The boys and I spent the evening with my mom. While with her I had the chance to further discuss yesterday’s Target purchase.

I also discussed it with Pat and a friend April.

I’ve come to better terms with it. I’m more comfortable that she wouldn’t have done what she did if she couldn’t afford it.

Here is why I’m making a big deal out of it. And also how it ties in with BPD.

I’m the master manipulator. Your average person with BPD can be. Some choose to go with it, some choose to avoid manipulation. I use to be unaware I was doing it. Now I see the light and I avoid it, most the time.

I guess, scratch that I know, I was terrified that I somehow manipulated my mother into helping us out. And when I saw the total, with the knowledge she was handing us more in cash early next week, I freaked.

April however calmed me down and helped me see that I wasn’t manipulating, I was accepting deeply needed help. And it is deeply needed. Everything bought was a must and I couldn’t have done any of it in time for school to start. I mean she bought clothes, a book bag, a few items off his supply list, and a new pair of shoes. Then she also helped us out with diapers. The only thing that wasn’t a must was the pair of shoes and those were her idea. And we bought the next size up that he’ll be ready for soon. So it’s not like they were extra shoes, they are meant to replace what he has now.

Listen to me try to justify. I’m still doing it.

We needed help. My mom helped. I didn’t take advantage, I accepted. Huge difference.

So maybe I am still working on the whole not feeling guilty thing.

Karen: honestly, I envy her. I need to be in a hospital for a week or two but I can’t afford to miss the work.

Jesse: Yeah = /

Karen: Honestly I could use a good solid month. To break down, melt down, get these meds figured out once and for all, and walk away stronger and healthier
THAT would cause my family to go homeless.
But Jesse, I’d sell my soul
My medical bill would even be covered. It would just be the loss of paycheck

admerkel: do you have disability? short term disability or FMLA would cover your time in the hospital

Karen: not paid

admerkel: damn, short term disability should still pay 60% of your paycheck

Karen: they would have to hold me job. But my leave would be unpaid

admerkel: oh damn :(

Karen: I have no disability insurance. I can’t afford it

admerkel: just the FMLA?

Karen: yes ma’am

admerkel: dang… do you have any vacation time? maybe even a week inpatient could get ya on the right track

Karen: they have to keep my job so I wouldn’t have that to worry about. And my medical bills would be covered. But my fam would have no money to live on while I was in the hospital

I’ve been in my position for less than a year
with the company previously part time for 2 years

admerkel: do you think a week would be enough time?

Karen: no

I’d be looking at 2-6

admerkel: nods it sucks that it takes so long to see the affects of med tweeks

Karen: I need to find my balance