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Moody Beware

BPD AND Pregnancy Borderline Personality DisorderI’ve been meaning to write this post for a few days now, but it obviously, just hasn’t happened. Partly because part of what I have to say is hard to say.

My moods are bipolar.

I’m capable, currently, of being the most loving person you’ll ever meet. I’m sweet and cuddly and I make it known.

The rest of the time I’m a raging bitch. Ok, I’m not violent. I’m just loud and argumentative.

I know my moods will balance out as my hormones sort themselves out. I’m a better person when pregnant than I am not pregnant, off meds.

Honestly, while meds keep me stable, they keep me stable a notch or two above depressed. So I don’t really have the moments of pure elation or joy in me.

And that’s fine. It’s better than being all over the board. So I’ve learned to love the stable.

When off meds, I’m capable of dipping really low, but I’m also capable of the elation.

And right now, that’s what I’m experiencing. I’m not stable so I’m all over the board.

At the same time, even though I have my moments of semi-rage, I’m not depressed. I’m not suicidal. I’m getting by.

And my family, as sad as this is, is use to me being a raging bitch so they all have thick skins by now.

I’m getting a little better with each day. I’m working towards controlling the inner bitch. But it is a process. One I’m still learning.

At the same time, I’m not that raging bitch all the time. I’m only her 30% of the time.

Pat, actually, just informed me I’m bitch 30%, cuddly 20% and limbo the rest.

There you have it.

So I guess while I wouldn’t call things good, they could be a whole lot worse. And I’m not nearly as bad as I feared I could be. So, that’s something.

And in 30 weeks I get my meds back. Not that I’m counting. Though that in itself will be another lengthy process.

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