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Just Left Of The Right Thing To Do

Depression BPD Borderline Personality Disorder BipolarTo say I’m struggling right now would be a clear understatement.  I’m holding my head above water and all, but just barely.  Some days are worse than others.  Some days I want to quit life and just hide until I feel better.  Clearly not a good plan though, so I push forward.

When I get like this it’s hard to see clearly the motivation fueling my actions, and the consequences aren’t always clear.  I have to question and second guess almost every decision I make, wondering if I’m self sabotaging.  I’m good at that after all.  Last week saw me doing something I would have seriously regretted beyond measure if I hadn’t been offered forgiveness I still question if I deserve.

This week school started back up after a week off between trimesters.

I’m working 45-50 hour weeks right now on top of trying to settle my life and I can’t help but feel that adding a school work load, however easy the class may be, to the plate just isn’t the best idea.  I do my best work under pressure, I’ve said this so many times, but it is true.  But the thing is, no matter how solid the material, everything cracks under pressure eventually if you only apply too much.  I don’t want to crack.  That is not healthy.

Logically, I’d been planning to take the occasional trimester off anyway.  No, not the second trimester available to me, but there was never a set, “I’ll go this trimester, and take this one off” schedule.  I always just assumed I’d know when it was wise to take one off and left it at that.

If I take this one off, that gives me until January to, if not completely at least get much closer, get my shit together.  I need to finalize a divorce, find a place to live, move in, and keep up my delicate hold on stable.  This also gives me until January before I have to tell a kid I don’t see like I use to, that momma can’t play now, she’s writing a paper.

Mental health wise, burying myself in my school is a great distraction.  It is also, however, a distraction that piles on stress and stress is something I need to self sooth from.  Proper self soothing, like reading, movies, exercise, friends, or even just long walks, takes time.  No matter how easy the class, the work load takes any and all free time.  I have so much I need to self sooth from as it is, taking away my time to do so might well be costly.  So not taking classes lets my refocus my mind on my needed DBT skills and get myself mentally healthy, with proper time in my week to do so.

Yesterday, when I first logically started looking at this option, was a really bad mental health day and I was so terrified I was running from life and obligation in doing this.  Today, with a clearer head, for now at least, I think I can see that I’m not running from obligation, I’m simply prioritizing it and I’m not running from life, I’m simply finding it and settling it down.

I haven’t hit the drop button yet but I need to tonight if I’m doing this.  My first bit of work is due tomorrow, and at this point of the game, 3 days into the trimester, dropping won’t affect anything GPA or aid wise.  Waiting too long will.

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