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Finals Week Stress Has Got Me Like Whoa

Posted December 11, 2017 By kmarrs

I have my final paper due Thursday at midnight.  And my presentation due Tuesday evening.  And I’m super stressed out.

But I’m taking Tuesday off of work so that I can work on it all night tonight.  Which is the plan.  Right after I fix a couple of broken things on my site.  Which I know, I need to stop dicking around.  But this is how I destress and get my brain ready to focus.  So after this test post I’ll buckle down and get to work.

After this, so like in 3 days, I’ll be out of school for something like 8 weeks.  And I’m planning to spend those 8 weeks reading all the things!

I also have exciting news for all of you!  So expect me back after finals week with an update.  I do hope to post more.  I need to get back to writing.  And if I can get in the habit while out of school, well, I’ll already be in the habit when in school.  They don’t all have to be massively long.

But yes, exciting news coming to you soon!

In the meantime I just need to deal with this stress.

Also, hopefully, I fixed the thing.  *crosses fingers*

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Like I went to bed last “night” at 5 AM and was up by 1 PM fully rested.

On work nights I no longer have to be asleep by 10PM in order to be up by 9AM, and dragging.  If I’m still awake at 11 or even midnight, I’m mostly ok.

I’m still very much a spoonie, and always will be.  I still have fibro to contend with.  Even if I’m in complete remission from my mental health issues, the full long list, fibro is an energy sap.  But like I’m doing better.

This is a huge sign I’m doing better.

Also, I’m reading for fun again.  Even though I’m still in classes.  See if I spend less time hiding from my depression on tumblr, I can find the time to read.

But like for so long, as much as I love books, I couldn’t find the interest in reading.  That’s how I knew it was time to change my anti-depressant, btw.  That was many many many months ago.  But it took awhile to climb out of the hole I was in.  Stress from school doesn’t help.

So in my down time, my main hobby was depression scrolling Tumblr.

I still spend a lot of time on this site.  But now it’s mostly to talk to my many friends.  That’s not depression.  That’s living.

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Dark Place

Posted October 29, 2017 By kmarrs

I’m currently in a very dark place.  Money just got super tight.  Tighter than it’s been in a very long time and I’m terrified.

Plus school is currently kicking my ass.  Though my current class is about to be over.  I just have to watch a few more educational video, read one more chapter, and then write a paper.  Oh yeah.  And take a test worth 20% of my final grade.  *sigh*  I’m just super stressed.

After this class comes a management class.  I have not actually looked at it yet.  But it is the standard form.  No tests, just papers and most likely a group project.  I’m still at a point in my life where that is stressful, but it’s less stressful than this current class and I’m use to that format.  Most of the classes at my school don’t test.

After that class, which is 6 weeks long and ends December 12, I’ll have about 8 weeks off from classes.  That will be a much needed and welcomed break.  2 of those weeks will also be a vacation from work.  Won’t help the money situation any, but the entire university shuts down over the holidays, so I have no choice.  We’ll just have to make the best of it.  I do need the vacation, so that’s good at least.  I just hope the stress of losing more income, doesn’t outweigh the relaxation of a vacation.

So overall mental health wise… I have goals in life so I’m not actively suicidal.  But I would very much like to just curl up into a little ball and sleep until the world is a better and kinder place.

Also I miss my old cat that use to catch flies mid air and eat them.  I don’t… I can’t live with cats because they drive me crazy, but this fly is driving me crazier.  And it’s just… I’m already on the brink of a total mental breakdown, I don’t really need a fly pushing me over the edge.

But there you have it.

How can you help?

See the links to my books over in the left hand side?  Every little bit of additional income helps me out.  So consider purchasing one or both.  Alphabet Antics especially makes a great gift for the 2-5-year-old bracket.  That’s straight up money towards my rent and bills.  Never before has rent been in jeopardy, but starting now, it is.

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School and Mental Health

Posted October 18, 2017 By kmarrs

I’m way past due on an update, but there just wasn’t much to write about.  But I’m sitting here with time to kill, and I actually have something to say.

Having taken a good 5-6 years at my education, I’m still a couple years out from complete, but I’m running out of loan money.  And my loan money is essential for paying for my education if everything stays the same.  And by everything staying the same I mean me going part-time, mostly.

Let me back up.  Some of you know how Grants like the Pell Grant work here in America.  Let’s say, and this is a random number, you are granted 2000$ per term.  That’s great, but that’s only if you go full-time, or a full 12 credit hours.  If you go 6-8 credit hours, you get exactly, to the penny, half that.  Now at schools where classes run 3 credit hours, going part-time at 6 credit hours, is no big deal.  Your grants will generally cover this.  But my school the classes are 4 credit hours so I either take two classes at 8 credit hours, but get the grant money for 6, or I take the full 12 and get the grant money for 12.  Now you’re starting to understand why it is I took out student loans in the first place.  My mental health is not as such I can go full time easily, and well, loans also give us an extra 2000$ per term, roughly, to put towards things like bills, car repairs, or once a year Christmas.

Now that my loan money has run out, however, I have confirmed the numbers, and like it or not, starting next fall I start up full-time.  I do have 1 more term (Winter) worth of loan money left.  And I’m taking this summer off.

I’m.  I’m about at my breaking point.  Just stress and the pressure to perform.  I’m maintaining just shy of a perfect 4.0GPA and I’m well aware that to get into OSU’s psych program I need to not fuck up.  I mean really.  They are one of the top 25 schools for psychology in the country.  It’s going to be hella competitive getting in, and I’m not a shoo-in.  So I need to maintain perfect grades and that’s a lot of pressure.

Having this summer off will be a big help.  Plus since I’m still part-time I was able to schedule it so that I have a total of 8 weeks off, counting the holiday break, starting at the end of December into February.  That will be good.  2 of those weeks I’m out of work even.  So that will be really nice.

I’m just very tired.  And very stressed.  And doing my best to maintain mental stability, but some days it’s very challenging.

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Update on Life

Posted August 19, 2017 By kmarrs

Ugh.  I’m suppose to be working on a science paper.  However, I have time to do that later, and I have not written here in a while, so why not procrastinate?

 

School:

I am a little more than halfway done with my bachelor’s degree.  I am estimating my graduation, if everything goes as planned, to be the spring of 2020.  Which I know sounds so far away.  But that’s me going halftime, taking two classes a term, and also me taking (hopefully) next summer off.  I’m due for a summer off.  And apparently we can do that now and still work.  See as a work-study I have to study to be allowed to work.  But they realized that sometimes we need a break from the study part.  So as long as we have studied the previous fall and winter terms, we’re allowed to take the summer off.  I would have done that this summer but I didn’t know about it in time.

Fall term has officially started.  I’m in week one of it.  I’m taking a general science class that is more focused on critical thinking and analysis than it is on a specific field.  But that’s ok.  We live in a world of global warming deniers and this is a business school.  So basically I took the science class that was both offered and required.  It’s a 12 week class (compared to the usual 6 weeks) and then I have a 6 weeks management course.  I don’t remember the specifics of the management course.  I’d look it up but I’m about 11 weeks away from giving a crap.  It’s an elective that seemed important to me at the time.  So I’m sure I’ll benefit from it.

 

Work:

Still doing the work-study for the mathematics department gig.  I basically plan to do this until either my boss gets sick of me or I graduate.  Hopefully the graduation happens first.  Then I’ll do a work-study, or whatever the equivalent is for a grad student, gig for OSU or wherever I end up.  Hopefully OSU.  Anyway, work is going well enough.  I just had a performance review.  My first of many.  18 months, almost, into the job.  But eh.  Anyway, there were no surprises.  I knew going into it where I need to improve and we agreed on everything.  So we discussed how I can do better in some areas and that was that.  I’ll get another review in 30 days or so.  I think.  At least that seems to be the plan.

 

Kids:

Everyone is happy and healthy.  Funny story, actually.  Sambam had a couple of major cavities in two of her molars, and at that size and at her age, they don’t fill them, they put crowns on them.  Something medical jargon here about the crown lasting longer and they’re just baby teeth.  Seemed weird to me but I got a second opinion just to be sure. (We had a bad experience with a dentist when Thomas was this age.  The dentist did unnecessary work for the insurance money and was later the recipient of a class action lawsuit.  So like we’re a little paranoid.)  Anyway, it’s legit so we took her to get her crowns this past Thursday.  They put her on laughing gas to calm her before using the needle to numb her.  And I’m telling you, my daughter was so calm and high (as a kite) she didn’t even notice the needle.  I sure did though and I hurt for her.  Anyway she got the crowns and was like the number one best patient of the day, everyone agreed.  And I was super proud of her.  She’s a good kid.

They all started school this past Wednesday.  Sammy is in first grade and loving it.  Lucas is in fourth and start intermediate school, which means he now has 8 periods, or so, and is switching classrooms.  He was nervous at first, but seems to have taken to it like a duck to water.  Thomas is in eighth grade and in his last year of middle school.  He’s growing up.  I’d say he’s as tall as me, but if I’m being truthful I think at some point in the past month he’s officially passed me.  And I’m not short.  I’m about average height, but he’s going to be tall.  Sammy turns 6 in a couple of weeks.  She’s maturing into quite the big kid.  She’s also turning into quite the artist.

Dragon

So most of her birthday presents this year are various art supplies.  The grocery store sells sketchbooks for like $2.50.  Plus colored pencils and of course huge boxes of crayons.  Then she is also getting coloring books just because.  Coloring is fun yo!  Anyway, the whole family is in on it together to supply her with all her art needs.  Plus a few other odds and ends.  But I think she’ll be happy with her haul this year.

 

Friends:

I have more friendship in my life right now than I’ve had, well, ever.  It’s mostly online, but I’m ok with that.  I do need someone local to meet for coffee or dinner once in a while but I’ll work up to that.  In the meantime, I have so much online friendship that like, I don’t feel like there is anything missing.  We’re all on Tumblr and it’s just this big group of us.  You should come chat me up over there.  I will warn that my feed is a constant stream of snakes and reptiles and fish.  One posting automatically every hour.  And then when I am on, it gets really political.  Like really political.  So like if you can’t stomach snakes or politics, maybe you shouldn’t join me on Tumblr.  Anyway, here is the link.

 

Health:

I haven’t almost bled to death in a couple of months.  So that’s a plus.  And last we checked my hemoglobin was up to 12.7 which is in the normal range.  The low-end of the normal range, so I’m still on the iron supplements, but I’m not like as anemic as hell as I was even a month ago.  Anyway, I’m just going to keep up with the iron and hopefully I’ll stop almost bleeding to death, and things will be good, yeah?

Mental health wise I’m ok.  Mostly just really tired.  I could have used this summer off from school.  Really really.  But it’ll be good in the long run to keep pushing though.  I’ll have a nice long break soon.  2 weeks for Christmas and then I think I can schedule another 6 weeks on top of that during winter term if I take 2 6 week classes and neither of them start in the beginning of the term.  Terms are 18 weeks long, so this is doable.  I just have to make it until then.  Also, that two weeks off for Christmas, will also be two weeks off from work, because the whole university shuts down.  So like, I’m counting the days.

I have not had any medication changes lately, but it’s been awhile since I’ve listed my meds, so why don’t I do that now?  In no particular order, and everything I take:

  • Gabapentin 900mg for fibromyalgia.
  • Ativan 1mg for anxiety – up to twice a day, but usually only once
  • Vitamin D3 2000mg because I get no sun ever
  • Ferrous Sulfate 650mg this is the iron
  • Protonix DR 40mg this is a super antacid that helps prevent my stomach from eating itself since I keep nearly bleeding to death
  • Geodon 100mg this is an antipsychotic I use off label for Borderline Personality Disorder.  It isn’t for everyone but it can be very helpful for those of us with BPD to be on a medication like this.  It helps with things like impulse control and angry outbursts.  In general I just feel more in control of myself on this medication.  However, a medication like this is not to be taken lightly.  There are serious possible and likely side effects so really talk it over with you meds doctor and weigh out the pros and cons.
  • Topimax 100mg for headaches mostly, but there is the added benefit of weight loss.  Again talk a medication like this over with your doctor.  There are better medications for headaches generally, but as I’m obese, I wanted something that would help with weight loss and I knew this one did so I asked for it by name.
  • Fetzima 80mg this is my antidepressant.  It’s a newer one and my insurance is not happy about it, but dudes I’ve been on them all and this is currently the one that works.  It has the added advantage of a norepinephrine boost so like it helps with my energy levels.  Which, between depression and fibro and anemia (these days), I need that boost.

And that’s everything.  I take these all at once in the evenings.  Which is not ideal but I’m horrible about remembering to take meds and this is the system that works for me.  So this is what I do.  My doctors know this about me a prescribe around it.

Also, on the subject of health, I have given up regular pepsi, and have switched to diet (coke).  I’ve lost 20-30 pounds in doing so.  I know it was the switch because that’s when I started losing weight.  So yay?  I have a long way to go and I’m working on it.  Taking walks.  Making healthier eating choices.  Eating less in general.  But I’ll get there.  I’ll never be super skinny.  It’s just not my body type and I’m on too many major psych meds that cause weight gain.  But I want to be at a healthier weight, whatever that means for me.  I’m also over all more interested in a healthier blood pressure, blood sugar level, and cholesterol level, than I am the actual shape of my body.  Health over size.

 

That’s everything I can think of so I’m signing out.  It’ll be awhile, I imagine, before I write again.  Life has me pretty busy and since my mental health is stable, it’s pretty boring.  Which is a good thing.  I promise to try and touch base next month.  I promise to try anyway.  If I can write monthly, I think that’s a good goal.  And of course, if anything interesting happens, I’ll write sooner.  In the meantime, I leave you with this photograph of my daughter cracking up on laughing gas.  She really is a doll baby.

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Nearly Died. Twice.

Posted June 17, 2017 By kmarrs

 

So.

Ok.

In something like March I was placed on Iron Supplements because my hemoglobin was a little low.  For women it’s suppose to be in the 12-15 range.  But mine was off a little.

Then in seemingly unrelated news, in early April. I had a bad night.  I thought I was just dehydrated severely, because I had really bad diarrhea. But “whatever the cause” I passed out twice.  Once while actually sitting down.  Full on blacked out and came to only after landing hard both times.  I rehydrated and took it easy the next couple of days, but went about my business.  Oh and my stool was black, but iron supplements do that, ya know?  Anyway, I had a doctor’s appointment in about a week and a half, I’d report all this then.  Couldn’t get in any sooner.  Nothing to fuss over.

But like those two passing out spells really knocked it out of me.  I was so fatigued.   And could hardly catch my breath.  But like I’m a fat chick and I’m always winded and the weather was nice so I was trying to be more active.  Walking more.  And well, fatigue is like an everyday thing with me.  This was more than usual, but I had just had a really bad health night so… Anyway I was seeing my doctor soon.  It would all get squared away.

So the big doctor day came.  I filled her in on all that and also my history or chronic loose stools that I thought had led to me passing out a week and a half prior.  She took all this in and it sort of made sense.  But she wanted some blood tests.  She needed to check on my hemoglobin anyway because I’d been on the iron for about a month and she wanted to see how that was going.  So I left the office with a new appointment for in a month, and went down the hall to the lab to get my blood drawn.  Thought nothing more of it.  And went home.

That night, right as I was crawling into bed at 10PM my phone rang.  It was my doctor’s office.  I needed to go ASAP to the hospital, no I couldn’t drive myself, my hemoglobin was at 6.8 and I needed a blood transfusion or two (hint I got 2) and they needed to find out why I was literally bleeding to death.

Anyway, to speed this up.  3 days, many tests, and lots of drawing blood and transfusioning blood later, I was sent home with the knowledge that the blood was coming from polyps in my stomach that had ruptured (and were treated), and my hemoglobin was back up to 9 something.  Also my antacid for my acid reflux was changed out to a protonix, that both helps with reflux, but will help prevent my stomach from bleeding anymore (laughs).  Oh, and I’m up to twice a day Iron Supplements because my hemoglobin is really low now.  But not dangerously low like it was.

so I take my meds like a good girl.  I go to the follow up appointment like a good girl.  I almost punch my doctor in the face like a good girl.  (long story)  I schedule an appointment for another month out.  This one was for this past Wednesday.  So like mid June.

The Thursday before that appointment I wake up, go to the bathroom, and am greeted by the very obvious signs that I’m bleeding again.  I sigh, email my boss, and get my husband to drop me off at the Emergency Room.  They check my hemoglobin, sure enough, in the span of about 6 hours it went from 8 something to 7 something to 6 something.  I wasn’t just loosing blood, I was loosing it fast.  Or had lost it fast, because they can’t find where it’s coming from.  This was the same hospital.  They had my history from my previous stay and are affiliated with my doctor’s office so they have my full work up.  They knew where to look first.  No sign of bleeding anywhere, other than, you know, the obvious blood loss.  So 2 more blood transfusions and they send me home.  Only this time I also got what’s called and iron infusion.  Which is basically the supplement liquified, tons of it, straight to the vein.

So here I am with the explanation that GI bleeds frequently heal themselves and I shouldn’t worry.  And oh by the way, the iron infusion I got at the hospital, and the second one I got as outpatient Friday, will make it look like I’m bleeding again, but I shouldn’t worry.  I know what symptoms to watch for when my hemoglobin is dangerously near death low, right?  Right.  But I probably won’t start bleeding again.  I mean why would I?

*turns and looks at the camera*

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