I think everyone has those moments in their life that are on constant repeat even decades later where they are like, “Omg did I really say/do that?” In most cases, I think we blow them out of proportion and we feel this undying mortification or regret for things that we are, in fact, the only ones to remember. We are, after all, our own biggest critics.
I do also think, however, that someone with BPD who is at their most unstable adds a whole new level to this. Because while everyone says things that they wish they could take back, we are far more unfiltered and reach astounding heights in our ability to be uncensored, unaware of consequences, and incapable of impulse control.
There are things I have said and done, mostly inadvertently, that I just can’t help wonder if things could be different if they hadn’t been said or done. The relationships I have destroyed that I held so dear, that I didn’t realize until it was far too late what was happening. I was that far gone, that unaware of the situation, and that trusting that the other person would understand I was at my worst and didn’t have the skill set to really control my impulses, my thoughts and my situational awareness. And clearly, that was misplaced trust.
And please don’t get me wrong in that. The fault is my own. Everyone realistically has their limits on what they can turn a blind eye to, and me at my worst can push past the limits of even the most patient of people.
While everyone reflects back on the time they put a foot in their mouth, and mostly with needless worry…
My regrets run deep.
And some wounds, I truly fear, will never heal.