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Dysphoria With Presentation

This was a Tumblr post I wrote about 3-4 months ago not long after I sent that email to my family I shared with you.

So this whole coming out as nonbinary thing.

Like… I present female.  Not because I consider myself female but because pants are bullshit and dresses and skirts are just a million times more comfortable to me.  I don’t wear makeup.  I shave my head all the way down to fluff.  But I still wear a dress or skirt 95% of the time.  I actually only own one pair of pants that fit me.

And like… I feel like I’m not valid calling myself nb because I am afab and I look like a girl and I may never try to pass as nb other than maybe top surgery.  But even then I’m not sure if I want to go all the way flat or maybe just down to a B-cup.  (I’m very top heavy.)

I just feel fake.  Or more accurately I feel like I come off as fake even if I know in my heart I’m not a girl.

And further, how do I… like my parents…  “Ignore the skirt.  I’m not a girl.”  Like they aren’t of a generation that will understand that some men wear dresses.  So I don’t know… I feel like my mom is thinking to herself, “It’s ok.  She still wore a dress this weekend.  She’s still you daughter.”

I just don’t know how to present myself as valid.

Maybe… are like, men’s pants more comfortable?  Is that what I’m doing wrong?  Shopping in the women’s section?  I don’t mean mentally more comfortable.  I mean physically.  Because pants are kind of really bullshit.

I will say I feel a little bit better since then. For Christmas my dad got me Doc Martins combat boots that are waterproof. I intended them to be winter and yucky weather shoes, since the keds I normally wear aren’t weather resistant or friendly. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d be able to wear the boots all the time. My feet are all fucked up from the fibromyalgia so it’s really hit and miss (mostly miss) with shoes. I wear the keds with everything because they were the only shoes that were really comfortable. I have a pair in white and a pair in black. But anyway, I put on these boots and it was like magic. Not only are they comfortable, but I feel… not feminine in them. Like they add an edge to even the softest of dresses.

I think I’m also going to get a handful of flannel shirts and add them over the dresses and just… I realize it’s a butch lesbian look and I’m not a lesbian, but I think it will help.

I’m not aiming to look like a boy. And I don’t think I’m going to stop wearing dresses and skirts. Pants are and forever will be bullshit. I just want to… rough up the look. I dunno. Gender is confusing and gender presentation is even more confusing. I’m basically making this up as I go along, trial and error.

Trial and error.

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