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I Picked A Hell Of A Time

For months I was only on the one med so that if/when postpartum hit I’d be ready.  For months I took my Cymbalta because I might get sad around the end of February.

February came and went, but the sads never showed their face.

Oh I had my moments but they were all life moments.  Easily enough explained and dealt with.  Not reasons to pop a pill.

So 2 weeks ago when it came time to refill my script for the pills that beat the sads that never showed, I asked if we could skip that part of the appointment.  We had talked along of me going off meds once I was in the clear.  Why wait?  I was/am doing tremendous.  So, I went off meds.

This week I have:
Started my menstrual cycle, which always makes for wholesome hormonal goodness.
Went off caffeine cold turkey.
Gone to put on a skirt that fit me at 9-months pregnant but apparently doesn’t fit me now.  This week anyways.

Oh hey, we may have found a house if everything goes as planned.  Though, of course, moving is fun.  Plus, 30 year mortgage is a bit of a weight.  Good, but still heavy.
Had to inform my Grandmother that her son will be homeless in 2 months.
Had my father assault my husband.
Been made to feel numerous times, by people I can trust, that I’m not good enough and/or I can’t do anything right.
Made the first car payment.
Realized exactly how fun the next year of car payments will be.
Destroyed my left ankle.  6 days and it’s still fucked.
Left Band Back Together.  Not because it’s what I’ve wanted to do but because it’s what I had to do.  Drama free aside from broken heart(s).
Found out that a good friend who is deeply cared about by the whole family has Crohn’s disease.  Which isn’t fatal, usually.  As long as you stick to a diet.
Had to search every random corner of my life for pads because my period started 4 days sooner than it should have which means I didn’t make it to the paycheck.
Realized that despite me being sterile now, I have 30ish more years of buying tampons and pads so that I can go through a process that is pointless.

So this week… This week it looks like, based on my mood, that maybe I shouldn’t have gone off my meds.  However I’m not sure how any of the above can be fixed by me taking a pill.  (Some of it could be fixed by someone else who shall remain nameless but apparently has had a known diagnosis of exactly what I figured for years now but doesn’t choose to see it as a problem…)  Fine.  Maybe it could help me cope?  But when you aren’t searching and aiming for my buttons/last nerve, I’m coping pretty well.  Even if that means crashing into bed at 7PM.  But then, sometimes that sleep can be very healing.  When following a day as a functioning working adult.

3 Comments

  1. Comment by Teala:

    Oh, KMarrs, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've had a helluva. I'm sending you much love and happy thoughts. So sad to see you leave The Band. Please take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything. You know where to find me. <3 xoxo

  2. Comment by April M.:

    I'd have lost my shit (pardon me) if I had all of that going on in the course of a week my dear… the fact that you didn't head s'plodie is a miracle in itself. Look at it this way… if you CAN get through this without a pill you can get through ANYTHING without a pill. *huggles*

  3. Comment by Patrick:

    I agree w/ April…

    me on the other hand… I need more Caffeine and Pills! now who is the strong one LOL

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