#fiercelyhappy Archive

New Therapist

Posted January 17, 2019 By kmarrs

We’ll start with the old. I saw my old therapist, Cindy, off and on for some 12 years. I was pregnant with my middle little when we paired up and I started DBT. It was right before I got pregnant that I was diagnosed with BPD. And he’s turning 11 in just a few days so almost 12 years seems pretty on the nose.

And Cindy was/is great. She specializes in BPD and DBT and I adore her. I would not have the skills I have now, if not for her.

But I’m at a point in my life where one of the primary things I want to talk about in therapy is my identity of being queer. (Which is how I choose to sum up my sexuality and gender identity.) And Cindy is not afraid to talk about me being queer, but she has no experience with it personally or with people in her life so she had no practical advice to offer. She had great listening skills, but I need a little more.

So I did a literal google search for trans therapists that are local to me and I found Ruby. I don’t know if she herself is trans. I honestly can’t tell even after a session with her (which is fine) but I do know she has a Master’s in Gender Studies and gender queer people in her life, beyond her own experience. (She did say she is queer. It just hasn’t been defined out. Which again is fine. I don’t need her life story beyond the generalization that she’s qualified in this topic and issue.)

Additionally, she’s also fully versed in BPD a lot like Cindy is. So I’m not completely sacrificing whatever help I need with BPD, just to have someone whom can relate to gender issues.

Anyway, as of now I’m going to start seeing Ruby every Monday after work. My first session was this past Monday, the 14th of January. And I want to talk about it. Not the details of what we talked about, though I will sum it up, but instead the general feel of it all. Why Ruby is the perfect fit for me.

She was just coming in from being outside when it was time to start our session. So we go into her rented office and she starts going around the spacious room and turning on a dozen floor and table lamps. No harsh overhead florescents. Nope. This isn’t a sterile office, this place has a living room feel. There are comfy places to sit with an abundance of pillows and blankets. Rugs on the floor. A play area for children. Huge, wall conquering book cases filled with books. This place just immediately felt like home. Which, as nervous as I was, it put me at ease.

After she turned on all the lights, she sat in her own comfy chair, bent down, and took off her boots revealing fun cat socks. Like. There are just no words. I picked her off this long list of therapists that I found because she was friend shaped. I was delighted to discover that she specialized in what I needed her to specialize in. But the initially what made me go to her website, off the list, was that she just looked warm and friendly. Warm. So warm. So to have her kick off her shoes, which is honestly my person aesthetic, was revoltionary. I didn’t know therapists could do that! From now on, any new therapists I try out, if they don’t kick off their shoes, then they just aren’t for me.

The office. The no shoes. I just felt really safe.

Moving on, though I could spend another 5 paragraphs talking about the no shoes and fun socks…

I’m pretty secure in my gender identity now so while I wanted someone who specializes in it, it won’t be the main focus of therapy. We talked about that some. Most the session was just a brief outline of who I am. Standard first session shit. But we did discuss the goals.

My main objective is to deal with my anger issues I’m finally admitting I have. I… when I’m frustrated by my kids or spouse I turn red with anger and before I even realize I’m doing it, I start yelling. All the fucking time. I don’t want to yell anymore. I need to replace it with something, I don’t know what because the kids don’t listen. But I don’t want to yell anymore. It’s just not how I want my home life to go. So over the next however many weeks and months, Ruby is going to help me learn skills to stop the yelling, and parenting skills as to what I can do in place of it to get the kids to listen.

Cindy probably could have done that for me. But now, with Ruby, when gender issues are on the forefront of my mind, I can bring them up and we can tackle them as a team. It’s not the primary objective of therapy, but it’s still a thing that can coexist.

So every Monday at 4 I’m in therapy with Ruby, who works out of what could easily be a living room, if not for the insurance agent across the hall, and who kicks off her shoes to reveal relatable socks. I’m… it’s a good way to spend my Monday afternoons.

I should have kicked off my own shoes. Next time.

And then after therapy I have a standing dinner date with my dad. Which will make for a long day, but it lets me avoid rush hour traffic in getting home (therapy is on his side of town, my house is decidedly not) and I really should spend more time with him anyways. So this is good. I get home 10 hours after I left it and exhausted, but that’s just how it is sometimes.

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Love

Posted January 24, 2018 By kmarrs

First, I’m going to remind that Pat and I are in an open marriage.  We are both polyamorous.  There are many reasons for this, but it is a mutual decision as to what works best for us.  I’m not going to list all the reasons.  I’m not going to sit here and defend it.  I’m also not going to tolerate shit for this post.  I’m happy.  Pat is happy.  That’s all the matters.

I have a girlfriend.  She is magical beyond compare.  She isn’t local.  She lives a couple of states away.  We met on Tumblr.  She is… there are no words.  I love her very, very much.  She is sweet, kind, loving, compassionate, and beautiful inside and out.  I’m very lucky to have her in my life and to be loved by her.

I’m not going to go into great detail about who she is.  She isn’t out to her family.  So by vague blogging, I’m looking to protect her.  But you don’t need her details.

Just… I’m so excited to have her in my life.

Pat, of course, knows about her.  He has no complaints.  I’m open and honest with him about everything and make sure that in my excitement for my gf, that I don’t neglect him.

Also, online relationships are hard.  Internet hugs just aren’t the same.  But I hope to go and visit her this May.  A few details need to be worked out and it may not be possible.  But I so very much hope it is.

I love her.  My heart grew when I met her and learned to love her.

 

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Heathers

Posted March 28, 2017 By kmarrs

So in me Business writing class there was this girl.  We’ll call her Heather.  Because that was her name.  Anyway, Heather was the biggest bitch to me.  Not just in general, but directed at me directly and to my face, in front of the entire class.  She was the biggest bitch.  It all started when I accidentally outed myself as genderqueer.  She suddenly singled me out and was really nasty.  So that was Heather.

Anyway.  For the second half of this class we had a business proposal we were working on.  I chose to write a proposal to my landlord requesting permission to install a little free library in my front yard.  With these business proposals we needed to have a primary research source.  This is an interview or a survey that we conducted ourselves.  I originally decided to reach out to those who ran their own LFLs and ask them some questions.  But of the 12 surveys I sent out, I only received 1 back.  Meanwhile Heather was bragging that she was conducting a survey and was sending it to 500 people.  Bragging and bragging.  So I decided at the last-minute, 4 days before the paper was due, that I was going to run an online poll.  I needed at least 30-50 responses to be statistically sound, but could I beat 500?

I have limited reach on Tumblr but I have powerfully popular friends there, and I told them about my project, and I about Heather, as a means of explaining why I wanted to smash 500 surveys into the ground.  Tumblr appreciates a good arch nemesis story.

Here are the results.

I had 4760 people take my survey.  The best part?  Turns out she only sent out 100 surveys and she got about 65 back.

Gotta say Heather, this doesn’t look good on your part.

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The Collective

Posted March 8, 2017 By kmarrs

Sitting on my desk, is my third aquarium.  It’s a 5 gallon and it’s empty, save for being freshly planted.  I still need to cycle it, which can take a good month if not two.  But once it’s done I will have blue velvet shrimp in there.  I am, SUPER excited about this.  I’ve been wanting a shrimp tank for a while.

I tried to house them in my 20, but things went downhill when I got pneumonia 6 months back.  My tank was overstocked, so when I didn’t keep up on water changes, the chemistry went bad and the shrimp, which are super sensitive to these things, died.

But I learned my lesson.  Water changes every Friday or Saturday no matter what.  And it’ll all be ok.

Anyway, I’m piecing together the tank bit by bit.  I just got the plants in.  It’s scaped to be sort of  a full wild jungle feel.  They are in orderly rows, actually, but as they grow it’ll be more out of control.

There are five different kinds of plants in there.  Don’t ask me to name them.  I’m not good at plant identification.

I plan to kick-start the cycle process by adding ammonium.  I have it on order and it should be here sometime next week.  Then it’s a patient game of water changes and daily chemistry checks.  I’m not looking forward to it.  But if I don’t do it, the shrimp will just die.  So, I have little choice.

Once done I’ll buy 12 blue velvet shrimp and call them The Collective.  Because why not.

Meanwhile life in the 10 and 20 goes on.

The 10 gallon is now home to a nerite snail as well as my betta.  There were two snails but one of them died.  I’m not entirely sure what happened.  I know my betta was really upset about the invasion of the snails, but I’m fairly certain betta can’t hurt these guys.  I also upgraded the filer to a sponge filter, which is super exciting for my, and the betta both.  The flow of a sponge filter is much more gentle and betta prefer that.

The 20 gallon was out of control with its sunburst platy population, so I took them all back to the store.  Well, all but one.  I somehow ended up with an albino one, so I kept him.  That done, I was only at 68% stocked so I had the option of adding more fish.  I bought a pair of blue gourami.  Now they are male and female, but they are egg layers and the fish, snails, and filter will eat all the eggs, so I don’t have to worry about out of control babies.  I named them Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy.

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Walking the Borderline: The Psychology Patient

Posted April 7, 2016 By kmarrs

Looking for a great read?  Look no further!  I finally finished edits on my book and published over the weekend!

You have your choice between a kindle version and a printed version.  Both are super affordable.  Both are a product of my heart.  You can’t lose no matter which you choose!

 

Walking the Borderline
Walking the Borderline: The Psychology Patient Paperback $19.99

 
 

Walking the Borderline
Walking the Borderline: The Psychology Patient for Kindle $3.99
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Phish

Posted April 1, 2016 By kmarrs

I would like to apologize, because this is not a real post.  It’s a filler post until I can get real content up.  I have real content in my inbox ready to go, but I’d like to post it on a normal day at a normal time so it’s a tad more planned and not simply thrown up.  This, this is throw up.  And it’s about fish.

So.  I had a 10 gallon planted tank with Betta Davis (a betta fish) and Kenneth Mars (a clown pleco aka an algae eater).  Well… I didn’t do my research.  I listened to the pet store girl who said that the pleco only grows to about 4 inches, and is perfect for a 10 gallon.  Half right.  They only get to be 4 inches, but the amount of waste the produce is insane.  You need a 20 gallon for them, bare minimum.

So.

I took my first paycheck from this new job and I met my obligations, then I took the rest to the pet store and bought a 20 gallon tank for Kenneth.  I’d already ordered more plants I was going to house in the 10 gallon, but I’ll put them in the 20 instead.  I can buy more plants for both later.

My next mission, next payday, is to buy a dozen small fish to live in the 20.  I’ll want to leave Betta Davis alone, but as Kenneth basically lives under his drift wood, you’d think the tank was empty if I didn’t put something in there.  I’m thinking a dozen neon tetras.  Alternatively I’ll do a half-dozen each of neon tetras and zebra danios.  We’ll see.  None of them are overly expensive.  So it comes down to whether I want 2 small schools or 1 large one.  I think my daughter would like the variety of 2 different schools more.  So I might go with that.

Technically in a planted tank the plants are supposed to be the focal point and the fish are just, well, there.  That’s why I’m going with a dozen cheap instead of a couple of fancy, expensive ones.  But we’ll see.  Once I’m in the store who knows what will happen.

Ironically this all just started with a plan for a single fish, Betta Davis, with Kenneth being thrown in to keep the algae down.  Now according to my research, once my tank(s) find its balance, the plants themselves will keep the algae down because they’ll pull all the nutrients.  Go figure.

And thus, this project will go from 1 fish, to 2 fish, to 14 fish.

But at least my heart is super happy, even if my husband is less than thrilled.

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