he/him” as his pronouns, he’s too lazy to bother caring or try to get us to change it.  Also, he doesn’t consider it insulting.  Never the less, he doesn’t really like being called a man, but he keeps that battle inside, and is glad “Pat” is so androgynous.

Should he have gone through the change, he would for sure be a lesbian. And no, that does not just make him a straight man. True gender is in the heart, not the parts.

Meanwhile there is me who doesn’t really feel like a woman, but doesn’t really feel like a man either. I’m not agender.  I’m just me; a mostly woman with definite girl parts, but both male and female feelings and character traits. I’m just me; a panromantic, asexual, demi-girl, and I love my lover no matter the parts or pronouns.  Because Pat completes and complements my gender in a way no one else could.  We were able to give each other children.  He is strong where I’m weak.  I’m strong where he’s weak.  Put us together and we are whole and one in a million.

For any number of things could have preventing us from meeting at that LARP game that Friday night. Instead, the stars aligned, the heavens took over, we met, we became friends, we feel in love, and we became what each other needed in a lover.

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