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Interesting Hits and Conclusions 4 Years Later: A BPD Roller Coaster

Yesterday, Tuesday, I got 59 hits to one of the first few posts here. To put that into context: that same post has gotten a total of 82 hits in the past 30 days. So the sudden jump, is weird. Then I realized it got submitted to stumble upon. A week ago. So why now the sudden traffic? I mean, in that week it got no traffic. I have the exact hit count day by day. Submit. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Bam. Weird.

It is an important entry. A deeply personal and life defining entry. If you haven’t read it, you might choose to. If you have already and are, uh, sensitive to some key events, and names, you might choose to ignore it this time around. It was hard for me to read. Though I will say here and now, most of the truths in that post regarding people and events are no longer truths. So that helps. Still painful though.

One key thing I wrote, 4 years ago (that entry isn’t the text’s first appearance) has my attention. It reads as follows:

Even after all this, the fact I can so rationally sit down and see all this in myself leaves me feeling doubt. Maybe I’m faking it. Maybe it isn’t real. Maybe it’s like everything else where I know what to say to get others to agree with what type of crazy I am. Maybe I really am mentally ok and just feel the need for spotlight. If I had BPD, would I so rationally be able to recognize every aspect and trait of it I have?

At the time, I was questioning everything. Years of being misdiagnosed. Years of me being convinced I had such and such, walking into a first appointment, and being diagnosed as EXACTLY that. Every time my mind changed, my diagnosis changed. Makes you second guess things. Now, when it came to my diagnosis of BPD, I had never heard of it (except maybe in passing) before my therapist at the time said, “You know what…” so I didn’t self diagnose. But the ease into which I jumped into it and related to it, just like every other diagnosis before it, had me on edge.

4 years later… There is no doubt left. For anyone. It all fits. Has consistently for, well, a decade. The treatments work. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Always has been. It seemed too easy, despite it having been a hard fought battle, to come up with a diagnosis that I could fully relate to, because it was 100% accurate.

I doubted because I was scared. Not of what the diagnosis was, but because it seemed to fit too well. Now I feel grateful because however scary that exact diagnosis may be, I know exactly what I’m up against.

Interestingly enough, the rational I put into that entry, that I referenced in that quote, later turned into research and a knowledge base that could have me teaching classes on it.

Today, I had my kid’s pediatrician actually say the words, “I have nothing to teach you!” because I was already doing everything he was going to teach. It had NOTHING to do with BPD. It had something to do with a medical condition that I had diagnosed, pin pointed the cause, and had effectively started treatment on, but needed a little bit of guidance on the subject of dosage and frequency and, “Can I please have a script for him.”

Anyway, that is related because in my mind, that makes officially two medical subjects that those words can apply to. And that’s a level of knowledge and rational on a confusing subject (back on BPD here) that is kind of unsettling.

But, maybe it’s a good thing. Because it led to this blog. And maybe I don’t pull in thousands of readers and hits a month. Fine. But those I do pull in, who come back, I like to think I help. Blogs have three real purposes: to amuse you, to teach you, to help you. I like to think I both teach and help. And that is pretty kick-ass. Amusing is nice. Making thousands of people laugh with the written word is awesome. But changing lives, I think, is maybe better. And I have reason to believe while the numbers of lives changed are low, they are still there. And they are enough for me to stand up, say “FUCK YEAH!” and keep plugging along damn proud of myself.

Because really, tracking down a BPD specialist in a country like Israel, isn’t easy and is something to be proud of. (There’s 2 lives changed.)

Maybe it’s just my ego. But I’d like to think that the rational I feared 4 years ago, ended up being for the greater good. And I dare you to burst that ego bubble.

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