Month: April 2019

Surgery

Posted on by kmarrs

On May 9th I am getting something called an Endometrial Ablation. Which basically means they are removing the lining of my uterus. If all goes as planned, this means I will stop having a menstrual cycle.

The official reasoning behind this is my anemia. I’ve already had a tubal ligation, meaning I can’t have anymore children, so there is no medical reason for me to continue to lose blood every month, especially while suffering from anemia. This is a legit concern. So we’re putting a stop to it.

What it means for my gender dysphoria is off the record and not a concern. But considering a lot of trans people in my position go for full hysterectomies, if not full reconstruction…

What I’m doing is fairly routine and an outpatient procedure. I’ll only miss one day of work, and that’s because I couldn’t schedule for a Friday.

I’m, like, really excited for this surgery. I’m so sick of losing blood every month. It’s such a useless process at this stage in my life. Gender dysphoria not withstanding…

My Dad

Posted on by kmarrs

Longtime readers know my relationship with my dad, over the last 20 years especially, has been a rollercoaster.

The worst of it was when we lived together 6-12 years ago and he was trying to be head of house, while not really contributing to the household, and over stepping some boundaries when it came to the kids. I won’t hash it all up. It’s history and I’m trying to let go of some things. But I’ll sum it up by saying, 3 generations living together is rough, especially when it’s the middle generation that’s “in charge” and it was made worse by the fact that dad and Pat don’t really get along. It was a rough situation and it lasted too long.

Once we got dad out of our house, things were still sort of rocky for awhile. Not bad, just not good. Mostly awkward, with unsure footing.

But then Rachel almost died. And I realized I couldn’t take the relationships that matter for granted.

Now I would like to stress here that had my father been abusive (I know my audience, potential and confirmed) I would have cut the ties and walked away. But my father has never been abusive. It was just a bad situation and then an awkward one.

So the relationship was worth fixing.

I still didn’t jump right on it. I spent time with him occasionally. Like when I was at my mom’s house. And a few one-on-one daddy/daughter dates. But things weren’t really in motion yet.

Then I started weekly therapy just right down the road from him, but 30-45 minutes from my house, getting out of therapy as rush hour traffic started. It seemed like the perfect situation to be like, “Hey. Let’s spend time together.”

So now every week I have therapy from 4-5 and then I go and have dinner with my dad. Sometimes it’s fancier sit down. Sometimes it’s fast food. Sometimes we run an errand or two while we are out. I’m not up at that end of town too often, and dad doesn’t drive. So sometimes there are things that just need to get done, so we run errands together. It’s nice. Really nice.

This past Monday night we saw Captain Marvel together. I’d already seen it with Pat and the kids, but dad hadn’t. He has no one else in his life to see movies with, right now. So I suggested we catch an early showing. I think we are going to work movies into the plans more often. Maybe not monthly, but when there is something he wants to see.

Movies are especially good since there is company, but no talking. Dad and I talk about surface level stuff, but things just stay shallow. At least right now. It’s not bad. The frequent silence is comfortable. It’s just not deep. So movies are a good way to spend a few hours together in companionable silence, and still have entertainment.

I should have him take me to the new Men in Black when it comes out sometimes in the next month or so.

Anyway, there is room for imporvment in my relationship with my dad, but we’re actively working on it. So I think we’ll be ok. We may never reach deep waters, but some relationships are like that.

I know my dad loves me. And I think he enjoys my company. So that’s good enough for me.

I just… I need to work on trusting him. But that’ll come in time.

Stress

Posted on by kmarrs

It has come to my therapist’s attention that I self create most of my stress and that I need to be taught how to not do that.

It’s on the list of things to work on.

The list is, uh growing.

Anyway, as I mentioned previously, my resting pulse is like stupidly high. So if I can get my stress under control, I can hopefully get my pulse under control.

Also. While we’re on the subject of my therapist…

I really like her still. She calls me on my bullshit without hesitation, but in a caring manor. And then once she calls me on it, she makes it clear she’s happy to do the work to help me do the work towards correcting my bullshit. It’s really great!

She also isn’t afraid to challenge my psychiatrist of 12 years. Which really takes me out of my comfort zone. But it isn’t that she thinks anything bad of my med doc. She in fact understands how wonderful she is. Ruby, my therapist, just sometimes has a better view of the big picture because I’m with her for an hour every week and that’s a lot of time dedicated to figuring out my needs.

When I found out from my meds doc that I couldn’t be on anxiety meds and ADHD meds at the same time, my meds doc and I both agreed that the anxiety meds were probably more important.

It was Ruby who went “well actually” and helped frame the consideration that my ADHD is the root cause of a lot of my anxiety and that treating the ADHD would help with both.

So anyway, therapy is great. I really like my therapist. She isn’t afraid to call things as she sees it, but just it in the most supportive manner. It’s really, really great!

Untreated ADHD

Posted on by kmarrs

I have spoken to my psychiatrist about treating my ADHD and it just isn’t going to happen yet.

The main concern is that my rest heart rate, for a year or more now, has been in the 120-130’s. This is, of course not good. Add in a stimulant, which is how to treat ADHD, and there is an increased, serious risk of me having a heat attack. We both agreed that it is to be avoided. Especially since I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude without treatment.

One of the other concerns is that I will have to stop my anxiety meds. But it’s been argued, by my therapist, that a lot of my anxiety is tied to my ADHD. Which is valid. Executive dysfunction, the inability to initiate tasks, makes any task super stressful for me. And I get super bad anxiety just thinking about what all is on my to-do list, knowing I’m going to have to beat executive dysfunction with all of it.

So why now? Why not seek treatment before?

Because I’m getting to the point where my ability to function is affecting my ability to be successful in my job. Plus it’s really hard to study for a test, successfully, with ADHD. Between the inability to focus and the ability to have any functioning memory what-so-ever…

See, Franklin University, my current school, doesn’t really have tests outside of math and science. We have big final projects and an abundance of papers instead. So I don’t really need to memorize facts. And I am really good at finding sources and writing papers. It has gotten me far at Franklin. It has gotten me Summa Cum Laude. But that won’t fly in grad school. I’m assuming I’ll have finals to take. Which scares the shit outta me, if I’m on my own.

And for now, I’m on my own because my pulse is 120.

Actually, it’s currently 114. I know this because I’m now wearing one of those watches that tracks your vitals. I’m hoping… see, I get really stressed out these days when someone takes my vitals because I know they aren’t great. At least my pulse isn’t. So it makes me anxious which increases my heart rate. I’m hoping if I can have long term tracking through the day, every day, without me thinking about it, that my pulse will be better and I can show it to my psychiatrist. The goal is a consistent average of under 100. Or rather, a consistent high, of under 100. Somewhere between the two.

So for now I track and then hopefully I’ll stabilize and we can get me on ADHD meds.

5 Months

Posted on by kmarrs

I’m officially 5 months out from graduation. But the next 5 months are going to be brutal. I’m going to try my best to keep the queue going with a post dropping every Monday at the usual time. The Thursday post just might not happen for a while though. We’ll see.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to let you know what’s going on. I’m doing my best but I have got to keep on top of school. Work is super busy too. And of course family is a constant at all times.

So while I’m not dropping the blog, I am focusing on the Monday posts for now.

With Honors

Posted on by kmarrs

It’s not 100% but unless I really fuck up one of my few remaining classes…

I walk the stage on August 6th and will be wearing top Latin Honors. I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude!

I’ve been practically working myself to death to maintain a nearly perfect GPA. With the exception of a single B, I have straight A’s. I berate myself over that B but apparently, one bad grade doesn’t matter. I’m still considered a top achieving student and I can finally forgive myself for that B and breath.

I feel more confident in my future now. I’m applying to one of the top programs in my field in the country. It’s right down the street and I won’t have to move my family to attend. But I can only imagine how competitive it is to get in! I’ve been so worried that my GPA would hinder me since it’s (currently) a 3.96 which is less than ideal, for my goals. However, if it’s good enough for Summa Cum Laude, then I guess it can be good enough for me.

Now I just have to blow the GRE out of the waters and I might stand a chance at my dream school!