Archive for September, 2011

Ditherful

Posted September 28, 2011 By kmarrs

These were all a series of tweets last night.  Only I can’t seem to find a tool that lets me turn tweets into images, so I had to share this way.  I use to have a tool, but that site no longer exists.

Ditherful: an adj used to describe someone who has gone all adither. If you don’t know what “adither” means, I can’t help you.

Is it “a dither” or “adither”? That is a word/phrase, right? I know I’m not the first to say it but has it achieved official status?

Ok, “dither” as I’m using it is actually in the dictionary. “Adither” is not. So I’m guessing it’s “a dither”.

“Ditherful” also is not in the dictionary, so I get credit for inventing that word.

To use it in a sentence: My daughter is ditherful during her bath. See also: during a diaper change and when winding up for a 3AM bottle.

Being wide awake at 5:30AM has me in a state of dither, so I am therefore ditherful. Really, the word has so many uses in my life.

If I don’t stop now, when my husband reads his twitter stream, he will be ditherful wondering if I’ll be human in the morning. Poor family.

Gotta go, my daughter is rather ditherful at the moment.

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Huh, Well Then

Posted September 28, 2011 By kmarrs

I was suppose to post something today.  If I ever remember what it was, I’ll post it tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’ve been filling up on Dr Who and Torchwood.  Many have at least heard of Dr Who, but for those who don’t know, Torchwood is a spin off starring one of my favorite Dr Who characters, Captain Jack Harkness.  And, if you watch the 2 series in the right sequence, they weave in and out.

Doctor Who 1
Doctor Who 2
Torchwood 1
Doctor Who 3
Torchwood 2
Then the rest of both in any order

Though I should warn that while the Doctor is family friendly, Torchwood is VERY MUCH NOT.  Also, don’t watch if you have issues with homosexuality.  Specifically man on man.  Because well, my twitter stream sums it up:

Seems that while I have no moral, ethical or personal issue with two men kissing, I can’t seem to watch it. Makes Torchwood difficult.  People love who they love and they’ll kiss who they kiss. It’s just awkward until I’m use to it. It’s awkward, not wrong.  And it’s only awkward because it’s not something I see every day.

And according to my husband, it only gets more R rated from there.  Thankfully, I’m starting to get use to at least the kissing.

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Sleep Study

Posted September 26, 2011 By kmarrs

I have my sleep study scheduled for Thursday night.  Should be fun.  Trying to sleep with all these doodads strapped to my body, and all.  BUT if I can actually get to sleep, I’ll be able to sleep through without a little one waking me every few hours.  So, I guess there is that.  Not that I mind getting up with Sammy, but one night off would be nice.

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There are like 5 blog posts I need to write.  Like a week ago.  So I’ve decided at this point, I’m just going to combine them all into one post.  Seems to make more sense than spamming the net with 5 posts in one day, yes?

Current Mental Health State

My mental state is really good right now.  I’m actually very stable.  In a way I haven’t been in a long time, even with meds.  What’s more, I’m interacting with my husband and kids in a way that is rare for me.  I’m actually affectionate with my husband.  Like casual cuddling, hand holding, random kisses, saying sweet things, affectionate.  And I’m paying more and better attention to my boys.  Luke has dragged me up to his room a few times to just sit and watch him play.  Sometimes, depending on what he’s playing, I join in.  Other times, I just sit and watch and talk or applaud, or whatever is called for.

Meds Appointment

I had my first postpartum meds appointment about a week ago.The original plan was to get on Cymbalta asap after birth and the rest would quickly follow.  However, with me being this stable, she doesn’t want to put me on anything else yet.  We are both concerned for the postpartum depression that happens 6 months out, but we’ve decided we’ll prepare for that, closer to that.  In the meantime, I’m just riding the wave.  And so far, I’m doing really good.  Oh, and if I show signs of needing it sooner than the 6month point, I’ll go on it sooner.  But for now, the wave is good.

Also of IMPORTANT note, is that both my therapist and my meds doc got to meet Sammy.  This was very important to me.  Since my meds doc, and therapist to, pretty much kept her safe when she was inside me and I needed to stop working.

Headache Appointment

I had an appointment for my headache last Thursday.  I gave him a brief history.  He affirmed what I knew that they were tension headaches.  I brought up the sleep apnea.  He said it was hard to tell fatigue with me having a new baby and all.  I gave him a history of THAT as well.  He does agree with me that we can’t tell for sure either way without a sleep study, but it is definitely a possibility.  He is kind of actually hoping that is what it is, because it’s easier to treat.  So he’s getting me scheduled for that.  His first choice will get me in faster, but they may not take my insurance.  The other will for sure take it, but I’ll have a wait.  In the meantime I have Fioricet, to try to treat the headaches as they happen.  I haven’t taken it yet, so I don’t know if it works.  It’s a combo of Tylenol, caffeine and Butalbital.   I’ve never really heard of Butalbital and I don’t know anything about it.  So we’ll see, I guess.

Job Hunt

So hey, I’m job hunting!  Raise your hand if you’re surprised?

So basically, while I do indeed have a job to return to, (November 1st) I really don’t want to.  Nothing wrong with the job or company, that isn’t fixed by me no longer being pregnant.  I’m just bored with the job.  It isn’t mentally stimulating.  And it was never EVER meant to be a long term, for ever and ever thing.  When I took it, it was a good way to supplement my income while I continued at the camera store.  When I left the camera store, it was a good way of paying the bills until I found something better.  But let’s be honest, while I’m not full enough of myself to say “I’m too smart” for a job like this, I will say I’m too smart to not be bored by lack of mental stimulation.  Ok, that’s almost the same thing but not quite.  I’m not too good for it, I’m just too bored for it.

I’m mostly applying at banks and credit unions.  There have been a few other miscellaneous things here and there I’ve applied for that I’d be happy with, but banks are the focus.  They were the focus 9 months ago when I initially tried to job hunt.

I’m also having some success.  The hard part is that I started early expecting bad luck and it taking awhile, but I’m having good luck, and it’s still a little over a month before I’m ready to start anywhere.  Both within the realms of the regular 6 weeks, though I was hoping to take a bit longer to continue enjoying my family, but I also have a lot of really important appointments scattered through the next month.  And while I normally schedule those for my known days off, I haven’t had to do that for a few months now.  Also, some of them I was just given a day and time, with little choice.  The government can do that.  The other thing is, the training for most these jobs are a Monday-Friday thing, no ifs, ands or buts.  And while after that, fine I can have Wednesdays off, before that, not so much.

So for now, I guess, I’m putting a halt to the hunt for new applications to fill out, and just sitting back and following through with the ones I already have.  We’ll see what happens, I guess.

Sammy

I don’t even know what to say here.  She is still the most perfect, beautiful, and magnificent thing to ever grace this Earth.  She is no longer sleeping 21 hours a day.  She has a 2 hour fussy period almost every day. (Not at the same time.)  She hates baths.  She loves cuddles.  She has a never ending appetite.  She is fun to dress up.  She attracts crowds.  Like flocks of seagulls to a french fry, really.  It’s scary.  lol

She is simply and complexly amazing.

Nesting

I have been cleaning and organizing like crazy.  I mean, I know I said that in the month before Sammy was born, but I’ve gone crazy.  Er, crazier?  It’s like my mind told my body a month ago, “Right then, you’re useless, we’ll catch up again later for this cleaning fit.” and that later is now.  Which fine, the house looks awesome.  But holy cow!  I, of course, ever defensive have been arguing it’s not nesting, it’s spring cleaning.  Aggressively.  In the fall. I honestly think I’m mildly, and not dangerously, manic.  One of the things I do when manic is clean.  It’s also possible that a domestic instinct that knows I’m back to work before too long and won’t have time around the house, is kicking in and I’m just getting shit done while I can.  It’s not like I’m vacuuming the ceiling.  Everything I’ve done I’ve either wanted to do for awhile, or is at least of significant use.  So I’m going with it!

Pat’s Fatigue

I’m worried about crossing a line here, so I’ll tread lightly. Pat is on a new med.  Up until before Sammy was born, really, Pat was an insomniac.  A functional one, at that.  He’d sleep, on average, maybe 4 hours a night, never needed anymore, never napped, and you’d think he’d slept the full 8.  But something changed and now suddenly, he’s chronically fatigued.  He could sleep 12 hours and still need a nap a handful of hours after waking up.  He’s turned into me, is what I’m saying.

There are a few theories about this.  Mine is depression, but Pat says with the birth of his daughter he’s happier than he’s ever been.  Ever.  He is having a slight issue with his blood pressure.  He’s always been very low, but his most recent, about 2 weeks ago, trip to the doctor, had it reading remarkably high.  Now, since then it has come down a lot.  There are quite a few factors that can attribute to that.  But in the meantime, fatigue is a symptom of high blood pressure.  But if that’s the cause, shouldn’t it be getting better now that it’s within the realms of normal again?  One of the lowering of blood pressure factors, is that he’s on a very low dose of an anti-anxiety med.  It causes fatigue.  But he had the fatigue before he had the med.  So is it a combo of both?  We can’t really figure it out.  He had a complete and total 180 in his sleeping patterns over night and the only known changes aren’t seeming to explain it.  So then, what is it?

On the one hand, the fatigue is kind of annoying because it gives me limited help with the baby.  If I need help in the night, he can’t hear me call for him or text him.  And during the afternoon, when he’s comatose, I’m on my own no matter what I’m doing.

BUT I of all people understand the whole fatigue thing.  I of all people understand not having a choice but to nap.  You don’t want to, but you can’t avoid it.  I understand sleeping so soundly that you could sleep through the apocalypse.  I understand FULLY what he’s going through.  I’ve been through it most my adult life.  And it’s not like he’s enjoying it.  It’s happening against his wishes.  So I’m no way upset with him.

I just wish we could find a balance between the fatigue and insomnia.  I also, really would like to know why suddenly my husband can’t stay awake.  It’s alarming, at best.

I think that’s about everything.

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Sleep Apnea

Posted September 20, 2011 By kmarrs

One of the suggestions I received regarding my headaches was that maybe I had sleep apnea.  I kind of knew what it was, but not in depth and I didn’t know the symptoms and such.  So I Google it.  (How did people exist before Google?  I mean seriously!  I know I use to.  For years.  But I don’t remember how I got by back then.)

You have all heard me make reference to the first time it was suggested I had BPD.  My therapist at the time read the 9 criteria to me and it was like “Holy shit, my whole life suddenly makes sense now!”

Yeah, reading about sleep apnea was pretty much like that, only not quite as intense.

So the question is this: Clearly I’m going to the doctor, and I might even mention sleep apnea.  But how do I bring it up without pushing it because “OMG I KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME AND CAN’T POSSIBLY BE WRONG DESPITE THE FACT I HAVE NO REAL KNOWLEDGE AND YOU WENT TO SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT FOR A DECADE.”  Also, mentioning I Googled it is also out.  Hard to take a patient who looked their symptoms up online seriously.  Now, there is some credibility to it since the person who first mentioned it, long before I touched Google, did use to be a nurse.  So that’s something.

And it really might not be sleep apnea.  I’m not trying to self diagnose.  I’m just aware that the symptoms fit and I want it on the list of possible things that are considered.

So how do I make sure it’s on that list?

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The Pain

Posted September 19, 2011 By kmarrs

Before I was pregnant I had nasty headaches but Ibuprofen 800mg mostly kept them in check.  Caffeine helped as needed.  Through the first half of my pregnancy, no headaches at all.  Second half, they were back but caffeine was the miracle drug.  Just enough to banish the headache, not enough to be a ridiculous amount when  pregnant.  But since I wasn’t allowed anything for pain other than Tylenol, I was damn lucky the caffeine helped. Post pregnancy, the headaches are unlike I’ve ever had before EVERY SINGLE DAY and no amount of Tylenol, Ibuprofen or caffeine can touch them.

Sometimes, as in a few times a week, the pain is so bad I can barely lift my head.  I have to, of course.  Life moves on despite my headaches.  I have 3 kids who need me to function.  Even if I can’t function at my best, I have to function well enough.  Usually though, it leads to me giving up around lunch time, and taking a nap with Sammy.  Usually with the passage of time, the headache does eventually fade.  Just to reappear 12 hours later.

These aren’t migraines.  It’s about as close to a migraine as you can get pain wise without being a migraine, but it is indeed just a tension/stress headache.  The pain it located right where my skull and neck meet.  That very first vertebra, or whatever that would be at that exact spot.  It feels, I’ve “joked”, like someone has stuck a straw in right there and is trying to suck my brain out through said straw.  (Too much Dr Who has made that metaphor really fun to envision, btw.)  Sometimes the pain is so intense, it’s like a band of it wraps around my face and stops at my eye sockets.  At which point, straw in the back, daggers through the eyes in the front.

I do have a doctor appointment coming up for this.  It’s in a week.  I made the decision to schedule it for when I was in that area anyway.  Trying to conserve gas and all since money is running out and I still have a ways to go before I’m back at work.  And honestly, I have little faith there is anything he can even really do for me, so I don’t see the point in wasting the gas.  That isn’t a slam against my doctor, btw.  He is great.  I’ve just never had anyone give me anything other than the Ibuprofen, and so, I have little faith in my headaches going anywhere.

Anyway, time to lay back down.

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