Month: April 2015

When Paper Work Affects A Life: Health Insurance and BPD

Posted on by kmarrs

pills medication BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Depression Anxiety BipolarAs I type this I’m currently withdrawing from Ativan because I ran out.  I ran out because a minor paperwork fuck up with welfare caused us to lose our insurance for a month.  It’ll be back on May 1, they assure us, and in the meantime if we pay out-of-pocket for the medication Lucas and I need, they will reimburse us.

Because yes, I have a couple grand just laying about.  Luke’s meds alone cost $500.  My Ativan wouldn’t be too bad, but my Geodon dose that I’m running out of next weekend is over a grand by itself and that withdraw is brutal.  Not to mention it’s one of the top medications I take.

So some guy sitting in an office made a mistake, and now we either come up with a couple thousand dollars, that they’ll pay back, or Luke and I proceed to run out of medication one at a time.  Thank God his Vyvanse that he ran out of 2 weeks ago doesn’t cause withdraw.  It just leaves him suffering serious and sometimes dangerous ADHD symptoms.  This is the kids that tried to fly a few years back when he was unmedicated.  That physics experiment left him with a broken wrist.  Luckily age has brought him some wisdom.

Then there is me.  A month ago I was attempting to get myself admitted because I was in rough shape, and now I can’t even take my meds properly.  How is this ok in someone’s eyes.

Anyway, we’re not taking this sitting down.  Pat is writing angry emails to supervisors and spelling out the facts.  We can’t afford to pay out-of-pocket and we can’t afford for me to run out of Geodon.  I can go without my Ativan and I’ll survive the withdraw.  I can even go without my anti-depressant, I might just need to hide for a few days.  But man-o-man is that Geodon withdraw nasty.  I’ll be going from 80 MG to nothing cold turkey, I have no means of tapering down, and unless they find a solution, I have no power to prevent it.

You can’t just cold turkey meds.  Medical rule #1.  You can’t cold turkey psyche meds.  It’s dangerous.  It causes bigger problems.  The list of side effects of a cold turkey is worse than the symptoms themselves.  For reference, if I was on a larger dose of Ativan, I could be suffering seizures right now.  Instead, and thankfully, I’m only light-headed, nauseous, agitated, and suffering worse anxiety than usual.

But man the Geodon.

The Walking the Borderline Weekender

Posted on by kmarrs

Walking the Borderline Blog BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

So my monthly dinner party is tonight. The lovely Dez and Sarah will be joining me to celebrate spring! We’re going to be eating fresh and talking dirty. Wait. No. That sounds about right. Let’s just say the dinner parties imply we’re proper ladies, but well, only one of us actually identifies as a woman and the rest of us don’t keep the conversation clean for her sake.

Also, my hair is now blue. There are mini pics to the right. I’ll show something larger on Wednesday.

This week in my store:

My newest shirts

  • A Study in Violet
  • Owl Sketch
  • Book Worm
  • Coat of Arms
  • Tough Girl -NSFW
  • Road to Recovery – I want this

All items are now 15% off, and customer mother’s day gifts are 30% off! You do remember mother’s day is coming up, right?

Speaking of my store, you can find a link to the WTBL new items up along the top. It’ll take you here. I actually own the pink shirt. No joke, I love it! All items in the WTBL store are great ways to support the blog.

 

Quote of the week:

“Napping is like a time machine…”-Pat
“No, no it’s not…”-Sammy

 

In closing, this confession:

So Thomas (11) has wanted his hair dyed blue since he was little. And as it’s just hair and something he wants for him, and summer nears, and well there is enough in the jar I used on mine… Yep. Kid just has to get out of school.

Meanwhile Sambam (3) also wants blue hair just like momma. And if she still wants it when she’s 11 and is no longer just trying to be like momma, she too can have funky hair. That’s the rule. 11 and not just trying to follow someone else’s lead.

Something Blue

Posted on by kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPDSee it’s like this.  I dyed my hair black all through high school, but I always wanted to do at least my tips or roots or something (anything!) a funky color.  My mom said no and wouldn’t budge.  Once I became an adult I was working one job after another and funky hair just wasn’t an option.  You’d think that somewhere in time I’d have grown out of it.  But right now I’m in a spot in my life where I have no one to report to outside of my family, and I could use a little funky in my life.  Even my mom says it makes sense.  Not that I asked permission, but I did warn her.  Oh, she has loosened up some in the decade plus since I graduated high school so it would have been cool.  But as I said, I wasn’t looking for permission.  Just validation.  Which I got.  And I’m going with turquoise.

Baby Fever

Posted on by kmarrs

It’s fairly well documented that I get baby fever something fierce when my youngest is about 3 years old.  Sure enough, my kids are basically 4 years apart, currently 11, 7, and 3.

You guessed it; OMG do I have the fever!  Like you wouldn’t believe.

Now, this is obviously the worst time ever to have a baby and I already have three, so… no.  No more babies especially not right now!  (No self, no!)  Luckily, I’m fixed. Follow that link.  It sums up nicely why a 4th baby is right out.  That and my pregnancy with Sambam nearly killed me.  There is an entire category that gives you the play by play there.

So Pat does what Pat does, and he took my to the pet store.  I have to say, the entire trip and purchase, because of course there was a purchase, was 100% his idea meaning he can’t even get upset at me for it.  In fact, he thanked me!  He freakin’ thanked me for allowing him to bring a furbaby into the house.  If that isn’t BPD manipulation, I don’t know what is.  I’ve only wanted one of these forever.

So, meet Sweet Pea.  Named because she is as sweet as sugar, and because she peed all over my husband in the early hours of joining the family.  (We didn’t have her home/potty set up yet and there had been a car ride.)

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Also, as I’ve bitched about money on here in the past few months, it’s worth stating the following:

  • All bills are paid up to date.
  • Kids have new and a responsible amount of clothing for the coming season.
  • We have all material needs, and some wants, met and recently.
  • David, my brother-in-law who lives here, just found a job and all the above should remain true for the foreseeable future.
  • Babies cost more than we spent on Sweet Pea.
  • She has my husband trained to snuggle her when she whines at him.
  • My heart is full of glee.

I’ll Take A Virgin Please: Me, BPD, and Alcohol

Posted on by kmarrs

BPD and Drinking, bad mixI’ve thought a lot over the past decade, and especially, the past year, about my alcohol consumption and I want to talk about that with you all now.

Full disclosure: I’m currently sipping on about 2 oz of rum in a fruit punch kickstart as I type this Monday night.

So over the past, oh, 8 years especially, I’ve seen a pattern where I do my most drinking when I’m depressed. (Or the 1st of the month working at the bank.)  This isn’t good.  I know that there is nothing wrong with alcohol in moderation, but when I’m at my worse, there is no moderation.  I proved this about a year and a half ago.

Then my sister got sick.  Really sick.  Alcoholism isn’t the sole cause, but it certainly exuberated the problem that was there. (Something genetic, and autoimmune related, we don’t know what but the doctors agree no amount of drinking could have killed her liver this bad that fast.)

Over the past year I’ve warred with myself over whether I should stop drinking altogether, just better monitor and limit it, or leave it alone since I’m always safe with it (in my own home, not driving) and not an alcoholic.

Those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder tend to have addictive personalities.  Meaning, we are a lot more prone to abusing alcohol and/or drugs.  I’ve always known this and even at my most depressed where rum and vodka are a nightly escape, I’ve always recognized when it’s gotten out of hand, as I watch for it, and I always stop before I lose full control.  I never question the glass of wine on special occasions, but I’ve been careful with drinking for the wrong reasons.  I allow myself a few nights of wallowing in misery, but much beyond that, I recognize where it’s going and stop it before it becomes abuse.  This is a conscious choice I make.

Now… I start to feel bad over even thinking about drinking.  I think the emotion I’m looking for is guilty.  How can I choose to have a drink, when my sister is literally dying from drinking too much?

Well, because I’m not my sister.  I still hold the power within me to choose when too much is too much and stop with ease.  Both in an evening and in a pattern of evenings.  Because I have no medical reason I can’t enjoy a glass of wine on occasion.  Or destress with a shot of rum after an evening of my daughter being particularly 3.

Because really, I have nothing to feel guilty about, I remind myself.

Will I drink in front of my sister?  Well, at least not anytime soon.  But after she gets her transplant (we hope) and it’s all behind us, wine might again get passed around on Christmas, just not to her.  Or it never will again, and that’s ok too.

Will I ever get drunk again?  Maybe, but it’s lost any and all appeal.  Not only does escaping my depression via drinking not actually work, but the thought actually depresses me even more.  I’d rather sleep it off, or lose myself in a book or movie.

Will I allow myself tonight’s shot of rum guilt free?  Well, I’m working on that.  It’s not for the best reason, but it’s literally only 2 oz, and it’s been a long time now since I’ve had a drink.

I may decide in the future to never drink again, but really, as I’m teaching my 11-year-old, who is currently very anti-alcohol as he watches his beloved aunt maybe die because of it, there is nothing wrong with alcohol in moderation.  Special occasions, or limited amounts even frequently.  Red wine is good for the heart, and I think most can unwind after a long week/day with a single drink and not have it be a problem or abuse.

If you do have problems with alcohol, please get help for it now before it becomes too late!  My sister is all of 28 so there is literally no such thing as being too young for complete liver failure.  What can you do for me to comfort me in my grief?  You can get help if you need it to not die of something very preventable.