Anxiety Archive

Borderline Personality DIsorder and Trouble with FinancesAs an alternative to the below, I would like to offer up front the following: text or image ads placed in prominent positions on this blog, for reasonable prices.  I do have a link across the top discussing advertising rates.  I’m desperate enough that I’m willing to negotiate them.  Please take a look!  Walking the Borderline gets an average of 2,000 unique pageviews a month, even with the decrease in my writing, which I’m working on increasing.  I have a few SEO hot posts that really pull in the new traffic.  Then of course, I have a smaller (than 2k anyway), but very loyal following.  So it will be worth the money.  A text ad with me, for example, will run you 50$ for the month (and let’s be honest here, I’ll forget to take it down at month’s end and won’t charge you more than the 50 based off my memory flaws).  TheBloggess?  She’ll, rightfully, charge you twice that.  Ok.  So that being said, let’s get to the main post.  Because I’m all sorts of desperate.

We are so horribly screwed for money right now that it’s reached the point of scary. There are three adults who live here, with 4 combined sources of income, but all 4 are fixed. Two of the sources cover the monthly rent basically perfectly, with enough left over for toilet paper. One of those sources was reduced due to its recipient working like crazy in November and December to try to catch us up on bills. It mostly worked, so as of December we were on track. However, because of that his monthly check for being severely mentally disabled was cut in half. Leaving us about $50 short to cover the rent that we normally never have to worry about. Not to mention the other couple hundred that covered toilet paper, dish/laundry detergent, etc. The other two sources of income is school money. We found out way after the fact that one of the two incomes there that will normally appear at the beginning of the semester, will be up to a month and a half late, due to the student being new. They need to be sure he attends classes before they send him the money that covers bills. My check never was going to show up until mid semester, but that wasn’t going to matter because the other check was going to cover all of January and February’s bills. We have disconnect notices for, well, everything for the first time in almost a decade. Turning off the cable would be a simple solution, except both students rely on it for school. In my case as all my classes are online, that’s a 100% reliance. And as we are in a 1 year contract, we can’t simply cut back on that. We are getting 300$ worth of services for around 100$ and while we could live without the tv for a while, removing it breaks the contract. Good deal or not, you can’t break the contract. So all this is to say that while 2 sources of income from school are coming in February and March, we are so far behind despite cutting back on everything, that by the time it shows up most everything will be disconnected, and we’ll be paying this month’s bill in March, and will still probably be behind.

We are doing the best we can. We brought Pat’s brother in with us to help him and so he could help us finance wise. The three adults couldn’t afford 2 households but joined, once we’re finally caught up, we’ll be able to afford 1. Paying off this damn car with the tax return will be a huge help. We’d get rid of it but we’d just have to turn around and figure out a cheaper, but most likely less reliable, car. This car has us in the hole, but it is reliable as hell so far. Pat is planning a small, 20 hr/week job in the evenings once school is out. With school in session it isn’t an option, for long and complicated reasons involving the fact he needs the car to deliver pizzas. I’d get a job but everyone family and doctors included agree that is NOT an option right now. In my mental state I can barely handle the stress of school, much less school and work. Choosing to do just one between the two, going crazy and messing up is best saved for my grades, and not a company. Like I said, I’m not handling stress at the moment. In addition, my fibro, depression, and meds have me highly unreliable for being awake at any given time. And it isn’t a simple case of being “sleepy”. No. I mean passing out at 9PM and still being exhausted like I didn’t sleep at 8AM. Sleepy is cute and cuddly. Exhausted is scary and stabs people. There is a cartoon showing the difference someone, if you need to visualize the difference. So clearly, work is not an option for me. I tried for disability myself, but was denied because “there was no way of knowing if I’d be depressed for a full year or longer”. Yeah. I’m going to get a doctor, get my fibro treated, then try for disability again for both the depression and the BPD and the fibro. Won’t hurt to try. I’ve been out of work a full year now.
I’m still rambling. I’m so sorry. I should get to my point. In 12 years of marriage, Pat and I have never been this financially screwed. We are about to lose everything. If you have anything you can offer to help I need paid for my work here.   My blog has a donate button (towards the top right of the page) and it would be appreciated beyond what words can express. I hate asking this. This… it’s very humbling and humiliating.

If you can’t help, I so deeply understand. Please just know I do truly get it. I understand broke on an intimate level. I understand financial obligations and I understand the wish to give does not suddenly create the ability to give. But if you can help, please click the donate button. It’ll let you donate any amount you have to offer.

Oh!  I also have a zazzle Store!  You can buy fancy swag over there!  No joke.  It gives me some (small) income.  But right now literally every penny counts.

 

There is some really weird stuff up at the store. (I have a sub store dedicated to wanting to nom on babies and another perfect for any “Sam” in your life.) There is some really awesome stuff as well! Please take a second to browse and see if anything catches your eye? You get neat swag, I get kleenex or shampoo. I will also make custom requests, though so can you if you give it a try, but I already know the ins and outs of the program and have time needed to design you stuff. *wiggles eyebrows*

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The Year of the Doctor

Posted January 23, 2015 By kmarrs

Taking care of health is important if you have Borderline Personality DisorderYar!  I promised thee a blog post!

Alright this is apparently the year where I celebrate having insurance again by being a responsible adult that takes care of her physical well-being.  Parts of this are easy, and other part not so much.  Also imbedded within these words will be an update as to my mental health and the meds I’m now taking.  So way to be relevant to the blog topic, self!  *pats self on back*

So, topics to cover:

  • Head
  • Shoulders
  • Knees
  • Toes
  • Eyes
  • Ears
  • Mouth
  • Nose
  • Lady Parts

Maybe not in the order, huh?

EYES: A major “yay!” and a slight “WTF MATE!” included!

So all 5 of my clan went to the eye doctor this week.  The husband, oldest and I have all worn classes since we were each respectively 7 or 8 years old.  So for us it was just a yearly check in.  Nothing of note for Pat or Thomas, other than Thomas has my eyes in more than just color.  (Did you know that it’s been proven that the more you read, the more near-sighted you become?  Explains why I’m damn near blind.)

I, of course, need new glasses as well only… So apparently based off their previous records on me, my current prescription, and what the script in my current glasses read to be, the last place to examine eyes and get my lenses really messed up their readings *coughWALMARTcough*.  What’s the most fucked up about that is that the year I got those glasses was the only year I’ve ever had insurance through work and Wal-Mart was basically the only place that took that insurance and my mom still had to pay through the nose for me to get these glasses and apparently the royally messed up. That or my eyes magically got better by a lot and then tragically got a little worse than they had been the year or two prior.  So, really?  Every other year the government has paid for my glasses, which I no longer feel guilty about because I’ve gotten a better doctor and better glasses that I need to see because I’m going blind.  Anyway I’m back to one of my 2 old eye doctors (I flipped between them based on location and who could get me in without a 15 month wait) and they have always run consistent to one another.  So I know where I’m staying here on out.  Also?  She got me to 20/15 which she apparently can never accomplish in people with eye-sight as bad as mine and I can confirm has not happened in a really, really long time.  I’m so excited for those glasses to come in!  I’ll read all the things!  ALL OF THEM! *cough*

Lucas, who turns 7 today *sob* will be getting his first pair of glasses, and while we aren’t surprised he needs them, we are surprised just how bad his eyes are at his age.  When Thomas first got glasses he could take them off to play.  Not Luke.  I think this kid is about to see a whole new world!  Also; he won’t sit with his nose glued to the TV while watching anymore.

Sammy, who also sits nose to TV, has been confirmed to do so because she is 3.  The good doc did detect she isn’t exactly 20/20, but it’s a small degree of vision imperfection and usually not worth trying to convince a 3yo to take care of glasses over, unless there are other signs of trouble. (There aren’t.)  So while Sammy will indeed be wearing glasses in the future, she isn’t there yet.  Which is good.  It’s inevitable with the poor girl’s genetics, but I really am not up to that battle.

Lady Parts:

I’ll spare you details.  However, let me say that while I am two years out of sync on what should be a yearly appointment due to first no insurance, and then a chaotic uprising, I’m back on track here and scheduled for my yearly.  Also: When was your last well check here?  Guys, I know most/all of us are falling apart in so many ways, but this appointment is so important and can not be skipped.  These doctors look for some scary stuff.  Especially scary if left untreated.  So please, if you are behind, pick up the phone and schedule now.  No insurance?  Planned Parenthood takes care of so much of this as well, for I believe decent prices.  It varies by location; ask.

HEAD:

I’m doing mostly ok in the mental health department, but this is with the help of a dozen pills a day.  Since getting back in, I have been seeing my meds doctor regularly. Then, despite a few month blip where I had to cancel due to a funeral, and then not making it back in for a bit, I am back to seeing my therapist every couple of weeks.  I actually had a meds appointment today, which is why I owed you this blog post and didn’t write it on the spot, and we had a discussion on the current main symptom, which I’ll get to in a second.  First we’ll discuss the pill regiment up until today’s addition.

First, I’m on Cymbalta 60mg every morning.  It’s my go-to anti-depressant and I actually look forward to taking it when I start to fall apart.  Oh, it kills my sex drive and makes me fat, but it is also the best I’ve found at making me feel stable, without the robotic after taste.

I take 300mg of Trileptal every AM and 600 in the PM.  It is the mood stabilizer that has always been good to me.  Again, no robotic after taste.  As an added bonus, it doesn’t want to kill me like Lamictal does. (Can you imagine death by rash?)

New for me is my twice a day 1mg of Ativan.  This is a fairly low dose (higher than the 1mg part implies) that doesn’t take away all my stress and anxiety, but it takes away the physical tics it brings.  A higher dose that kills the anxiety does things to me (man).  But as my anxiety tends to make my skin crawl and other just not fun things, I’m on a high enough of a dose to prevent that crap.  As an added bonus: for the first time in about 7 years, not only do I have hair but it’s past my shoulders now!

So today I went in with the intent on talking about my rage.  Sure enough, when the other symptoms are under control, I become a raging beast.  I’m not psychical or violent, but I’m loud and can use hurtful words.  I think we all know first hand that words can hurt just as much, if not more, than violence and actions.  So after brief discussion, per my request I start back on Geodon tomorrow.  Oh, antipsychotics aren’t a joy to be on, but I’ve been on/off them enough to know the pros and cons of either side of that decision and I’m looking forward to feeling more like Dr Jekyll, and less like Mr Hyde again.  (More Banner, less HULK?)  Even if it does mean I’m going to eat every carb in sight and pack on another 20 pounds.

KNEES?:

Speaking of packing on another 20 pounds, I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been and I don’t like it!  It’s like over the past 3 months I have just packed it on!  Well, with the Holidays behind me, I’m fixing that, dammit.  I wouldn’t say I’ve given up pop, but I’ve cut way down and am working on drinking a lot more water.  I’m eating less pasta and more rice.  I’m doing my best to be more physically active, but I’m writing this a week after buying my first cane (knees!), so there is that.  Nevertheless I don’t need the cane everyday, so on my good days I’m going to go out and walk/run the neighborhood like I swore to when we first moved in (and then life fell to shit around me).  I won’t ever be society’s idea of skinny, but that’s ok.  I just want to be happy with my body within my own ideals of attractive, and I’m not.  I also want to fit all my clothes again, and I don’t.

MOUTH:

Ugh.  I can’t even… It took us something like 8 years to find a dentist that both took our insurance and was someone we were willing to go back to.  I tell you, there are a lot of bad dentists in the world.  It’s even worse than regular General Practitioners.  We finally fund one just to have him close down his business in the past year (had to go back home due his mom’s failing health).  I don’t even care that he was in the opposite side of town.  I would have made the drive.  Now I’m back to square one and we are all well over-due for a visit.  I seriously… Why is this so hard?  I mean, I can tell horror stories.  I really liked the dentist that we finally found too.

NOSE:

Speaking of general practitioners… I need one of these even more than I need a dentist but I’m seriously dragging heels about this.  Frankly, most just don’t know how to help me or are scared of me.  How my Borderline Personality Disorder scares a way a doctor that won’t even be treating it as I have a great mental health team, is beyond me.  I literally could scream.  Dear Doctor, if you want to be frightened away by a condition, at least let it be the fact you aren’t competent in treating fibromyalgia.  Oh, about that.  Mind you, I’ve only had one doctor ever even realize I suffer from fibro, so that is annoying in itself.  But now that it’s finally on record, I’m opening with that.  However, the reason I’m not going back to that doctor, besides the fact he’s terrified of my mental health that he isn’t treating, is that he was constantly wanting to treat the fibro with meds I was already on for the mental health or meds I had been on for it.  First off, and yes this does give you some leeway to be scared of the BPD monster, you can’t just throw a mental health pill at a mental health patient, without considering the repercussions.  Also, if I was on a pill for years for my mental health and it never ever helped my fibro, why would it suddenly magically make my fibro better now?  Ok, I’ll humor you.  Oh look, I’m suddenly suicidal because misuse of antidepressants can do that, ironically.  Alright, fine.  Maybe his fear of my mental health WAS valid.  But only because he was a moron.  And he isn’t even the doctor that I walked out on, or the one who put me on blood pressure meds to treat the wrong kind of headache, and then claimed he was 150% sure that the meds weren’t what caused me to gain 20 pounds suddenly over a 2 month span despite me doing everything else right. (True fact: In a study of whether or not blood pressure meds cause weight gain, what he put me on was called out by name to cause rapid and massive weight gain.  Yet he was 150% positive that those meds don’t cause weight gain and in fact tried to pin it on the fact I just had a baby.  This was about 6 months AFTER giving birth.)  So needless to say I’m a little skeptical about the medical profession and not looking forward to having to find yet another new doctor.  However, the husband is insisting and it would be nice to have someone to see should I have a general illness, and should he actually know how to treat my fibro, and not be scared by the BPD monster… well, I’m not holding my breath.

Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes

Bleh

 

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They were wrong

Posted June 12, 2014 By kmarrs

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The Game Of Life

Posted June 14, 2012 By kmarrs

House

Well, we were in contract.  Papers were to be signed on the 29th.  Keys were to be handed over.  Then the bank that was selling, since it was a foreclosure, made a rather large change to the deal, and we said “hell no” and now there is no house.

There was a significant amount of panic.  Along the lines of “Oh shit, we have to be out of here the day after Sammy turns 1.  That’s in less than 3 months, where the hell are we going to live?”

Then Pat called the rental office and spoke to the girl we’ve been working with since day 1 before we even moved in.  They aren’t giving us the boot on August 31st, like we had previously been told.  Granted, with the household head count they aren’t encouraging us to spend forever here.  But they know our situation and we as tenants have given them every reason to be patient with us.

We aren’t signing a year lease.  We are going to live here one month at a time.  We are also looking for another house.  Our house.  Our house we will die in, and pass to our children.  I will be buried in the backyard.  Well, I’ll be planted in the backyard.  As a tree.  My grand kids can plan an entire garden around me.

Pat and I are shopping mortgages.  There is a plan for the 10% down payment.  This will work.  We just have to see what we are pre-approved for, find the house, make our offer, and go from there.

I think I’m actually less stressed right now not having a clue where we will be living a year from now, than I was while in contract with that house.  It had a lot of good in it.  But it was also really broken.  So much energy was going into fixing it.  And it would have been a good house.  It would have been worth it.  But for once I have a weight off my shoulders.  Instead of continuing to try and fix a really broken house, we are admitting defeat and going with plan D.  Or whatever the hell letter we are on.

 

Luke

Luke had his first appointment with his psychiatrist Tuesday.  This was after my solo meeting with her a few weeks back.  She does agree we are probably looking at ADHD.  The full diagnosis will unfold with time and in this case, medication attempts.  (One of the best ways to confirm a diagnosis of ADHD is to medicate it and see what happens.)

He has started a medication.  I’m not going to discuss what.  Nothing hard-core since he is only 4, but I don’t really feel like discussing what medication I agreed to put my 4-year-old on.  Kids on meds is too heated of a topic.  I did what was right for my kid.  Just as I’ve known meds aren’t right for his older brother.

I think the bottom line of the kids and meds discussion needs to be that it’s a decision made on a kid-by-kid basis with risks and benefits taken into account.  I don’t agree with throwing a pill at the first side of a problem.  But I don’t agree with letting a kid and family suffer because of a refusal to medicate.  And we were all of us, Lucas included, suffering.

Anyway.  As we all know, this is a hell of a process.  Trying something.  Messing with dosage.  Trying something new.  We are on the very first step of the process.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m also in the throws of the preschool process.  Most the people I’ve spoken to previously, said nothing could be done until June.  It’s June.  One application has been filled out.  The rest are incoming.  Oy the preschool process.

 

Thomas

Thomas is at an in between.  With no real diagnosis in his immediate future, we are just riding the therapy wave.  I’m really curious to see how TK’s behavior morphs as Luke’s treatment sets in.  Luke is such a catalyst to us all, sometimes it’s really hard to know what’s our own personal mental health issue and what’s Luke bleeding over.

Which isn’t to say that on his own, Thomas is a perfect angle.  But without Lucas starting something every 50 seconds, Thomas might well even out some.  And it will be much easier to determine what exactly is Thomas, and then we can therapy and treat that.  It isn’t fair to Thomas, to have his therapy be surviving Luke 101.

 

Dad

Has pushed back his move date about 12 times now.  I have a theory that in 50 years if they go to tear this place down, they’ll find him crouching in a corner muttering something about storms, finances, banks, and the stock market.  Just a theory but a solid one I do think.  I don’t really want to talk about it much beyond that.

Or maybe I do.

I don’t like that we are kicking him out.  I don’t like that he is going to be homeless once he leaves.  But I don’t like the position he puts me in every damn day.  I don’t like having to make the decision to do right by my kids or my father and it can never seem to be both.  It took me 4 years to realize that in finally choosing to do right by my kids, I’m not in fact a bad person.  I have done everything I could for my father.  More than I should have had to.  I simply can’t do anything more.

 

Pat

Pat and I are ok.  I think we’ll be better once the above stresses level out some.  But I don’t wake up fearing that, that will be the day he walks out.  I know he loves me.  I know we’re a team.  And he seems to know this past week was totally fueled by PMS.  Hopefully he’s grateful that PMS means we aren’t bringing another baby into this equation.

I feel even as we bicker and I go to bed early some nights because I’m fed up with the day, that we are ok.  I feel that our relationship is solid enough that we can hold hands and hunker down together through life, no matter what it tosses our way.

I also really appreciate all that he does for us and knowing that I have such a strong player on my team.

 

Sammy

Sammy is Sammy.  She is amazing.  Beautiful.  Spunky.  Full of personality and love.  She is learning to pull herself up onto her feet but unsure what to do once up.  She has 2 teeth in.  She is insulted when her meal comes from a jar and wants part of what everyone else is eating.

I wouldn’t change a thing about her.  Though I am sad to see her baby days flying by.  As excited as I am to see who she grows into, I’m not in a huge rush.  This is my last baby, and I’m enjoying every minute of her first few years.  Then she’ll turn 3 and she is so her daddy’s problem.

I jest.  Maybe.  I’ll let you know when she’s 3.

 

Work

I don’t know if I’m full-time.  I applied and have hit the interview phase, but my boss has been on vacation all this week.  I imagine interviews will start next week.  I know of at least one other person who is for sure applying.  She hopes to have the spot filled by July.  So I imagine I’ll know by July.

I’m in the most weirdly laid back place regarding this. I don’t feel that I have to OMG get this promotion or my family won’t survive.  Yeah, it would be nice, but the most basic needs are being met.  I’m mostly excited that this will let me advance my career and have those extra 15 hours a week out of the house.  The extra money is just gravy.

Pat, I’m sure, would argue it to be very important gravy.  And yeah ok it is.  But I find this laid back attitude to be helpful.  It allows me to not stress over this.  I feel I have enough to stress about.  (See above)  So one less thing, is really nice.  Promotion or no promotion work is going great and it’s really the only thing in my life not stressing me out.

 

Me

I’m surviving.  Some nights I survive by crashing when the baby does so that I can just be done with the day.  I’m maybe a touch depressed.  But I’m so stressed by all the plates I have in the air, it’s hard to feel I’m not justified in being depressed.  I’m not choosing to medicate it.  Not yet anyway.  I’m not suicidal and usually not homicidal.  I’m functioning.  I can get up and go to work without crying over it.  I don’t even cry when it’s time to go home.

And as I see most everyone around me overwhelmed with stress right now, I think that I’m really just 1 in the crowd.  Something’s in the air.  So if I’m patient and just keep doing what I have to do to get through this.  I’ll be ok.

I have 4 folders in front of me which hold 4 of the plates in the air.

  • 1 is the house folder.  While Pat is doing the majority of the mortgage shopping, I’m talking to my company’s mortgage department for the 2 of us since I am the employee.
  • 1 is the Lucas folder where I’m tracking his diagnostic developments and his medication process.  I’m also tracking the process of getting him in preschool this fall.  This is a thick folder
  • The Thomas folder is sitting untouched recently.  As we ride the wave, there isn’t much to add at the moment
  • The final is my personal folder where I’m tracking things I need to track, mostly for my career as mommy.  This folder is new.  I’m not sure what all will end up there.

I guess with my OCD approach I’m allowing myself to approach this systematically so that I’m less likely to forget some detail or get overwhelmed by all that there is.  One folder at a time.

My therapy is drawing to an end.  I haven’t been cut loose yet.  We are mostly just looking to see where the next few weeks land me.  There isn’t anything scheduled but I know I can pick up the phone and make an appointment anytime.  And I think that’s exactly where I need to be therapy wise.  Unless my therapist can secure me a mortgage offer or find me a house, there isn’t really much therapy can take care of.  These aren’t mental issues I’m working through.  And all things considered I’m not doing too horrible of a job working through the life issues.  And therapy these days has just become rehashing the same topics.  Not solving, just updating.

I am looking to have Schizotypal added to my chart.  Not because it’s something I need to have treated now, but this way should it develop into something more in the future, the history of where it began is on record.

 

I suppose that is everything.  I suppose that is enough.

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It Started

Posted June 11, 2012 By kmarrs

As I knew it would.  I’m actually late in writing this because it started almost exactly after I got to work.  Oh I was so pissed with the timing.

Anyway, aside from paranoia I figured it would start.  And Pat, who normally pales about 3 shades in the face If I’m so much as 5 seconds late according to my average, never doubted I would.  But oy is my body annoying at times!

I have much more to write about other topics another day.  I need the thumbs up clearance first.

But… My body isn’t the only thing that’s annoying around here!

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30 Days

Posted June 11, 2012 By kmarrs

It would be at this point in my cycle delay that I would be peeing on a stick.  However, I have been very irregular since I got my tubes turned into bacon.  Usually I’m early but, late is just as possible I’d imagine.  I’m weighing the improbability of me getting pregnant with bacon tubes against the fact I get knocked up if you sneeze near me…  Throw in the fact Pat was told he was sterile something like 14 years ago, and yet fathered our 3 children.

I range, since the surgery, 24-28 days with a 27 day average.  I’m on day 30.  Bacon tubes though!  Snipped and burned!

When pregnant with Sammy, before we knew it was a girl, we discussed the name Douglas Anthony.  It’s been decided that should I get pregnant a 4th time, little one is being named Douglas Adams.  Forget Anthony, the improbability drive behind this hypothetical child alone would earn the Hitchhiker’s nod.

Bacon. Tubes.

I’m going to be so pissed.

But the child would never know.

Seriously though, I’m stressed out more than usual.  With Pat’s health, the move, and trying for a promotion.  And I haven’t been regular at all since my tubal.  One month I’m close to 24 days, the next I’m 28.  It’s like 1 tube is firing early and the other on time.  Well, last month was 26 so I’d expect to be closer to the 30 this month, but if stress has me late, it would be more noticeable this month than last or next.

Think bacon.

Oh and I’ve been bitchy as hell this past week.  I’m gearing up for something!

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