Death

I woke up Wednesday morning, the morning of my Notary Public exam with the Columbus Bar Association no less, feeling funny in my tummy.  I brushed it aside and had a bowl of cereal.  Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Breakfast didn’t help.

We all gathered in the car at 8:45 (OK 8:50.  It’s hard to be obsessively early with 3 kids.) so that I could be downtown by 9:45AM.  On the way there, the motion of the road had me regretting breakfast.  I hoped it was nerves or something that would settle.

I made it through my test.  Spending more effort concentrating on not exploding than anything else, I might add.  Got back in the car that was thankfully waiting.

The ride home, oh the ride home.  That’s around the time I realized that no, I would not be making it into work at 12:30PM as scheduled and planned.

I almost didn’t make it home.  When I did, at 11AM, I made the call to work with my bum planted on potty, and a throw-up bowl in my lap.  I needed both.  At times I needed both at the same time.

Thankfully, with a strong work ethic backing me up, work was understanding.  Which is good because I spent most the rest of the day curled up into the fetal position concentrating on limiting where the explosions came from.  And not dying so that I could live to warn my kids away from 79 cent chicken pot pies.

Have you seen video of what happens if you give a seagull and alka-seltzer tab?  I understand their pain.

This morning I woke up a touch weak from lack of food and an overabundance of bodily ick, but otherwise feeling a hell of a lot better.

I had my first successful fart.

I’ve had my first solid poop.

And I’m cursing the 79 cent chicken pot pie I had for lunch Tuesday.  Though, in all honesty, it was named brand and probably a fluke.  A fluke I won’t risk repeating anytime soon.

Not worth it.

But over all, while Wednesday sucked, I’m very thankful that food poisoning leaves the system as quickly as it knocks it flat.  With a two-by-four.  With spikes added for shits and vomits.  (I was going to say shits and giggles but clearly I couldn’t pass up that opportunity.)

 

Oh and by-and-by, despite being on death door-step, not only did I pass my Notary Public exam, but I got a freakin’ 100%!  I get my commission in roughly 6 weeks from the Secretary of the State.  Then I have to file it with the clerk of courts.  But then I get my very own seal with my name on it and everything!


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