Finding Logic In Words

Since before I even graduated high school, over 10 years ago, I’ve been a student at the local community college.  At no point, aside from one measly semester in 11 years, has this gone well for me.  First I was young and dumb and made a bad decision.  Then I had the consequences of that decision.  Then I had a fresh start and did beyond well.  Then as I attempted a repeat of doing well, I got promoted and moved in the same week and lost internet connection at the same time, while taking online classes.  Oy.  I thought I dropped the classes, properly, in time but apparently not.  Drama drama drama.  And CSCC has no interest in really working with me.  Looking at the 11 year history of the good and the bad and trying to solve the problem so that I can be the student I am capable of and want to be.  Dudes, I am really really trying here.

Finally it got to the point where I just accepted I was going to have to pay out-of-pocket until my GPA was “acceptable” so I could get my aid back.  What’s being counted on my GPA?  Two classes I dropped properly a week too late and 2 damn near perfect scores.  I can see why I’m an at-risk student that should be denied the aid the federal government already approved and handed to them.

God, I don’t want to drudge that back up.  I’m over it.  It’s behind me.  But the want to be educated isn’t.  My life is settling.  My kids are only getting older and wiser.  I will have no more in the oven.  I have this opportunity for once in a long time, to be really selfish in a way that will better me so that I can better my family and our situation in life.

But, to continue at CSCC I do still have to pay out-of-pocket awhile.  And while I have made arrangements for a benefactor, that person can’t do anything for another couple of years.  All this to go to a school I don’t even really wish to attend anymore.  Sure it’s cheap and easy, but what is the real cost?  Is it really as easy as it could and maybe should be?

I’ve spent the past year going over my options.  First aggressively and without any feelings of hope about a year ago.  Then I put it aside and focused on my career all while trying to decide not on the school, but on the intended degree I could get from it.

Now I find myself hearing news of the school I have always known about.  I know people who are starting there.  Just finishing there.  Making something of themselves there.  And I find myself jealous.  Why not me?  Why is it never me?  Then I learned the one thing holding me back wasn’t an issue: They actually offer their classes online!

Boom.  That was all I needed.  I’ve started the process of enrollment.  I’m ready to fill out the forms for my aid.  They won’t be given the info from my CSCC days which means a 100% fresh start.  Sure I’ll have to retake 2 classes, but in the grand scheme, if this goes as I’m starting to plan, who cares?  It’s 2 easy classes that I’ll get to start with and hopefully pull the same damn near perfect scores.  Talk about starting school with an ego boost.

I don’t expect to be able to start before summer.  I don’t know how many classes I’ll take at a time.  I know tuition is 3 times the cost so I’ll need aid to cover every penny.  This means I’ll have to be sure to take enough credit hours.  This may mean, and I hope not, that I’ll be working full-time and going to school full-time.  But even then?  So what.  I’ll be busting ass balancing work, school and family, but in 4 years I’ll come out the other end a mother-fuckin-college graduate!  I’ll be damned if anything is going to hold me back.  Not even my own nerves.  I’ve wanted this for far too long and that drive that has built for 11 years will get me past the next 4.

Dammit, I am Karen hear me roar!

This isn’t full on insane, right?


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