Archive for March, 2015

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and FriendshipA direct copy/paste of a conversation with a dear friend.  Please note, this friend, her partner, Pat, and I have monthly dinner parties.  They are fun little get-togethers that force me to be social, and Sarah and Dez are my kind of people even when I don’t like people.

And Action:

Dez
yeah that would be cool and that’s good. how is the family doing?

Karen
Not too bad
sick the whole lot of them. I’m the only one that has stayed healthy which is odd.
Pat has bronchial pneumonia
Sambam is coughing so bad she keeps puking. Luke and Thomas it’s just coughing.

Dez
oh my good glob that is horrible, i hope everyone starts feeling better soon and glad you’ve been able to stay healthy.

Karen 
I’m a mental mess but I’ll pull through. I’m well medicated and have a good team professionally and support in friends and family.
When I try to cancel this next party, show up anyway, fuck the theme, and just force me to hang out. That goes for the next few. Maybe bring chocolate. Probably bring chocolate.

Dez 
with everything you have going on i couldn’t imagine glad to hear that you have a good support system all the way around and the meds are helping. you know i am here for you no matter what. i love you and your whole family. haha sounds good. i wanted to talk you about that, we could just hang out fuck the theme. i mean i can still bring pretty fruit and chocolate, even chocolate covered strawberries?

Karen 
omg yes
I’m still doing the salmon and salad because that sounds good to me

Dez 
sounds fine and we can throw you money towards that?

Karen 
Sure

Dez 
i was afraid there would be too many dishes. i would still like to find the purple asparagus and make that

Karen
That sounds delish. Grill it with some lemon

Dez 
sounds wonderful

Karen 
sounds like a plan

Dez 
great

Karen
so salmon, salad, asparagus, and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert

Dez
omg i just want to eat that right meow

Karen
I’m hungry as it is

Dez
i didn’t think i was until we discussed this lol

Karen
Pat was cooking for me, luckily

Dez
pat’s awesome

Karen
He is

And scene!

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Mental Health Check In

Posted March 26, 2015 By kmarrs

Depression BPD Borderline Personality Disorder BipolarI am in the throes of a clinical deep depression.  I’m not going to sit here and blame it all on my brain chemicals acting up, but they certainly aren’t helping.  Basically all of the stress, except money, has been removed from my life, but I’m still…

I feel empty.  I’m having trouble finding interest in things I normally find interesting.  I’m constantly exhausted, but having trouble sleeping.  I have no real appetite unless I’m downright starving because I have not eaten all day.  I’m not BPD raging, but I still have my breaking point where I just want to yell and scream and then cry myself to sleep.

And that’s where I’m at.

It’s a miserable, dark, lonely place.

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My Almost Lover

Posted March 25, 2015 By kmarrs

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If You Had 90 Days

Posted March 24, 2015 By kmarrs

sad depressed liver failureThese seem to be the official numbers as they stand right now.  Could things change?  Possibly.

Rachel had the false positive already mentioned and explained here, on January 29th of this year, 2015.  She will not be eligible to be put onto a list in this state, until she is 6 months sober, and while she is actually already 7 months sober, they are going from that January date.  So she will be eligible to be put on the list for a transplant on July 29th.

However, a week and a half ago, she was given an estimated 90 day life expectancy.  So basically the end of June.

Now, that is an estimated life expectancy.  That is also when she is eligible for this list.  Each state has different laws and each center has different lists.  As she is really really really sick, and I mean really sick, she might find herself on a different list and she would probably be up near the top of it.  So, we’ll see.  The fact it’s a false positive might also be helpful in her favor.

I’m going to leave it as this, as this is a matter very personal to not just me, but my family.  However, as this much has made it to Facebook I should be ok.

I just… I’m taking this hard.  I’m struggling with thinking positive and optimistic.

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Intermission

Posted March 22, 2015 By kmarrs

borderline personality disorder blog bpdI am no longer in position to promise a post a day.  I am going to be spending more time with my sister and it might take some from my writing.  That said, I’m also going to be looking for means of mindful therapy, and writing has always been that for me.  And it isn’t like I’m spending time on school or work.  So really, I suppose it could go either way.  I just know I no longer have a stockpile of posts scheduled a month in advance.  So we’ll just see.  I’ll still post no matter what at least a few times a week.  Just don’t be overly alarmed is things quiet down some.

I’ll also post more on my sister as that develops, but that won’t be a daily or weekly thing.

 

God I’m tired.

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A Loving Mother

Posted March 20, 2015 By kmarrs

Narcissistic Mother and Borderline Personality DisorderI thought I should balance out the negative of the, what I assume to be hurtful to my mother, news of her having narcissistic traits, and being invalidating in many ways, I would list as many of her good mothering qualities as I could.  These are in no order, just as they come to me.

  • I have never doubted her love for me.  She has never given me reason to.  Even when she’s being hurtful she’s loving enough that I know it’s there and real.
  • She is one of the strongest women I know.  In the past year and a half she has lost her sister and a brother, and now she faces losing a daughter.  I don’t know how she keeps going, but she does.
  • Anytime I leave her house after dark, she makes sure to tell me to text her once I’m home safely.  That’s the love of a mother.
  • Chicken crescent squares.  My favorite meal that she makes when I need it the most, on special occasions, and sometimes just because.
  • She is a very loving grandmother.  She is very involved in their lives and openly adores my kids.
  • She has always complimented my veins.  This one came up in the hospital while visiting my sister, as my sister is severely anemic and having trouble offering up good veins to the nurses for them to poke.  Anyway, my mom has been a med tech for decades now and has always complimented my veins.  As weird as that sounds, from my mom that is a high compliment.
  • She always compliments my math skills.
  • I have mad budgeting skills that my mom gives props to.  I can go into a store with a list and a fifty dollar budget and spent 49.99.  It’s a gift.
  • With all that is going on with my sister, my mom has kept up-to-date with all appointments and every single individual detail of everything in my sister’s medical life.  She’s also very proactive in getting my sister healthy and is organizing the search for a donor list that will take her.
  • Mom has never been one to say no to books.  Parents can’t say yes to everything their kids ask for.  Even if they can afford to, that’s how you raise spoiled brats.  My mom, like all moms, said no her fair share of the time.  However, when it came to books, I heard yes a lot more often than I heard no.  It was my mom’s way of validating what really mattered to me.

That list could and should go on but I got distracted by a dying sister and watching my mom’s shining strength in a horrid situation.  I am confident that if I were the sick one, and my sister healthy, my mom would be doing the very same for me.

I can’t say my mom is emotionally neglectful.  Not fully.  You hear all these stories, including from my readers, and that just isn’t and wasn’t my mom.  She says hurtful things and she struggles to validate.  However, it’s worth pointing out I can be very closed off, so it is possible the problem isn’t all her.

When I had that conversation with my mom, it wasn’t in therapy like planned.  It was sitting in a hospital cafeteria the day before that post went live, because it was the best we could do in the chaos around us.  It was looking like mom wasn’t going to be able to make it to the therapy appointment, for valid reasons, and so I just got it out-of-the-way.

I had already typed up what I wanted to say.  My words offered validation to my mom while still sharing the observation I had made.  I made it quite clear I’m not accusing her of anything, because I’m really not.  I didn’t offer up more than one example as to how she is hurtful or invalidating, because I didn’t want this to be about all the things she did wrong, and a huge mudslinging debate.

I instead asked her to consider my words.  I asked that I be allowed to write about it.  I asked that she be willing to consider a filter between brain and mouth, with assurances it isn’t all her, and I’m working on mine.

I listed and validated that I am a very closed off person in many ways and I see I may not have been easy to validate or that mom may not have known how to, but I still put forth that isn’t the full of it, and she accepts that.

She isn’t emotionally neglectful, she is lacking in skills on how best to approach.  There is a huge difference there.  At least to me.  The difference being that she wants to learn how better to validate.  She wants to learn when she’s being hurtful so she can not do it again.  We’ve even agreed on a “safe word” of sorts where I say “relationship”, when she’s said something that could hurt our relationship, and she will reflect on what she just said and try to learn from it.  She can’t get mad at me for using the word, and I will try to be patient with the learning curve.  Because she wants to learn, and I want to teach.

As I lose my sister to a horrible disease, a disease where her days are literally numbered, it has made us all the more aware how precious relationships really are.  My mom is not this big horrible figure of pain and agony from my childhood or even now.  No, she isn’t perfect but she’s willing to learn.  And even when she is being hurtful, she still in her ways is able to show her love.

Yes, her narcissistic traits have helped shape my BPD, but I am able to say without a doubt that she didn’t create that.

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