Level 10

I think everyone has those moments in their life that are on constant repeat even decades later where they are like, “Omg did I really say/do that?” In most cases, I think we blow them out of proportion and we feel this undying mortification or regret for things that we are, in fact, the only ones to remember.  We are, after all, our own biggest critics.

I do also think, however, that someone with BPD who is at their most unstable adds a whole new level to this.  Because while everyone says things that they wish they could take back, we are far more unfiltered and reach astounding heights in our ability to be uncensored, unaware of consequences, and incapable of impulse control.

There are things I have said and done, mostly inadvertently, that I just can’t help wonder if things could be different if they hadn’t been said or done.  The relationships I have destroyed that I held so dear, that I didn’t realize until it was far too late what was happening.  I was that far gone, that unaware of the situation, and that trusting that the other person would understand I was at my worst and didn’t have the skill set to really control my impulses, my thoughts and my situational awareness.  And clearly, that was misplaced trust.

And please don’t get me wrong in that.  The fault is my own.  Everyone realistically has their limits on what they can turn a blind eye to, and me at my worst can push past the limits of even the most patient of people.

I just…

While everyone reflects back on the time they put a foot in their mouth, and mostly with needless worry…

My regrets run deep.

And some wounds, I truly fear, will never heal.


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One Response to “Level 10”


  • Comment from Donetta

    I happened across your blog from another blog, and as soon as I remember the name, I’d love to tell you. The title was catchy. I can so relate with you on this topic. I’m not sure if everyone just throws their disorders out there like it’s their jean and shoe sizes, but I will go ahead and say that I have Bipolar disorder, and of course, it seems the disorders get lonely, so, OCD tags along, and Anxiety along with Panic Attacks play hide and seek, they love to pop out in stores. I had one doctor who suggested I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, slightly was his word. Truth is, I am on meds and I haven’t checked around because that’s another ‘disorder’. I don’t try to lay all the blame on my disorders as to how I blurt out stuff that could be truthful but hurtful. I have let arguments with my sister, who does not have any disorders, go too far. The more my feelings were hurt or the madder I was, to the point I knew to walk away and still couldn’t move my feet. It cost me 2 years of her not talking to me one time. I do better on medication. But every now and then when my thoughts are running wildly around, I’ll think of things like that, and it replays over and over. Each time it seems worse too. I have found myself apologizing to her over an argument that happened in 2010. Because words hurt. I feel like some things can be said, and you love the other person or they love you enough to keep the relationship in tact, but some words stick with you. Maybe they just stick with me. I am so glad I found your blog. I blog for Mental Health Awareness. Also, my 20th high school reunion will be here Saturday. Now when this was announced during February, then I of course was excited, had already joined, was getting in touch with the ones organizing the get together so I could volunteer. Thankfully, I volunteered to make the event as public as possible. Because, now I’m scared and reconsidering not going. I keep remembering when in 9th grade me and a guy had an argument. Oh, and I’ll have to see so and so who I talked to like dirt, and I know they won’t be happy with my success, not that I’ve had a lot. And then I’ll feel like people are staring and I’ll have an Anxiety attack. I’ll remember the first one I ever had in 10th grade, right in the middle of my report that the teacher just had to make us read in front of the class, and suddenly here it came. Shew……………………. sorry. I need to take all this over to my blog. I apologize. Now, I’ll agonize that you won’t visit my site. Hence, your whole point. :)


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