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Touching Base In A Borderline Life

I’m in this weird position where things in life are going well, but I’m still not happy.

We usually have money troubles, but we were able to get a 2K advance on my student loans and that allowed us to catch up and get everything up to date.  We then have more money, twice as much I think, coming in October and that will allow us to pay ahead even.  So it’s not like we’re rolling in cash, but things could be and have been a lot worse.

We’ve been in this house a year now and we still love it.  We still want to grow old here.  It’s all that we could ask for.

My sister is healthier.  She still has a lot of healing to do, but she’s getting there slowly but surely.  We knew this would be a long process but she’s in no immediate danger.

The boys are back in school.  Sambam starts preschool Monday.  She is so ready.  We are so ready.

Pat and I are eh.  We spend too much time together.  I think it’s our personal mental health causing spousal drama.

The word I’m using is apathetic.  I feel apathetic towards life.  I also threw into the mix: agitated.  I don’t know why.  There is no certain thing or person agitating me.  I’m just agitated.

And Apathetic.

2 Comments

  1. Ping from Her grawlixness:

    Hi, I don’t know the best way to say this, but I have to say something because I wish someone had said something to me.

    Everybody’s different, but those can be a reaction to SSRIs. Not just a side-effect, but the main effect. What you described is basically my reaction to all SSRIs. ALL. OF. THEM. I was on them for more than TEN YEARS, and my apathy kept getting my dosage increased, and I kept feeling farther away from myself (which was one of the sources of my agitation, I think).

    Over this heavily medicated course of treatment, I did some awful, awful things to myself. I think I’m lucky that what I learned in therapy really stuck in my head so I was able to actually make use of it when I finally came around. I KNOW I’m lucky I had access to good therapy.

    SSRI apathy or SSRI indifference: it’s a real thing. If you google it, you’ll find its been studied. Some people don’t mind it (how can they tell?), some people are only a little bothered by it, but it made me feel extra-crazy. So you, and everyone who takes meds, should be aware of it. Actually, the folks who prescribe should be the most aware.

    I’m not advising or suggesting that you quit your meds, though. Sometimes just knowing where weird feels are coming from makes them easier to deal with. And remember: when you’re chewin’ on life’s gristle, don’t grumble–give a whistle! And this’ll help things turn out for the best…

    • Ping from kmarrs:

      You make a good and valid point. One I had forgotten.

      I’m kind of in this place of not wanting to make any huge judgments on my mental health until school has started. But yeah.

      Thank you.

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