Archive for April, 2015

This One Is About Poop

Posted April 30, 2015 By kmarrs

banana21When I was in roughly the 5th grade, I came home from school and had an afternoon snack that consisted of a couple of bananas.  It wasn’t long before I was in some of the worst pain of my life coming from my stomach.  My mom came home from work to find me in the fetal position on the family room floor, all but unable to move, sure I was dying.  She knew right away that something was horribly wrong and took me immediately to the emergency room.

As I type, I’m experiencing this exact pain again and have been for the past 24 hours.

Back to 5th grade and the emergency room.

After hours and hours of testing it was confirmed I was…

dun dun dun…

constipated.  Not just a little, but to the point that it was serious.  They, uh, treated me, cleared my system completely out, and sent me home feeling as if nothing had ever been wrong.  Also, seriously hungry because it was about 2AM, I hadn’t eaten in like 10 hours, and my system was void of everything.

20 years later, having refused to repeat the emergency room experience, I’m now slowly working on clearing everything out on my own.  I’m overdosing on miralax and coffee with the knowledge that loose stools, while unpleasant, are far better than what I’m currently going through.

Luckily, well, let’s just say that due to being lactose intolerant, I have officially sent my husband to the store after medically necessary ice cream.

I’m not going to suggest you feel jealous, because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but medically necessary ice cream is about the best thing ever.

Also, I officially have not eaten a banana in 20 years.

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Wordless Wednesday

Posted April 29, 2015 By kmarrs
Borderline Personality Disorder BPD Therapy Symptom management

The husband, oldest, and I are playing a new game. It’s been awhile since I’ve played a mmorpg. But I’m enjoying myself and the escape from reality. Reality and I aren’t getting along recently. So this is great therapy.

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Depression Belly

Posted April 28, 2015 By kmarrs

Did you know it’s been medically proven that people who are depressed tend to gain weight around their middle?  In fact, often beer bellies are actually depression bellies because anyone drinking that much beer is probably also depressed.  Not always, but often.

Well, here is my depression belly in all it’s glory.

depression weight gain bpd borderline personality disorder blog

This is what I see when I look down.  I look about 6-7 months pregnant.

I’m sharing this with you not because I’m proud, but because this is one of those ugly realities of depression.  Most would look at me and think I’m a lazy glutton.  In reality my depression has actually decreased my appetite and I’m actually exercising more these days than I ever have in my past.  This is pure depression.  A physical manifestation that I carry around my middle.

Mt weight isn’t going up or down.  It’s staying steady.  So I’m choosing to see that glass half full when I can.

But the reality of it is, being sad makes me fat and being fat makes me sad and I’m stuck in the middle of a catch 22.

So… I’m going to continue focusing on portion control even when my appetite eventually comes back.  I’m going to continue on the exercise even when I don’t want to.  These days all I can really put my heart into is walking, but it’s good for me both physically and mentally, so it’s something.  I’m currently trying to walk around the block once a day.  When my joints no longer moan  after that, I’ll up it to twice a day, and so on.  If I have to, I’ll take my damn cane.  But I’m trying.

And that’s the best I can do: try.

I suppose that’s the best anyone can do in any situation.

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The Walking the Borderline Weekender

Posted April 25, 2015 By kmarrs

Walking the Borderline Blog BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

This weekend, for my anniversary, my mom has all 3 kids, and we have gotten rid of my brother-in-law.  So Pat and I have the house to ourselves.  We have big plans!

Sleep.

Well, no.  I mean yes, but no.  I’ll probably play Magic the Gathering with him.  Maybe I can talk him into a board game or a movie.  We’re broke but we don’t need to go anywhere.

I am going to use some quiet time to write.  And I have a pile of books to finish.  Our house is never quiet so I’m just going to enjoy it.  With my husband of 12 years.

 

Quote of the week:

This ramble brought to you my 11-year-old, Thomas.

A button!  I want to push the button!  I like pushing buttons!  They are fun!  Except dad’s buttons.  Those aren’t fun to push. … Or yours.  Those buttons aren’t fun either.

 

In closing, this realization:

I currently have more library books, then some people own total.  And that saddens me.  I don’t understand people who don’t read.  I don’t understand people who don’t own any books at all.  I’m not saying you have to have hundreds of books.  Not even dozens.  I understand owning just your favorites and borrowing the rest.  I don’t understand not having favorites.  How can you not have a favorite book?

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Marriage and BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

See that scruffy looking nerf herder? I’ve been married to him for 12 years as of tomorrow!

I know! He’s put up with my shit for 12 years!  I shouldn’t be so hard on myself as I’ve put up with his shit just as long, but since just today I broke 2 of his toes by rolling over them with my desk chair while he leaned in to hug me, I would like to present him with the award for most patience.

I also really love this photo of him.  I think it captures his angelic essence.

(Look how green his eyes are!  I love them so much!  I love him so much!  Here is to hoping for another dozen plus more years of being able to look into those eyes!)

 

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Wordless Wednesday: She’s Blue!

Posted April 22, 2015 By kmarrs

Blue Hair Turquoise Borderline Personality Disorder BPD Blog

 

I will say my hair does NOT photograph well and neither do I.  But I promised photos.

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