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Downward Spiral

I seem to be on a 4 year cycle.  At the cusp of the 4 years I spiral downhill fast into a really bad year.  Then I claw my way back out of it and have a couple of years of really good mental health and then a fourth year of decent enough but edging towards the cusp mental health.  Then rinse repeat.

I hate predicting it, because it’s like I’m making it true, but the pattern holds.  Every 4 years I enter a romantic entanglement as a means of escaping and trying to feel better, and in the process sabotage my relationship with my husband.  We separate.  Near divorce.  And I spiral further down.  The romantic entanglement blows up in my face, because it’s not a health relationship to start out with, and I fly back to a confused and hurting Patrick who eases my pain.

This time will be different.  First, I know my pattern and there will be no romance.  Even if there is, as Pat and I are now in an open relationship, I don’t have to sacrifice anything.  I can be open and honest with him, and trust him to guide me through treacherous waters.  I know this sounds unfair to him.  But it’s something we’ve come to together.  It’s far healthier than the alternative, and he’s wanted an open relationship for years.  So this isn’t just me.

As far as my spiral goes, I’m trying to head it off.  I’m in a healthy, low pressure job.  I’m kind of stuck in school, can’t take a term off, but the routine might be beneficial.  Also the shrimp project and the fish keep me mellow.  And the learning to crochet gives me distraction.  So I’m using my DBT skills.  So I think I’ll be ok.  It would be nice to make it through the next year without landing in the hospital.

Because I’m drawing ever nearer to the cusp.

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