I also live with chronic fear of being accused of being a drug user and abuser looking for a pain meds fix.  I’m not.  But I’m also not known for my rational thinking.  I have been known to read too many blogs.  And I’m well aware those with BPD are prone to addictive personalities.  And we’re known for them.  One of our defining characteristics.

Which is ironically why, I don’t even want pain meds.  The ones I’ve had don’t do a damn bit of good and while there is bigger and badder stuff out there, no thank you.  Why risk getting addicted when I have no faith in them working?

So I find a doctor, and talk about my headaches.  They are the more crippling of my pain issues.  I’m handed a script for Ibuprofen 800 (Anyone want some?  I have a few billion.) and I leave in mental anguish.  Anguish in myself that I wasted time in another doctor office.

Then, a year and a half ago, my right shoulder locked up, and I realized that maybe the headaches weren’t so bad, it’s time to get these joints looked at.  Yes, well that was a disaster.  THAT doctor got walked out on mid session.  I wasn’t wasting any more of my time with him.

Then I found my current doctor.  He finished up the referrals for my physical therapy.  Which was helpful.  Then he dropped the ball on the whole sciatic nerve drama.  Though in fairness, that morphed from physical to physical driven mental.  So whatever.

Now I sit here with no current doctor.  Few prospects for a good one.  Most the doctors who take my insurance… well, they take it for a reason.  I’ll leave it at that.

And I’m left in chronic pain terrified to speak up to someone who can do something about it.  Someone who won’t just write a pain meds script, but will instead diagnose me.  Granted, I assume it’s arthritis.  But I’d like to know what kind.  And I’d like to treat, or prevent, THAT, not just random undefined pain.

But first I need a doctor I can trust.  This dates back to elementary school.  Back then it was just my knees.  20 years later, it has considerably spread.  And it can be any given joint on any given day, but a few are the norm: spine (neck to tailbone), hips and shoulders.  Did you know the spine is considered a joint that can get arthritic pain?  It’s a joy.

When Thomas was only a couple years old, about a half dozen doctors ago, I went in for a basic introductory physical and asked to have arthritis looked at.  Without any consideration of anything, except 1 routine blood test, I was told I didn’t have arthritis.  Alright then.

I haven’t’ uttered that word in a doctor’s office since.

But oh what I would give for a doctor I can trust, who trusted me in kind, and who will really listen to me.  I have that in abundance in the mental health field, but sadly they can’t do anything for my physical pain.

So I live with chronic pain, and an overwhelming chronic fear of being accused of looking for a drug fix.  No one listening that I don’t want a drug fix, I want a remedy.  A prevention.  Trust.