BPD Is A Bitch Archive

Confidence and BPD

Posted March 19, 2015 By kmarrs

Parenting and Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and Self Confidence
I look at my daughter and see a world of confidence and can’t help but wonder if I had even half that much confidence at her age.  I know by the time I was 7 or 8 it was gone, but what about before that?

My daughter, if anything, has too much confidence.  The first instinct is to say not possible, then you reflect on ego, and second guess yourself.  The thing is, if she has this much confidence as an adult, yes, she might be a tad bit annoying.  Right now?  Well, it’s still annoying.  But…

She has her first bully to live through.  Middle school to survive.  She has not yet felt her first heart break.  She has yet to be teased for wearing Skechers when Nike is the brand of choice that month.  (Don’t worry, daughter, you’ll be ahead of the game when Skechers take their turn the following month.)

She has many years to come of people tearing her down before she becomes an adult, and I imagine it won’t fully stop there.  I can only hope that she has half the confidence at 23, as she does at 3.  If she does, I will have successfully raised her to be a confident adult.  Hopefully validating will help build that confidence in her.  And while I don’t want her to be egotistical, confidence makes for a strong individual.  A woman, or man, who knows what s(he) wants and how to get it without hurting others.

Where does the line between egotistical and confident lie?  I’m not quite sure.  However, I’m also raising my kids to know that we are all equal, no matter who we are.  Neither race, gender, sexuality, religion, nor social economical class makes anyone better than anyone else.  Hopefully, the line between ego and confidence lies in there somewhere.  As does knowing where strengths and weaknesses lie.

I have found, though, that for every weakness you point out, you need to also add two strengths.  It is a lot easier to shatter confidence than it is to shatter ego.  That is what I’m going wrong with Thomas.

Myself?

I lack confidence so deeply, that I struggle to hear anything positive about myself.  Be it a result of my illness, bullying, or lack of validation, I don’t know.  I just hope to help my kids be the opposite of myself in all the way it counts.  Because I have to tell you: I would rather my daughter be egotistical at 33 than the confident mess her mother is at 31.

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The BPD Mountain of Stress

Posted March 16, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and stressRemember that mountain I was climbing? The top was recovery?  The bottom was the hospital?  Well, I landed on the roof of the hospital not too long after the post went live.  And god I wanted in those doors.  I wanted admitted.  I wanted to feel safe again.  But, we couldn’t really afford it.

I was, however, given the green light to drop classes this semester.  It increased the stress over money, (Care to donate?  The button is to the right.  It’ll go to things like electric and gas.) but the stress over trying to pull off school was actually worse.  I was so stressed I was losing my ability to concentrate and function as a human being.  And I just couldn’t advance my education through that.

Am I dropped out for good? Hell no! But for sure the rest of winter semester and maybe summer semester as well.  I’ll have to pay back on my loans some, but if David, the Brother-in-law that lives with us, gets the job he’s talking about, that will still be less stressful than trying to focus on my education.

So I’ll take something like nine months off, including what I’ve already taken, which will be spent bettering my medication cocktail, spending time with my sister and seeing if she’ll survive this failing liver issue, and rebuilding a friendship I thought I had lost.  Hell, maybe it is lost for good, I don’t know.  I’ve been told something will be figured out, but we’ll see.  If I do have that friendship back, however, I’ll have an essential part of my personal support system back in place.  So we’ll see.  If he is loss, then I will have mourned and healed by then.

Altogether,  come August or September, I plan to be ready to reenter the academic world, ready to take names, kick ass, and keep my GPA where it’s at.  I do love learning and school, even if it is stressful at times.  It just needs to be about the only major stressor.

Which is good, as I might owe the school a couple thousand due to the timing of me dropping.  That part is still being worked out.  Ideally they will let me pay it back with future loan money.  Or a payment plan, or it will be forgiven.  Who knows.  It’ll be decided.

My academic advisor knows the full situation and knows this isn’t me being lazy but my life exploding in my face, on top of my debilitating mental health issues.  He also has access to the grades I’ve pulled off.  So he is going to work with financial aid for me, and they will come to a solution.  So I’m choosing to not worry about it.  Even a payment plan is less stressful than what I was going through just a few days ago.

The ugly cry automatically triggered by going to the school site, was a clear sign that is was time to give up pretending I could school.  So was the cutting.

So now, I’m not without stress, but I removed what I could, so I can better focus on healing from what I can’t.

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no
So.  Someone found my blog via the search term “The BPD Fuckbuddy” and my first response was “No.  Just… no.”  Then I thought on it more, and while my answer is still no, there is a wee bit more to it.

First off, using us because we can sometimes be easy lays, is just not nice.  It’s also unethical if you are conscience of what we’re doing.

Second off, may any god you believe in, be on your side when you try to end that relationship, because that won’t be fun for anyone involved.  I’m telling you now, we take the ending of any relationship rough.  And by rough I mean fire and brimstone upon your house.  And if there is awareness that you were simply using us?  You’re going to need a higher power to intervene on your behalf.

Even if we knew going in that their were no strings attached and it was only fuckbuddies with no future, there will still be hell come the end of things.

So no.  Just no.

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How My BPD Effects My Asexuality

Posted March 12, 2015 By kmarrs

asexual and BPD Borderline Personality DisorderI will never, ever say my mental health has any factor in me being asexual, panromantic, or a demi-girl. Just as my sexuality (and crew) doesn’t make me BPD, bipolar, anxious, or any of it. There is no correlation between the two, but one will sometimes affect the other. So let’s be clear: it’s not a cause and effect, but there is a deviance exception.

See, people who have BPD are known for being impulsive, including in bed. In addition, people who are in a manic, can be a bit hyperactive with sex. So while 90+% of my life I’m asexual to the point it’s kind of really gross, I make an exception for Pat because he wants it and there is a heightened emotional connection and blah blah blah.  It’s still really ew, though, in general. I mean, you are putting one nasty dirty part inside another nasty dirty part and then swapping fluids filled with bacteria. And then some people? Put mouths down there? Makes me kind of want to vomit. And by kind of I mean OMG you people are freakin’ unsanitary! Dear lord do your mothers know! No, that’s NOT how they became mothers. There use to be storks. Ew.

So yeah, I’m asexual. Because sex is gross. Even kissing is gross. That’s how you catch the plague.

(No, I never have known how Pat puts up with me. This is only one or two items on a super long list.)

So uh. Then this thing happens where I become super unstable. I don’t just mean a little unstable. I mean throw my marriage to the curb so I can maybe fuck other man and/or women, unstable, and I all but become a whore. Now. In reality I can count on 1 hand the number of people I’ve slept with and I’m officially up to two hands for the number of people I’ve kiss. But for me? That’s sleeping around. I mean serious. It never really is about numbers. There are people with 10 times as many ex-partners and I wouldn’t call them whores. Not even behind their backs. But me adding a notch to my bedpost when I’m single? That is me going out of character. The fact this last time I kissed 4 different men which is doubling my earlier count… I actually dislike kissing more than sex. That’s your germs in my mouth. Black Plague.

Ok.  So failed attempts to be humorous aside, while my sexuality doesn’t cause my mental health and my mental health doesn’t cause my sexuality, it’s still relevant because one has, and probably will again, affected the other. Only this time my marriage will be open so I don’t have to sacrifice the man I actually love to kiss another dude. Or dudette.

Also, as I grow more comfortable with the labels it took me 30 years to find, I want to write them out as it makes them whole. And if any of you can relate with any of it… well there are a lot of people out there far less complicated than me, so anyone I can relate to when it comes to gender and asexuality especially, I could use the company in my lonely corner.

We can discuss the black plague.

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cure for cotton mouth Borderline Personality DisorderGranted, few medication side effects are pleasant, but I’ll take craving a million carves over this current constant cottonmouth leaves me in.  Alas!  After a little research, I have found a few simple, yet tasty cures.  Because I’m telling you now: I drink a gallon of water a day and my mouth is as dry as a desert.  But these cures are as delicious as a dessert!

  • Lifesavers
  • Jolly Ranchers (watermelon is best)
  • Smarties
  • Sweet Tarts
  • Willy Wonka Bottlecaps
  • Willy Wonka Nerds
  • Willy Wonka Gobstoppers
  • Colombina Sour Balls
  • Blow Pops
  • Lemonheads
  • Jawbreakers
  • Red Vines

You want hard candies, that essentially make you drool. You’d think chewing gum would help, but as Geodon also makes me clench my jaw and gum is the cure for that, I can assure you that gum still leaves my tongue feeling like sandpaper.

So go count your pennies and buy up the hard candy!  Save your blue jolly ranchers for me, please.  They are the BEST!

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My Mountain: BPD and Stress

Posted March 5, 2015 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and stress
See that mountain over there?  That mountain is the state of my mental health.  At the very top of it sits a cabin called recovery.  A cabin I would very much like to live in all my life, or at least most of it.  At the bottom is a hospital.  The hospital being the lowest point I can get.  It’s where I end up when I’m as far from the recovery cabin as I can get.  I can live there too, though gratefully for less time than I do in the recovery cabin.  Sadly, though, I don’t get to spend much time in the recovery cabin.  Not if you count the past 31 years as a whole.  Most time is spent at various points in between.  Oh, sometimes I’m half way between.  Sometimes I’m in the snowy area, just shy of the peak and cabin.  Sometimes I’m basically on the roof of the hospital.  That’s really probably the worst place to be.  That is the point of needing to go ahead and drop down to hospital admissions, but not realizing it, or more accurately, being in denial about it.

Where am I now?  I’m about 1/3 of the way up the mountain.  It isn’t a horrible spot.  I’m wise minded enough to know I’m in rough shape.  I’m still working on medication combinations.  I’m still working on the energy and desire needed to self sooth in healthy ways like writing and reading.  The fact I’m writing so much is actually a good thing.  I’m actively fighting to get better.  I’m just not in the snow yet.  I still have a way to go; and much further to go, to get to my recovery cabin.  But, at the same time, as long as I’m careful, I’m in no immediate danger of landing in the hospital.

The problem is, as hard as I’m fighting to climb that damn mountain, the weight of stress is bearing down on me.  It isn’t necessarily pushing me further down the mountain, but it sure as hell isn’t allowing me to climb up to recovery.  The thing is, there is no medication to cure stress.  Self medication or otherwise.  Medication and mental health coping skills allow you to handle it better, maybe, but some stress is beyond that.  Especially when the meds aren’t perfect or close to perfect yet, and you’re too jumbled from the lack of oxygen from mountain climbing, to use your coping skills properly.

What is this stress?

  1. Money – Oh a lot of that weight is about to be relieved.  The tax return is hitting any day now, as well as my BIL’s school loan money.  It’ll allow us to catch up on bills and buy the necessities we really need.  We’ve barely been able to get much beyond toilet paper and garbage bags recently.  However, while we’ll be able to catch up right as disconnects are happening, what we really need is to be ahead of the game.  That is essential when you are on a fixed income where most of it hits once every 4 months.  Only one things is allowing that get ahead to happen:
  2. School – I really need this semester off but it just can’t happen.  Not if I want to prevent things like electricity being shut off and using my books for toilet paper.  It’s a sick trade-off.  A horrible trade-off.  The loan money overpay I will get will allow us to pay enough ahead that the stress of money will improve, though not be completely gone.  In trade I have the stress of trying to learn and keep up a grade when I’m in a mental state that barely has me functioning all 7 days of the week.  Not that I could avoid functioning during the week because:
  3. House full of kids – I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, to be honest, but I have taken on the responsibility of watching 4 additional boys after school.  Plus all days on snow days and national holidays and teacher work days and other breaks.  I love these kids dearly and I was their father’s only option, because no one else would step up to the plate, but this literally means I spend my evenings, and sometimes full days, watching 7 kids when I can barely handle 3.  Luckily I have Pat’s help but even when he does most the work, the fighting and general chaos and noise is enough to slam me down the mountain, if not for the fact I’m using sure force of will, love for the boys in question, and refusal to bail (causing their father to have no one to help him out) keeping me in place.

I think I’ve basically super glued myself in place on that mountain.  Strapped and roped myself in, refusing to fall any closer to the hospital.  However, being roped in place means I’m not getting any closer to recovery.

Plus, I’m not sure, but I think I feel what was apparently a thin rope in charge of keeping me in place, starting to snap.  And if it cuts in two, I will fall so hard and fast into the hospital, that there will be a hole in the roof from where I landed, and the force kept me going straight through to admissions.

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