ADHD Archive


Posted January 24, 2019 By kmarrs

So many years ago I suggested to my meds doctor that I might have ADHD. She was willing at the time to medicate me for it, but insurance put up a fight and I just wasn’t up to fighting.

Now I have come to the terms that I almost definitely, though it’s self diagnosed, have ADHD. There is no denying it. And I’m to the point in my education and career, that if I’m going to succeed, than I need medication.

So I called my meds doctor the other week and asked her if I could come in sooner than planned and discuss me starting meds. I’m willing to go through the diagnostic criteria, and I have a better handle on the symptoms now, that I can really make a case for myself. So I should hopefully be medicated starting in maybe mid-February.

I’ll check back in around then to fill you all in on how that goes. I’m also due for a meds update post, but I might as well wait until I know what’s going to happen with ADHD treatment.

Also, while we’re on the topic, I’m pretty sure I’m autistic. They are comorbid a hell of a lot of times. However, I will never seek diagnosis there.

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A Brilliant Mind

Posted March 29, 2013 By kmarrs

We all brag on our kids.  So know that I know we all consider our kids to be the next Einstein, Henry Ford, Marie Curie, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Da Vinci, or in my case, Sheldon Cooper.  I do wholeheartedly get that.  Please understand that, as I quote the following comment left on Thawed, and then get into my response.

I’m sure you already know this, but on the off chance, here you go. If kiddo’s ADHD, showing signs of OCD, and isn’t able to manage in another educational setting (“it’s not them, it’s him”), these are red flags in the special education world. It’s worth asking the school district for a full psycho-educational run down on him. It should include academic, psychological, mental health, and anything else that you’re at all concerned about (speech pragmatics, ability to negotiate a playground, whatever). Your family may choose to homeschool, or to enroll him in a private kinder, and only you know what will work best for him and you, but it’s the district’s obligation to put him in a kindergarten with the necessary supports he requires to succeed (which damn well includes a school bus). Cognitive behavioral therapy and a tightly structured day can do wonders for kids with ADHD, and if that’s what it takes for him to manage school (and the school to manage him) then they get to provide it.

I think this warrants addressing beyond the comments section.

I don’t think the ADHD (or OCD, or any other possible diagnosis, for that matter) is why he doesn’t thrive in preschool, I honestly think he isn’t challenged enough. He went in there knowing basic multiplication so therefor couldn’t take them seriously when they tried to teach him how to count along with the other kids. At the same time he gets stuck counting past 12. It’s a patience thing. As in, he has no patience for the inferior brain trying to teach him.  He has to decide he cares and then teach himself.  Hence him questioning what the hell his brother is taught “at that school” when Thomas made a simple math mistake.  Kid was tired, Luke had no hesitation calling him on it though.

That dynamic of brothers competing aside, there is something in there that can’t be missed.  I haven’t taught Luke math.  Sure, I taught him how to count, and what the numbers looked like.  We even struggled on that.  Oh lord.  But even before he could count successfully past 8, he could tell you that 2 times 4 was 8.  Not because I taught him, but because he was watching me build something that had 4 screws on the one side and just assumed that meant there were 8 screws total.  Sure, he could have added it up, but he could only see one side.  That takes a certain amount of cognative thinking.  He was 4.

I pride myself on my math skills, but I couldn’t have done that, self-taught, at 4.  How many really could have?

He has a psychiatrist who is keeping tabs on him, though yes the school board could apply it to education. But honestly, I don’t want to IEP him if I can avoid it. And when he is medicated, I can avoid it. I was going to stick him in a regular class, the reason it didn’t happen that way is because I missed deadlines I didn’t realize where come and gone, and because of his age, but not the mental curiosities. The strive for pre-K was because he’s only had 1 year of pre-school and just doesn’t seem to be quite ready for kindergarten to me.  (The school bus issue was isolated to pre-K since it’s a separate program that happens to be housed in a school.)

And the relief that came when homeschooling suddenly became a serious option, goes beyond psych evaluations and IEPs.  It goes into knowing kids aren’t meant to fit molds.  Not every child is meant to be a brain surgeon.  And the most brilliant minds out there are going to look at a standardized test and a scantron and ask: what the heck are they teaching in these schools?  I mean seriously, WTF!

I have always known my Lucas was not meant to fit a mold.  And now I’m following my heart and acting upon it.

His mental health is a concern, always. But honestly, so is what the federal government is doing to the education system. I want my little engineer to be able to get excited about robots and spend his school day building his own and then programming it to carry off a hit on his older brother, and not having to worry about the latest standardized test out there.  I think Thomas is about to take his 3rd.  For this year.

I have no doubts this kid is brilliant. But he’s brilliant in a way that won’t come across on a scantron.  It will, however,  come across when he’s making millions on government projects you don’t have the security clearance level to hear about.  Momma just prays it’s ethical.

In a sea of education options, what works for one child shouldn’t have to work for another.  If I honestly thought a public school classroom was the answer for him, I’d go fierce momma and there he’d be come fall, with or with the evaluation and IEP.  Many of you nod your head knowing this to be the case.  Some of you are just thankful you won’t have to help me hide the bodies that could potentially pile up during the process.

In the same way I know this to be the answer for Luke, I know pulling Thomas out of school is the worst education decision I could make for Thomas.  Oh my anger of teaching to tests and government interference makes me daydream about it, but he thrives in a classroom.  I know, in my head, better than to mess with that.

Sambam, meanwhile, might inspire a 3rd option.  I’m thinking an all-girls, private, boarding school.  But only when I realize she has my personality, Aphrodite’s beauty, and breathes fire, like the red dragon she is.  Once puberty hits… well she’ll be the one we hide bodies for.  We’re going to need a backyard.

The homeschool program we are placing him in starting this fall, is a virtual classroom.  They’ll provide a computer, and then he’ll have a full class with a teacher heading it, just online.  There will be field trips you can try and make it to. (All across Ohio, hence the “try”.)  There is an initiative to connect those living close to one another for play-dates.  There is a PE log sheet so that they know you are up and outside running around, skinning knees, and pelting daddy with snowballs.  I’ve seen the curriculum for K-12th grade.  Not a standardized test in site.  It’s taught to foster brilliant minds, not convince the federal government of anything.  It’s amazing how much interference we have from the government and yet how uneducated our nation really is.  I know Pat and I aren’t brilliant, but with the freedom this program gives, paired with the structure this program offers as well, I think this will meet all of Luke’s needs.  And I don’t have to worry about Pat trying to teach him algebra, because there is a licensed teacher on the other end of computer who has it covered.

Speaking of, I’ve introduced him to algebra, he thinks it’s silly, but seems to be on the cusp of understanding it.  Give me til the end of summer.  He’s got this.  He already understand that if 2+5=7, then 5+2=7, and 7-2=5.  That is step one to understanding 2+x=7, solve for x, after all.

So in short: while his mental health diagnostics will always be something to work with/around, I think in ways they will inspire greatness, and I think conventional school will only hold him back.  It’s also worth noting that his behavior in the pre-school classroom is spot on.  They find him to be a helpful, sweet, loving, joy to have around.  They just can’t seem to teach him.

As an interesting note, tucked here at the end, that’s why he isn’t going back after Spring Break.  He’ll finish out the week/month, but once we decided to homeschool, it started to seem ludicrous to spend so much time, energy, and money to try to force pre-school to happen.  He isn’t getting anything out of it.  So he can spend those hours each week working on his math workbook I bought him.  As well as the letters and phonics books.


Our next step is a lined dry-erase board so he can work on penmanship, and which direction the numbers 7 and 3 face.  It’s the only thing I have to teach him in this exact regard.  He doesn’t seem to need my help otherwise.  Unless you count reading the instructions.  Other than that, I handed over the book and off he flew.

And he does.  He will.  He flies.  He will fly higher.  And I’m actually relieved to be able to loosen a chain or two.

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The Game Of Life

Posted June 14, 2012 By kmarrs


Well, we were in contract.  Papers were to be signed on the 29th.  Keys were to be handed over.  Then the bank that was selling, since it was a foreclosure, made a rather large change to the deal, and we said “hell no” and now there is no house.

There was a significant amount of panic.  Along the lines of “Oh shit, we have to be out of here the day after Sammy turns 1.  That’s in less than 3 months, where the hell are we going to live?”

Then Pat called the rental office and spoke to the girl we’ve been working with since day 1 before we even moved in.  They aren’t giving us the boot on August 31st, like we had previously been told.  Granted, with the household head count they aren’t encouraging us to spend forever here.  But they know our situation and we as tenants have given them every reason to be patient with us.

We aren’t signing a year lease.  We are going to live here one month at a time.  We are also looking for another house.  Our house.  Our house we will die in, and pass to our children.  I will be buried in the backyard.  Well, I’ll be planted in the backyard.  As a tree.  My grand kids can plan an entire garden around me.

Pat and I are shopping mortgages.  There is a plan for the 10% down payment.  This will work.  We just have to see what we are pre-approved for, find the house, make our offer, and go from there.

I think I’m actually less stressed right now not having a clue where we will be living a year from now, than I was while in contract with that house.  It had a lot of good in it.  But it was also really broken.  So much energy was going into fixing it.  And it would have been a good house.  It would have been worth it.  But for once I have a weight off my shoulders.  Instead of continuing to try and fix a really broken house, we are admitting defeat and going with plan D.  Or whatever the hell letter we are on.


Luke had his first appointment with his psychiatrist Tuesday.  This was after my solo meeting with her a few weeks back.  She does agree we are probably looking at ADHD.  The full diagnosis will unfold with time and in this case, medication attempts.  (One of the best ways to confirm a diagnosis of ADHD is to medicate it and see what happens.)

He has started a medication.  I’m not going to discuss what.  Nothing hard-core since he is only 4, but I don’t really feel like discussing what medication I agreed to put my 4-year-old on.  Kids on meds is too heated of a topic.  I did what was right for my kid.  Just as I’ve known meds aren’t right for his older brother.

I think the bottom line of the kids and meds discussion needs to be that it’s a decision made on a kid-by-kid basis with risks and benefits taken into account.  I don’t agree with throwing a pill at the first side of a problem.  But I don’t agree with letting a kid and family suffer because of a refusal to medicate.  And we were all of us, Lucas included, suffering.

Anyway.  As we all know, this is a hell of a process.  Trying something.  Messing with dosage.  Trying something new.  We are on the very first step of the process.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m also in the throws of the preschool process.  Most the people I’ve spoken to previously, said nothing could be done until June.  It’s June.  One application has been filled out.  The rest are incoming.  Oy the preschool process.


Thomas is at an in between.  With no real diagnosis in his immediate future, we are just riding the therapy wave.  I’m really curious to see how TK’s behavior morphs as Luke’s treatment sets in.  Luke is such a catalyst to us all, sometimes it’s really hard to know what’s our own personal mental health issue and what’s Luke bleeding over.

Which isn’t to say that on his own, Thomas is a perfect angle.  But without Lucas starting something every 50 seconds, Thomas might well even out some.  And it will be much easier to determine what exactly is Thomas, and then we can therapy and treat that.  It isn’t fair to Thomas, to have his therapy be surviving Luke 101.


Has pushed back his move date about 12 times now.  I have a theory that in 50 years if they go to tear this place down, they’ll find him crouching in a corner muttering something about storms, finances, banks, and the stock market.  Just a theory but a solid one I do think.  I don’t really want to talk about it much beyond that.

Or maybe I do.

I don’t like that we are kicking him out.  I don’t like that he is going to be homeless once he leaves.  But I don’t like the position he puts me in every damn day.  I don’t like having to make the decision to do right by my kids or my father and it can never seem to be both.  It took me 4 years to realize that in finally choosing to do right by my kids, I’m not in fact a bad person.  I have done everything I could for my father.  More than I should have had to.  I simply can’t do anything more.


Pat and I are ok.  I think we’ll be better once the above stresses level out some.  But I don’t wake up fearing that, that will be the day he walks out.  I know he loves me.  I know we’re a team.  And he seems to know this past week was totally fueled by PMS.  Hopefully he’s grateful that PMS means we aren’t bringing another baby into this equation.

I feel even as we bicker and I go to bed early some nights because I’m fed up with the day, that we are ok.  I feel that our relationship is solid enough that we can hold hands and hunker down together through life, no matter what it tosses our way.

I also really appreciate all that he does for us and knowing that I have such a strong player on my team.


Sammy is Sammy.  She is amazing.  Beautiful.  Spunky.  Full of personality and love.  She is learning to pull herself up onto her feet but unsure what to do once up.  She has 2 teeth in.  She is insulted when her meal comes from a jar and wants part of what everyone else is eating.

I wouldn’t change a thing about her.  Though I am sad to see her baby days flying by.  As excited as I am to see who she grows into, I’m not in a huge rush.  This is my last baby, and I’m enjoying every minute of her first few years.  Then she’ll turn 3 and she is so her daddy’s problem.

I jest.  Maybe.  I’ll let you know when she’s 3.


I don’t know if I’m full-time.  I applied and have hit the interview phase, but my boss has been on vacation all this week.  I imagine interviews will start next week.  I know of at least one other person who is for sure applying.  She hopes to have the spot filled by July.  So I imagine I’ll know by July.

I’m in the most weirdly laid back place regarding this. I don’t feel that I have to OMG get this promotion or my family won’t survive.  Yeah, it would be nice, but the most basic needs are being met.  I’m mostly excited that this will let me advance my career and have those extra 15 hours a week out of the house.  The extra money is just gravy.

Pat, I’m sure, would argue it to be very important gravy.  And yeah ok it is.  But I find this laid back attitude to be helpful.  It allows me to not stress over this.  I feel I have enough to stress about.  (See above)  So one less thing, is really nice.  Promotion or no promotion work is going great and it’s really the only thing in my life not stressing me out.


I’m surviving.  Some nights I survive by crashing when the baby does so that I can just be done with the day.  I’m maybe a touch depressed.  But I’m so stressed by all the plates I have in the air, it’s hard to feel I’m not justified in being depressed.  I’m not choosing to medicate it.  Not yet anyway.  I’m not suicidal and usually not homicidal.  I’m functioning.  I can get up and go to work without crying over it.  I don’t even cry when it’s time to go home.

And as I see most everyone around me overwhelmed with stress right now, I think that I’m really just 1 in the crowd.  Something’s in the air.  So if I’m patient and just keep doing what I have to do to get through this.  I’ll be ok.

I have 4 folders in front of me which hold 4 of the plates in the air.

  • 1 is the house folder.  While Pat is doing the majority of the mortgage shopping, I’m talking to my company’s mortgage department for the 2 of us since I am the employee.
  • 1 is the Lucas folder where I’m tracking his diagnostic developments and his medication process.  I’m also tracking the process of getting him in preschool this fall.  This is a thick folder
  • The Thomas folder is sitting untouched recently.  As we ride the wave, there isn’t much to add at the moment
  • The final is my personal folder where I’m tracking things I need to track, mostly for my career as mommy.  This folder is new.  I’m not sure what all will end up there.

I guess with my OCD approach I’m allowing myself to approach this systematically so that I’m less likely to forget some detail or get overwhelmed by all that there is.  One folder at a time.

My therapy is drawing to an end.  I haven’t been cut loose yet.  We are mostly just looking to see where the next few weeks land me.  There isn’t anything scheduled but I know I can pick up the phone and make an appointment anytime.  And I think that’s exactly where I need to be therapy wise.  Unless my therapist can secure me a mortgage offer or find me a house, there isn’t really much therapy can take care of.  These aren’t mental issues I’m working through.  And all things considered I’m not doing too horrible of a job working through the life issues.  And therapy these days has just become rehashing the same topics.  Not solving, just updating.

I am looking to have Schizotypal added to my chart.  Not because it’s something I need to have treated now, but this way should it develop into something more in the future, the history of where it began is on record.

I suppose that is everything.  I suppose that is enough.

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Diagnostic Duo

Posted May 10, 2012 By kmarrs

Ugh, I’ve been wording this post for like 3 weeks now in my head and hours into days on paper.  I need to get it out but there is so very much to say.  2 boys, in various stages of being diagnosed, with various behavior issues.  All at once, it’s a lot.  But I’m hoping that by not putting anything off, at some point it will be like a switch has flipped and we’ll go from not wanting to be their parents at times, to always being able to enjoy them.  I don’t want perfect.  I want manageable and we aren’t there.  But we are fighting hard to get there*.  Every. damn. day.  They are being seen, we are being seen.  We are learning parenting strategy tailored to their needs.  They are learning how better to express themselves.  Meds will be involved at various points for them.  And I’m sure us the parents off and on as well.  We are working so very hard for this.  So I have to believe that light switch will flip and we’ll come out the other side healthier and stronger.  I adore my boys.  They amaze me daily.  But they also horrify me daily and that’s not cool.

Thomas had his mental health evaluation with his pediatrician about two-and-a-half weeks ago.  I’ve been processing the knowledge and finally got a chance to sit down with his therapist alone this past Monday.  I wanted a chance to talk one-on-one honestly, without sensitive little ears hearing, and on an adult level.

There is a lot to spit out, and nothing yet set in stone.  Not that you can really set anything like that in stone.  So I suppose it’s better worded as nothing yet in print.

Right now we are leaning away from the diagnosis of ADHD.  Not because he for sure doesn’t have it, he just doesn’t yet meet the criteria.  Will he at some point?  Maybe.

What he is meeting criteria for, but only just barely and his pediatrician wants to see how this develops before this goes on written record, is Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  So basically my 8-year-old has issues with authority.  Which: duh and just grand.

The main concern, really, is that he’s bored.  He has this uncanny ability to lose himself for a long time in a subject he’s interested in.  Read endlessly, write plenty.  He just has to be interested.  If he isn’t interested, you don’t have his attention.  Then, he’s playing the role of classic ADHD.  So the question becomes: is he really suffering from ADHD, or is he just a really bored 8yo with limited ways to express this.  He’s in a structured class where the teacher has to teach not to the most advanced but to the least advanced thanks to no child left behind.  Not even the average anymore like back in my day.  So someone reading at 2-grade-levels ahead of himself, learning slightly more advanced math at home, is going to be somewhat bored.

The doctor expressed curiosity at what his behavior would be like if he was challenged a bit more.  Not skipping a grade challenged, just more freedom to explore thoughts that fancy him, challenged.

We may never know.

I brought up the possibility of homeschooling him, but that brings out a whole new set of challenges, sadly.

In the meantime, one of the biggest issues is that he turns in the bare minimum to get the grade.  If he has 2 lines to answer a question, he writes 2-3 words.  If he has a page or so to use for his answer, he writes 2-3 sentences.  So we are going to focus on encouraging more in-depth answers in his homework for the rest of this year, and then in his blog, I’m going to give him weekly or bi-weekly topics to write and I’m going to expect length.  Practice.  Practice.   Practice.  I don’t want novels from the kid, I just want him to utilize the provided space.  Because I’m assuming if an entire page is provided, she’s expecting at least the majority of it to be filled.

I think therapy, and taking care of Luke’s behavior issues, will get us a long way with Thomas.  Thomas isn’t perfect by far, but Luke is a catalyst.  Sometimes it’s hard telling what is actually Thomas’ behavior when hurricane Luke is on a roll.

Luke had to go to the pediatrician appointment with us.  I wanted Pat there, which meant all 3 kids.  In the span of an hour, the doctor went from thinking Luke may have issues as well, but he’s 4 so it’s hard to tell, to fulling agreeing there is something major up with Luke and being thankful he doesn’t have to try and diagnose it.

Which is OK.  He is a pediatrician.  He is not a mental health specialist.  The Psychiatrist Luke sees starting May 22 is, however.  And he is 4.  It is hard to tell what’s just 4-year-old and what is something more if you only see him for bits and pieces of time over the years.  I’m just grateful how fully on the same page the kid’s doctor and I are.

Unlike Thomas, I will be much less hesitant to medicate Luke.  You all should hopefully know by now I don’t like throwing a pill at the first sign of a problem.  Especially when young, growing minds are involved.  But for Luke, it’s getting near life or death.  Self-inflicted, horrendous accident, or parental temper (not so much this one), he needs meds for his own safety at this point.  He is a really hard kid to parent and it is really hard to want to be his parent so much of the time.  I get that he is 4, but this is beyond 4.  This is something not right.  At 4 he should not still be chewing on books, toys, furniture, and people because he is bored and seeking stimulation.  And not everything he is finding to chew on is safe.

Meanwhile, we are undergoing “battle preschool”.  We spent so long trying to even determine if it was possible this year (and focusing on getting him into therapy, etc) that we missed 2 of the most important deadlines for the 2 school options we were considering.  Yes, waiting lists.  But I can’t put all my eggs on 2 waiting lists.  So I’ve spent much for the past couple weeks chasing down leads and following them.  And then those leads creating more leads.  And while I may not have any concrete placement until the end of the summer, I’m determined to have him on more than just 2 waiting lists.  Even a dozen waiting lists are better than just 2.  The more lists, the better the chances.  A couple of offers, or even just one, would be awesome.  We’ll just have to see.

We are carefully looking at government-funded head start programs and possibly title 20.  With a diagnosis and our income bracket, he has chances there.  I will just have to fight for him and his best interest.  No one is more prepared to fight for this kid than I am.

There was brief talk of possible special needs based on his behavior issues.  That was quickly shelved, though not fully off the table, because hopefully by class start he will be on meds and his intelligence level, no offense, to the special needs classroom, is what we need to cater to.  He isn’t delayed, he is just a handful in behavior.  And maybe that will lead to special needs in the future if he can’t handle a typical classroom, but I honestly can also see him becoming the classroom bully out of boredom, and I’m not willing to do that to the poor kids who need to be there when he maybe just could be there.  I guess the deciding factor for me is that he isn’t actually disabled, I don’t believe anyway, he’s just stubborn.  But he could also do multiplication before he could properly count, so I’m going to do my damnedest to challenge his intellectual ass.  I just don’t feel that particular placement will be fair to anyone in that class.

But, if meds don’t help, we may have no choice just based on a need for a smaller class allowing for more 1 on 1 time.

I guess that is for now until the Psychiatry appointments start for Luke.  The first is the 22nd of this month.  It’s an hour long, but it’s just me, no Luke.  After that, she’ll see us both.  Hopefully, by the end of the summer, we’ll be closer to answers.  But as you are all aware, I’m sure, this is quite the lengthy process.  I am, however, willing to see it through no matter what it takes.  It is unquestionably worth it.  I love my boys and I’m looking forward to liking them a lot more than I currently do.

*The kid’s pediatrician actually said something that surprised me.  It wasn’t an off-handed comment.  He made sure I had stopped my mile a minute thought process, hushed me to silent, and looked me deep in the eyes as he stressed what he was saying was something he never said and didn’t take lightly.  Apparently, in his many years in practice, he has never seen a set of parents as proactive and forthcoming as Pat and I.  We were honest, frank, knowledgeable and doing our best to be ahead of the game.  Getting things handled before they got worse, not after.  We weren’t playing games.  We were there with all cards on the table willing to do what it took and before it got worse.  And even though, for Thomas, there is a stall in the process while we focus on therapy and wait for the diagnosis and meds, we are still very ahead of the game.  And apparently, that is rare.  He said he’d spend the rest of his life running that hour-long meeting over and over in his head.

To me, it’s common sense.  Between Pat, and I and our even just immediate family members, there is a laundry list of mental and behavioral issues.  You name it and it’s in our family tree somewhere.  We knew what combining our genes could lead to.  And we knew the best way to prevent it was to seek help at the first sign of trouble.  You catch it early, it is a lot less likely to progress to a life hindering illness or issue.  Why wait when you can treat it now?  And we both are well aware of what to look for.  Sure, we could miss something.  But the list of symptoms we know to keep an eye out for is a lot longer than the list of symptoms we don’t know.

There is hope.

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Little Health

Posted March 18, 2012 By kmarrs

Back story: as we were filling out the ADHD survey for Thomas to pass on to his pediatrician, we were realizing more and more that while Thoams is possibly/probably ADHD,  Luke is text book.  TEXT BOOK.

Some of our biggest issues with him, we have realized, are the direct results of his constant need for stimulation.  Time out, 4 minutes?  He is incapable of sitting still for 4 seconds.  Which leads to increased length of time out, just trying to achieve that 4 minutes.  His hands?  Constant search for activity.  Stimulation.  And cause and effect.  The finger tapping, crayon twirling is one thing.  But the snapping of toys in half because he is bored and wanted to see what would happen, is another.  Then comes the chewing.  He has not outgrown the infant need to mouth things.  For the longest time I’m like OMG CHILD WHAT THE HELL!  Then is finally came to me: stimulation.  He’s seeking it with his mouth.  Explains the different textures and such of what he chews on. (Books, toys, pillows, furniture, me.)

So.  I decided to buy him a teething toy.  Not unlike what his sister has.  Granted, the one I’m eying will both allow finger AND mouth fidget, but still much the same.  I just think we will see massive progress if we give him an acceptable outlet for his need to stimulate his brain.  I get it now.  I really do.  So I’ll take a closer look at the one I have in mind to be sure it is 4-year-old tooth and strength durable, and then I’m buying it.  Plus?  The most expensive of the type is like 3$.  If this fixes this constant battle or even just improves it, I think it could be the best investment ever.

So the diagnosis progress for both boys is as follows:

Thomas is going to therapy where I go to mine, but is being diagnosed through his pediatrician.  It is the most efficient set up for his age bracket and having spoken to that office, his Ped is more than qualified to make this call and treat the medication aspect.  Then the therapy will balance out the behavior.  But honestly, I think the therapy has been a success and he’s as good as it’s going to get without some medical help.  He is a good kid with great skills that he can implement.  He just needs something to take the edge off to make the flow smoother.

Luke has his first therapy session scheduled for early April.  He is young but he is advanced for his age in communication skills and Thomas’ therapist has willingly agreed to take him on.  He will go through his diagnosis and medication process with their children’s psychiatrist.  The Ped just isn’t equipped to diagnose someone his age.  The primary method they use to diagnose compares survey notes between parents and teachers.  Which is more than efficient.  But just doesn’t work at Luke’s age.  The psychiatrist, however, has a deeper education on this, since mental health is, after all, her specialty in the medical field, and will be able to use alternative means to asses someone who isn’t in school.

So hopefully in 6 month’s time, in time for the next year to start, both boys will be far enough along in this that decisions will weighed and meds tried.

I am not quick to throw a pill at an ail, but I am quick to do what I have to do to give my boys the best advantage possible in life.

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6 Months

Posted March 5, 2012 By kmarrs

First I tried to deny it happening.  I decided that since her 6-month birthday would be Feb 30, and Feb 30 simply can never exist, she just would never turn 6 months.  Like a time stop.  Don’t make me get the Tardis!

But I have an analytical mind, just as much as it is creative, and as March 1 came and went, I couldn’t deny the truth.  My baby is half way to being a year old.  She is sitting, eating solids, and the goofiest girl of my life.

Then I remembered, oh hey, I’m suppose to be hitting bottom with postpartum depression right about now.  Well then, if this is bottom than the top must be… I don’t even know because I’ve seen the bottom and this sure as hell isn’t it.

I’m not perfect.  But perfect isn’t possible.  I am human flesh and blood and as such, I have emotions.  I have good days, I have bad.  If my kids are tag teaming one another to push my buttons, I will get stressed and angry.  But, I’m not finding myself that much angrier than those around me.  And when I am sad, I’m not finding myself lingering in it.  When I hurt, I find it easy to pull myself out of my pain.

Months ago I feared the sad, the angry, the hurt.  I feared I was slipping back into the realms of BPD.  Every tear was followed by more drawn on a fear that I was losing this new me I had found.  Then the wiser ones in my life reminded me that everyone with emotions has bad days.  I am not to worry if I have a sad moment, but instead should worry if they never happen.


So, not every angry outburst, or tear is a BPD moment.  Some, simply, come with the flesh of life.  I had not calculated that.  And yet it seems so obvious.

Some are trying to figure out this new me.  Where does she come from?  Will she stay?  Will she linger until the next swing pulls her away?

I only have some answers for you, and I wonder at the rest myself.

I know I have found love in my new job.  I’ve said it before but I can’t say it enough.  I feel respected, appreciated, and talented.  I feel accomplished.  I feel whole.  There is much more I want to accomplish on this career path but I feel that while there is no immediate rush, my feet are firmly planted on the path I am meant to be on.

I am going back to school this summer.  I am taking one class towards my business degree.  Long run, while the full school picture is still developing, I am confident that no matter what, this business management degree is a good and strong foundation.  From there I can add math, psychology, or go full business.  But this degree is a start and I have time to decide the big picture while it’s under way.  So I have confirmed my financing, saved myself a seat, and will take one step at a time starting again this summer.

My daughter.  I try to put words to her but they seem inadequate.  She is the most laid back baby you could hope to meet.  Some babies cry when you put them to bed.  She cries if you don’t.  When she is tired, she gives her I’m ready cry and then you are good to lay her down, turn on her tunes, off the light and leave her be.  Rarely will you hear from her before morning.  In between sun rise and set she will tell you if she needs a nap, food or attention but in between she is content, happy and loving.  6 months in, even her youngest older brother is still fully smitten.  She makes me laugh.  She makes me cry.  She makes me love.

The boys are my weakness.  If anything were to pull me from this stable, it would be them.  But we are working on it.  Thomas is on the path to being diagnoses with ADHD and Luke is next.  Thomas’ therapist has agreed to see Luke and the agency will do the diagnosis, we just have to get the process started.  That takes time but it will happen.

My relationship with my husband, while I’m sure we’d both agree it has it’s moments, the vast majority of the time, we are very happy with one another.  Happier than we’ve been in years.  We are enjoying each other mentally, emotionally, and finally after years really and truly physically.  I couldn’t be happier.  I don’t ask for a rock free marriage.  I just ask that we both work together to make our way over the bumps and are quick to grab hold of one another the moment we reach the other side.  That’s all anyone should ask for.  I look forward to growing old with him.

I look forward to growing old.  With him, my family, and with me.

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