This is hard for me to write. Not because it’s a topic I’m afraid of. No, we’re way past that. It isn’t that I can’t find the words, because the words are there. I’m just not sure I can make others understand.
It isn’t as simple for me as for some others. My BPD doesn’t allow for blind faith. I can be spiritual because I can agree there is probably something out there. I can have faith in earth because I walk her lands, taste her foods, and hear her call. But most of the rest involves closing your eyes and taking a leap of faith into something you can’t see or feel. You just have to trust.
And yet, for a while now, I’ve been searching. Basing that search on either logic or something that is easy for me to put my faith in. Things like Buddhism feel like they might be something I can stand behind. I suppose it’s the feeling others get when they first hear about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I suppose Buddhism just makes sense to me, as much as anything faith-based can.
Even then, I’m far from being able to call Buddhism my religion. I don’t hardly begin to understand it. I’ve never so much as been to a temple. But I’ve read enough to know I want to read more, explore more, and attempt to find a part of me that’s missing.
I guess I shouldn’t say missing. But I have searched none-the-less. Maybe I’m just aware that those with a strong faith have something I don’t. A feeling that someone with immense love in their heart and an all guiding hand is looking down on them, and out for them, with a master plan. I hear that faith can help one through the day.
Lately I’ve heard a call and I’m not sure where exactly it’s coming from. (Though I’m sure some in my life have a few, or one, suggestion.) Either way I’ve decided to attempt to track it down. Seek out its source. After all, I don’t really have anything better to do on Sunday mornings besides sleep.
I’m not saying I’m looking for a church to join. I’m not saying I’m looking to join the Christian faith. At the same time, I do fully acknowledge that the higher power I assume is there, could be the same higher power they find their comfort in. So maybe even if I don’t become a member, one of these Sundays the call I’m hearing will lead me to a church pew where I’ll find the message I’m looking for.
While one should not assume that message will convert me from being more than just spiritual, I’m not one to ignore a message no matter the source.
After all, one does not have to have faith that Jesus is the son of the Almighty God, to recognize that man kind could learn a thing or two from the professed Messiah. Christian or otherwise.
So during a scattering of Sundays over the coming months, you might well find me visiting one church, than another, trying to figure where the source of the call can be found. Where the message trying to get my attention is coming from.
What denomination? A collection. Don’t burn me at the stake, but technically they are all the same to me, just different rituals and theology, which yes is the source of the differentiation. But without a strong understanding of the theology and rituals that make them different, that makes them all the same. To me. So with that in mind the source of the calling, the source of the message, and I can only assume the source of the coming lesson, could be anywhere. But some interesting coincidences are telling me it’s Christian/Catholic based.
And hey, even if I can’t track down the voice and the message, maybe I’ll come away with a deeper understanding of those differences.
After all, I’m a firm believer that to say steadfast that you don’t believe something, you should probably understand what exactly it is you don’t believe, Otherwise, you might surprise yourself.